True Love Heals

There are some hurts that go way back.  Some hurts go as far back as to when we were first created.  In the realm of all possibilities, some of us were planned and waited upon with sheer delight and excitement, and frankly, some of us were accidents, mistakes, unwanted, and even burdensome.  To that end, we came in whether we were wanted or not, and we kicked and screamed settling down into our new homes, new lives and new families.

We are all so unique while sharing so much in this life experience.  All one needs to do is ask the person sitting next to them and they will tell you their version of this experience.  There have been millions of stories, plays, books, novels and epic movies and documentaries written describing the journey from embryo to elder, all very different one from another.  With all the commonalities, why all the differences?  Why all the unique experiences?  Why don’t we all just shuffle in through the conveyer belt of life, travel on down the ramp to get shot out into space and call it a day?  Why not just be enveloped by stars and comets and nebula?  Why the human interactions if we’re star beings? 

Because we are Spirit having a human experience. 

We’ve all heard that one by now, and if you haven’t, well chew on that for a mOMent, if you will.  If you cannot relate to Spirit, perhaps this is a good time to review your life experience looking for the Divine.  Perhaps you’ve not spent enough time in that domain.  Perhaps it’s just not concrete enough for the human in you.  Perhaps you are the type of human that needs stimuli to believe.

I suppose we’re all like that to some extent needing love and tenderness and caregiving from the moment we were birthed, and those of us that did not get that love, well we probably need a heck of a lot more stimuli to feel alive.  Love is the only truth that gives life.  All else is just a pale substitute that you’ll be seeking more of until you take your last breath.  You will never get enough because it was never meant to fill you.  That’s where the hurt comes in.

As infants, we get what our caretakers were given and rarely does the cycle evolve.  Stories, patterns, reasons, beliefs, myths, legends, all keep the system in place.  When something comes up that doesn’t fit, the caretakers do the only thing they know how, they ask the same source they always ask and get the same answers they have always gotten, resulting in doing the same thing they have always done.  Sometimes, when new inspirations come, as they always do, fear grips the system and the inspiration is left hanging in the wind until it is proven to be effective.  Proof is the bottom line for everyone in third dimensional living.  Seeing is believing so we’ll just do it the way we always have.  That satiates a lot of people.  When people come to expect the status quo, the status quo will always be more than enough.

But what of rebels?  What of revolutionaries?  What of out of the box thinkers?  What of star seed souls that shine light all day, every day, no matter what?  What of those that got the status quo and rejected it?  What of those that came in with their own ideas contrary to the status quo?  What happens to those?

Most adults are conditioned thinkers.  They have been molded by a system that keeps them in a very tight niche.  They are categorized by conditions; health, education, occupation, status, finance, assets, etc.  Most are quick to define even themselves describing the exact path they took to get to this exact place, and why?  Have they arrived somewhere other than where the rest of us are going?  Do they see themselves as separate, divided, in a league all their own?  It’s interesting to note that these are the same adults that bore children and taught them the same conditioned thinking.  Very few believe in magic, joy, or a Divine Omnipotent Being swirling all of this together for the good of all.  The ‘good of all’ is lost on so many because they see themselves as separate, one in the sense that they’re all alone.  They have not come to the realization that everything is being observed and unity is the only way.   Oneness is altogether different and lost of them.  Everything being connected just sounds trite and boorish.

Along with the conditioned thinking is a disproportionate amount of fear based living.  Even if you posses all the money, all the land, all the people, animals and resources in the world, your soul could very well be trapped in fear.  There are moments of happiness, but they don’t last.  There are moments of love and tenderness, but they also do not last.  They can not last when fear based thoughts are lurking in the psyche and sub-consciousness.  On the contrary, a soul that has not embraced the Divine relies on ego and self to navigate the cosmos, is a fear based navigator to say the least, and definitely not a high ranking navigator.  If there were ranks in Spirituality (and there are but they’re referred to as levels), this low ranking traveler would not be the one to follow.  The low ranking path will be one fraught with great contrast to cue up optimum travel which is based in truth, God, love, unity and a oneness that has not taken root in this soul yet.  Contrast will surely separate the wheat from the chaff allowing all souls to rise in levels of consciousness.  The eternal being has a journey to evolve in this experience from the 3D human version to the 5D and higher Spirit Being version.  Where are you in the process and what about the old hurts?  How do we get from third dimensional experience to a fifth dimensional experience?

