Trying Times

As I type this, I am sitting vigil with my beloved cancer stricken feline companion of over 13 years, Cricket, a.k.a., Cricksley Wicksley, Wicket, Wick. Cricket has been the most vocal, most anti-social, most fierce, love and attention starved being I've ever rescued. From the day I rescued her, I noticed that she was quite needy and traumatized from wherever and whatever. I rescued her from the local animal shelter, along with her sister Rosie, and now here we are. We have done all we can do for her medically and the vet gave her only a couple of days, so now, it's just a matter of time. I have been giving her Reiki, intentionally of course, and it's just flowing all the time now. Just thinking about her starts my hands up. I've learned alot about healing from her in the past couple of years. I am happy to say she's resting comfortably right now, having eaten and taken water, so there's still quite a lot of fight in her. She even managed to sit in the sun today - the thing she loves more than life itself. I honor her. I love her and I am so very grateful for her loyal companionship. I hope that I have been everything she's ever needed and I truly hope that I am and will be all she needs now. This is just the craziest week for this kind of thing. Tomorrow, I go for my yearly mammography. That deserves a line all by itself doesn't it? Dare I say that I have tremendous faith that I am cancer free? I feel well despite the radiation pneumonitis that I had 11 months ago. Truth be told, I feel really great. I mean, I am a fright to see right now with puffy eyes and a broken heart, but I'm optimistic about my health. Stay tuned. I will definitely update this blog. Now, the only things left on the agenda are two of my most favorite people in the whole world having major surgeries this week. Two very dominant males in my life are going for surgery one day apart. I have been sitting vigil with Cricket for the last 24 hours...I think this is going to be a week and half for me. I promised myself I won't cry anymore today. I know with everything going on emotion is to be expected and I allow myself all the crying time I need until it's time to move on. Crying is a huge release of energy, and a cleansing as well. Then, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. I am doing just that. It's just that right now, this week, last week...tremendous pressure. It's good to blog about such things, processes and challenges, but most of all solutions, coping skills. Prayer, meditation, gratitude, consciousness...all tools in the coping skill bag of tricks. I know that both of my guys are going to be fine. God is looking after all of us. We put our faith in him. He makes our crooked ways straight, He heals our wounds, He guides our steps. God bless you Frankie and Jimmy. I love you with all of my heart. I couldn't ask for better friends and you couldn't ask for a better prayer warrior. God speed to all my beloved, no matter what they're facing. May the Hand of God protect them and heal them. I hope that when I look back and read these, or when you read these blogs, that you (we) learn something about human nature, human spirituality, divinity, prayer, belief, grace....cause this is the real deal. This is what life is all about. The yin and the yang. Finding the Face of God in everything. I am indeed learning to find the Face of God in everyone and everything. Everything. That's a lot of stuff. That's all the stuff.

Fresh News from the Force

Today, my beautiful niece Tori graduates High School and I'm missing it.  I have shed a few tears but there is really nothing I can do about it, so I accept.  I couldn't fly now physically so I can only go by remote viewing.  If you don't know what that is, it's kind of like prayer but way more in depth.  Our military uses it.  It can be quite useful at times like these, but nothing beats the real deal of hugging and kissing your loved ones.  Tori is my God daughter and I was there for every major event in her life and this one is just too far out of reach for me.  I will not soon forget that the path I am on has prevented my participation, not my choice.  Choices are very different and I stand behind every other choice I've made.  I have to.  I support me and my decisions, right or wrong, because I am still learning, growing, willing and alive.

 

I wish my niece a lifetime of successes just like the one she's going to achieve today.  I will envision her College graduation, her wedding, her babies.  I am truly there one way or the other.

As I've blogged about in the recent past, I have been under Doctor's care - for way too long now - but trying still to recover from the side effects of radiation treatment.  Of course I'm speaking of radiation pneumonitis and a 'burned' lung.  The course of treatment has been an excruciating round of Prednisone.

The old roller coaster "Jet Star" at Seaside, NJ after Superstorm Sandy.  An amazing image of how life can twist and turn, in a heartbeat.  It's finally been removed from the water and they're rebuilding a new one perhaps naming it 'Superstorm".  Somethings need to be removed, reconstructed, recycled.  It's all good.

For those of you who are not familiar with Prednisone, here are the basics:  it is a very strong steroid used mostly to treat inflammation and cancer.  I'm taking it to minimize the inflammation in my lungs.  It has terrible side effects and you need to be monitored closely if taking it more than a week.  In my case, at least a minimum of 10 weeks, but who knows?  I am closely being monitored.  Currently my dosage is still at 30 mgs daily, down 10 from 40 mgs.  Thank God for that.  At 40 mgs of predinisone I thought I would just about lose my mind.  It's a very hyper active, roller coaster, one minute you're up and the next your crashing drug and for someone who is very sensitive to caffeine (coffee - never, tea - yes, coca-cola - if after 3pm, up all night) I felt as if I could just about fly around the room.  All of this is a false sense of energy mind you.  The down side is a crashing effect.  Finally sleep arrives at the most inopportune times - like in the afternoon.

