Trying Times

As I type this, I am sitting vigil with my beloved cancer stricken feline companion of over 13 years, Cricket, a.k.a., Cricksley Wicksley, Wicket, Wick. Cricket has been the most vocal, most anti-social, most fierce, love and attention starved being I've ever rescued. From the day I rescued her, I noticed that she was quite needy and traumatized from wherever and whatever. I rescued her from the local animal shelter, along with her sister Rosie, and now here we are. We have done all we can do for her medically and the vet gave her only a couple of days, so now, it's just a matter of time. I have been giving her Reiki, intentionally of course, and it's just flowing all the time now. Just thinking about her starts my hands up. I've learned alot about healing from her in the past couple of years. I am happy to say she's resting comfortably right now, having eaten and taken water, so there's still quite a lot of fight in her. She even managed to sit in the sun today - the thing she loves more than life itself. I honor her. I love her and I am so very grateful for her loyal companionship. I hope that I have been everything she's ever needed and I truly hope that I am and will be all she needs now. This is just the craziest week for this kind of thing. Tomorrow, I go for my yearly mammography. That deserves a line all by itself doesn't it? Dare I say that I have tremendous faith that I am cancer free? I feel well despite the radiation pneumonitis that I had 11 months ago. Truth be told, I feel really great. I mean, I am a fright to see right now with puffy eyes and a broken heart, but I'm optimistic about my health. Stay tuned. I will definitely update this blog. Now, the only things left on the agenda are two of my most favorite people in the whole world having major surgeries this week. Two very dominant males in my life are going for surgery one day apart. I have been sitting vigil with Cricket for the last 24 hours...I think this is going to be a week and half for me. I promised myself I won't cry anymore today. I know with everything going on emotion is to be expected and I allow myself all the crying time I need until it's time to move on. Crying is a huge release of energy, and a cleansing as well. Then, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. I am doing just that. It's just that right now, this week, last week...tremendous pressure. It's good to blog about such things, processes and challenges, but most of all solutions, coping skills. Prayer, meditation, gratitude, consciousness...all tools in the coping skill bag of tricks. I know that both of my guys are going to be fine. God is looking after all of us. We put our faith in him. He makes our crooked ways straight, He heals our wounds, He guides our steps. God bless you Frankie and Jimmy. I love you with all of my heart. I couldn't ask for better friends and you couldn't ask for a better prayer warrior. God speed to all my beloved, no matter what they're facing. May the Hand of God protect them and heal them. I hope that when I look back and read these, or when you read these blogs, that you (we) learn something about human nature, human spirituality, divinity, prayer, belief, grace....cause this is the real deal. This is what life is all about. The yin and the yang. Finding the Face of God in everything. I am indeed learning to find the Face of God in everyone and everything. Everything. That's a lot of stuff. That's all the stuff.

Entities All Around

On May 13, 2013, I went to the Relay for Life to take my survivor lap with my dear friend and inspiration Mary-Lou Guisto.  We were both diagnosed with DCIS - ductal carcinoma insi tu, Mary-Lou diagnosed only 5 years ago.  Her cancer was Stage 2 at the time, and progressed to Stage 4.  Mine - Stage 0.  I am cancer free currently and if you've read my blog you know that I suffered complications from the Radiation Treatment.  Today is my last day of prednisone and I am almost fully recovered.

On July 3rd, we laid Mary-Lou to rest.  She was given only 6 months to live after her recent bone biopsy which showed that the cancer had progressed despite the treatment.  She had mastectomies, chemo, radiation, you name it.  She died within 5 years of diagnosis. 

Five years.

What would you do with 5 years if you that's all you had left?

I can tell you that Mary-Lou did not waste a single moment living strongly for her 3 surviving children, who were completely brokenhearted at her memorial, as you can imagine.  Her youngest is still in grade school, her oldest just sweet sixteen.

Words cannot express the love that was in the room at her memorial.  It was palpable.  She had so many people rooting for her to survive, and thrive.  One after the other, people gave their testimonies as to how Mary-Lou had affected their lives all in very positive, loving and funny ways. 

Mary-Lou and I have so much in common.  Both born in August.  Both Leo's.  Both strong heads with big hearts.  She was truly an inspiration to me especially when I was in complete denial that I actually even had cancer.  She was willing and able to help me at a moments notice if that's what I needed.  She told me that she knew all there was to know and if I needed anything, I could count on her despite the fact that she was still going through chemotherapy and the like, all the while taking care of her children and still working a full time teaching job.  That obviously changed this past school season as the cancer had been progressing and she just didn't feel that she could continue with all of her responsibilities.  Very intuitive.

The last few months of her life were spent taking care of herself and her family.  She was as devoted a mother as I've ever seen, as well as a devoted sister.  I can't imagine watching my sister suffer the way Mary-Lou's sister watched her, and eventually having to say goodbye to her.  Mary-Lou was given 6 months at her last doctor's visit.  She only lived less than 20 days after those words were spoken to her despite her best efforts.

