Friday, February 29, 2008

Sleep Paralysis

I love sleep. I love dreaming even more. I've dreamt of flying, moving objects with my mind, and visiting with the deceased, specifically my beloved Grandmother Mary and her sister, my Aunt Jean. These are always very pleasant experiences that I long for at times.

Several years ago I had a strange experience while waking up one morning. I became acutely aware that I was awake...but my senses weren't yet. My spirit was awake inside my human shell but I couldn't hear...yet. Slowly the hearing sensation returned to me in a whooshing sound and then...normal.

Not so lucky this morning. I suffer occasionally from sleep paralysis. I had gotten up early this morning to the felines prompting for sustenance after which time I scampered back to bed because it was so cold here in New Jersey. After a short while I fell into a deep sleep. That's when it began. I was somewhere, stuck between sleep and coherence. I could not wake myself up. I tried in vain to stimulate my senses into consiousness. I was dreaming. My husband had left for the day so I know he wasn't there, but in my dream state I began reaching out to him in a panic..."Jimmy, Help Me, I can't wake up" and I tossed and turned struggling to wake up but in reality I hadn't moved a muscle. I was trying to scream, trying to wake up, and after a few attempts I believed I had woken up only to find out I was still sleeping, still stuck, paralyzed. I have a lump in my throat right now as I'm typing (not to mention on the verge of tears). Not because I am scared or sad, not exactly sure why.

This is not the first time this has happened to me. It happened several years ago during what I'd call one of the more stressful times of my life. Although I was convinced I was 'living the life' in reality I was lonely, confused and unstable in my life choices. That couldn't possibly be what's happening to me now could it? I think I am happy and at peace with myself ever continuing on my journey to find more of the spiritual side of myself and less of the human. Am I heading in the wrong direction?

I'm currently reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. The book is all about what I'd like to think I'm all about. Finding the real me inside this human existence. It makes a lot of sense to me like I've long since forgotten what I already knew. I am a spiritual being having a human experience.

I felt that most vividly this morning during sleep paralysis. I was convincing myself there for a moment that the electricity that I was feeling - this electric humming that I could hear very distinctly - was somehow disconnecting me from my human body - but not completely lest I should be somehow cut off from my human life support system. That's what I likened it to. I can tell you it's an awful feeling. The mind is aware that the physical body cannot move but the brain is still active. I was trying to scream. I dreamt I was moving, struggling and even fell to the floor in my panic - but no movement actually happened. I was lying there perfectly still trapped inside my body. WTF???

Maybe it's time to take a deeper look into what's happening with me. Am I stuck? Am I paralyzed? Or is this just some human sleep disorder that carries no real meaning?

When I finally woke up I had this awfully depressed feeling. I moved around to just feel the sensation of moving freely. I looked around the sun filled room and felt very little reassurance. Mohito heard me and jumped up onto the bed and began her lovefest with me...she looked so deeply into my eyes as if to say "I knew you were stuck, but I couldn't help you". "You look better now". She purred and rubbed her head against my cheek. It was all I could do not to squeeze the life out of her. I was so relieved to have that physical contact (I am weeping now). I got up and went to the window, opened it and took several deep breaths. I was breathing in the the light, the sound of the birds singing and the cold, fresh air. I was back in my physical body. Ok, business as usual, but I can't help asking myself over and over, what's wrong? So I did what comes so naturally to me. I got on my knees and prayed to the Most High God to help me understand. Please God, help me understand. Protect me. Surround me with your light. Blessed Mother and Holy Spirit comfort me. Bring to my mind what I'm trying so desperately to know. Help me. Help me to be fluid. Help me to be spirit. Help me to be less human. Help me to be stronger. Help me to gain control of myself, my journey and my vessel.

It was as though I was coming apart at the seams.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Seven Weird Things About Me...

Oh, I'm trying so hard to find seven weird things...I suppose I should call my friends who would gladly tell me many more. It'll probably be harder to find seven others to link to...but I'll give it a go.

