Relay for Life

In May of 2012, I received the news that I had Stage O Breast Cancer.  That same month I walked in our local Relay for Life in support of two angels, my best friend Rachael and my new best friend MaryLou.  I did the walk to support these two lovelies, but was in complete denial that I myself had cancer.  This is not something you just accept and say - hey, yeah, no problem.  It frightens the life out of you, literally.

Rachael's Dad, Joe passed away at the end of May last year succumbing to brain cancer which was discovered only two short years before after he was in an random accident.  They did a routine examination looking closely at his head and discovered an aggressive tumor.  They gave him only a few years to live, and live he did until his body could no longer survive what was happening in his body despite surgeries, chemo, etc.  It was the saddest thing to watch.  My heart breaks every day for Rachael.  She's heartbroken and will be until she's reunited with her "Padre".

MaryLou, a divorced mother of 3 has Stage 4 Breast Cancer diagnosed several years ago.  Ever since I met MaryLou she has been having one surgery or another, undergoing constant chemotherapy all the while smiling.  She says 'it's because of my kids, I have to be strong for them'.  And that she is. 

After the Relay For Life last year, I had my own battle to wage, and as you've read in past posts, surgery, radiation and the like was the order for the day and now, I'm home with pneumonia thinking long and hard about reality.  It's as if this whole year was a blur - by the way, not quite a year.  Just a mere eight months.

A few months ago, MaryLou contacted me.  She said she 'needed to get her God on' and reached out to me to help her spiritually.  I was more than willing and Rae and I met her for lunch.  She told us she was organizing the Relay for Life this year.  She said she was Chairing the event and she knew that I have planned many events, have done lots of PR work and have lots of connections with regard to sponsors and the like.  She felt like I was the perfect candidate to work with her.  Me?

I was more than happy to lift her up in the Spirit.  Offering her prayers and advice on how to get God back into her psyche more than anything.  She kept saying 'I know this', and 'how did I forget'?  But how can you not forget when the throws of life have you face down on the concrete and you're facing your mortality.  We all know millions of people die of cancer every day.  The reality can be overwhelming and it was especially for me, as I am only now realizing.

These two woman have become a beacon of hope for me encouraging ME to fight the good fight.

This past Friday was the Relay for Life which I did not help coordinate.  I did the best I could encouraging MaryLou, but participate?  Coordinate?  Get involved?  How could I?  I was still fighting.

That being said, when I realized the walk was Friday I couldn't miss it.  As sick as I am, I managed to get out of bed, put on a pink shirt in support that Rae helped me embellish and I registered at the event but this time as a Survivor.  I didn't know that Survivors wear purple not pink.  That revelation brought me to tears instantly.  The organizers who gave me my purple Survivor shirt asked me what type of cancer I had, when I was diagnosed, and I told them that and that I was there despite my pneumonia.  The tears were flowing but the compassion and empathy that these strangers yet kindred spirits gave me was deeply moving.  They hugged me.  They told me it was okay.

It was then I realized that I had a special place of honor among the Survivors.  They had chairs set up in the front row.  Purple shirt cancer survivors, of which I am now obviously one, took their seats and the ceremony began.  MaryLou took her place with the microphone and read her testimony.  She held it together as she described her journey, her mastectomies, her chemotherapy's - which she was still undergoing even only a few days earlier.  Her children and her friends, even the Mayor of Rutherford were all there in support.  After several more speeches, what came next caught me again off guard. 

Had I been sleepwalking all this time?

They announced the Survivors by name.  They called my name and I had to go and receive a purple cancer survivor medal.  MaryLou was called right after me - we basically got our medals together and what an honor to have her right by my side - she's so incredibly strong.  When I look at my struggle vs. hers, and I'm not comparing, she's the warrior.  I'm just a little squirrel trying to get a nut.  She's an amazing woman with the courage of an army of women.  She never faltered.  She was, however, so very happy to see me there and we hugged and shed a tear of hope between us.

Then we walked our Survivor lap.  Together.  Right in the front row holding the Relay for Life sign.  It was surreal.  I realized at that moment that I am a cancer survivor.  All the needles, poking, prodding, scans, tests, biopsies, lumpectomies, radiation - none of it was real until that moment.  I could barely get through my lap.  At the same time, the caretakers are also walking their lap in the opposite direction.  I could see my bestie Rae off in the distance.  She took her caretaker lap last year in honor of her Padre, and this year she took it for both of us.  She was an amazing caretaker to me.  She still is.

When we got closer and closer and the the two groups came together, MaryLou and I both lost our breath.  The support from family and friends that rallied round was gut wrenching.  I realized besides Rae, I was alone.  There was really no one there for me, except the entire Relay for Life community, and that was enough.

After the second lap, I was so completely winded, overwhelmed and frankly so sick I had to sit down.  I couldn't walk another step.  I am still fighting.  I am still sick.  So I sat and let Rae walk around a little more.  She wasn't done yet.  She needed to be there a little longer for her Padre, for MaryLou, for herself and I'm guessing for me.  Her reality is just settling in also.  It's all a lot to accept.  Acceptance is key, as I now know.  I couldn't feel my pulse and felt like I would faint at any moment, but I didn't.  I got through it.  WE got through it.

I called MaryLou the next morning to thank her and to apologize for not helping her with the organizing and of course, she said 'don't be ridiculous'.  She said that when she saw me there she was ecstatic because she knew how empowering it was.  I was embracing the reality of what I had experienced, not poking my head into the ground but looking around and knowing that yeah, I got cancer, I am fighting back and I am a part of something so much bigger than just myself.  This is not something that goes away.  You have this experience and it becomes a part of your life forever.  There is no 'getting over it'.  That's not the way cancer works.  Perhaps a splinter works that way, but not cancer.

