Out of these Ashes Rise

Today I had my follow up mammography since having biopsies and lumpectomies in early Spring, and completing radiation treatment this past Summer.  I'm happy to report Dr. Gross saw absolutely nothing new to be concerned with, he could see the changes from the surgeries of course, but everything else looks great.  He even said I looked great!  I feel great and that makes me smile.

We both had a nice laugh during our consultation, as we hugged my earring got stuck to his eyeglasses - two times we tried to separate and couldn't.  To my tickled relief, it gave way on our third attempt.  It was great.  We both had a very light hearted moment to delight in especially since he was imparting much better news to me this time around.  I appreciate Dr. Gross and all he's done for me.  I thanked him for saving my life.  Exchanging a hope filled hug seemed more than appropriate and I look forward to future celebratory hugs with him yearly or in 6 months, depending on when my surgeon decides I will go back.  I see Dr. Brinkman next week to discuss tamoxifen and all that I've been through - the diagnosis, the treatment, most importantly my healing results and prognosis going forward.

I am so very humbly blessed as I rise from these ashes knowing full well how much worse it could have been.  Thank you God for your divine mercy and plan for my life, no matter how much I get in your way, I will rise.

Funny Thing Evolution - It Really Changes You

While the person typing these words now, is the same as the person who typed the words that began this blog, oh so long ago, the person, me, I am in no way the same. 

Funny thing, evolution.  It really changes you :) hopefully, and consistently, for the better.

I really am a work -  in progress.

My soon to be ex-husband (there, I've said it), gave me a compliment recently with regard to my being able to change for the better, consistently.  I really appreciated that compliment.  It's one of my better qualities that I have worked hard to cultivate.  I say that in a humble and grateful way, and in no way arrogantly.

I appreciate the fact that many years ago, it was not in my level of consciousness to really modify my behavior, unless it suited 'me'.  Of course, once you embrace the divine and you allow Spirit to manifest in your life, that changes everything, and of course, this has been the course of my life.

I started out on a really rocky road, and perhaps the road is not pebble free at this point either, and narrow as it may be, it suits me.

I am contemplating my next tandem skydiving adventure.  I love the adrenaline rush.  Adrenaline is a friend of mine, if it's not too late in the day.  It works very much like caffeine in my body - it lasts, and last, and lasts.  I have a lot of respect for caffeine, adrenalin, and gravity, make no mistake, but I am looking for some radical experiences in this lifetime.  I am not passive in that way.  At least not anymore. 

Life, my beloved, is too short.

I've been, in the last year and a half through what feels like a death in my soul and I am only now emerging.  I was silent because my heart had no words.  I recoiled into myself, metamorphosis in the mind of the soul, to heal and process and become what I am to be.

More than likely a mystic, a shaman.  Karl Rahner was quoted as saying "The Christian of the future will be a mystic or he will not exist at all".  I can totally relate to that.

God has used my mistakes to soften my soul and widen my minds' eye in ways that even I probably cannot comprehend.  I am not the same.

Geez, my forties have been amazing.  Hard and soft.  Bitter and sweet.  Kinda like my thirties, my twenties, and my teens.  I really am smiling and laughing as I type these words because, what are my fifties going to be like?

Well, this much I've learned.

My fifties, which are not going to be around for a while ... I might add, are going to be exactly what I desire them to be.  I am called to pray, ask, believe.

I pray to God Almighty, creator of Heaven and Earth, of all that is seen and unseen.  God loves me with a jealous love.  He abides in me.

whoa

and you

if you are receptive

I am receptive to the love and presence of God.  I have a consistent desire to be filled to overflowing with the energy that is of God, which in my soul I know be love from a force of fierce protection, guidance and wisdom. 

He truly gives us the desires of our hearts. 

It's only a question of what we want, and if we can handle what we get as a result of our asking, believing and receiving.

I sit on the front end of a marriage that I would've died for, but couldn't save, as hard as I tried.  A marriage I vowed to honor, in the sight of God and friends and witnesses.  I asked God for this marriage, I prayed for it and it came, God gave our marriage to us.  We were together for fifteen years, married ten.  Would I consider it a failed marriage?  Perhaps, perhaps not.

Failed marriage is a tough pill to swallow.  It wasn't a complete failure.  Nothing is.  We are better people because of it.  Maybe we'll even be better friends.

Jimmy and I will always be deeply connected.  I love him and consider him to be part of my family in life.  Forever, husband or no husband.  It's all good.  My God works all things . . .