The side effects are ridiculous.  Insomnia, increased appetite, water retention (or lovingly referred to as 'moon face';  not lovingly by me, I might add), anxiety, increased heart rate, shaking hands, confusion and the list continues.  As the dosage diminishes, I am hopeful that I will return to a normal state of being but I am working so very hard at countering these side effects with sleep, when I can get it, rest, Xanax (up from .25 mgs to .50 mgs - supposed to take 3 x's a day - but I only take it when necessary.  Yes, still taking it every day but not 3 x's and mostly to sleep at night).  Regardless, sleep is elusive.  I wake up around 2ish every morning if I was lucky enough to fall asleep in the first place, around 11ish.  It's a tough battle especially since I seemed to get through radiation treatment with much more ease.  I hadn't realized that this was even a possibility - the side effects to radiation treatment, that is.

During this time, I have however, begun to do some much needed energy work on myself.  After the first two weeks of trying to recover from 'pneumonia' with antibiotics to no avail and loosing almost 15 + pounds, and then after the next two weeks of trying to recover from radiation pneumonitis with Prednisone, Ive gained all the weight back and I am now 2 more weeks further along and can finally say I think I am starting to think straight again.  What a long, strange trip it's been.

If you need more information on Prednisone, please look it up.  There is way too much information about it and most of it is scary.  I chose the path of Western medicine for the most part to treat Stage 0 Breast Cancer knowing all I knew about energy healing, being a Reiki Master myself, and hearing all the guru's in the world I've listened to.  The results are in, I am in remission and overcoming the side effects.

However.

If I had known then what I know now I may have done things differently.  Let me rephrase that - I am doing things differently.  While I need to stay the course and finish the prescribed treatment 'lest I wind up in a mental institution (yeah, you can't just stop taking prednisone - it's crazy dangerous and I've been on it for too long) I have to finish and ween off of it.  In the meantime, I am taking a good, long hard look at my life, the way I've lived, my belief systems, my habits, my thoughts, my religion, my practices, my rituals, my spirit, my past, my present and the future I am planning.  I realize that I have been playing it too small and living a life that was insecure, suppressed and foolish. 

Sometimes, you need a jolt.  Sometimes, you need more than a jolt, like maybe a bolt of lightning to strike you.  It's not enough that it sometimes strikes your neighbor, burns their whole life to the ground if only an ash lands on your front porch.  It may not be enough.  For me, it was my house.  It was me that was being struck by lightning and what I chose to do with my scorched everything is paramount to my existence, my healing, my future, and yours if I'm a healer, shaman, helper.

Through meditation, journaling, prayer, eating organic, just starting to try and stretch again practicing yoga, reading and doing my own healing work, I realize that the necessary changes are already happening.

I've never really enjoyed tread mills or stationary bikes.  They literally take you no where.  You go through the motions and while they get your heart rate up and increase your strength physically, you're still going no where.  If you wake up in the morning and have the 'same old, same old', well, there it is.  Can't today we do something different?  Perhaps there is a new way of doing the 'same old' that will bring about an even better result than what you've convinced yourself is the tried and true method.

My whole life has been about trying to be open minded.  I have failed miserably as I look back on this.  I remember certain individuals trying to bring different information to me but because I was steeped in Catholicism and Christianity, and a lot of it had to do with fear, I resisted even looking at it.  Fear is weird like that.  What's even weirder is that we really don't even realize we're doing it, it's just what we've always done.  Well, I'm blasting down the doors with dynamite today my friends.  There is so much wonderful information 'out there' that we need not be afraid of.  First, let go of the fear.  Then pray about it.  Then read everything you can get your hands on, and pray some more.  Meditate.  What you need will stay with you.  What you don't will fall by the way side or come back even stronger and louder than even the tiniest seed that you may have thought the loving sun wouldn't find important.  What seed doesn't grow in fertile dirt, water, mud and sunlight?

It's all in me, it always has been.  I have the power to change my mind, change my health, not grow old, not grow weary, not give in to what I had believed was written in stone, or what others told me was.  Is there anything truly written in stone?

 

The only thing that I believe is written in all consuming truth is the emotion of LOVE.  I believe that it is the driving force of all life, nature, all humanity, all the earth, moon, stars and sky.  Love makes us or breaks us.  From love in the womb, to love in the decay of the grave for the precious body of a human and everything in between - it's all about love.  Love of self.  Love of others.  You can also add service to this.  If you aren't out there giving love....then what exactly are you doing with your life?  What are you doing with your love?