1. I am the former GM of the New Jersey Titans, an all female, all tackle professional football team. I loved it and had absolutely no desire to play.

2. When I was about 8 years old, my dad (Frank Vincent) took me, my sister, and some of our friends to a recording studio in NYC to record a song with Joe Pesci entitled "Can You Fix The Way I Talk For Christmas". It was about a stuttering child who couldn't say Merry Christmas. They sent the song to the local radio stations and after a few short airings, the song was banned due to some mom's complaining about its politically incorrect message. Boy have times changed.

3. I will always put things back where I found them. I might be messy in my own house, but I'll never be messy in yours.

4. I had absolutely no fear tandem skydiving, I mean NONE! I absolutely and completely loved every single second of it. That's just weird.

5. I look forward to sleeping for the sheer adventure of dreaming. I've gotten many a message during the night hour. I've also learned how to fly (without a plane of course).

6. Animals are as attracted to me as I am to them. If I could, I would live on a farm with horses, donkeys, chickens, peacocks, you name it....but, and this is a big but, BUT, I do not want to clean up after them. They should learn to clean up after themselves.

7. I pray for strangers.

Here Are The Rules

1. Once you are tagged, link back to the person that tagged you.

2. Post THESE RULES on your blog.

3. Post 7 weird or random facts about yourself on your blog.

4. Tag 7 people and link to them.

5. Comment on their blog to let them know they have been tagged.

I have tagged 4:

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Einstein Intuitiveness

Written by me...2003
The great mystery can be obtained through egotistic secularism, why not? The wells run deep into purification and sanctification and run deep for that purpose.

Defensive religious demagoguery is still a gathering and a wellspring of opportunity. And yes, they stare at His Holy intrinsic value not quite knowing what to make of Him.

A harvest to be reaped some see. Others see the back breaking turning of the soil for weeks on end before and yet others see the back breaking pruning for weeks on end after.
And yet others know that when planting begins, He speaks esoteric words that fall like metamorphosis into His soil.

Now, gauging how things grow through egotistic secularism and knowing the impetus is in place, Nirvana may take some time in coming, but when it comes it comes like Zen in tangerine tambourines and mind blowing midnight tangos.

So begins those kaleidoscopic moons and with Einstein intuitiveness, seeds greet the sun filled mornings. Their days are spent taking rides on the river of universal wisdom, every once in a while even walking on the water.

Now, seeing clearly to step on the pedagogy and over turn the money changers tables in the temple, they make room for imitations and hold them in the light, so that the potter can bring out even their authentic purpose.

The true ineffable power and presence of life living love has made it this way. The available to all banquet is filled with the Queen’s homemade soul food which causes all to be nurtured.

The platters of spiritual dynamics, the bowls of community and tolerance and standard side dishes of honor and glory with many courses of love and devotion, cause to grow despite their obscurity.

And the radiance of forgiveness and the gifts of gratitude demystify and return their magnificence, increasing awareness and strengthening centers, clarifying purposes and transforming inner demons.

Psycho spiritual resources of mythology, dreams and storytelling days are over. The prophets have spoken and the word of compassion is the depth your soul knows.

But beware, what we resist persists. The dueling dualisms are real but reenchantment is at the spiral nebula and the impetus is in place.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Winds of Thor are Blowing Cold

So the groundhog was right and six more weeks of winter is what we'll be expecting here in New Jersey. But wait, my fig tree in the garage is blooming and right outside the garage door there is more than six inches of snow...what's happening?

Oh well, better keep warm and keep positive. Spring is right around the corner. Maybe then Mohito will venture past the front door. Maybe not.

My neighborhood digging out...

God Bless America

Okay, so yesterday's blog posting was a poem I wrote on 9/11 2004. It's a little dated but somehow still appropriate. I am so angry at this leader. I never was a George Bush fan. Yesterday was no different.