A few weeks ago, we spent our last few hours together not knowing that this was the case.  I brought her to a healer - the same healer that I had visited recently.  She jumped at the chance to go and see him.  Even though I have been so under the weather, I wanted to be there and take her there, so I drove her.  I realized pretty quickly that she wouldn't have been able to drive herself as it was a ways away.  She was willing but her flesh was weak. 

We went for a late lunch afterward and then said our last goodbyes.  I never thought in a million years that would be the last time I would see her.  She looked great except for the fact that her belly was swelling (liver).  She was pretty cheerful despite her being uncomfortable.  She said "I feel the entities around me".  I couldn't feel them but I certainly believed her. 

If I had a second chance to speak with Mary-Lou, I would thank her for her courage and support.  I would hug her so tight and pray so very hard for her.  Harder than I did.  I would have asked her a million questions about the 'entities' and I would try so very hard to mend her broken heart.  She lived for her children and the past 5 years fighting were all about them.  She pushed harder than anyone I know, not for herself, but for her babies.  At our last lunch together I asked her point blank how she does it.  She reached in her purse and pulled out 3 school pictures;  one for each child.  She said "this is how".  Yeah.  She was a strong warrior never warring for herself, but selflessly warring for her family.  She would have given anything to stay here to raise her family and I would give anything to have her back.

I wonder why God would take Mary-Lou and leave me here for a little longer, I mean, I have no children, just 3 devoted cats.  My marriage is broken.  My family is all together not together and I really don't have the kind of roots that she had.  It makes me crazy.  She should've survived.  Damn cancer.  I hate it.  

I have a few more friends that are fighting this nasty disease and I am horrified by the prospect.  I understand that physical, human life is temporal and fleeting but when you're in the thick of illness, it seems so very real and long suffering.  I pray for the cure.  I pray that this country would be less driven by money and more driven by compassion.  BTW, hemp oil has been proven to cure cancer without any side effects.  Why the hell isn't America getting behind these studies and making this plant based drug available to everyone?  Well, we all know the answer and that's the real cancer in this world.  Greed.  Money.  Profit.  It's pretty disgusting.  That being said, I will continue to keep the faith and fight the good fight.  I will never surrender.  I will never give up on myself, or any of my friends who are fighting.  I will always believe that this is beatable.  Mary-Lou did not die in vain and while I love having Angels in heaven, I would have much rather done the Relay for Life with her in 2014 then to walk my lap alone.  It's just not fair. 

To Mary-Lou:  I love you dear one.  I will pray for you and your family for the rest of my life.  I am looking forward to seeing you in my dreams, in my inspiration, in my hopes and thoughts.  I know that you are all Spirit now, fully and completely.  You paved the way for me with your life and now you are paving the way for me with your human passing.  I look forward to seeing you again my friend.  Thank you for your last words to me:  "Thank you so much my friend.  Immense love xoxo".  I say the same right back to you.  Sleep with many Angels Mary-Lou and please, visit often, stay late, and impart your heavenly wisdom to me.  Trust me, I need it. 

Grateful Warrior

It's hard to imagine being happy about going for radiation therapy treatment for Stage O Breast cancer but really what is the alternative?  Thankfully, I've not had to even think about chemotherapy.  My Surgeon decided the best course of action after the lumpectomy surgery would be radiation therapy and taking Tamoxifen but I've not started the latter yet.

Truth be told, once I received the recommended course of action, I just about fell off the planet in a moment of fear, panic, depression, and again let me say fear.  Radiation and I are still not the warm and fuzziest of friends.  I haven't yet said "Woo hoo can't wait to go."  It's one the scariest thing I've ever had to consider besides divorcing my husband (which I still have not done).  We are separated and eventually we will sever our legal ties but for now we're still sharing our home and our lives somewhat.  News of this disease has changed things as you can imagine.  Just kind of slowed that steam train down.  It's all good though.  You find out quickly who your real friends are when you become someone who needs.

What do I need?  Well nothing really.  What I needed and received was wise and sound support to help me make one of the hardest decisions ever...to subject my body to radiation therapy to preserve my life and prevent Stage 0 cancer from developing further.  Once I calmed down and felt the prayers and love and support of family and friends it became clearer what I needed to do.

I still didn't commit right away.  I slept on it a bit.  Interesting to note, I didn't lose a single night's sleep thinking and praying about this decision.  I felt a peace about it deep down inside although my head was screaming with concern and my heart was broken, my Spirit was firm.  I reached out to the medical community.  My Surgeon suggested that I forget about the Tamoxifen for awhile.  She knew I was feeling too overwhelmed by all of it.  I told her I may need more support and she gladly provided a few phone numbers for counseling if and when I needed them. 

I reached out to my spiritual friends, to family and mostly God, and after all that, I still had to make the decision for myself.  No one could tell me what to do, after all, I'm the one who has to show up for 30 treatments so I best be able to make a decision I can live with and feel good about.