By the way, just to honor the Most High God, here are a few basic “God terms” that are commonly used within Hinduism:

Om–God as Divine Sound

Bhagavan–God as Supreme Personality,

Isha–God as Supreme Lord

Purusha–God as Supreme Man

Brahman–God as impersonal force or energy

Sat–Supreme Permanence

Cit–Supreme Consciousness

Ananda–Supreme Bliss

Satya–Supreme Truth

Mahesha–the Great Lord

Tat–That

Tattva–Absolute Truth

Eka–the One

Ahhhh there is power from On High people - can you hear me?

So, I pray for myself, as well as everyone else that unspeakable joy and love, peace, guidance and protection, good health, great relationships, abundance, friends and companions, family, freedom - all the things we basically have now, but even more, would be ours all the days of our lives.

and God, when, in your Grace you bestow upon us even more, help us to hold these gifts with tender care and help us to use them to return to you the great success that you have ordained.

I'm praying bigger this time.

I'd rather risk it all, then play it safe, especially if God is on my side.

Thank God I Broke My Wrist . . .

So I'll make this quick. I am back to typing with one hand. I broke my right wrist. How?

I stepped on a skateboard, of course.

There aren't enough words to describe how many emotions I'm feeling. Suffice to say, I'm feeling all of them.

What a stupid thing to happen, but, I'm sure one day I'll say "Thank God I broke my wrist....the blessings far outweigh the pain & suffering."

Yeah, I'm sure I'll be saying that....just not sure when : )

Love, Light & Healing

Supertramp, makes you wonder

I am very mindful today. I'm working on manifesting some more of what's been around me lately and enjoying the moment.

The moments have been sweet.

Take the last moment. I was listening to music I listened to a lot when I was younger. Practically wore the album out back then. Now of course it's a cd and it too, when I took it out of the case just now, looked smudged and beat up. Nonetheless, I popped it in and filled the house with it. It's on a cellular level....music that is.

Note: I wonder what music does to water, if anything? If thoughts can change it, what can music do?

Rudy, by Supertramp was one of my favorite songs from the Classics album back in the day - it still is but I'm listening to it now with ears that have matured somewhat so it's even better. I just love the storyline and the build up of music throughout and then they bring it back down to a simmer. Just like life she typed smiling.

Just now while listening it made me think of all the beautiful people I've met recently and how we're all so alike. We all get caught up in patterns of emotion and thought and repetitive, crippling, mind numbing, knee-jerk reactions to life. We somehow forget that we're in control and we have the ability to break patterns, process through emotion, forgive, have mercy, get stronger, overcome, be victorious in our lives - in all areas.

But you say 'I've got this to contend with' and 'I've got that'.
Yes, yes, I know. We all do.
We all have highs and lows and we all struggle at points in our lives.
The struggle is just as important as what we interpret as the blessings.

I do distinguish between them too. I thank God for the struggles and the blessings and I'm learning to be more mindful and when those struggles come, I try to ride that wave just like I ride the energy wave. It's all purposeful. It's all useful. Stop struggling against the inevitable tide of divine chaos and start accepting. Once you get into a place of acceptance, decision time comes shortly thereafter. What can you change about it? What are my choices? Is it really a struggle? What is a struggle anyway?

Was that illness that I recovered from a struggle?
Was failure that I recovered from a struggle?
The depression? The loneliness? all recovered from...were they struggles?

How are they so unique if we all experience them?
Do they have a higher purpose?
Do we have a higher purpose?
Are we evolving?
Are we awakening?

And then I remembered my dream from last night.

I was in a motorvehicle driving at night with a few friends and colleagues from my past. I looked up at the nighttime sky and noticed what looked like ufo's. There were a lot of points of white light moving across the sky together. They maintained their space apart and seemed to be flying in formation. I could see them crossing the sky and I could see some white clouds.

I got really excited in my dream and (I think I was in a bus at this point) I got up to join my friends and I said to one of them "Did you see those points of light - there was like a million of them"!

And my friend, who is the funniest dry humor guy calmly says smiling "Yes, I did. There was 500 of them". He was kinda mocking me because okay - maybe a million was exaggerating. Bill called me on it. It was funny stuff and very light hearted. There was no fear involved in this dream and my friend was of a sense of knowing - which was very cool.

At that point we looked back up at the sky and there were tons of white points of light moving. Then, all of a sudden, they became one. I kid you not.

They became one and disappeared behind the clouds.

That's all I remember.

In a moment, thinking about all of these beautiful souls listening to Rudy, a song about all of us, I remembered a dream that blows my mind. I love moments like these.

A Little Fun In The Sun

Last week my family and I spent some time together in the balmy, beautiful Florida weather.