L O V E.  Love is the way, the only way and the truth of the way of life. 

We withhold so much of ourselves for fear of being hurt, rejected, ridiculed, mocked, abused, taken advantage of…and certainly, some of our experiences have brought us to these feelings of hurt, but you do not have to stay there.  Most people do stay there though.  They have no earthly idea what to do with their hurts or insecurities.  Thank God for Spiritual Healers!  I would not still be on this planet if it weren’t for these God seeking souls.

When your soul is hurt, where do you take it?  Where have you taken your hurts and sorrows for healing?  It’s never enough to tell the story once or twice to yourself, or someone else.  The response, while compassionate, is not powerful enough to move the hurt to healing most times.  Especially, when you are confiding in someone whose soul is in worse shape than yours.  Mirror work speaks to this most directly.  You surround yourself with what you are.  If you have conflict in your life, you are conflicting.  If you have moodiness and sullenness in your life, look in the mirror.  You probably do not smile regularly at the most mundane things.  You may need a lot of stimuli just to feel something, and anything is better than nothing when it comes to the human and the need to feel. 

Human needs five senses to navigate the earth realm; sight, sound, taste, smell and touch.  Through these five senses we determine what we are seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling and touching.  When one of these senses dulls, one usually becomes heighted.  If two or more senses fail, the human struggles, ultimately failing in accuracy especially if they solely rely on these senses.  Add trauma, hurt, grief, depression, or sadness to the human and the senses become extremely sensitive (and simultaneously dull) avoiding at all costs those situations that cause more harm by numbing, choosing not to see, not to hear, not to smell and not to taste that which causes discomfort even if it was meant to deliver.  The human does not fully grasp the evolution process like the soul does.  The soul knows the body was never meant to last and that its' decay began day one.  The soul knows the senses are tools and uses them proficiently to find the Divine and that which will live eternally, without suffering, confusion, disease, and dysfunction.  The soul knows this human journey is a fortuitous journey gathering alchemic experiences, hurts and all, and uses every single thing as it was meant to be used.  Nothing is cast aside.  Nothing.  Not one person.  Not one experience.

If Oneness is our anthem, our goal is congruency.

Can you even imagine a world at peace?  What would it take to get us there?  Does it come naturally to you to fold your hands in prayer and ask for directions?  Does it come naturally to you to ask for forgiveness for deliberately hurting someone you love because you needed to feel something that day?  Does it come naturally to you to bow your head to a Creator that is far beyond your comprehension?  Does it come naturally to you to know that your mind is limited in its capacity to think and know?  Or, does your ego laugh at those notions convincing you that it has it all figured out?  Does your ego tell you that it has everything it will ever need?  Does your ego tell tales of past victories won despite the carnage?  How many of us would need to open our hands extending our dirty little palms to the Divine for eternal cleanliness?  How many of us would need to release our tightened, bloodied fists, ask for forgiveness and let down our guard?  How many of us would need to destroy our weapons and artillery?  How many would still want to wear their armor and keep some guns just in case?  That is third dimensional thinking, breathing and fearfully living, and it has run its course. 

Too many rivers run red with the blood of the innocent, mine included.  I’ve shed enough tears to fill an ocean for the innocent, for myself, for all the souls starving for true belonging.  I have never found this on this planet in human form, only in Spirit.  Not yet anyway. 

I have a few very powerful and beautiful souls here, and we all have one thing in common, we love unconditionally, like we’ve never been hurt, and we’ve all been hurt so very, very deeply.

That’s fifth dimensional thinking, breathing and fearless living, and it has only just begun.

When was the last time you forgave someone without them having to ask for forgiveness by saying ‘I’m sorry’?  When was the last time you gave someone your last dollar knowing that you will always be provided for?  When was the last time you gave someone something that they desperately needed without judgement?  When was the last time you spoke to the pain in your body lovingly, asking it why it's there, and what you need to learn from it?  When was the last time you looked in the mirror and appreciated every line, wrinkle, freckle, blemish, or beauty mark?