I told MaryLou that I am getting involved next year.  MaryLou suggested that I Co-Chair the event with her.  Can you imagine?  What a place of honor.  What an opportunity to give to this community all that I have to offer and for such an amazing cause.  Not for some self glory but for the help of humanity.  MaryLou, of course she's planning on doing it again.  She'll live forever that one.  I told her I would absolutely do the very best I can to organize, promote and fight this deadly disease from the Survivor front line holding my head up high and owning who I am.  I am fearless today.  I've been educated, I've been through it - but know this - if you've not walked in my shoes do not judge me.  Do not have any preconceived notions about what this feels like.  You have no idea, and even after going through it, I still had no idea.

Today is a different day.  Today I will rise to the occasion giving all of my energy toward that which is profitable and that which will yield a harvest of righteousness.  If I can put a smile on just one person's face, if I can help diminish the fear from just one person's heart, if I can raise just one dollar or one more persons awareness that we can find a cure then that's my purpose in life.

If you would like information on the Relay For Life, please visit www.relayforlife.org.  Give, educate yourself, get involved.  It's not just about you, it's about all of us and if one of us is sick, we're all sick.  There is life after life (my new favorite saying) and I will hold your hand.  I promise I will be there.

Let My Life Be The Proof of Your Love

Music moves my whole life.  It soothes the savage beast within me.  Sometimes I'm a kitten and sometimes as a Leo, my inner lioness roars and truth be told, nips.  I prefer the kitten as I know most that know me do as well.  It is highly recommended, therefore, to be gentle.  (:

We all have a 'side' to us that we'd prefer the world didn't see.  I'm trying to be more transparent these days especially knowing how short life is and how hard it can be to overcome life's many challenges.  I am the salt of the earth.  In human form, I come from a working class family and have had to work for everything that I have.  In spiritual form, I am but a reflection of God's love still in the throws of growing into perfection.  We will be like Him when He is revealed.  Glory to God.

I am currently not the illness that happens to be passing through my body.  I am not the emotions that I struggle with.  I am not my past but I am responsible.  I am not my failed or successful relationships that I engage in.   I am not the job that I work so very hard at.  I am not my hopes and dreams, those realized and those I'm still working on.  I am not my ego, my body or my brain.  I am not the things people say about me.  I am none of these things.

I am not even the image that so perfectly captured the lost, hurt child in the photo below which was taken in my formative years.  As my perfect life was falling apart in March of 1978,  I was only 15 years old and I was completely lost.

I am also not the most recent image below taken in my current state of being. It's 2013 and I've still so much to learn, live, share and give.

I've come a long way baby, and what I still and always have aspired to be is a reflection of my idol, the Man Jesus, the Shepherd, who has set the bar so very high when it comes to the real meaning of life. 

Following the Shepherd does not make us weak.  Following the Shepherd makes us strong.  It helps us navigate His creation - this life He's given us.  God sees us as a helpless, sweet, soft, little, blemish free, innocent lambs which we all know we are not if we are without Him.  We are all together different without Him.  A lamb is a soft, gentle being that needs guidance and also needs protection from all the snares that accompany this gift.  God knew that this life would be frought with evils the mind could not comprehend let alone defend itself against.  There is trickery, and illusion.  There is real hate and a real war of separation.  Christ, the Shepherd, did not die on the cross forgiving his crucifiers because there was no war.  He died so our eyes would be opened to the reality that is this life.  The reward after living this life for Christ is nothing like the reward for living for the opposition.  What opposition?  There is an opposing, completely different force in this world and Christ knew that His people, His flock would be attacked at the very first opportunity.  Some would even be seduced and fooled.  The attacks come in all shapes and sizes, promises of great fortune and greatness of all kinds.  Even a false sense of comfort.  Of course these are disguised and it's the fool that grasps the golden ring and forsakes the Shepherd, but even fools have an opportunity to come home.  Even fools.

I aspire to be a reflection of God's love.  Period.  No matter what you do to me.

I hope you love the lyrics and the video I'm posting here today.  As I recover from so many things, it comforts me because I am well acquainted with the divine inspiration with which For King and Country created this masterpiece.  It is for all sheep, lambs, children of God, of which I am proudly one.  Don't be fooled however, it's the disillusioned that need saving.  It's the lost that need the Shepherd the most.

Live your life like you mean it, like it is a gift from God, which it is.  A miraculous gift, nothing to be taken lightly or for granted.  Live your life like Spirit is watching and teaching and praying that you will get the real reason you are here.  Take each opportunity to learn in a way that is giving, forgiving and loving.  This is not about money, fame or fortune, titles, possessions or the glory you give yourself for your accomplishments.  God forbid.  Many sell their souls to the devil for one thin dime and a thin dime is all you will get.

I love you and I pray that you'll look deep within.  The truth is all in there if you'll only humble yourself, pray, and believe.  If you shut the door before you take your last breath, you may be trapped in more misery in spirit then you ever were in human form.  Disobedience or lack of respect and humility leads to more life lessons.  Maybe even more lives.  Let's hope you don't come back as a lamb.  Some only make it to the dinner plate.  But that's Buddhism and that's not what were talking about here.  A soul that forsakes God gets its just reward as does a faithful follower.  Jesus is the true and just Judge.  The King knows His sheep.  He calls them by name and they know His voice. 

Time is on your side though.  You only need but a moment like the prodigal son.  Forgiveness is yours for the asking.

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's word with power, revealing all of His mysteries and making everything as plain as day, and if I have faith to say to a mountain jump and it jumps but I don't love I'm nothing. If I give all I earn to the poor or even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, no matter what I believe, no matter what I do, I'm bankrupt without love."

spirit is everything

I truly loved my last blog so much, it pains me to write this one. 

I'd rather be a positive Patty than a sick Sally any day of the week, but alas, today Sally is in the house.

As a direct result of radiation treatment for breast cancer I have developed a debilitating pneumonia.  Call it radiation pneumenitis, call it whatever you like, it's pretty bad.

Interesting to note that I was able to work through five weeks of a six week radiation treatment course before needing to take off only for the last week because my breast tissue was just too uncomfortable and I was exhausted.  However, this pneumonia that has developed only eight months later, has flattened me.  I've never been hit by a slower moving train.