This journey has lifted my heart, my mind, my empathy and compassion.  It has brought so many wonderful people to me and I in return, with open heart and hands, strive to give everything I have to whomever is in my presence and subsequently, learn from them.  I have a lot to give and I have a lot to learn.  I am so not done yet.  With my dying breath, I will say 'thank you' to the person that I'm with - or just to God if there is no one else around - or, I hope that I can relay some last, little message of hope like "see you later".  I don't want to take one second for granted.  I don't want to take one person for granted.  I have learned something from every one.

By the way, my Grandmother Mary's last words to me were "I Love You" and my Grandmother Violet?  Her last word to me was "beautiful".  Think I'll ever forget that love?  Never in a million years.  I am so very grateful for their nurturing, giving hearts of love.  I love you too, beautiful.

About myself, I've learned that "I'm still a good kid".  I've been told that by one person or another my whole life.  And recently, at 86 years young, Sidney Poitier was quoted as saying about himself and the life he's lived "I am a good person".  I am hopeful that by that time, I too will still be saying the same.  I'll be a lot younger by then lol. 

"A consistent positive and optimistic attitude is the cheapest fountain of youth"

- author unknown



I strive for excellence in everything I do.  Perhaps even trying too hard sometimes so being reminded that I am a good kid is key.  I don't hold passion against myself though, God has made me with a fire unlike alot of others.  I don't compare, I just know I can scorch better than anyone - unless you're a Leo - then it's on.  I don't just scorch though, I warm, I help grow, I nourish, I shed light, yeah, I do all of that and whole lot more adding to my list daily.

In times of illness though, or sadness, or anger, or bitterness, life seems to take on a vortex of pain and magnetism.  You attract the same kind of sadness, bitterness, etc. and the opposite of that is also true.  Perhaps the people all around you are depressed for some reason or another.  You really only need to ask a few questions of your besties to find out most people are struggling with one issue or another.  It's their energy and how they cope that you could become more aware of and should become more aware of because it effects you and you effect them.  I want to be a light shining not a flood drowning.  I am choosing to use this time of illness to diminish the sadness associated with it.  I am choosing to use this time to re energize my system, to recharge it, to heal it, to release all that had me in chains, all that I thought was true about myself.  I can only know this moment and I'm getting ready to meditate :)  I go within, not to escape, to increase my awareness, my capacity to know, my energy field so energy and information and come and go freely.  I am using this time to fully engage where I may have gone wrong.  No blame.  No frustration.  No guilt.  That's not the way.  Blame?  Forget about it.  I love me.  I am going to be 50 years young in August and I couldn't be happier.  Healthier?  No.  I couldn't even be healthier because the healthy me I am imagining I am now becoming.  Getting grounded, centered and open is how you start.

 

The future?  I see a lot of wonderful things in my future.  I hold my dreams close in my heart, pray to God and the Angels about it, ask my ancestors for help with it, invoke healers and teachers, people that are much smarter than I am.  As they say in gambling "I'm all in".  I am not taking a single breath with me, or heart beat, or living cell.  I am Spirit, ever evolving and what I am to be I am still becoming, as are you no matter how old you are.  It's never to late to start.  If I told you some of my dreams, you might laugh.  That's probably why I will only share them with the divine and very close friends and family, that I trust.  Most people will crush your dreams because of their own fears.  Guard them then.  I will offer bits and pieces and this blog is one of them.  I know that I know there will be more teaching.

The unified field of all that is supreme will not offend your trust or crush your dreams.  Go there and spend some time.  You get there through silence and meditation and prayer.  I'm going there now and, of course, I will say many prayers for you and I.  My prayer list is every growing.  Once the prayers have been prayed and sent out into the unified field, then I will dissolve. 

We have access to everything; healing, wisdom, love, enlightenment, knowledge, future happenings (just remember, you're creating your future so if you have a premonition and you don't like it, make sure you create something better for yourself). 

In the unified field we are all one.  Winks. 

We are always, only, one. 

Try to stand alone.  You know you can't.  Better break it down.

Relay for Life

In May of 2012, I received the news that I had Stage O Breast Cancer.  That same month I walked in our local Relay for Life in support of two angels, my best friend Rachael and my new best friend MaryLou.  I did the walk to support these two lovelies, but was in complete denial that I myself had cancer.  This is not something you just accept and say - hey, yeah, no problem.  It frightens the life out of you, literally.

Rachael's Dad, Joe passed away at the end of May last year succumbing to brain cancer which was discovered only two short years before after he was in an random accident.  They did a routine examination looking closely at his head and discovered an aggressive tumor.  They gave him only a few years to live, and live he did until his body could no longer survive what was happening in his body despite surgeries, chemo, etc.  It was the saddest thing to watch.  My heart breaks every day for Rachael.  She's heartbroken and will be until she's reunited with her "Padre".

MaryLou, a divorced mother of 3 has Stage 4 Breast Cancer diagnosed several years ago.  Ever since I met MaryLou she has been having one surgery or another, undergoing constant chemotherapy all the while smiling.  She says 'it's because of my kids, I have to be strong for them'.  And that she is. 