Do you love yourself and others unconditionally?  Or, do the conditions have to be just right?  3D says the conditions have to be just right.  5D says there are no conditions. 

3D says "Me first"!

5D says "You first".  

I have just typed over 2200 words describing to you the most recent understanding of the state of MY being.  I am choosing this higher, unconditional loving vibration, no matter what.  To that end, I choose to be a very happy, loving, trusting, hopeful, dynamic, God fearing child of the Most High God.  I choose to believe in light, unconditional love, magic, Spirit, Holy Alchemy and a world that is mostly unseen.  I choose to believe in Divine Guidance, Divine Love, Divine Connection and Divine Communication.  I choose to believe in kindness and gentleness.  I choose to believe in a higher family structure where no one is ever hurt, cast out, judged, criticized, mocked, ridiculed, hushed, abandoned, or abused.  I choose to believe in a culture where gifts are shared, valued, encouraged and cultured.  I choose to believe there is room enough and plenty enough for everyone.  There is enough sunlight, moonlight and God light for all to shine, not just a few.  I choose to believe in healing and spiritual health.  I choose the glow from within that even the sun envies.

I also choose to believe in the spiritual heart of the human that is sometimes like a rain filled cloud, electrified in suffering.  It pounds in defiance.  It pounds in pain.  It pounds itself apart in currents just to feel the relief of expansion.  I will always choose to heal and soothe that heart.

All of these elements work together for the good.  One is useless without the other.  We are useless without one another.  We could no sooner learn the meaning of love without one another as we could walk without bones.  Try it.  Try loving without your heart.  Try walking without your bones.  Try having a meaningful life without all of the rest of us.  Sure, you’ll have your preferences, but that’s conditioned love and that’s like having no love at all.

Look around you.  Is your life filled with love?  When people talk about you, do they equate your existence with immense love and compassion, understanding and generosity?  If not, it’s not too late.  You are an evolutionary being and even when you’ve said ‘I’ve had enough’, you are graced with yet another day surely to expand God’s glory and not your fear, but you choose.  Every single second of every single day of your life you choose.  Choose life.  Choose love.  And, then, give it all away. 

When the human’s experience is over, the Soul will surely testify.  What power will your Soul have accumulated?  What will be in your Spiritual Escrow?

The Most Random of Days

We put so much emphasis on events in our lives, the ones coming up and the ones we've just experienced, but how often do we get excited for the sometimes mundane, here and now?  I say mundane, but I surely do not feel that way.  I say mundane, because I think most of you feel that way. Oh sure, cleaning the toilet or washing windows (if you're so privileged) may seem tedious at best and dirty at worst, it is being ever present within that task that actually transcends the task itself making it a moment worth pursuing.  Being present allows consciousness to expand beyond the imposed limitations of disdain and drudgery into the visions of Heaven.  One need only recognize these tasks have virtuous merit pouring out and over into every interaction, every connection, every moment.  Having morphed through life's many challenging experiences, I recognize that the quietest moments can be so much more powerful than the marching bands (and we all know not all marching bands are harmonious, to say the least).  Indeed, the quietest moments help us to stay grounded when the illusory marching bands come clanging by.  Remember in the Bible in the Old Testament, God was neither found in the rushing wind, nor the shaking earth, nor the fire, but in the quiet whisper that followed when things settled down a bit.

1 Kings 19: 10-13

And the word of the Lord came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

10 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

11 The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

I am never alone in that stillness.  And, neither are you (if you believe in that sort of thing).  Belief is paramount, of course, to experiencing the presence of Almighty God and His Host of Heavenly Saints and Angels.    Stillness creates that atmosphere conducive to the ever approaching, gentle yet so powerfully mysterious Spirit of Heaven.  Faith in God allows the presence of God, and all that that brings into life.  But first, you must believe and fortunately for me, I chose to believe at quite a young age.  It is so much more a part of my life than anything else.  I say 'it' but I mean 'Spirit'.  The Spirit of God transcends everything that we do if we allow it to.  Lean into God if you want to know God.  I know after speaking to several college classes lately, that God is needed now more than ever.  