Funny, the day before I woke up with a horrific, piercing pain in my left lung, I was in a very good place.  I felt as if I were getting my life back.  I was looking forward and trying to plan a little trip to Florida to surprise my niece, nephew and Mother whom I haven't seen in several years.   I was thinking about planning a birthday celebration.   I was thinking of a lot of positive things.  Life had other plans, however.

It's been a pretty hard blow.  I find myself wallowing in the whys and what's of what is truly going on in this body of mine.  I have had it for close to 50 years now and its cells have memory.  I'm wondering if it's just a simple side effect of the radiation or something more.

It's always something more, isn't it?

Just when I think I've worked through some hardship, past hurt, or painful memory, something or someone happens and BAM! 

I'm pretty sure I can put my finger on the exact trigger of this one.

This pain, this ill, this poison has been around me my whole life.  It's the exact opposite of the AGAPE love I wrote about in my last blog.  It's so human and flawed that it's potential to destroy is as strong as God's potential to heal.  It has the ability to pierce your heart, your skin, your mind, your lung - if you let it, if you see it coming, and especially if you're still holding a grudge.

Am I still holding a grudge and if so, against whom?

Well, truth be told, and the truth is not so easy to tell all the time, I have a very toxic relationship in my life that I have tried and tried and tried to mend, to no avail. 

As a matter of fact, my most recent attempt at mending this fence was met with a frantic building up of an ever bigger, more painful fence by the other person.  Namely, my father. 

We do not see eye to eye on anything.  We are the most two different people on the planet and how we can even be related at times seems erroneous.  I do not belong to him, I never did.  We do not agree to disagree, it's just his way or no way.  His memory fails him and his lack of empathy is palpable, but not just to me.

My father is 76 years old now and in failing health.  He's lived his life exactly the way he's wanted to, no excuses.  I imagine he will do exactly what he wants to with his remaining years, even telling me a few weeks ago as I was trying yet again to reach him, that 'he doesn't miss me' and that 'everyone in the family HATES' me.

At least he finally admitted what I had been feeling my whole life, not about how the family feels because he can only speak for himself.  This was about how he felt about me.

What he was referring to was my recent absences, or unwillingness to fly to Florida over the past few years for a few family gatherings.  Granted, working through a divorce and cancer, according to him, were not valid excuses, it's something I should have gotten over by now especially because he set the example on how to get over his divorce, I guess.  So, the icing on the cake was hate.

That's been a pretty hard thing to process along with a lot of older pains that I have tried to work through, discuss and even forget.  This one....not so much.

This one was not hard, it was ridiculously hateful, painful, deliberate, and it's causing me to rethink everything I've ever thought about our relationship.  I had always known I was not Daddy's little girl.  I have been telling people that for years hoping to hear that every one's Dads are like this, but those closest to me remember things that even I've forgotten and they say things like "well, he was never there for you", and "he's always only been about himself".  So, why couldn't I just accept things the way they were?  Why couldn't I just settle for less?

Don't get me wrong, we've had some really wonderful times together - as adults mostly, and I won't get into my childhood here and my parents divorce, suffice to say it carved out a hole in my heart that only he could've filled - if he were honest with himself for putting it there in the first place and if he were willing to fill it.  It just seems that given half a chance to make me whole, he runs in the other direction into denial, frustration, no patience and then just finger pointing and anger.  I have had some real hurts that needed some real validation.  That's a lot of hard work to do on both of our parts but it's just not going to work if only one person rolls up their sleeves.  I've never been afraid to look at who I am and what I have or haven't done.  I have no problem with saying "I'm sorry - mea culpa".  Not sure where I get that from, but it's definitely not my Dad. 

And you know what?  I forgive him, I still pine for him, I still love him.   I will not however, allow this toxicity to invade my life any longer.  I feel as if for the first time he spoke his truth.  He never wanted children I believe.  I believe if he did, he wanted sons.  I was his last chance for a son in his first marriage and I was a disappointment as a girl who was jokingly called "Mario" for along time partly because I was a tomboy and I'm guessing because I was the son he never had so the "I don't miss you" and "everyone hate you" that's a direct quote from his heart and those closest to him - about me.  His flesh and blood.  His baby girl.

That's my cross to bear.  That's the lesson in forgiveness that God himself has allowed to come directly to me.  But why?

Deborah King, Spiritual Author and Healer, whom I met in person, took one look at me and said "boy, he really hurt you, didn't he"?  At the time, I wondered if she was referring to the man who molested me when I was twelve right after my parents divorced or if she meant my Dad because she was running her hand over my abdomen, but it was very clear that one molestation for me did not create a lifetime of pain.  She meant my Dad.  When he left my Mother and my sister, he took my heart with him and he never brought it back.  Of course, there are so many details that I'm leaving out and purposely so.  I'm not trying to paint it black.  I'm just trying to let go once and for all of someone who never held onto me as closely as he should have.  I'm trying to let go of the false notion that all families are perfect, all parents are perfect.  I'm not capable of romanticizing the past.  It wasn't romantic for me.  I was suicidal for most of it. 

Deborah went on to say that I wasn't ready yet to be a healer.  At that time, I had no idea how much more I would have to go through to be ready.  I wonder if she thinks I'm ready yet?  I don't believe so.  It still hurts too badly.  I haven't evolved enough as a healer if I'm still allowing anyone to disappoint me with their words, their deeds, or lack thereof.  I feel shortchanged on one hand and so very blessed on the other.  I feel so completely broken and felt so completely determined to fix it that every single time I tried to fix things - it just got worse and worse and now I'm here.

So what have I learned?

To start with, it is so important to speak YOUR truth.  It will make some people crazy, especially if their perception is not exactly in line with yours, as I'm sure is the case with my Dad.  I'm not so vain as to even think anyone is reading this blog, let alone my parent, but if he did see it because someone shares it with him, it will probably create more disturbance but if you read my past blogs - and I've blogged for many years - this topic was never touched.  I stayed clear of it.  I didn't want to speak my truth especially when everyone close to me has moved on and expected me to do so also.  I don't really care anymore.  I cannot walk around with this bottled up in me creating dis-ease any longer.  I tried my best to make a really bad situation better but you know what? 