After the Relay For Life last year, I had my own battle to wage, and as you've read in past posts, surgery, radiation and the like was the order for the day and now, I'm home with pneumonia thinking long and hard about reality.  It's as if this whole year was a blur - by the way, not quite a year.  Just a mere eight months.

A few months ago, MaryLou contacted me.  She said she 'needed to get her God on' and reached out to me to help her spiritually.  I was more than willing and Rae and I met her for lunch.  She told us she was organizing the Relay for Life this year.  She said she was Chairing the event and she knew that I have planned many events, have done lots of PR work and have lots of connections with regard to sponsors and the like.  She felt like I was the perfect candidate to work with her.  Me?

I was more than happy to lift her up in the Spirit.  Offering her prayers and advice on how to get God back into her psyche more than anything.  She kept saying 'I know this', and 'how did I forget'?  But how can you not forget when the throws of life have you face down on the concrete and you're facing your mortality.  We all know millions of people die of cancer every day.  The reality can be overwhelming and it was especially for me, as I am only now realizing.

These two woman have become a beacon of hope for me encouraging ME to fight the good fight.

This past Friday was the Relay for Life which I did not help coordinate.  I did the best I could encouraging MaryLou, but participate?  Coordinate?  Get involved?  How could I?  I was still fighting.

That being said, when I realized the walk was Friday I couldn't miss it.  As sick as I am, I managed to get out of bed, put on a pink shirt in support that Rae helped me embellish and I registered at the event but this time as a Survivor.  I didn't know that Survivors wear purple not pink.  That revelation brought me to tears instantly.  The organizers who gave me my purple Survivor shirt asked me what type of cancer I had, when I was diagnosed, and I told them that and that I was there despite my pneumonia.  The tears were flowing but the compassion and empathy that these strangers yet kindred spirits gave me was deeply moving.  They hugged me.  They told me it was okay.

It was then I realized that I had a special place of honor among the Survivors.  They had chairs set up in the front row.  Purple shirt cancer survivors, of which I am now obviously one, took their seats and the ceremony began.  MaryLou took her place with the microphone and read her testimony.  She held it together as she described her journey, her mastectomies, her chemotherapy's - which she was still undergoing even only a few days earlier.  Her children and her friends, even the Mayor of Rutherford were all there in support.  After several more speeches, what came next caught me again off guard. 

Had I been sleepwalking all this time?

They announced the Survivors by name.  They called my name and I had to go and receive a purple cancer survivor medal.  MaryLou was called right after me - we basically got our medals together and what an honor to have her right by my side - she's so incredibly strong.  When I look at my struggle vs. hers, and I'm not comparing, she's the warrior.  I'm just a little squirrel trying to get a nut.  She's an amazing woman with the courage of an army of women.  She never faltered.  She was, however, so very happy to see me there and we hugged and shed a tear of hope between us.

Then we walked our Survivor lap.  Together.  Right in the front row holding the Relay for Life sign.  It was surreal.  I realized at that moment that I am a cancer survivor.  All the needles, poking, prodding, scans, tests, biopsies, lumpectomies, radiation - none of it was real until that moment.  I could barely get through my lap.  At the same time, the caretakers are also walking their lap in the opposite direction.  I could see my bestie Rae off in the distance.  She took her caretaker lap last year in honor of her Padre, and this year she took it for both of us.  She was an amazing caretaker to me.  She still is.

When we got closer and closer and the the two groups came together, MaryLou and I both lost our breath.  The support from family and friends that rallied round was gut wrenching.  I realized besides Rae, I was alone.  There was really no one there for me, except the entire Relay for Life community, and that was enough.

After the second lap, I was so completely winded, overwhelmed and frankly so sick I had to sit down.  I couldn't walk another step.  I am still fighting.  I am still sick.  So I sat and let Rae walk around a little more.  She wasn't done yet.  She needed to be there a little longer for her Padre, for MaryLou, for herself and I'm guessing for me.  Her reality is just settling in also.  It's all a lot to accept.  Acceptance is key, as I now know.  I couldn't feel my pulse and felt like I would faint at any moment, but I didn't.  I got through it.  WE got through it.

I called MaryLou the next morning to thank her and to apologize for not helping her with the organizing and of course, she said 'don't be ridiculous'.  She said that when she saw me there she was ecstatic because she knew how empowering it was.  I was embracing the reality of what I had experienced, not poking my head into the ground but looking around and knowing that yeah, I got cancer, I am fighting back and I am a part of something so much bigger than just myself.  This is not something that goes away.  You have this experience and it becomes a part of your life forever.  There is no 'getting over it'.  That's not the way cancer works.  Perhaps a splinter works that way, but not cancer.