I started working on Wall Street when I was 17 years old, right out of high school. I travelled through the World Trade Center every single day of my life on my way to my office. I loved the city. I loved downtown Manhattan. I loved the WTC buildings and having lunch everyday in their shadows. Taking the elevator up to the observation tower took a really long time. There was a certain swooshing sound that the elevator would make because it was moving so efficiently fast. When the doors opened and you got a glimpse of the entire city of Manhattan (a 360 degree view), the Empire State Building, Battery Park, the Statue of Liberty, Staten Island, New Jersey, the Hudson was majestic to say the least.

Of course, we all know that America was attacked by terrorists and my beloved WTC buildings were brought down in less than a couple of hours. I can still remember the sound of my voice screaming as I watched it on the news from the safety of middle suburbia in New Jersey. Thousands of dedicated workers that morning were not so lucky. They perished along with the stability that was our nation.

When I saw those planes flying into my buildings I realized that I had seen it before. It was sickeningly familiar to see, I had had a nightmare that the WTC buildings were collapsing one night. I dreamt that I was cowering on a stairwell in the building. I was acutely aware of the fact that the building was going to come down. I ran and I ran down the stairs and outside and as I bolted away from the falling towers, the whole time I was looking over my shoulder at the impending doom. That was the most frightening nightmare I had ever had in my life. Until I had witnessed it first hand on ABC news.

Last night Hillary and Barack had their debate. Isn't it ironic that the first female presidential candidate should also have to contend with the first black male presidential candidate. This is a good thing. America is FINALLY open to considering two minorities for the presidential candidacy. I am a Hillary fan, although Baracks position is not that far off.

I distinctly remember when the Clinton's came to Wall Street campaigning for the American vote. Wall Street echoed with the sounds of Fleetwood Macs' 'Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow'. The streets were filled with cheers and laughter with the WTC buildings in the background. I knew he would win. His spirit was true. He cared about the people of America and the world at large. And yes, the Monica Lewinsky situation was inappropriate...but to impeach him? No way. That should've been saved for this administration.

Personally, I would love to see Hillary in the White House. She managed to keep her family together through the presidency and Bill's infidelity. That was his only crime. Sure, it was a whopper. But it was up to Hillary to forgive him, not the American people. I forgave him. I loved what he stood for as a leader. I love the fact that he is standing behind Hillary and perhaps a second go around for this leadership is what America needs to finally begin the healing process for real.

We did the Bush thing twice and twice we suffered. We are suffering. I am a proud American, but I have a very hard time swallowing the Bush Administrations debt that they'll leave behind, their war, their casualties, the hole that was once my beloved backyard. That's what I called it for years....the WTC was my backyard and then some. Now it's just a vacant hole filled with ghostly spirits of those trying to find their way home.
Don't stop thinking about tomorrow? Okay, but let us never forget yesterday.
God bless America.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

A Real Terror Threat

Written by: Maria L. Pomponio

We’re not safe they say
But we are safer - wait - I’m confused

Perhaps we’ve been infiltrated from the inside out
From top to bottom, from the White House to the Refineries

Like we knew we would be because everyone’s got their Judas
Starting with the King

Why shouldn’t the first kiss come from the first family
It makes too much sense

This hypocrisy that is ours

At least the first Judas hung himself
When he realized his blood soaked hands

But our troops are still dying

And this leader pleads for just a few more coins
To bury in the first bunker in case of a real terror threat

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Searching for Answers with All The Right Questions

What do you want to be? Where do you want to be? Who do you want to be?

Who do you want to be with? Do you want to be alone?

What inspires you? Are you happy? Are you healthy? Are you sick? Are you free? Are you in bondage?

Are you a helper? Are you a hinderance? Is your world a hostile environment? Are you hostile? Are you friendly?

Are you a healer? Do you want to be a healer? Have you ever healed anyone? Have you ever healed yourself? Has anyone ever healed you?