Sometimes it just is what it is and you either accept it, forgive and move on - or you live a life of unmet expectations, disappointments and hurts and you know what that gets you?  Cancer.  Pneumonia.  Ill.

Speaking your truth does not mean hurting the people around you.  It does not mean hurt others to make yourself feel better.  It just means tell your TRUE story.  I wish I could tell my story and leave others out of it, but it wouldn't be much of a story would it?  It would just be me blabbering.  No.  I have a story to tell.  I have a biography, a life, a journey that has a beginning and a middle, so far.  I am planning a wonderful ending, I can tell you that much, if God lets me live long enough.

I have only always wanted to help people since I was young girl.  I remember telling my Dad that and he sarcastically said "then go to Africa and feed the starving children".  Not a note of sincerity in that,  he mocked me and you know what?  It didn't change that part of who I am, not one bit. 

There are 17 million hungry children in this country right now, hungry for love, food, attention.  When I am well, I am going to be reaching out to the organizations that feed them and I'm getting involved.  I pray that God would satisfy these children and allow me to feed some.  I pray that God would heal the world and allow me to heal some.  I'm not interested in hurting anyone for any reason.  I want my story to be all about helping others, not about helping myself.  I want my strength to help others.  I want my life to be a testimony of helping others.

Mother Teresa I am not, but I sure do look up to her and aspire to be half as good as the heart God gave her.

When I speak my truth, I pray that I am 'not bitter but better' as LL Cool J says.  I pray that my heart is full of forgiveness and that any hurt from my past is brought into the light and changed into a learning lesson to help others.  No, I did not survive the Holocaust.  No, I was not abused by my Dad.  I believe he loved me as best he could, or chose to, but a survivor I am. 

Like a phoeix rising, I will over come, from this life into the next taking all my battle scars proudly with me.  I am triumphant because of who is in me and for no other reason.  I will show you how great I am because of how great He is.

Now maybe you know why I cling to God so much.  Simple right?

dancing in the light

No matter what, keep pushing forward.

Some days are easier than others and when you reflect back on hard times, hopefully you will be kind to yourself.  Hopefully you will paint a picture that reminds you of the extraordinary person and situation you have found yourself in.  Living in these times is a miracle, a struggle, an unbelievable journey of discovery.

Pushing forward to me means marking this very extraordinary year in my life with success, love for self and others, forgiveness, healing, wisdom and great health,;  physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I will be 50 this year and I feel that finally, I am more willing to look at the who of what I am, and the what.

Personal identity is different for everyone.  I've always been very comfortable belonging to God.  I've always felt the complete devotion and surrounding love of God despite my comings and goings.  It's as if the times I wandered the furthest away God was somehow watching me and willing me closer.  I've never felt abandoned or even judged by God.  I can say that in prayer, however, God has gently revealed the flaws that this human needed to change.  God would nudge me one way or the other, and if I were smart and paying attention, I would modify that behavior and reap the reward for obedience.  I remember being criticized by those closest to me because they couldn't understand this relationship.  It didn't matter to me though, it was and is truly who I am at my deepest core.  I am a child of God.  I can say that and hold my head up high.  This kind of love is AGAPE love - it is selfless, spiritual and Godly.

I am completely drawn and consumed in this love.  I always have been.  I remember as a child being in the nursery school convent with the Sisters feeling this Spirit and loving every minute of It's presence.  I remember praying in Latin and singing hymns in Catholic school shortly thereafter.  I was too young to articulate what I was feeling or seeing, but it would carve out my life's identity and purpose.  As class progressed, I was introduced to Jesus, and He has changed my life forever. 

I remember reading from my Good News Testament about Mary, Jesus and His disciples, the feeding of the five thousand and the miraculous healings.  I remember Jesus being very tender and loving.  I remember being very upset by what would follow.  The cruelty and madness that would eventually take my Lord's life was mindblowing.  It still is.  How could people do such things?

I had a crucifix in my bedroom at that time.  It was very well made.  I know because everynight I would remove the nails from Jesus's hands and feet.  I would take Him down from His cross and give Him rest.  I couldn't all together understand the crucifixion at that young age, except that I couldn't stand to see Him suffer, hanging on that cross.  Unfortunately, I had to put Him back though.  My Mother, Joan, taught me to put everything back where I found it, and Jesus was no exception.  Unwillingly, I would obediently return my Saviour to His suffering.

Of course and most thankfully, we all know that Jesus rose from the dead and is alive and well.  The cross is a symbol of His sacrifice for us.  He died so that we may live - and live abundantly.  He suffered the sins of all of us, so that whomsover believes in Him will have eternal life.  Talk about forgiveness.

When Jesus says "Father forgive them for they know not what they do", I'm pretty sure He's still taking about you and me today.  Two thousand years ago and then some, Jesus dies on the cross for all sinners, and yet we're still sinning.  We're still so full of ourselves, like the Jews and Romans of His time, so sure that our posture is perfect and our thinking is not distorted.  Jesus knows better.  Spirit knows better.  Mary and the Angels know better. 

That kind of thinking is what the real warfare is about.  Thoughts that stir the heart into deeds despicable.  Things we do to ourselves, our own families and children, our neighbors.  It's as if we've learned nothing - but that's not the case.  These things need to happen.  Read the Book of Revelation.  Jesus' time has not yet come.  He will come for His church, His long-suffering church.  He will come for those that He has called, that stand with Him and pray for peace, love and forgiveness.  And what a mighty fine day this will be.  I am waiting and waited still for this day.

I am a warrior for God and I have signed up for the long haul.  I can not wait to see what my heart has yearned for these past 50 years.  I am so very grateful for my life, this human experience, and all that I've learned.  I am a divine child of the Most High Spirit that is God and I couldn't be happier with the who and what that I am and am still becomming.

Jesus, I am still so in love with you, let's go dancing in the light.