I called and made the appointment to start therapy asap, and began I did.

I have approximately 17 treatments left, out of a total of 30.  I am having some discomfort but nothing so far that I can't deal with.  The side effects, they say, are temporary (i.e., redness, soreness, burning, itching, discoloration or darkening of the treated area, sensitivity and I pretty much have all of that but not that bad).

It's a strange thing, radiation therapy.  It's not like an x-ray at all.  It's a lot more intimidating than that.  I have to lie down bare breasted and this massive machine with an extended arm and huge circular disk at the end is manipulated around you, once the nurses put you in position that is.  I have had more sharpee marker lines drawn on my skin to make sure that the radiation is targeting a very specific area.  That's after I was marked with permanent ink via the tip of a needle.  A total of 7 small dots were placed all around my breast marking where the laser lights would need to be focusing on so as to radiate only the cancerous tissue.  This is all very technical but once you've gone through the procedure a few times it becomes pretty routine.  You get undressed from the waist up, you put your arms into the 'mold' that they make for you.  This is to keep you again in the exact same spot so as to only treat the specified area.  Once you're in the mold and the lasers are matched up to the your marker dots and tattoo's on your skin, the nurses leave the room and then you have a second to brace yourself.

For me, I use that second to evoke all the Archangels to come and assist me.  I pray the Our Father and the Hail Mary as many times as I possibly can during the treatment and just prior.  The circular disk that's focused it's attention on your breast makes some hissing noises, opens it's radiation portal and then the radiation begins with a sound that I can barely describe but won't soon forget.  It's kind of like a low vibrating, toxic, somethings really happening here sound.  Every time the sound starts I get a sensation of my entire body lowering it's vibration and then it settles as it progresses and then it's over.  At least the first part of the treatment.  The nurses come back into the room, keep in mind they've locked me behind a vault like door with tremendous locks so as to prevent any radiation from escaping the room or some unsuspecting person from entering by mistake.  They realign the huge radiation arm disk monster, check the alignment again and they leave once again to start the second part of the treatment.  Basically, they focus the radiation one way and then the other.  They get both sides of the breast and some of your underarm as well as that's the beginning of breast tissue.

So now, in addition to two inch scars on each breast, I now have one breast that looks like I kept it on the roof during a solar flare storm.  It's definitely being radiated.  Hopefully, I will be able to deal with what it looks like after the treatment is over and it's had some time to heal.  The next few weeks are going to be interesting and probably more of an uphill climb.  Not making any assumptions or projecting negativity into the future, just preparing myself.  My prayer is that the side effects going forward would be minimal and the treatments would continue without a hitch.  The nurses at Holy Name Hospital are and always have been angelic.  They are selfless and always at the ready to assist me with whatever concerns I have, as are my Doctors.  I am in good hands, spiritually and medically and I know that all of this is necessary and will be exactly what I was supposed to do to prevent something much more horrific.

Cancer seems to be rampant these days.  I hear of more and more people becoming sick and some have even died.  My best friends Dad, Joseph Gaspari passed away recently succumbing to his terminal brain cancer after valiantly fighting for more than two years. 

Joe, you are such an inspiration to me.  I am so proud of the fight that you fought and you remind me every day that what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.  Your legacy will live on in your children and their children, one day.  Your Spirit lives on, this I know, and I pray for you and your family constantly.  You are greatly missed my friend and I know we will meet again to discuss our war against this disease and our love for one another and all that we share mutually.  I will never forget you and I'm so lucky to have known you.  God speed Joseph.

Looking for Mercy Street

Sometimes the road we're on changes in the distance. 
It's not until we're right on top of it and then we realize,
we may be in for a bumpy ride.

Such is life I suppose.  The road is bumpy most days.  You have to carefully navigate your way through everything.  Going to the bakery for a loaf of crusty Italian bread is sometimes not an easy task living here in Northern New Jersey.  You will probably see a bird or two when driving since most of us around this area are in a constant hurry and if you stop where you shouldn't and slow someone else down, the birds, cuss words and beeping start almost immediately. 

The funny part about this is once you're in the bakery, those same people are nodding, slightly smiling and acknowledging the fact the weather is really nice today.  Once they're back in the cars or SUV's it's a whole 'nother' story.



We navigate the world and get used to doing it a certain way.
We sometimes go through life on auto-pilot not really appreciating
how we got from one place to another, so pre-occupied. 

 After having my mammography, I was sent for needle and stereotactic biopsies of both breasts only to find out I have the best possible scenario when it comes to the beginning stages of breast cancer.  One breast is more suspicious than the other (those suspicious breasts lol).  It seems that everything we navigate, we navigate in stages and this is no different.

As I navigate through this new world of medical problems, procedures, cures and treatments, my head is spinning.  I was on auto-pilot and very happy to be so, I guess, but the road has changed for me and tomorrow I find out just how much my near future with be affected by this new terrain.