Which brings me back to the present moment (always return to the present moment) and how God transcends every single moment, every single breath, every single thought, every single deed, if we allow Her/Him to.  I am ever allowing.  I welcome the experience of God in everything that I do, and if I'm engaged with you in any way, I am welcoming the experience of God in you.  I have not only come to share but to receive.  I am more open to receiving now than I've ever been and frankly, sometimes, what I need to receive is a lot but we don't always get what we need when we need it. Transcendence truly comes in handy in moments like these.  Given eyes to see, one recognizes the moment is always so much more than we believe it to be.  We sulk when we don't get what we want. We stomp our feet like children when fear overtakes us.  We lash out in disagreement when things don't go our way.  It's moments like these that faith makes all the difference.  You will know them by their fruit and if someone bites your head off, chances are they are not truly utilizing the quiet moments of their lives to maximize Grace during the 'fight song', which they take literally.  

Acknowledge God in all your ways, and He will make your path straight.  Take a moment to thank our Almighty Creator for all that has been given freely and abundantly.  Notice the abundance around you in nature and in love.  There are typically no limitations where God is concerned, so why do we impose limitations on ourselves, and others?  Why is it okay to create turbulent atmospheres throwing peace and tranquility to the wayside like some under appreciated step-child?  When does humility and appreciation overtake us to the point that we would do anything to keep it?  We go to war in the name of peace.  What if we went to peace in the name of war?  What if we put others needs first reaching far beyond our comfort level and opening up the clenched fists?  We're just so quick to anger and at what cost?  When has anger ever put anything into our hands worth keeping?

This is not the way.

In the stillness, you become acquainted with the darkest shadow parts of yourself, and others.  In the quiet, you begin to recognize what, and who you are, and 'whose' you are, as well as others.  As Pastor Joel has said and I'm paraphrasing, 'you came through your parents' you do not belong to your parents.  So who do we belong to?  Where do we come from?  And, do we really want to dismiss those shadows hoping the light won't illuminate them one day on our sojourn back to Source (which is our life's work)?  

Surely I could never live my life that way.  Bring on the light.  Bring on the stillness.  Bring on the evaluation.  I am an open book and I live for God.  I know that you and I have shadows and I acknowledge that I am helpless to dispel them without the Grace of God.   God forbid I should think that my bad behavior is capable of saving anyone on my best day.  No.  If I have ever done any good, it is the Grace of God that has done it and rest assured, if I have done any wrong (and I have) - it was truly I who is responsible and it is I who needs to repent, and I do.  All day, every day.  I have a reset button and I hit it often, as Jim Carey has said, "I ride that sucker all day long".  

God's Grace is sufficient to illuminate my transgressions and allows me the trans-formative power to transmute them for the good.  Thank God for that!  Thank God that I will be a work in progress until the last breath I take.  Thank God that the more I learn, the less I know.  Thank God for humility and love and Grace and stillness.  Thank God for patience and forgiveness.  Thank God for tests and trials. Thank God for all of those that have transgressed against me for they have become my greatest teachers.  I am still receiving this great gift through the Grace of God.  

I would be completely lost without it on the most random of days.

I Believe, Therefore I See

Last night was a restful, non eventful Saturday evening where I was spending my time still recovering from this awful lung infection by watching Gatsby on bootleg DVD, it belonged to my roommate, I did not buy it and I must say, it was a pretty good copy.  As my sweet, quiet evening was winding down, I decided to go upstairs, get a refill on my cool drink and lock up for the night.  I went up a flight to the main floor, the kitchen, living room, dining room area, and went to the front door.  I live in an extremely quiet neighborhood and the through traffic that exists is mostly people in cars, unless there is a function at the middle school behind my house, then there are lots of people around.   I looked out the small window of my front door and noticed a man across the street taking what looked like pictures, or a video of my house, or above it.  I thought it odd, but was home alone and didn't really want to make a big deal about it.  I turned on the outside lights, closed some windows and went up to the third level where my bedrooms are.

This is where it gets ridiculous.