You Can't Bing Buddha

There is an awful lot of information out there.  We're connected to the world in so many ways, especially the internet.  We need an expert in tutoring, we go to the internet.  We need a plumber, we Google it.   We need a mortgage, a new dress, a date, we Google or Bing it.  We want to learn a new language, take a trip, find a new place to meditate or do yoga, we look it up.  This is especially helpful if we're not familiar with what we need, or if we're just branching out of our comfort zone.  The challenge, however, is deciphering through the amazing amount of responses we'd get to any one of these queries.

For instance, I just googled "where can I meditate in NJ" and I received over 1 million answers, places and teachers associated thereto.  Over 1 MILLION.  What's a soul searcher to do?

This kind of informational access can be quite overwhelming.  With the advancement of technology, access to information has never before been this mainstream in the world, and I imagine it will only increase. 

The media plays a very interesting role in providing us with worldwide information.  You might expect that media is a friendly service provider helping humans to be aware, educated and knowledgeable about the world and its happenings but we all know media has an agenda.  Certainly selling newspapers and magazines all the while keeping the 'masses' informed in a controlled manner before the www was definitely an agenda but now that print media has changed has media changed it's agenda?  Not likely.  So the information that we do get can sometimes be watered down, luke warm, corralling and offering a mass mindset more palatable to government and the powers that be.  Okay, but at least we're informed right?  No.  Informed or hypnotised?

The media screens through what it deems important and that gets filtered through, they make the decision as to what's important, or not so much, and when you consistently watch the news you begin to see a pattern.   As when you log onto MSN or Yahoo, the stories are filtered through.  You read what they decide you read.  Hmmmmm.  We've all noticed the uplifting, feel good stories they sometimes report but for the most part it's horrific.  Consistently horrific.  That's peculiar isn't it?  Perhaps a spirit of discernment is necessary to rise above the humans way its decided to run this planet and share information?

So there is a ton of information out there, and most of it is being filtered through to us.  Some is spoon fed, some is force fed through multiple outlets simultaneously.  If one is not careful, one may begin to rely on and believe all this informational data input.  I mean, of course 'they' wouldn't tell us something if it weren't true, right?  'They' wouldn't repeat over and over that something is good for you if it weren't, right?  Who decides?

As with any subject matter, there has to be some common sense but to a certain extent, if you really don't know any better, you'd be forced to trust or rely on an 'expert'.  Typically there are individuals with reputations that precede them in certain arenas.  Those situations speak for themselves and help in taking most of the guess work out of the equation.  But what about spiritual matters or spiritual evolution.  What about our spiritual journeys.  How do we navigate the world wide web of information as it pertains to our real purpose for being here?  Our soul journey?

For me personally, it begins in the heart.  In prayer, I have come to know the deep peace that transcends my understanding.  I have visited this place in my heart and I've learned to trust it.  Through prayer and meditation I can go deep inside to where there is stillness and silence and I can play there.  There is not a lot of Q and A happening, just trust, acceptance and a floating about.  That being said, that's where the discerning spirit comes in. 

In this world as we navigate the real Q and A of life, the answers sometimes fly into us in mass amounts.  Why not try this?  How about that?  What if you went in this direction?  I imagine if you ask anyone anything you'd get an answer.  The question is 'how do you know the answer is right for you'? 

You absolutely need to cultivate your discerning spirit; the ear that hears from deep within all that is light and God and righteous.  This is not about emotions or feelings per se, in fact, in Christianity and Buddhism we're taught to be mistrusting of our feelings and our emotions, after all they are temporary and subject to change so this mindset makes perfect sense and fits in with spirit.  It does not cause friction and it's notion is undisturbed inside of me.  I am not resisting, nor is the spirit within me resisting.  I, therefore, can accept it as truth.  I have to say here that when I was younger I was way more consumed with my feelings and emotions which resisted a lot (emphasis on 'resisted a lot').  They were strong and powerful, so real.  I was depressed and hurt and I was not allowing the spirit of discernment to operate in my life.  It wasn't until I matured spiritually that I realized I was not using the tools at my fingertips.  By the way, spirit will never force you to engage it.  It is sweet and gentle and kind and loving.  It is nothing to fear althought it is very mysterious.  It is the essence of who we are at the center of our beings.  It is more of who we are then our body will ever be although the body itself is a wealth of lessons and information - but that's for another blog.

The first step is to realize how you live your life and how you make decisions.  When faced with a challenge, do you create lists and gather information by exhausting all outward resources until your head explodes with every possible scenario?  Do you make a bunch of phone calls calling all guru's picking brains and getting advice from the experts?  Do you watch Dr. Oz if it's medically related while simultaneously googling WebMD?  Do you call your Mom to see how Grandma used to do it?  Well, of course you do, and so does mostly everybody to some degree or another. 

And then reality sets in and the big decision needs to be made.  You've tossed and turned, your mind consumed with millions of letters createing many words and possible outcomes but you still don't know what to do.  This is the time for spiritual discernment.  I love the bumper stickers WWJD "what would Jesus do"? but it's way more than that.  You can't Google Jesus, get His number and call Him to ask if you should stay or go.  You can't Bing Buddha and ask if all is as it should be.  No, you can't use the internet to connect to spirit.  You can use your heart though.

Through meditation and prayer you can connect thoroughly to spirit to enhance your peace factor thereby affording you stability of mind (emotions/feelings) to connect with and make the best possible decisions for your life.  There is most definetly a voice within and it mostly speaks in silence.  Its voice is inaudible.  It is a knowing deep in the core of our being.  It is a vibration and a light.  The light is always on and the vibration is also ready to be amped up if you are so inclined.  Walk into the light and you will be illuminated.  Tap into the center and silence of your heart and silence and peace will become your friends.  They are the best teachers and the spirit of discernment feeds off of and becomes the source of all decisions and knowing.  You never need to go outside of yourself to make critical decisions about your life.  Knowing this creates a love affair steeped in trust, humility, a willingness to go within.  The outter becomes easier to navigate when we realize the source of all life comes from within.  The decisions, the passion, the choices, the dreams, the visions, they all come from within too.  We are creating this life along with it's challenges if only to realize that waking up to spirit is the only real decision that needs to be made.