I told MaryLou that I am getting involved next year.  MaryLou suggested that I Co-Chair the event with her.  Can you imagine?  What a place of honor.  What an opportunity to give to this community all that I have to offer and for such an amazing cause.  Not for some self glory but for the help of humanity.  MaryLou, of course she's planning on doing it again.  She'll live forever that one.  I told her I would absolutely do the very best I can to organize, promote and fight this deadly disease from the Survivor front line holding my head up high and owning who I am.  I am fearless today.  I've been educated, I've been through it - but know this - if you've not walked in my shoes do not judge me.  Do not have any preconceived notions about what this feels like.  You have no idea, and even after going through it, I still had no idea.

Today is a different day.  Today I will rise to the occasion giving all of my energy toward that which is profitable and that which will yield a harvest of righteousness.  If I can put a smile on just one person's face, if I can help diminish the fear from just one person's heart, if I can raise just one dollar or one more persons awareness that we can find a cure then that's my purpose in life.

If you would like information on the Relay For Life, please visit www.relayforlife.org.  Give, educate yourself, get involved.  It's not just about you, it's about all of us and if one of us is sick, we're all sick.  There is life after life (my new favorite saying) and I will hold your hand.  I promise I will be there.

spirit is everything

I truly loved my last blog so much, it pains me to write this one. 

I'd rather be a positive Patty than a sick Sally any day of the week, but alas, today Sally is in the house.

As a direct result of radiation treatment for breast cancer I have developed a debilitating pneumonia.  Call it radiation pneumenitis, call it whatever you like, it's pretty bad.

Interesting to note that I was able to work through five weeks of a six week radiation treatment course before needing to take off only for the last week because my breast tissue was just too uncomfortable and I was exhausted.  However, this pneumonia that has developed only eight months later, has flattened me.  I've never been hit by a slower moving train.

Funny, the day before I woke up with a horrific, piercing pain in my left lung, I was in a very good place.  I felt as if I were getting my life back.  I was looking forward and trying to plan a little trip to Florida to surprise my niece, nephew and Mother whom I haven't seen in several years.   I was thinking about planning a birthday celebration.   I was thinking of a lot of positive things.  Life had other plans, however.

It's been a pretty hard blow.  I find myself wallowing in the whys and what's of what is truly going on in this body of mine.  I have had it for close to 50 years now and its cells have memory.  I'm wondering if it's just a simple side effect of the radiation or something more.

It's always something more, isn't it?

Just when I think I've worked through some hardship, past hurt, or painful memory, something or someone happens and BAM! 

I'm pretty sure I can put my finger on the exact trigger of this one.

This pain, this ill, this poison has been around me my whole life.  It's the exact opposite of the AGAPE love I wrote about in my last blog.  It's so human and flawed that it's potential to destroy is as strong as God's potential to heal.  It has the ability to pierce your heart, your skin, your mind, your lung - if you let it, if you see it coming, and especially if you're still holding a grudge.

Am I still holding a grudge and if so, against whom?

Well, truth be told, and the truth is not so easy to tell all the time, I have a very toxic relationship in my life that I have tried and tried and tried to mend, to no avail. 

As a matter of fact, my most recent attempt at mending this fence was met with a frantic building up of an ever bigger, more painful fence by the other person.  Namely, my father. 

We do not see eye to eye on anything.  We are the most two different people on the planet and how we can even be related at times seems erroneous.  I do not belong to him, I never did.  We do not agree to disagree, it's just his way or no way.  His memory fails him and his lack of empathy is palpable, but not just to me.

My father is 76 years old now and in failing health.  He's lived his life exactly the way he's wanted to, no excuses.  I imagine he will do exactly what he wants to with his remaining years, even telling me a few weeks ago as I was trying yet again to reach him, that 'he doesn't miss me' and that 'everyone in the family HATES' me.

At least he finally admitted what I had been feeling my whole life, not about how the family feels because he can only speak for himself.  This was about how he felt about me.

What he was referring to was my recent absences, or unwillingness to fly to Florida over the past few years for a few family gatherings.  Granted, working through a divorce and cancer, according to him, were not valid excuses, it's something I should have gotten over by now especially because he set the example on how to get over his divorce, I guess.  So, the icing on the cake was hate.

That's been a pretty hard thing to process along with a lot of older pains that I have tried to work through, discuss and even forget.  This one....not so much.

This one was not hard, it was ridiculously hateful, painful, deliberate, and it's causing me to rethink everything I've ever thought about our relationship.  I had always known I was not Daddy's little girl.  I have been telling people that for years hoping to hear that every one's Dads are like this, but those closest to me remember things that even I've forgotten and they say things like "well, he was never there for you", and "he's always only been about himself".  So, why couldn't I just accept things the way they were?  Why couldn't I just settle for less?