I went to my two bedroom windows whose blinds were still all the way up from inviting in the days sunlight.  My plan was to bring down the blinds, put on my bedroom light and go get my drink.  As I approached the windows, I had a sense of vulnerability which I typically do not have.  I grabbed the string on the window blind and began to release the string to lower the blind.  I looked out the window, up toward the sky, and that's when I saw them.

I saw two unidentified flying objects behind and above my house!  I could not believe what I was seeing and I was mesmerized.  They were a beautiful color of gold, illuminating themselves from the inside out, and they had a textured surface like a dogs toy, or Christmas star ornament, in that there were spikes or spokes leading outward.  They were not just gold, round balls of light.  They made no sound and they seemed to hover and turn with ease.  It's hard to describe how big they were suffice to say they were not small.  They were rather medium sized, like the size of  a compact car.  They floated around and then proceeded north. 

As I was staring at the first one I saw, I noticed the second one on the other side of the pine trees.  I had head to toe chills and was a little freaked out as I continued to shut my blinds.  At this point, I went back downstairs to my front door.  The man across the street was still there, so I went out and addressed him with arms folded closely over my chest. 

I asked "What is that'? 
He said "You see them'"?
I responded "I see two of them". 
At that point, another neighbor whom I hadn't noticed piped in and said "There are eight"!

I had been looking up over my house and still saw the two as they floated toward the north.  And then they were gone. 

My two neighbors bravely headed in that direction and I noticed behind them were a group of teenagers, also in pursuit.  Brave souls.  I just retreated back into the safety of my home (LOL) and felt so completely confused, and again there was that vulnerable feeling.  I ran back upstairs and looked for the floating, golden, compact car sized balls, but they were gone.

What had I just witnessed?  I watched the local news last night but nothing.  I googled UFO sightings for my town and to my surprise there had been local, recent UFO sightings, dissimilar to my experience, but surprising nonetheless.

Well, my interpretation of this experience is that I have always believed in the unbelievable.  I have also had a sense of unworldliness and while it frightened me and caught me completely off guard, I am not, at my core, surprised.  Angels, by their very nature could be described as a UFOs and I've also believed in them, while I've never seen one.  Ghosts, by their very nature could be described as UFOs, and I've also believed in them, especially after seeing a couple.  There is so much more that is unexplained than explained, and until you've experienced these things yourself, you may or may not believe. 

I can tell you that I am a believer.  I'm not sure what they were, what they wanted, why I was lucky enough to witness this but I can tell you that I'm happy I got to see, with my own eyes, that which people have discussed and debated for my entire life.  I'm not too concerned with whether or not people believe my testimony, I have better things to do than to try to convince someone of something that I am.  Either you know me to be credible, or you don't.  I'm pretty sure I'm a sure bet, but you'd have to ask my friends what they think of me.

I can also tell you they were not planes, balloons, birds, stars, or anything familiar that flies that I've ever seen.  I have never seen anything like this in my life.  It was exhilarating, confusing, and curious.  The more I think about it, the more curious I get.  I wished I had gone outside sooner to ask my neighbor what he was looking at and in a way I'm glad I didn't.  I merely looked out the window on my own and saw, witnessed, experienced two UFOs, very innocently.  I mean, I watched The Great Gatsby for Gods' sake, not Aliens 3.  There was no explanation or mindful manifestation or drug or alcohol induced imagination.  This was all them in front of all of me, and my neighbors.

Would I follow them?  Probably not unless it was from a safe distance.  I have to laugh though.  After witnessing this unexplained mystery, the 'safety of my home' and 'a safe distance' seems an immature concept.  I think the technology and ability of these beings far exceeds our own.  While they were ominously quiet, I believe they are capable of making quite a bit of noise.  It scares me a little because it made me feel vulnerable, as I mentioned, but also a beat behind.  They obviously are observing us while we humans are practically oblivious to them going so far as to close a blind eye and still debate their existence.  That's just my opinion about the general population.  I believe, strongly, that world wide governments are quite well aware.

It really is up to the individual to cipher through information, beliefs, philosophies, explanations, etc., with an open mind, and allow the infinite realm of possibilities to exist.  I believe, therefore I see.  However, I'm still shaking my head. 