The rest is for spirit to choose, maintain, operate, advise and assist.  Without the spirit of discernment we are ships without orrs.  We are floating about with no direction.

Embrace the best possible scenario the first time around by engaging spirit in the next decison you have to make (spirit wants to assist you whether the decisions are big or small).  Don't be surprised if you get the answer in the middle of the question.  Spirit is waiting to help you, as are the Angels and all of Heavens Hosts.  There is a spiritual community at your beck and call.  Don't be so disillusioned by the mirage.  Reality is just a mOMent away.

Bringing Relationships to Light

Relationships can be tricky.  Navigating the right words and emotions sometimes is a bit of a pain in the ass.  Get it wrong and someones going to be 'mad' at you.  Get it right and the rewards are love, devotion, respect and happiness.

I find myself saying 'I work hard' at relationships a lot.  I often think long and hard about what people say to me, as well as what I say to them, but oftentimes I have felt misunderstood.

Interesting that I never really feel misunderstood in business.  Business, especially really good business, has it's parameters and business people learn to navigate within them.  It's pretty simple really and I really love it.  I get a tremendous amount of respect from my customers because I give them a tremendous amount of respect.  I give them exactly what they call me for and the 'relationships' are happy ones.  Of course occasionally a customer will call with a complaint and I leap to the challenge to win them back over.  I have a very successful turnover rate thus far and as I type these words, I am looking forward to the opportunity to do it all over again tomorrow.

However, there is an emptiness associated with this 'misunderstood' feeling and I am learning to disassociate and disconnect from the expectations that come with feelings.  It's not that important that I feel misunderstood.  What's important is that I lead with love always and patch up and spackle any cracks or feelings that would steal that love.  Forgiveness for feeling offended and love for the broken heart.  I've had a broken heart most of my life because of one relationship or another.  The time has come to change the outcome, the expectation, and the feelings.

As I look back over my relationships, I realize that I had a deep need for love (as most of us do) but perhaps mine was a little more intense due to my earliest definitions of love and devotion.  My experience coming from a broken family left my expectations in turmoil.  I navigated relationships poorly constantly coming from a place of deep need.  I lived that way for most of life perhaps up until most recently.  These past few years have brought many bad habits to light for me and my inner most being rises to the surface as being the most important relationship that I have ever needed to learn to navigate.  Getting to know oneself is the most important relationship because once you truly know yourself, you can give to others in a way that is selfless, needless but filled with love, respect, devotion and happiness.  That's all I've ever wanted in my relationships ultimately but having that want can lead to disappointment.  I now realize that loving yourself, nurturing yourself, understanding why you do what you do, letting go of past hurts, forgiving others, all of these things lead to a better you and a better you in a relationship.

A clean slate, an open heart and boundaries are something I rarely started with in the past but it's how I wake up every morning now.  I embrace the newness of day and opportunity and although yesterday may have been a bear for one reason or another, the new day presents a chance to breathe differently, pray more effectively, release more expectations and dream cleaner visions for myself and others.  When you come from a place of hurt or brokenness, your expectations are cloudy, never fulfilled and disappointment is the order of the day.  When you release all of that and embrace openness you realize that even if the other person never even notices you, you do not have to buckle under unmet expectations, you notice yourself.  You love and nurture yourself and more importantly, you set boundaries.  You adjust the flow of qi in your life in a sense.  If you focus on energy that is negative or of a really low vibration - like anger, or sadness, that energy will be more prevalent.  The opposite of that is also true and so much more beneficial.

Every toxic word or deed that has ever been said or done to you that has hurt you deeply, you can release.  You can create a space where pain used to reside.  You can change that energy to something healing instead of something draining and capable of creating sickness.  Every toxic word that you have ever said or deed you have ever done, you can forgive yourself for and if you need to, apologize for.  Humility is salve to a multitude of wounds.  Forgiveness is the bandage and love is the result all within the boundaries that you set in your relationships. 

Why boundaries? 

Because everyone is on a different part of the journey.  Not everyone understands that expectations lead to disappointments.  Not everyone understands that love is the higher law.  Not everyone will embrace your thoughts and emotions as good, as accurate or in some dire relationships, necessary.  Those are the ones you need to really set boundaries with.  Love your neighbor, your family, your friends, but don't yoke up to them if they have a habit of invading your space in a way that is toxic.  Plain and simple.  Change the way you respond and you will get a different result.

Of course, most of this wouldn't even be an issue if people were more honest with themselves and if they were more interested in the pursuit of mind, body, spirit-evolution.  Some people are more on a journey than others.  Unfortunately, we all have people around us that are not even aware that transcendence is a reality and something to be searched for.  For some, they've carved out a hollow that allows only a very small amount of light to illuminate.  These relationships rarely evolve, perhaps too much auto-pilot role playing.  Honesty and humility however, can bring all of these bad habits to light and relationships can evolve because people can evolve.

I am living proof that you can change and you can overcome just about anything.  Love yourself first and the energy that flows from you will be illuminating.

Do Your Best and Keep Moving

Interesting how patience becomes something that you have an abundance of after you've personally gone through enough turmoil, trauma, recovery and reflection.  I am a patient woman, I always have been and through the refining process that is life I know that my patience has increased along with clarity.

It seems to me that we can become impatient when we limit our focus to the microcosm of what is going on around us and when our expectations overwhelm us limiting our tolerance of natural evolution, inevitable change, human unpredictability and even fate.

There are so many variables to life, so much chaos - controlled or otherwise, yet we like things organized and in nice, neat piles.  We get upset when outcomes vary or worse, fail to meet what's expected.  This causes an awful lot of unnecessary stress and turmoil and when you spend enough time in the company of people that react this way to change, or when you consciously live and experience enough of it yourself, you realize that there has to be a simple way to increase patience and clarity which would lead to a better life.