Don't get me wrong, we've had some really wonderful times together - as adults mostly, and I won't get into my childhood here and my parents divorce, suffice to say it carved out a hole in my heart that only he could've filled - if he were honest with himself for putting it there in the first place and if he were willing to fill it.  It just seems that given half a chance to make me whole, he runs in the other direction into denial, frustration, no patience and then just finger pointing and anger.  I have had some real hurts that needed some real validation.  That's a lot of hard work to do on both of our parts but it's just not going to work if only one person rolls up their sleeves.  I've never been afraid to look at who I am and what I have or haven't done.  I have no problem with saying "I'm sorry - mea culpa".  Not sure where I get that from, but it's definitely not my Dad. 

And you know what?  I forgive him, I still pine for him, I still love him.   I will not however, allow this toxicity to invade my life any longer.  I feel as if for the first time he spoke his truth.  He never wanted children I believe.  I believe if he did, he wanted sons.  I was his last chance for a son in his first marriage and I was a disappointment as a girl who was jokingly called "Mario" for along time partly because I was a tomboy and I'm guessing because I was the son he never had so the "I don't miss you" and "everyone hate you" that's a direct quote from his heart and those closest to him - about me.  His flesh and blood.  His baby girl.

That's my cross to bear.  That's the lesson in forgiveness that God himself has allowed to come directly to me.  But why?

Deborah King, Spiritual Author and Healer, whom I met in person, took one look at me and said "boy, he really hurt you, didn't he"?  At the time, I wondered if she was referring to the man who molested me when I was twelve right after my parents divorced or if she meant my Dad because she was running her hand over my abdomen, but it was very clear that one molestation for me did not create a lifetime of pain.  She meant my Dad.  When he left my Mother and my sister, he took my heart with him and he never brought it back.  Of course, there are so many details that I'm leaving out and purposely so.  I'm not trying to paint it black.  I'm just trying to let go once and for all of someone who never held onto me as closely as he should have.  I'm trying to let go of the false notion that all families are perfect, all parents are perfect.  I'm not capable of romanticizing the past.  It wasn't romantic for me.  I was suicidal for most of it. 

Deborah went on to say that I wasn't ready yet to be a healer.  At that time, I had no idea how much more I would have to go through to be ready.  I wonder if she thinks I'm ready yet?  I don't believe so.  It still hurts too badly.  I haven't evolved enough as a healer if I'm still allowing anyone to disappoint me with their words, their deeds, or lack thereof.  I feel shortchanged on one hand and so very blessed on the other.  I feel so completely broken and felt so completely determined to fix it that every single time I tried to fix things - it just got worse and worse and now I'm here.

So what have I learned?

To start with, it is so important to speak YOUR truth.  It will make some people crazy, especially if their perception is not exactly in line with yours, as I'm sure is the case with my Dad.  I'm not so vain as to even think anyone is reading this blog, let alone my parent, but if he did see it because someone shares it with him, it will probably create more disturbance but if you read my past blogs - and I've blogged for many years - this topic was never touched.  I stayed clear of it.  I didn't want to speak my truth especially when everyone close to me has moved on and expected me to do so also.  I don't really care anymore.  I cannot walk around with this bottled up in me creating dis-ease any longer.  I tried my best to make a really bad situation better but you know what? 

Sometimes it just is what it is and you either accept it, forgive and move on - or you live a life of unmet expectations, disappointments and hurts and you know what that gets you?  Cancer.  Pneumonia.  Ill.

Speaking your truth does not mean hurting the people around you.  It does not mean hurt others to make yourself feel better.  It just means tell your TRUE story.  I wish I could tell my story and leave others out of it, but it wouldn't be much of a story would it?  It would just be me blabbering.  No.  I have a story to tell.  I have a biography, a life, a journey that has a beginning and a middle, so far.  I am planning a wonderful ending, I can tell you that much, if God lets me live long enough.

I have only always wanted to help people since I was young girl.  I remember telling my Dad that and he sarcastically said "then go to Africa and feed the starving children".  Not a note of sincerity in that,  he mocked me and you know what?  It didn't change that part of who I am, not one bit. 

There are 17 million hungry children in this country right now, hungry for love, food, attention.  When I am well, I am going to be reaching out to the organizations that feed them and I'm getting involved.  I pray that God would satisfy these children and allow me to feed some.  I pray that God would heal the world and allow me to heal some.  I'm not interested in hurting anyone for any reason.  I want my story to be all about helping others, not about helping myself.  I want my strength to help others.  I want my life to be a testimony of helping others.

Mother Teresa I am not, but I sure do look up to her and aspire to be half as good as the heart God gave her.

When I speak my truth, I pray that I am 'not bitter but better' as LL Cool J says.  I pray that my heart is full of forgiveness and that any hurt from my past is brought into the light and changed into a learning lesson to help others.  No, I did not survive the Holocaust.  No, I was not abused by my Dad.  I believe he loved me as best he could, or chose to, but a survivor I am. 

Like a phoeix rising, I will over come, from this life into the next taking all my battle scars proudly with me.  I am triumphant because of who is in me and for no other reason.  I will show you how great I am because of how great He is.