Tomorrow I meet with a Surgeon to determine the best course of action once they remove the suspicious breast tissue.  I've been doing a little research and have heard that the treatment for Ductal carcinoma in situ and Lobular carcinoma in situ is medicine and radiation.  No one has said the word chemotheraphy to me and I'm quite happy with that although I haven't had the meeting with the surgeon yet so that remains to be seen.

Regardless, I am on this road now and the only option is getting well and preserving my life as best I can in the here and now.  I am not even 50 years old and I'm not done living.  Sure this is the best case scenario and it's early and all, but my mortality is staring and glaring me in the face taunting me, daring me not to look at it and using my faith as the main reason not to.  But I am a human being also and that in and of itself has it's human qualities.  I have memory.  I feel pain.  I bleed.  I cry.  I fear.  So I know that this is definetly not going to be easy.  Nothing ever is, is it?

Then one day the road we're on looks different.
It's not as smooth as we remember it being.
It's a whole lot more than we anticipated, but we're on it nonetheless.

And how am I?  Hmmm?  Well, I've had my moments.

When I first heard that there may be a problem, I knew deep down inside that it wasn't going to be over any time soon.  I was hoping that my intuition was wrong, but it rarely is.  I have a voice inside (call it my spirit, my angels, my God, Jesus, frankly I don't care, I just know it's there and I trust it) that guides me ever so gently.  It was quiet, yet cautious.  It wasn't until I got the results from the biopsies that everything was A-Okay that I kinda heard my spirit say 'not so fast'.  I wanted to rejoice so desperately.  I wanted to take a really deep breath and put this scare behind me, but something inside just didn't embrace the news.  Good thing too since shortly thereafter I got the phone call that A) this has never happened before (giving only partial news) B) the news went from great to not so great and C) everyone was apologizing to me.

I knew it.

I didn't want to believe that God would allow me to navigate this terraine, but why not?  Some of the most amazing people that I've ever known have been afflicted with this disease.  Why not me?

I had seen this road before a couple of times, more specifically once when I was a young girl living in Jersey City.  My Aunt Helen, who was married to my Uncle Larry, lived downstairs from my Grandmother Mary.  Aunt Helen had breast cancer and had a double masectomy as I recall.  It was horrific hearing my Grandmother Mary talk about her dear friend and Sister-In-Law Helen and how much pain she was in.  I remember my Grandmother wringing her hands and pacing back and forth talking on the telephone to our relatives giving them the updates.  Keeping in mind this was the early 70's and so much has changed since then, this is still my first contact with such a horrible disease.  It eventually took her life.

I will always remember my Aunt Helen.  She had the sweetest smile and she was always so very kind to me.  I realize now also how very brave she was.  She would be proud today of her family and I hope she knows how much I miss her.  I know she does and I know she's ever present ready to minister to me, as is my Grandmother Mary and my Aunt Jean, my Grandmother's Sister.  These women were the staples in our family surely keeping us together.  I miss them and wish I could seek counsel from them as well as comfort.

Interesting to note here that since Facebook has increased in popularity, my cousins have taken an interest in communicating with one another.  We are all together in cyberspace encouraging one another to get through life's bumpy terrains and it's terrific.  We were so close as children rarely not together that now, even though we're all grown and on our own paths, we're still so very close and want to be.  That's what family is all about...wanting to be with each other - not having to be.  There's a difference.

I have also lost a couple of other great friends to cancer;  Dina and Bobbi.  They will forever be missed.  Such amazing women.  And, as I type these words my dearest friend Rachael's Dad Joe is dying from brain cancer.  Never did a man want his family more than this man and he's being robbed and stripped from it.  It breaks my heart and it should not happen to this family or this man.  It shouldn't happen to anyone.  It shouldn't even happen to me. 

But, I'm not Job (read the story of Job in the Old Testament- if you haven't you're missing an amazing conversation between man and Maker in regard to the why's of life).  I will not question God.  I will accept my circumstances, but accept with a fierce determination to overcome.

Tomorrow will be a day won't it?  I will hear things I never, ever wanted to hear.  I will have to make decisions I never, ever wanted to make;  life preserving, life changing, life altering decisions.  Hopefully, and this is the operative word for my life, hopefully, it will go smoothly, nary a bump and I will come home with a plan of action and the light will present itself illuminating my path, making it straight, and allowing me the grace to navigate it.

So, here's to me Ree!  God speed my love, go, be well and conquer the world as He has conquered the world.

I will, and I shall. 

We all look off into the distance to find hope in the light. however,
I'm learning that hope lives in the heart today, at this moment,
while we're taking this turn.

We are bound only by our perceptions and beliefs, I know this,
however, some blows are harder to get over than others.
Returning to hope is the only answer.

Funny Thing Evolution - It Really Changes You

While the person typing these words now, is the same as the person who typed the words that began this blog, oh so long ago, the person, me, I am in no way the same. 

Funny thing, evolution.  It really changes you :) hopefully, and consistently, for the better.

I really am a work -  in progress.