Of course, learning our lessons the first time around is preferred, but most of us don't get it on the first try.  Probably because there is usually some disconnect between our behavior and the way we see our behavior, if we're even looking or paying attention.  There is a certain amount of living consciously that one needs to do first in order to even recognize a lack of patience and clarity.  If you get that far, the ability to recognize you can change, or increase your patience immediately if you wanted to by living more consciously and being more responsible for your intolerance, wouldn't be far behind but it takes some effort.  It takes just a little introspection.  It's not mysterious at all, no mumbo-jumbo, no hockus-pockus.

Conscious living, paying attention, or living in the present moment is not a concept but a way of re-conditioning your conditioned mind.  Most of the way we do things these days tends to be on autopilot.  People are not giving much thought to what they're doing, how they're doing it or how they're affecting the world around them.  They're just going about their lives they way they always have, complaining and hoping things will change.  The good news is that clarity teaches us change is always good, always available and inevitable, so why not make the change you know will make a positive difference in your life? 

Unfortunately, change can be scary and no one really likes discomfort, let alone fear.  It's sometimes easier to hang onto the old way of doing things because at least you know what the results will be, good and bad.  You have to admit though, it's a way of sleep-walking through your life.  If there is even a small part of you that recognizes that change needs to happen and you're resisting - that's a good sign.  You're at least observing.  The doing will come later with more observation, but if you're not yet aware, you've not yet begun. 

And there's the disconnect;  we'd sometimes rather hang onto that which we know doesn't work because at least we can tolerate that tried and true, proven outcome albeit sub par.  We don't have the patience or the clarity to make the necessary changes toward an outcome that yes, may be unpredictable, but may prove to be excellent in its' return far exceeding the lowest expectation which you settled for anyway. 

How did that rut become a way of life?

How can we not reflect on our own lives hourly and see that we are not responsible for outcome, our connection to outcome and our need to control the outcome?  Let me repeat, we are not.

We are responsible for doing our absolute best. 

Doing. 

Do your best and do not worry about outcome...keep moving.  If you are doing your best, the outcome will be glorious no matter what - even if on the surface it looks unsettled.  Time has a way of bringing good works to light long after the plow has been lifted.  Don't forget, this is about patience and clarity afterall.

Conscious living, reflective and introspective living and learning to release outcome into the ether, are ways in which you will increase your patience and clarity.  Becoming more aware of who you are, how you behave, how you treat others and what unrealistic expectations you may burden yoursel,f or others with, can only better your microcosm of life, as well as the macrocosm that is the world.  When you close your heart and you close your arms across your chest and say to the world, "it's my way or the highway", you will reap what you sow.

On the other hand, if you leave your heart open and limit your expression of disappointment when the outcome isn't exactly what you had hoped for, perhaps you're making room for other magical happenings that your mind couldn't even conceive of.  The world is a magical place and when we convince ourselves that we have it all figured out we limit the influx of light, information, holiness, and glory where patience and clarity come from. 

Once you realize that you have no idea who and what you are, hopefully humility will lead you to prayer and inner reflection. 

For me it has always been prayer and meditation, meditation and prayer.  I can't deny it nor would I want to.  Stillness, prayer, recognizing that I am a ball of energy, spirit and love, I can begin again each day hoping to be a better me and touch someones life, but never devastated if that doesn't happen.   I am not attached to outcome anymore.  I can honestly say that my life has taught me that each breath is a gift, a miraculous, holy gift.  I am not promised a single one, yet I keep breathing (smiling).

And so, it is with much gratitude I say, through many tests and trials, my patience has increased as has my clarity - not only to help my own seeing and navigating, but I pray to God that my lessons learned would impart some wisdom and knowledge to the blog readers of the world, and the seekers of the Giver of divine grace, virtues, and all things inbetween.  I seek no other source.

Out of these Ashes Rise

Today I had my follow up mammography since having biopsies and lumpectomies in early Spring, and completing radiation treatment this past Summer.  I'm happy to report Dr. Gross saw absolutely nothing new to be concerned with, he could see the changes from the surgeries of course, but everything else looks great.  He even said I looked great!  I feel great and that makes me smile.

We both had a nice laugh during our consultation, as we hugged my earring got stuck to his eyeglasses - two times we tried to separate and couldn't.  To my tickled relief, it gave way on our third attempt.  It was great.  We both had a very light hearted moment to delight in especially since he was imparting much better news to me this time around.  I appreciate Dr. Gross and all he's done for me.  I thanked him for saving my life.  Exchanging a hope filled hug seemed more than appropriate and I look forward to future celebratory hugs with him yearly or in 6 months, depending on when my surgeon decides I will go back.  I see Dr. Brinkman next week to discuss tamoxifen and all that I've been through - the diagnosis, the treatment, most importantly my healing results and prognosis going forward.

I am so very humbly blessed as I rise from these ashes knowing full well how much worse it could have been.  Thank you God for your divine mercy and plan for my life, no matter how much I get in your way, I will rise.

It's All Right

These Days

One of these days the ground

will drop out from beneath

your feet


One of these days your heart

will stop and play its final

beat


One of these days the clocks

will stop and time won't

mean a thing


One of these days their bombs

will drop and silence

everything


But it's all right

Yet it's all right

I said it's all right


Easy for you to say

Your heart has never been broken

Your pride has never been stolen



Not yet not yet



One of these days

I bet your heart'll be broken

I bet your pride'll be stolen I'll bet I'll bet I'll bet I'll bet


One of these days

One of these days


One of these days your eyes

will close and pain will

disappear


One of these days you will

forget to hope and learn to

fear



But it's all right

Yet it's all right

I said it's all right



Easy for you to say

Your heart has never been

broken

Your pride has never been

stolen



Not yet not yet



One of these days

I bet your heart'll be broken

I bet your pride'll be stolen



I'll bet I'll bet I'll bet I'll bet



One of these days One of these days



But it's all right

Yet it's all right

I said it's all right

Yes it's all right

Don't say it's all right

Don't say it's all right

Don't say it's all right



One of these days your heart

will stop and play its final

beat



But it's all right



Easy for you to say

Your heart has never been

broken

Your pride has never been

stolen



Not yet not yet



One of these days

I bet your heart will be

broken

I bet your pride will be stolen

I'll bet I'll bet I'll bet I'll bet



One of these days

One of these days

One of these days

Praying for a Cure

Thank God radiation therapy is over.  My last treatment was more than a week ago and I will not miss any of it except the people.  The treatment is not that bad in and of itself in the short duration of the individual treatments, it's the build up of fatigue and the breaking down of the surface of the breast tissue that wears you out over the 6 week course.  That and pain of course, but this too shall pass.