Now maybe you know why I cling to God so much.  Simple right?

Got Fear?

I remember things that people tell me long after I hear them.  It sometimes takes time to digest everything that's said and in some cases, so much is said that it's almost impossible to remember everything.  But a couple of nights ago, I had a conversation with a young lady and frankly, I couldn't tell you exactly the topic at this moment, but the thing that stuck in my mind and is glaring at this moment is this statement she made: 

"Fear is a weakness".

I kind of stumbled on the sentence and maybe tilted my head to the side not certain how I felt about that.  It was such a final statement and I just couldn't jump to that conclusion.  I have wrestled with fear from time to time but fear is personal, therefore personally defined.  What you fear, I may not and vice versa.  Of course, there are the more everyday fears that we probably share, but life is a process of overcoming, so perhaps we overcome and really are quite different and unique. 

Well, of course we are.

And, of course we all have fears.  Most of them do not paralyze the more stable human.  Some humans are not so stable though, needing medication and, or medical staff to stabilize them.  That's certainly the extreme and that's probably more about a psychological problem then something to war against.

All of that being said, when I heard that statement a few days ago, it had a lesser impact on me then when I played it over in my head today.

Today is a pretty important day as it pertains to personal fear.  Today I went to Holy Name Hospital for routine Mammography and a follow up Sonogram for a cyst that was carefully documented last year as probably nothing.  I don't know about you, but if you've ever had your breasts examined, it's a pretty amazing and awful experience all at the same time.

Of course the pressure on the breasts and the awkwardness of having to be bare breasted to begin with is well, cold and painful.  The embarrassment or shame quickly diminishes when the pain and pressure kick in from two cold, plastic hmmmm how can I put it...take out your plastic vegetable drawers from the refrigerator and press your breast in between them - nooo, much harder and you must stand like a crooked fence, bending over, hand up, head up, butt out, chest down - no up, in a little, pressing harder, harder, hahhaa no harder - you don't realize how flat a breast can be until you apply just a little more pressure... and now - DON'T MOVE!  DON'T BREATHE!

TICK!  TICK!  TICK!  TICK!  TICK!

....psssshhhhhh and then release the plastic vegetable drawers from your breasts and you will know how that feels.  We're going to do that a few more times on the same breast, in a few more awkward positions and then we'll do the left.

After that, if the pictures are not clear, we will repeat the above until the images are clear enough.  In my case, it was THREE sets of pictures for each breast.  You do the math and by the way, no, I do not want vegetables for dinner.

Oh, and don't forget the sonogram.  Dark room, bare breasted, at least I got to recline and then squirrrrrrrrrt - hot k y jelly or a substance similar to that - they actually warm it to make you more comfortable 0_o and then the imaging with what looks like a four inch wide, one inch thick tool that's rolled over and over and over with occasional clicking noises, which clearly indicate - something is there.

Hopefully for you, nothing is ever there.  For me, the scare I had last year was put out of my mind like trash from a second ago.  Once the Dr. told me it was probably nothing and just come back in a short while and we'll look at it again, I really didn't even think of it.

I'm happy to say that the cyst is exactly the same as last mammogram and the Dr. has no concerns about it,  however. . .

What?

However. 

And then "Fear is weakness" popped into my head, but it was too late.

I became fearful and tried to stay in the moment and retain every single word the Dr. was saying to me, but it was like the conversation I had with my friend the other night, the words were coming out faster than I could absorb them.  Even as I type this to you now, the Dr. spoke to me only less than two hours ago.  I was compelled to write since I have to process this and this is really the only way I now how.  BTW, I do apologize for being so distant.

I have so much to share with you.

But, today, it's about fear.  My fear as it relates to illness, I guess.

Not to bore you with my medical history, but I have one.  I guess we all do.

I was born breach (keep your silly comments to yourself, I've heard them all) with one leg shorter than the other.  My Mother (whom I adore xoxo <3) was determined that I would not be handicapped and she exercised my little legs continuously stimulating them until viola! I was perfectly fine.  Those braces I had to wear helped although she tells me I was inconsolable for the first year of my life.  I cried until I took my first steps.  I don't remember any of that.

Then I had ear problems "going deaf" as my Mom put it, Dr.'s put tubes and tonsils taken out.  I had asthma with no real relief as a child, still do, but I take Symbicort every day and that has helped me tremendously, and then things were quiet.

It was quiet up until recently, and when I say recently, I mean in the past ten years or so.  Really, since I became a Reiki Master.  So much has come to the surface, this is just the physical we're speaking of now, the Spiritual and the mental have also had many changes and purifications, but the fear I'm speaking of pertains to the physical body and it's vulnerabilities.

I had finger surgery to remove a tumor of all things (which I'm trying to heal and prevent from coming back).  You can read my past blog (pictures too if your not too squeamish) about it.  The tip of my middle finger had to have reconstructive surgery and man, THAT was painful. 