Do you hide in shadows? Do you embrace the light?
Do you believe in a higher power? Do you believe in higher vibrations?

Do you think change happens by osmosis? Are you in control? Are you out of control? Is someone else in control of you?

Do you have dreams? Are you fulfilling your dreams?

Are you afraid? Are you alone? Are you afraid of being alone? Are you strong? Are you weak? Are you able? Are you disabled?

Are you aware of time? Are you running out of time? Are you controlling time? Is time controlling you?

Do you ask yourself these questions, wait for the answers and then act on them? Do your thoughts control you? Do your thoughts define you?

Are you your thoughts? Are your thoughts right about you? Do your thoughts change? Do your thoughts change your mind?

Are you energy? Are you weakness? Who are you? Who do you want to be?
What are you waiting for?

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Let It Go

Photo taken by Maria in Bar Harbor, Maine
Let It Go ... By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk.

Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible says 'they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us'. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over .

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to.......LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .......LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ........LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...... LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction.....LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.......LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is t rying to take you to a new level in Him......LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship................LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.....LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed.........LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2008!!! LET IT GO! !!

Get Right or Get Left, think about it, and then ..LET IT GO!!!
"The Battle is the Lord's!" And the Church said, Amen.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Be Illuminating

Cadillac Mountain in Bar Harbor, Maine is probably one of my most favorite places on the planet. Jim and I woke before dawn last August, trecked up the mountain and sat in silence as the sun rose above the most eastern part of the United States. It was pretty chilly and thankfully, we brought a blanket to keep us warm. We were together in that moment which almost didn't happen.

The morning before we attempted to take the same treck and when the alarm clock went off at 4:30, I lept from the bed, smacked down the clock and said "not today"! Jim just smiled and back off to sleep we went. After all, we were on vacation and had no schedule to keep but our own.
What a waste in retrospect. Sleep, in the face of such beauty and mystery, is selfish and oh so human. But the that was spiritual. Mindblowing even.

It would've been such a pity if we had missed it.
We cannot wait to go back. I cannot wait to get up at 4:30 in the very cold morning, hike up the mountain (well, we actually drive up since it is a huge mountain), and sit and wait for the miracle that is a sunrise.
It represents everything we are or have the capacity to be. Every day it's light. Every day it's warm. Every day it's life giving. Every day it's there, even if we can't see it or feel it.
Lately, I've been under the weather emotionally, physically and spiritually as well. Life and it's darkness overtakes my very soul and I 'forget' to remember that every day is a new beginning, a new opportunity to grab a hold of myself, shake off the dust and be illuminating.
Today I am grateful for the light that shines so brightly defining every nook and cranny that is my life. My life, in all of it's glory is a gift, even if I am sick and tired.
Somedays it's okay to hit the snooze button and some days, it's just not.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Deeper Meaning

She’s always looking for deeper meaning
Like when she gets split ends
She runs to the church instead of to the drug store
Partly because her hair is dry
And partly because transmissions between she and God are sometimes frayed

She’ll tell you there are no coincidences
Like when the Rosary Beads keep coming in the mail
from the Franciscan Priests
She knows they couldn’t possibly all be for her

So she waits for God to tell her who they belong to
And He tells her, like only God can
With no randomness and with a very clear voice
And when the light turns green and she goes

She tries really hard to keep the connection
She moves forward trying new directions
Like the one she went in last night in her dreams
Which she tells you is a message from Him and not

The smores she ate before she went to bed
She’ll tell you her faith is like that sometimes
It's stronger in some places and weaker in others
But she somehow manages to hold it all together

Like the unseen Holy mortar in between the prayers at the Wailing Wall
She is in constant prayer
Trying fervently to increase her faith
She’ll tell you that faith comes by hearing

But she doesn’t realize that right now the music in her head
is playing way too loud
She can’t make out the words
So she relies on her intuition
Which always makes the signal come in clearer