My soon to be ex-husband (there, I've said it), gave me a compliment recently with regard to my being able to change for the better, consistently.  I really appreciated that compliment.  It's one of my better qualities that I have worked hard to cultivate.  I say that in a humble and grateful way, and in no way arrogantly.

I appreciate the fact that many years ago, it was not in my level of consciousness to really modify my behavior, unless it suited 'me'.  Of course, once you embrace the divine and you allow Spirit to manifest in your life, that changes everything, and of course, this has been the course of my life.

I started out on a really rocky road, and perhaps the road is not pebble free at this point either, and narrow as it may be, it suits me.

I am contemplating my next tandem skydiving adventure.  I love the adrenaline rush.  Adrenaline is a friend of mine, if it's not too late in the day.  It works very much like caffeine in my body - it lasts, and last, and lasts.  I have a lot of respect for caffeine, adrenalin, and gravity, make no mistake, but I am looking for some radical experiences in this lifetime.  I am not passive in that way.  At least not anymore. 

Life, my beloved, is too short.

I've been, in the last year and a half through what feels like a death in my soul and I am only now emerging.  I was silent because my heart had no words.  I recoiled into myself, metamorphosis in the mind of the soul, to heal and process and become what I am to be.

More than likely a mystic, a shaman.  Karl Rahner was quoted as saying "The Christian of the future will be a mystic or he will not exist at all".  I can totally relate to that.

God has used my mistakes to soften my soul and widen my minds' eye in ways that even I probably cannot comprehend.  I am not the same.

Geez, my forties have been amazing.  Hard and soft.  Bitter and sweet.  Kinda like my thirties, my twenties, and my teens.  I really am smiling and laughing as I type these words because, what are my fifties going to be like?

Well, this much I've learned.

My fifties, which are not going to be around for a while ... I might add, are going to be exactly what I desire them to be.  I am called to pray, ask, believe.

I pray to God Almighty, creator of Heaven and Earth, of all that is seen and unseen.  God loves me with a jealous love.  He abides in me.

whoa

and you

if you are receptive

I am receptive to the love and presence of God.  I have a consistent desire to be filled to overflowing with the energy that is of God, which in my soul I know be love from a force of fierce protection, guidance and wisdom. 

He truly gives us the desires of our hearts. 

It's only a question of what we want, and if we can handle what we get as a result of our asking, believing and receiving.

I sit on the front end of a marriage that I would've died for, but couldn't save, as hard as I tried.  A marriage I vowed to honor, in the sight of God and friends and witnesses.  I asked God for this marriage, I prayed for it and it came, God gave our marriage to us.  We were together for fifteen years, married ten.  Would I consider it a failed marriage?  Perhaps, perhaps not.

Failed marriage is a tough pill to swallow.  It wasn't a complete failure.  Nothing is.  We are better people because of it.  Maybe we'll even be better friends.

Jimmy and I will always be deeply connected.  I love him and consider him to be part of my family in life.  Forever, husband or no husband.  It's all good.  My God works all things . . .

By the way, just to honor the Most High God, here are a few basic “God terms” that are commonly used within Hinduism:

Om–God as Divine Sound

Bhagavan–God as Supreme Personality,

Isha–God as Supreme Lord

Purusha–God as Supreme Man

Brahman–God as impersonal force or energy

Sat–Supreme Permanence

Cit–Supreme Consciousness

Ananda–Supreme Bliss

Satya–Supreme Truth

Mahesha–the Great Lord

Tat–That

Tattva–Absolute Truth

Eka–the One

Ahhhh there is power from On High people - can you hear me?

So, I pray for myself, as well as everyone else that unspeakable joy and love, peace, guidance and protection, good health, great relationships, abundance, friends and companions, family, freedom - all the things we basically have now, but even more, would be ours all the days of our lives.

and God, when, in your Grace you bestow upon us even more, help us to hold these gifts with tender care and help us to use them to return to you the great success that you have ordained.

I'm praying bigger this time.

I'd rather risk it all, then play it safe, especially if God is on my side.

I Cherish The Day

I cherish the day and deep breaths that I find myself taking.

I feel like I've been working non-stop, and it's such good work that I can't and won't complain. Truth be told, I have nothing to complain about and why should I be looking for something to complain about? I'm healthy, I'm working, I'm prayerful, I'm alive...funny how our society can be so bitter that we look for the problems instead of the blessings.

If we spent more time focused on blessings and light, we wouldn't even notice or realize that there were any problems. I've been working my whole life on one thing or another, but I don't think I've ever enjoyed it more now. Perspective perhaps.

God knew what I needed way before I did because I landed in quite a sweet spot. I really do have what I have because God has given it to me. I will always give God the glory for all things in my life, good and maybe not so good. Bad? Nah. Challenges? Yes, definitely. Some seem quite insurmountable, "seem" being the operative word here.

Things are always only what they 'seem' to be, so why shouldn't I see them as moveable?

I believe that all things are possible through Christ, through the light of God, through the universal life force energy that we are, so I believe that nothing is impossible.