I did eventually get my cool drink and as I sipped it slowly, I had that familiar and strong sense of vulnerability.  I kept looking out the window in anticipation of a repeat performance, but while I was expectant, I was honestly not disappointed and eager to have a peaceful, non eventful evening once again.  I was home alone after all and was not prepared for a road trip.  I can tell you that I will have camera in hand probably every night for a while because this was as exciting as it gets.  Bring it on Universe!  I am excited to be here and am always looking to get to the next level, whatever that may be.  Pictures would only be a plus and oh, what a wonderful world.  

If I'm Smart

Spiritually speaking, I am in the desert, so just now when I heard the rain, I ran to the door.  I stepped outside and stood under the awning listening as the rain became heavier and heavier.  I thought of the many people that instinctively avoid the rain by dashing in between drops, grabbing umbrellas and running for cover.  I felt the mist on my bare legs as I stood there in my t-shirt and shorts.  That's when it occurred to me.

When was the last time I deliberately stood in the pouring rain without any concern for getting soaking wet?

I could remember a time, years ago, when an old acquaintance and I went jogging in the rain.  It was his preference.  He loved it and wanted me to share in that love, so I joined him.  It was fun and exciting and pretty romantic.  I realized today that that was way too long ago, so I did the only natural thing.  I took two steps forward and left the shelter of my awning.  I stood in the pouring rain, facing the sky, hands held high.  The rain got heavier and heavier and as I began to get soaked, I asked God to do a few things for me.

I felt the warmth of the ground underneath my bare feet.  I felt the back of my Rejoice t-shirt becoming soaked with water and as it touched my back, the coolness was refreshing and shocking all at once.  We've had a bit of a heat wave here in NJ for the past several days, and I felt as parched as the atmosphere, the grass, the trees, and my potted plants that I've been so desperately trying to keep hydrated.  Without water, of course, they would perish, as their water source either comes from the sky, a human, or it just doesn't come at all.  The grass goes into hibernation, the trees, somehow, withstand the cold, the heat, droughts.  Trees amaze me with their fortitude and strength.  Potted plants, however, need the potters attention, love, nourishment and care.  I am that potter and I care for what is mine very much.  Maybe when it comes to me though, I lose touch.  After all, I am not the potter of myself.  Someone, something, has potted me, has allowed me this life, this breath, this moment, and if in this moment I am withering, it is the Master Potter who needs to tend to me.

I asked God to take away my pain and sadness.  I asked God to wash me clean and let all the impurities pour into the ground, into Mother Earth, and be reborn as something better.  I stood in the rain and asked God to notice me, to not forsake me, to renew my spirit, mind, body and soul.  I got soaked.

The rain has since stopped and I've come inside.  I took off my soaking wet Rejoice t-shirt and shorts and wrapped myself in the comfort of one of my long, white, cotton robes.  I took my hair out of its pony tail and brushed it as lovingly as I could.  I could feel the prana running through my body and trust me, after all the illness and drugs I've had to endure, this was an altogether much better feeling to be aware of.  I feel less sad.  I made myself a cup of tea and sat down at the computer.  As I sipped the hot tea I just made for myself, I thought of this blog and the fact that I've been posting so much about the physical and hardly anything about the spiritual.  I realize that it's partly because I've been so sick and partly because I haven't felt very spiritual.  I do feel somewhat like a worm that a bird dropped in the desert on its way back to feed its young.  The bird trying desperately to hang on to its catch, namely me, inadvertently dropped me and I landed in the worst possible of places. 

Lying in the arid desert is no place for spirit.  Or is it?

While standing in the pouring rain, I looked at all that was alive around me.  Everything was getting soaked, every leaf, every tree, every blade of grass, every delicate flower.  I could feel the somewhat localized yet universal sigh of relief after not having anything to drink for so long and then this abundance of grace.  I felt as if I belonged to all of it and I felt like it appreciated my 'free to experience the moment' presence all the while taking in what it had been waiting for for so long, and that's when I realized the desert is as appropriate a place as the side of the raging river.  Both offer an abundance of wisdom, knowledge and experience.  Both are spiritual places. 