The last 5 treatments are referred to as Boosters in that they don't radiate the entire breast for the last 5, they Boost your incision with radiation which allows the rest of the breast tissue to start it's immediate healing and recovery.  That was eleven days ago and I'm happy to report a steady healing has ensued.  I am noticing what looks like the old me under severely darkened skin tissue.  The pain is subsiding but still at times during the day - it's pretty painful.  (Adding this comment a few days later - feeling very little pain actually and my skin is gorgeous again :).

As I've said in the past, I am amazed at the resilience of the human body and the constant ability to heal itself.  My body has always had the ability to recover from everything that it's endured.  It also loves to be pushed past it's comfort level with physical activity - not with surgery and sickness, but with muscle building and fitness - hey, that rhymed lol, and I cannot wait to really start to work out again and feel 'normal'.  All things in due time though, I do need a little more time.

For now I'm sitting here prayerfully contemplating all that I've been through physically, emotionally, mentally, and of course spiritually and you know what?  I'm so much stronger for all of it.  All the tears and hand wringing, all of the mistakes and wrong turn taking, all the offerings made knees bended in prayer, all that I've ever known about God, His faithfulness, quickness to forgive a repentant heart, and His guidance has all made me what I am....and what am I?  Hmmmm.

I am a much stronger, redeemed child of the Most High God, woman, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, mother (if only to all animals), lover, friend, worker, helper, servant, artist, writer, healer, teacher, mentor, horticulturist, dancer, warrior, an athlete, human being, Spirit, I am consciousness and I am love.  I am all of these things and none of these things.  I am a vapor, here today and gone tomorrow.  I am a breeze blowing over the range of the earth embracing every delicious experience, taking it in for a moment and letting it flow right through me. 

Life is truly wonderful and beautiful. 

I need only sit in silence for the shortest while to be brought back to center, focus and strength.  I need only to sit in the company of loving friends sharing laughter, ideas and creativity to know that I have many gifts and talents yet to share with the world.  I need only to hear the voice of a beloved family member to know where I come from and to whom I belong and that belonging to a family is a gift.  I need only to remember my past, my ancestors, and all of life's lessons to know that I am courageous, adaptable, more than capable and an over comer.

I am adding a new title to the 'what am I and who am I' listing.  I am now officially a cancer survivor. 

My Certificate for completing treatment.

I was given an elite membership into a club whose members are some of the most amazing people I've ever met.  It's not a membership that any of us prefers of course, but once you become a member the light that shines in and around the lives of these Saints is palpable. God's presence is found in these precious fighting hearts.

I saw Spirit everywhere, everyday.

I met a lot of survivors both men and women. One woman in particular was one of my nurses Lana!    These Nurses are very busy tending to multiple patients simultaneously and occasionally I would be treated by Lana. As we got to know one another and my breast tissue started to change (more redness and irritation) I would express my concern and speak to the her about what I needed to do to get some relief either from the irritation or the pain.  By the way, Aquaphor is an over the counter cream that I needed to apply many times a day after daily treatment.  It became something I always had on.  It is just like vaseline and while it's extremely thick, it affords a shield of moisture that the radiation is stripping you of - so go ahead and use as much as you want.  So happy to see it on my dresser unused for a week now.  But I digress...Lana, God bless her heart, shared with me that she herself was getting treatment also.  She is battling stage zero breast cancer as am I and had been getting radiation treatment at Holy Name for a few weeks before I started.

Can you imagine treating cancer patients for a living and then finding out you're going to be one? 

If I could reach out and hug Lana right now as I type these words I would for the sheer positivity that she always excuded especially considering for the most part I had no idea she was a sister warrior.  I had no idea until she told me and she only told me because she was further along in the process and knew that what  I was worried about was temporary.  She wanted to encourage me!

From the moment Lana shared with me, we shared more than a few connected glances, many hugs, a few tears and we encouraged each other on a soul level that is simply deep.  We both looked forward to seeing each other through to the other side. She along with several other women and I would forge through the radiation treatment together while some of us were undergoing chemotherapy as well.

I will never forget Lana or any of these souls for our paths have crossed on the battlefield.

Interesting to note from my experience it seems cancer patients typically do not see each other in the treatment center (unless of course you need both radiation and chemotherapy which most people need).  The treatment center spaces your appointments out so as not to really overlap. The chemotherapy patients go upstairs while the radiation patients go downstairs. I became increasingly aware of this fact and I appreciated it as well although the lump in my throat is still there for obvious reasons.

Unfortunately, I have met too many women (and men) with cancer these days - it's the guy at the gas station and the woman at the card store, it's your neighbor and best friend's Dad, it's a friend of the family and your bosses wife, the banker, the hairdresser, I mean - who hasn't been touched by this disease?

My constant and deeply heartfelt prayers go out to Holy Name Regional Cancer Center, the kind people that grace it's doors whether in health care or treatment. I pray that healing Angels continually go before all battling souls and make straight the path to wellness and ultimately help humanity find a cure.

Brave can never even come close to describing the Spirit with which this battle is fought.

God, great creator of all that is, hear my prayer.  We are all effected and afflicted if just one of us is, please in your mercy help your suffering children, wipe dry our tears, comfort our broken hearts, renew our weary minds and reveal to us the cure for cancer.  Amen.