I realize with that thought process, it's much easier to 'cherish the day'. Most people do not think this way I've come to find and I'm not quite sure why not, but speaking only for myself, I do have a large amount of faith in that which I cannot see.

Scripture says that to each a portion shall be given and I think it's important to respect that portion and develop it into more. So, through my portion of faith I truly believe that I can make a difference. I truly believe that I can manifest anything that I want if I work hard enough at it and if God is in it and for it. If God be for me, who (or what) can be against me?

In my life, I can testify that if God was in it - my path was made straight and direct. Sometimes miraculously so, especially with this most recent acquisition of blessings in my life. Just a humble job, but is there really any such thing?

Perspective.

For me, I imagine it, envision it, feel and sense it - it's there if I want it to be - the possibility that is and when I focus on that and play with that - the universe and God get in line with it and bless my circumstances to bring that which I am manifesting into reality. Can you hear me?

The rest? Well, there are many parameters when it comes to the power of attraction but let's just say that if you need a friend, and you envision a friend, and you pray for a friend, you just might get one.

I overcome and I learn so much about myself in the process of dreaming, hoping, growing and learning some hard life lessons. I've always had growing pains, I've been here before and I'll be here again as long as I have the desire to be the best I can be in my spirit first, my mind second and my body last, but certainly not least (and I know that on some level all things are equal).

I realize that refining is a continual process and because things have changed so drastically for me in my personal life recently, I know from experience and living this faith filled life that there is so much more that I can't see that I'm growing into, that I'm manifesting, that God is giving to me.

I believe in balance. I won't be afraid.

Life is what you make of it.

Help In A Time of Need

As someone who is rarely at a loss for words, lately I've realized that I've used a few videos in my posts to express myself. That's probably because music truly heals me - my beast within. I remember the Tasmanian devil on the old Bugs Bunny cartoons which were my favorites!! Whenever Bugs would play the accordion, Tas would be reduced to mush - but the second Bugs stopped playing - the devil would emerge ha ha!

Love that!

Whenever I listen to music, deliberately, I can feel the deep stirring and healing inside my heart and soul. Music does to me what no one or no thing can. It's very spiritual.

On the other hand, I cannot listen to some of today's music. I can hear it once or twice and even dance to it, but listen? Nah. That's not the kind of music I listen to.

You can tell by some of the video's that I've posted that it's gotta go deeper than that. Everything has to have some meaning on some level otherwise it'll just be an ear worm that gets stuck in my head for days.

I have also learned to love silence. Or I'm at least more aware of how much noise I make. While cooking, the pots and pans noise pollution that I create can be frightening to small animals and children. My cats take off and are usually far from sight while I cook. They come back when things have settled down a bit to get a smackeral or two.

Silence allows me to hear myself think. It allows me to get a handle on what's going on inside. There is a ton of mental stimulation going on - music included - that only silence can calm. Having suffered from asthma from time to time, I'm always conscious of my breathing, but when I'm brought back to my breath and stillness and silence the shift happens. The shift is a state of consciousness. Sometimes we get very busy and hypnotized by life through our senses and autopilot kicks in. Autopilot may consist of some behavior patterns that are not in our best interest. Silence can and will illuminate that almost instantly.

Two mornings ago before I even opened my eyes, I heard this sentence: "God is waiting for you".

Seriously. In the stillness of the morning that's what I heard before even moving a toe or a pinkie. I just laid there wondering if I said that or not - but how could I have said it - I was sleeping. Was it left over from a dream? I can't remember anything.

Yesterday morning, I experienced a small episode of sleep paralysis. I've learned 'not to panic' when this happens. Ever since I learned this about six months ago, I haven't had a sleep paralysis episode, only this one time. I did get a little nervous initially but I calmed down and then it subsided. Keep in mind, this is while I'm sound asleep.

In a strange way I've been waiting for the sleep paralysis to happen. Almost looking for it - there is something there I can't explain. It's truly a phenomenal thing to experience. I'm not sure what's happening, as I've blogged about this before, but I'm more curious now than I've ever been about it. Is it some transcendental metamorphosis? Is it a seaming of the soul? What?

And what is God waiting for me to do? In my heart I just think She wants to spend some time with me - one on one. I think I'm spending time with God because I am conscious of God - but there is a deeper, more personal experience that I have only when I'm still, purposefully meditating and focusing on the Glory of God. The presence of God. There is nothing like it in the world. I sometimes feel it in music and I often feel it in silence.

I have a funny feeling though, that He wants me to feel it more with His children. Every where I look today, people are struggling. Not only are they struggling, but they are focusing on their struggle so much that freedom from struggle is not a watered notion. There is some hopelessness. A leaning on oneself for wisdom that never comes. For me, it was always God who lifted my spirits and gave me the victory in my circumstances...even though I was still in the valley.