Yes, I've been in the raging river and have enjoyed the laziness along side of it, but to be so far away from it, this I really have not enjoyed.  The dark night of soul is not an enjoyable experience.  The worm, when it realizes it will never make it back to source, gives itself over to the inevitable but the human knows better.  The human knows that one day it will return to source, one way or the other. 

For me, I am still walking out of the desert after just experiencing the best water mirage of my life.  It was so real.  It was so wet and it was so natural and unexpected.  So what am I worried about?  God would never leave me completely although the desert mirage is just as real.  One way or the other I will find my God and my God will find me, wanting. 

The world could never possibly fill my heart the way that rainfall did.  The world could never satisfy my thirst the way I know God can.  Even when my cup is empty, there is a cloud off in the distance with my name on it.  God has fashioned it this way.  He has made the high places, as well as the low.  He has allowed happiness and fullness of spirit, and he also allows sadness and emptiness.  He created the sand as well as the ocean.

If I'm smart, I will not avoid a single drop of rain but allow my soul to be submerged with an open heart, a clear conscience, and a desire to live another day, despite my circumstances.  If I'm smart, I will try to remember the raging river while in the desert.  If I'm smart, I will remember the laziness along side of the river as I battle and try to swim upstream.  If I'm smart, I will remember how wet it once felt while being as dry as I've ever been. 

"If" I'm smart.

Relay for Life

In May of 2012, I received the news that I had Stage O Breast Cancer.  That same month I walked in our local Relay for Life in support of two angels, my best friend Rachael and my new best friend MaryLou.  I did the walk to support these two lovelies, but was in complete denial that I myself had cancer.  This is not something you just accept and say - hey, yeah, no problem.  It frightens the life out of you, literally.

Rachael's Dad, Joe passed away at the end of May last year succumbing to brain cancer which was discovered only two short years before after he was in an random accident.  They did a routine examination looking closely at his head and discovered an aggressive tumor.  They gave him only a few years to live, and live he did until his body could no longer survive what was happening in his body despite surgeries, chemo, etc.  It was the saddest thing to watch.  My heart breaks every day for Rachael.  She's heartbroken and will be until she's reunited with her "Padre".

MaryLou, a divorced mother of 3 has Stage 4 Breast Cancer diagnosed several years ago.  Ever since I met MaryLou she has been having one surgery or another, undergoing constant chemotherapy all the while smiling.  She says 'it's because of my kids, I have to be strong for them'.  And that she is. 

After the Relay For Life last year, I had my own battle to wage, and as you've read in past posts, surgery, radiation and the like was the order for the day and now, I'm home with pneumonia thinking long and hard about reality.  It's as if this whole year was a blur - by the way, not quite a year.  Just a mere eight months.

A few months ago, MaryLou contacted me.  She said she 'needed to get her God on' and reached out to me to help her spiritually.  I was more than willing and Rae and I met her for lunch.  She told us she was organizing the Relay for Life this year.  She said she was Chairing the event and she knew that I have planned many events, have done lots of PR work and have lots of connections with regard to sponsors and the like.  She felt like I was the perfect candidate to work with her.  Me?

I was more than happy to lift her up in the Spirit.  Offering her prayers and advice on how to get God back into her psyche more than anything.  She kept saying 'I know this', and 'how did I forget'?  But how can you not forget when the throws of life have you face down on the concrete and you're facing your mortality.  We all know millions of people die of cancer every day.  The reality can be overwhelming and it was especially for me, as I am only now realizing.

These two woman have become a beacon of hope for me encouraging ME to fight the good fight.

This past Friday was the Relay for Life which I did not help coordinate.  I did the best I could encouraging MaryLou, but participate?  Coordinate?  Get involved?  How could I?  I was still fighting.

That being said, when I realized the walk was Friday I couldn't miss it.  As sick as I am, I managed to get out of bed, put on a pink shirt in support that Rae helped me embellish and I registered at the event but this time as a Survivor.  I didn't know that Survivors wear purple not pink.  That revelation brought me to tears instantly.  The organizers who gave me my purple Survivor shirt asked me what type of cancer I had, when I was diagnosed, and I told them that and that I was there despite my pneumonia.  The tears were flowing but the compassion and empathy that these strangers yet kindred spirits gave me was deeply moving.  They hugged me.  They told me it was okay.