I had a partial hysterectomy from fibroids that were bleeding like gravity was trying to bleed me dry.  That was horrific...the pain, the bleeding, the surgery, the recovery.  All things considered though, I would've done anything to stop the profuseness of the bleeding so cut me if you must, and they did.  There was much relief afterward.  I'm so very thankful to God for the medical industry.

Then I broke my right arm (of course I'm a righty).  Talk about pain and struggle. 

Thankfully this has all happened over the course of my 48 years.  To suffer it all at once, well that would be cruel.  But, I realize that I am well acquainted with suffering of the physical kind.

So now, back to Holy Name Hospital where the Dr. is telling me I've got some issues.  I won't really know until the end of April what issues I have and if they're issues at all.  I need to go for some biopsies on both breasts.

Dr. Joshua D. Gross, MD had the pleasure of reading my films.  He asked me to join him so that I could get a clear picture of what my breasts look like from the inside.  I had seen them on the sonogram while I was being examined, but this was the Captain's Chair! It looked like something out of a Star Trek episode.  There were breast images on three sides of Dr. Gross being displayed on a total of six flat screens, and they were huge. 

He's a warm looking, blue-eyed older gentlemen dutifully wearing his white Dr.'s jacket and ya mica and salt and pepper beard and mustache.  I remembered him from last time.  He smiled a lot for someone in his profession.  I was trying to read between the lines and his eyes while he was addressing me to see what my news was all about.

I've had mammography since I'm 40, so I know that where there is nothing on the film to discuss, they politely send you home.  This was an official meeting and the full impact of where I was sitting kind of struck me.

The compassion I felt for all the lovely women who have sat where I was sitting, receiving life changing news came over me in a flash.  One minute it was about them and the next about me.  He's looking at me.  He's talking to me.  He's looking and talking to me about what a large majority of human beings succumb to in this lifetime.  I know some beautiful people struggling and fighting as I type and as you read.  Please pray for anyone who is struggling with cancer. 

It was surreal.

I guess you can say the news is indeterminable in that more tests are needed to detect if any illness in my breasts.  He showed me what was concerning him.  He showed me white calcification's which looked literally like tiny white dots, very unassuming, and a darker mass (small) that the sound waves were not penetrating, or casting a shadow or both.  Hard to remember.  I just know I need further testing that won't happen for a few weeks and then two days of waiting for the results.

The tears started to flow without my permission.

Dr. Gross politely got me tissue saying that he would normally have them ready when giving someone bad news.  I guess that was very positive, since they were not in the readied position when he knew emphatically that he had a very sick woman to tend to. 

This was not that day for me, thank God, however.

However, I am fearful of the unknown and with so many people around me struggling, it's hard not to imagine the worst case scenario.  We've seen the movies, we've heard the stories, and in some cases, we've watched our love ones survive and then, not so much, so it is a real fear and a real concern.

A weakness?  Perhaps for someone other than me.  Fear for me in this case, is something that propels me forward.  Most fear paralyses but I'm more interested in what I can do, not what I can not.  If I cannot move I cannot help myself.  I need to be moving in the right direction and while fear may visit, it cannot live here.

I am acquainted with fear and sickness and I have respect for both since they teach us so very much about the human condition and resilience.  They also teach us about the brilliance of some humans (healers in particular) and the amazing, unconditional love, caring and tenderness of care takers.  Have you ever watched a nurse care for a sick person, or perhaps you had a nurse that you'll never forget?  These experiences come from very painful, scary circumstances, but have a purpose and deserve respect for such is life.

I have a plan for the next few weeks.  I'm going to take very good care of myself and get myself all built up in the Spirit and in the Physical and psyche myself out in the mental.  I've already declared my body a cancer free zone, I really do not feel like I have cancer in my body.  If I even get a splinter, all cells fire warning shots, so while I initially may be freaked out with fear, I know my body. 

Calmer minds prevail here.

Calmer Spirits.

Calmer Bodies.

I know that I God is closer to me in these situations than any other... and I will praise Him because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; His works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-15

So, today's message is about fear, a place I visit but leave shortly thereafter. 

I share this with you in case you are afraid. 

If I could, I would hold you and tell you that it's okay to be afraid, we would acknowledge the fear, look at it, and offer it up to God in faith based prayers that's intention is to set your soul free.

You can develop so many wonderful virtues from things like fear and illness.  I am hopeful that this will be the case for me.  I am hopeful that my fear and my illnesses in the past and their experiences can help someone, encourage someone, bring us closer together in our suffering, in our praise and worship of the glory of this lifetime.  It is glorious and wondrous and wonderful.  Even in our suffering.

Nevertheless, L'Chaim! which means literally, to life!

Let's live every blessed day of it one lovely second at a time.  It's all good.

Namaste and with much love,

Maria