And then last nights dream. I was with a group of people, strangers, who had a small baby that was ill and close to death. I was not part of the babies family just a distant friend. I felt very curious about what they were doing and I realized they were praying and holding a vigil for healing for the baby. I instantly began to participate with them in prayer and believing God for a miracle.

And then I see the father tapping and rubbing the baby, which was wrapped up as babies often are, but I couldn't see the baby's face. The father was distraught and even though he was praying I could sense that he was also giving up at the same time!

The group of people was moving with the baby toward a specific spot - like where the baby was born, or a Holy spot or something, I'm not sure. I just know that I was very pleased that they were going there and I began to speak out in faith as we approached that spot. I just started praying with raised hands, praising God for all that He does and has done. Just then the baby turned and I could see his face for the first time which was somewhat blue and wrinkled. After a second or two the baby opened his eyes and smiled at me and returned to a more healthy color. We were elated and thanked God for the miracle, to say the least.

Then I woke up.

The moral of the story? Keep your focus. Keep your eyes on the prize. Do not lean to this side or that because of your circumstances. Be convicted in your desire and thank God for giving you everything that you need, everything that you have.

I honestly believe that the passion I have to help others is placed inside my heart by someone else, somewhere higher. And if God has given me this desire, He will surely assist me in obtaining whatsoever He wants me to have at the time.

What are the desires of your heart? Are you listening and if so, is God in it? If He is, you will surely have the victory and if He isn't, perhaps you should get Him involved.

The thing that strikes me the most in my dream is that the father of the baby was giving up simultaneously while praying. You can't be double minded.

The King James Version of the Book of Revelation 3:14-22 puts it this way:

To the Church in Laodicea

14"To the angel of the church in Laodicea write: These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation. 15I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. 19Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. 20Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. 21To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches."

I know it's not easy. I know we sometimes want to give up because we're sick and tired but I say stay the course and at least make sure God is making your path straight. How do you do that? Start by getting quiet and focusing your intention on what your are searching for....ask God to show you. She will.

God vs. Science

"Let me explain the problem science has with religion." The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

"You're a Christian, aren't you, son?"

"Yes sir," the student says.

"So you believe in God?"

"Absolutely."

"Is God good?"

"Sure! God's good."

"Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?"

"Yes."

"Are you good or evil?"

"The Bible says I'm evil."

The professor grins knowingly. "Aha! The Bible!" He considers for a moment. "Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?"

"Yes sir, I would."

"So you're good...!"

"I wouldn't say that."

"But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't."

The student does not answer, so the professor continues.

"He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?"

The student remains silent.

"No, you can't, can you?" the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.

"Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?"

"Er..yes," the student says.

"Is Satan good?"

The student doesn't hesitate on this one. "No."

"Then where does Satan come from?"

The student falters. "From God."

"That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world? "

"Yes, sir."

"Evil's everywhere, isn't it" And God did make everything correct?"

"Yes."

"So who created evil?" The professor continued, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil."

Again, the student has no answer.

"Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?"

The student squirms on his feet. "Yes."

"So who created them?"

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. "Who created them?"

There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized.

"Tell me," he continues onto another student. "Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?"

The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor, I do."

The old man stops pacing. "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?"

"No sir. I've never seen Him.'

"Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?"

"No, sir, I have not."

"Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelled your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?"

"No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't."

"Yet you still believe in him?"

"Yes."

"According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?"

"Nothing," the student replies. "I only have my faith."

"Yes, faith," the professor repeats. "And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith."

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of his own. "Professor, is there such thing as heat?"

"Yes."

"And is there such a thing as cold?"

"Yes, son, there's cold too."

"No sir, there isn't."

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested.

The room suddenly becomes very quiet.

The student begins to explain, "You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees. Everybody or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it."

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

"What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?"

"Yes," the professor replies without hesitation. "What is night if it isn't darkness?"

"You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?"

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. "So what point are you making, young man?"

"Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed."

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. "Flawed? Can you explain how?"

"You are working on the premise of duality," the student explains. "You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is t o be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.

"Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?"

"If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do."

"Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?"

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

"Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?"

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.

"To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean." The student looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?"

The class breaks out into laughter.

"Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelled the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir. So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?"

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. "I guess you'll have to take them on faith."

"Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life," the student continues. "Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?"

Now uncertain, the professor responds, "Of course, there is. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

The student was Albert Einstein. Albert Einstein did write a book titled God vs. Science in 1921.

Jesus, Son of David, Have mercy on us. . .

The Folded Napkin

Are you like me and had never even given a thought to this passage of scripture?

Why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His resurrection?

The Gospel of John (20:1-8) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes. The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed at the head of that stony coffin.