It was then I realized that I had a special place of honor among the Survivors.  They had chairs set up in the front row.  Purple shirt cancer survivors, of which I am now obviously one, took their seats and the ceremony began.  MaryLou took her place with the microphone and read her testimony.  She held it together as she described her journey, her mastectomies, her chemotherapy's - which she was still undergoing even only a few days earlier.  Her children and her friends, even the Mayor of Rutherford were all there in support.  After several more speeches, what came next caught me again off guard. 

Had I been sleepwalking all this time?

They announced the Survivors by name.  They called my name and I had to go and receive a purple cancer survivor medal.  MaryLou was called right after me - we basically got our medals together and what an honor to have her right by my side - she's so incredibly strong.  When I look at my struggle vs. hers, and I'm not comparing, she's the warrior.  I'm just a little squirrel trying to get a nut.  She's an amazing woman with the courage of an army of women.  She never faltered.  She was, however, so very happy to see me there and we hugged and shed a tear of hope between us.

Then we walked our Survivor lap.  Together.  Right in the front row holding the Relay for Life sign.  It was surreal.  I realized at that moment that I am a cancer survivor.  All the needles, poking, prodding, scans, tests, biopsies, lumpectomies, radiation - none of it was real until that moment.  I could barely get through my lap.  At the same time, the caretakers are also walking their lap in the opposite direction.  I could see my bestie Rae off in the distance.  She took her caretaker lap last year in honor of her Padre, and this year she took it for both of us.  She was an amazing caretaker to me.  She still is.

When we got closer and closer and the the two groups came together, MaryLou and I both lost our breath.  The support from family and friends that rallied round was gut wrenching.  I realized besides Rae, I was alone.  There was really no one there for me, except the entire Relay for Life community, and that was enough.

After the second lap, I was so completely winded, overwhelmed and frankly so sick I had to sit down.  I couldn't walk another step.  I am still fighting.  I am still sick.  So I sat and let Rae walk around a little more.  She wasn't done yet.  She needed to be there a little longer for her Padre, for MaryLou, for herself and I'm guessing for me.  Her reality is just settling in also.  It's all a lot to accept.  Acceptance is key, as I now know.  I couldn't feel my pulse and felt like I would faint at any moment, but I didn't.  I got through it.  WE got through it.

I called MaryLou the next morning to thank her and to apologize for not helping her with the organizing and of course, she said 'don't be ridiculous'.  She said that when she saw me there she was ecstatic because she knew how empowering it was.  I was embracing the reality of what I had experienced, not poking my head into the ground but looking around and knowing that yeah, I got cancer, I am fighting back and I am a part of something so much bigger than just myself.  This is not something that goes away.  You have this experience and it becomes a part of your life forever.  There is no 'getting over it'.  That's not the way cancer works.  Perhaps a splinter works that way, but not cancer.

I told MaryLou that I am getting involved next year.  MaryLou suggested that I Co-Chair the event with her.  Can you imagine?  What a place of honor.  What an opportunity to give to this community all that I have to offer and for such an amazing cause.  Not for some self glory but for the help of humanity.  MaryLou, of course she's planning on doing it again.  She'll live forever that one.  I told her I would absolutely do the very best I can to organize, promote and fight this deadly disease from the Survivor front line holding my head up high and owning who I am.  I am fearless today.  I've been educated, I've been through it - but know this - if you've not walked in my shoes do not judge me.  Do not have any preconceived notions about what this feels like.  You have no idea, and even after going through it, I still had no idea.

Today is a different day.  Today I will rise to the occasion giving all of my energy toward that which is profitable and that which will yield a harvest of righteousness.  If I can put a smile on just one person's face, if I can help diminish the fear from just one person's heart, if I can raise just one dollar or one more persons awareness that we can find a cure then that's my purpose in life.

If you would like information on the Relay For Life, please visit www.relayforlife.org.  Give, educate yourself, get involved.  It's not just about you, it's about all of us and if one of us is sick, we're all sick.  There is life after life (my new favorite saying) and I will hold your hand.  I promise I will be there.