Acting the fool and having so much fun.

This is my brother Tony and my husband Jimmy acting like gators, of course.

Me and Jimmy enjoying a gorgeous sunset.

Some of my tribe...

(From l. to r. - Bro-in-law Tommy, Niece Tori, Brother Tony, Nephew TJ, yours truly,

Step Mom Kathy, Daddy-O, Sister Debbie and Son Steven)

(Me & Stevie)

(me and sistermoonshine - cheers!)

My kids TJ and Tori.

Our trip was wonderful but too short. We laughed so hard we cried at times.

It is such a wonderful blessing getting together with family and sharing good times, good food, love and well - everything that life has to offer.

I can not wait to see them again.

My heart broke into pieces saying goodbye. I try to say see you later - but later always seems to take forever to come back around.

I thank God for all the blessings in my life. These are just some of the most important ones . . .

It's Christmas Time in the City

Last night, I really could've used my camera. Just as we were heading out the door and into Manhattan for the evening, I grabbed it and tried to turn it on. Nothing.

Christmas in New York and my camera battery is dead. It's charging now. ugggghhhhh!!!

Thankfully, I still had my cell, so some of these are once again from my phone while some are from the same event last year to fill in the blanks.

Our dear friends, Lee and Reid Spencer were back in town. (http://msn.foxsports.com/writer/archive?authorId=163). http://www.sportingnews.com/experts/reid-spencer/index.html

We met Lee at Silvercup Studios in Queens, NY when new to Nascar driver Clint Boyer had HBO's The Sopranos for a sponsor. Lee was there to cover the story.

We were there because my Dad was working on the Sopranos at the time and Jimmy is such a huge Nascar fan, Dad invited us. We met Reid at the very next Nascar race that we attended and we attend a lot of them. This was a few years ago already. We met and became fast friends.

The party last night is a yearly Christmas type event for Nascar. They have dinners and meetings. Tonight's their 'big' night. But last night was just a night out at a club in Manhattan with a guest list that consisted of media mixed in with drivers mixed in with, well, us.

Lee and Reid make sure to put us on the guest list in the event we can make it.

We will always make it Spencers. It is such a huge privilege to be invited to this party for the third year in a row. We danced and laughed and had a few libations.

Jimmy saw Clint Boyer, a few other drivers and his favorite Nascar sideline reporter besides Lee, Krista Voda. She gets honorable mention here because he teases me about her all the time but she's just been taken off the market. Krista showed us her engagement ring last night so, sorry Jim.

I even got to take a little something home. This bottle of silver patron was smuggled out of the club. I will not say by whom - but let's just say, we all agreed it absolutely could not stay there all alone on the table after we left.

The first bottle was consumed at the club by just about everyone. The Spencers received some serious VIP treatment and shared all of it.

We graciously benefited. Thanks Spencers for a great time. Next stop Sedona.

Winter Sports

We had great hockey tickets last night, the NJ Devils vs. NY Islanders at the new Prudential Center in downtown Newark.


I've only ever been to hockey games with my husband. I've seen so many games at Madison Square Garden but these, these were the best seats that I've ever had at any hockey game ever. They were down, in the front, on the ice, in the front row.


Un be liev able seats. They were a gift from a really close friend of the family. And we thoroughly appreciated them.


We invited our friends along who we haven't seen in months due to football season.

All of these pics were taken with my cell phone which explains the fuzziness.

We don't look too happy do we?

Gotta love winter sports.

New New

Obviously this is the old pool coming down. It was great while it lasted and we had a lot of fun in it. I'm pretty sure the girls hold the record for volley ball but the guys might protest that notion.



















Old pool gone. Old fence in background still standing. No privacy. See cars?



















Ah, much better. Now, they can't see us and we can't see them. Sweet.

New pool going up. Took about four hours. The water is another story completely.

New pool in place. Water going in slooooowly. Takes a long time to fill up a pool. So far about a day and 1/2.


























Precious water. I'm trying not to spill a drop as we put gallons into the pool. I'll use what's in the bucket to water the plants and bird baths. I've used about 5 buckets full so far.

Next we connect the filter and set up the deck alongside so we can actually get in the pool. The water is really cold so getting in the pool probably won't happen for a while.

Let me take this moment to thank God for all of His blessings and abundance that we should be able to have a beautiful house with a yard, a new fence to replace the old fence, a new pool to replace the old pool, enough water to empty the old pool (old pool water used to water the pines behind our house) and enough water to fill the new pool.

Extra water. What an amazing blessing.

God is great. He has always provided more than enough. God be praised.

Love & Namaste,