The Gospel of St. John 20: 1 - 8 - KJV

The first day of the week cometh Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulchre, and seeth the stone taken away from the sepulchre. 2 Then she runneth, and cometh to Simon Peter, and to the other disciple, whom Jesus loved, and saith unto them, They have taken away the Lord out of the sepulchre, and we know not where they have laid him. 3 Peter therefore went forth, and that other disciple, and came to the sepulchre. 4 So they ran both together: and the other disciple did outrun Peter, and came first to the sepulchre. 5 And he stooping down, and looking in, saw the linen clothes lying; yet went he not in. 6 Then cometh Simon Peter following him, and went into the sepulchre, and seeth the linen clothes lie, 7 And the napkin, that was about his head, not lying with the linen clothes, but wrapped together in a place by itself. 8 Then went in also that other disciple, which came first to the sepulchre, and he saw, and believed.

Is that important? Absolutely!

Is it really significant? Yes!

In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day. The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every Jewish boy knew this tradition.

When the Servant set the dinner table for the Master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the Master wanted it. The table was furnished perfectly, and then the Servant would wait, just out of sight, until the Master had finished eating, and the Servant would not dare touch that table, until the Master was finished.

Now if the Master were done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up that napkin and toss it onto the table. The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant, 'I'm done'.

But if the Master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because..........

The folded napkin meant, 'I'm coming back!'

He is Coming Back!

Life, In General

I think I'm finally calming down.

I've been on prednisone for a couple of weeks now for my asthmatic attack and it has taken it's toll. Prednisone is a corticosteroid hormone (glucocorticoid) and while my breathing has returned to normal, my attitude is something entirely different. I feel anxious and angry and upset at mostly everything.

My beautiful sister sent me a card to brighten my day and it made me cry.

The smallest of efforts it seems are being rewarded with the biggest of obstacles. Today was tough and it's only 2:19 pm. Just now I ran to the bank - the drive through - because God forbid I should have to get out of the car.

As soon as I turned into the bank I see this old timer sitting, waiting to pick the 'right' lane which were both occupied. I was infuriated. Just go behind one of the cars and be done with it is what I was thinking. What I wanted to do was lean on my horn so hard that his hat flipped off his head. Move! Go! Get out of my way! But no, he waited and leisurely picked his lane.

I swiftly chose the other lane and waited. Apparently, the old timer knew something I didn't. The lane I chose had a loser that couldn't find anything that he needed to put into the tube for deposit.

I just shook my head thinking - okay. I failed that test too.

I didn't pray today. I didn't meditate. I did watch the inauguration and was delighted that the Lord's Prayer was recited - I guess I did pray since I prayed along. But that seemed to be the only bright spot on the horizon so far.

I haven't slept the whole night through since this new year began including last night.

It's 27 degrees here in NJ and it snowed again last night. Although the sun is shining - I can barely feel the heat.

So what's happening? Why is this so hard? Am I being too hard on myself and everyone around me? My husband thinks so I'm sure of it. But he doesn't understand.

I'm all of 130 pounds, 5'5'' taking steroids and thank God xanax for anxiety, but that has to stop.

I'm breathing better now, and I've taken my last steroid as of yesterday. Could it be that the drugs which were decreased slowly are having an adverse affect on me - or am I just miserable?

I'm not sure.

I do know I don't like myself much these days. I think I'm depressed. I think I'm fighting depression I should say. I fight just about everything except being in my mother's arms.

I finally got to see my Mom the other day. All I could bring myself to do was tuck myself into her and feel her holding me - for as long as she'd allow me to. I didn't want to get up from her.

I wanted to stay there forever. Her voice was so comforting. The vibration in her voice was comforting on a cellular level. It made me whole. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

I am not a child - but the child in me still needs her mother. I will always need my mother and apparently, xanax for a little a longer.

Don't feel sorry for me. That's not what this is about. This is about getting healthy and letting go of bad habits, making changes for a healthier lifestyle and getting out of my own way so that I can actually help somebody, somewhere. As cousin Lisa says - that has to be good for something - my intention I mean.

I really do want to help others but how can I if I'm emotionally unstable, depressed, sick, dependent or co-dependent for that matter?

I'm not sure about all of this rambling. I really didn't have anything else to blog about - I'm not feeling like much of an inspiration lately and would you believe my Reiki business cards came in the mail today?

I stepped out in faith and ordered them when I had a blissful moment a few days ago. I ordered them online and thought they'd take at least three weeks to get here. To my surprise they came today and I feel so unworthy of them.

But, I'm not supposed to rely solely on my feelings am I? I am a child of the Most High God - where is my faith? Where is my strength? Why all the confusion?

Why all the resistance? Am I changing too much too fast? Am I not changing enough fast enough? Have I gone back and done all the work to move forward into the future? Am I in denial?

Damn pharmaceuticals - they help, but they definitely hinder. Where would I be without them right now? Probably dead. But what of my spirit?

I know this too shall pass - I just hope I'm not making a complete mess of it all.

With Faith Like A Child . . .

If you haven't figured it out by now, I love photography. These are some images that I am very proud of. They make me laugh. They make me cry. Mostly, they make me smile.

Following are some of my most favorite people on the planet. They are the future of both spirit and humanity. In some cases, I believe the image captures both. They are intelligent, hysterical, creative, soulful, playful, generous, warm and full of love (to say the least).

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