Monday, August 31, 2009

The Sugar Bowl Lesson

I was unable to sleep, feed myself, brush my hair, cook...the list went on and on. Truth be told I still can't do most of those things since breaking my wrist in July, but thankfully now with physical therapy (I have a phenomenal hand therapist, more about Lynn later), I'm looking for and already starting to see improvements. Sleep is returning to normal. Left over pain meds are in the cabinet and I'm well on my way to some hard work. I'm quite determined to regain full use of my arm, wrist, and hand and am now realizing that this is going to take some time. Realistically, I'm looking at at least six months before my wrist is not what I think about first thing in the morning.

I learned that from all the surgeries, sicknesses, and pain I've had before. We tend to look for our weaknesses and even pain, first thing in the it still I still have it? Well, where thoughts go energy flows so its best to be careful. Make sure you are expectant of a good report in the morning occasionally (always). It'll do your body a world of good.

Why don't Doctors tell us that? I know that healing is pretty relative to 'what you think' as opposed to what their experience has been, but that doesn't mean everyone else does. They don't know what you think, what your intentions are, if your depressed or not, if you are a helper or a hindrance to your healing. They don't know and frankly, they do not care. They will gladly give you medicine to assist you but discuss your thinking as part of the healing process? That discussion is off the table for now, but not for long if I have anything to say about it. I need people to realize that they dictate the terms of their healing as well as mental and spiritual well being. You determine the health and wellness of your body, your mind and your spirit.

Which brings me to The Sugar Bowl Lesson, a perfect lesson in human frailty, acceptance, and perseverance. It was only three days after my accident and I was left alone for the day with a two ton cast on my arm, a deflated ego, and a weak and hungry body. I decided a hot cup of tea would do the trick. I slowly made my way into the kitchen and with my left hand grabbed the tea kettle and filled it up with water and placed it on the stove. After successfully turning the gas on, I stopped to rest. Sure, I hadn't done much, but it was exhausting and painful.

As I waited for the water to boil I replayed the accident over in my head deliberately. It had replayed in my mind for a few days without my permission and it was just starting to be less painful to visualize, I mean I would wince with pain every time the image of me flying off the skateboard appeared in my brain as a random thought. I started to think about all of my limitations, followed by the shame and embarrassment I felt for stepping so unconsciously on that thing, then I focused on the pain and swelling I was experiencing, and then pity. As I sat there feeling sorry for myself, thankfully the water began boiling and the tea pot whistled as if it had had enough. It snapped me back into the moment and I got up and poured the boiling water into my tea cup. Whew! Unscathed! Ahhhh.

After pouring the milk I went in for the pretty, glass sugar bowl. Lefty mind you...not very smooth. All at once, I'm not sure how, the sugar bowl hit the kitchen floor with such precision that every grain of sugar and every broken piece of glass were now shattered and thrown all around my bare feet.

My thinking process went something like......'I can't believe this is happening!! I can't move. I can't reach the broom. I can't clean this up! I can't! I can't! I can't'! And for a few minutes I didn't. I looked at the mess I made and thought 'oh great, another could I'? and then I cried like a baby. I cried. Then I prayed for strength. I prayed and I thought 'all's I need now is to get cut'. Really. THAT would've sucked big time. But getting cut was not on the horizon. It never happened.

What did happen is that I realized how f*cking strong I am. I started to calm myself down and wiped the tears from my face. I looked around in disbelief again and took a deep accepting breath. I made my way over to the broom by bending down and picking up the glass-sugar-bowl shards along the way with my left hand. Now, sweeping with one hand is not easy. Using a dustpan with one hand is not easy. But, I am here to tell you, it may not be easy, but it is possible! Somehow, by the Grace of God I was able to clean up the mess!

Seriously! I've been through some stuff and I may have my moments, but I will not be beaten. I will not be over run, I will not be defeated -- especially by myself. I cleaned up that mess, with a cast on one arm and in a lot of pain. I imagined that if I could overcome that moment, I could overcome anything. It was such a helpless feeling before the tea kettle boiled, but God would say not so much. Although the sugar bowl was destroyed, I am not. Sure the sugar bowl represents a vessel...and so do I....and even if I was broken lying on the floor, I am still so very capable and useful...and useable. Judge not lest ye be judged.

God refines us by turning up the heat a little bit to show us truly, what were made of.

What are you made of?

Friday, August 28, 2009

Today is Day 41

Ahhh, my blog...what i am to be....I've been ignoring you for another, please forgive me. I am back, albeit typing with one hand yet again.

Back to the way I was? No. I will never be back to the way I was before I broke my wrist. Everything has changed. I have changed. My arm is in a constant state of change and healing and swelling and inflammation and stiffness. My arm is also 100% healed. I've just not reached that day yet. This will be a long row to hoe. But I'm looking forward to it. I started physical therapy this week as the cast came off on Monday, 37 days after putting it on. It came off without incident and although my orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Ira Esformis, said "When I take the cast off you will have pain and you will beg me to put the cast back on", that was not the case.

Immediately after breaking my wrist, I applied three things; Reiki, my conscious-healing intention, and ice. I almost passed out before leaving for the hospital but managed to control my breathing by putting my head in between my legs. I went into shock a little bit but not as much as when the possibility of surgery came up. The on-call orthopedic surgeon declared to me after looking at my x-rays "we will set your arm, follow up with an orthopedic surgeon this week, you'll probably have to have surgery." This would also not be the case.

I have had enough surgery to last me a lifetime. I absolutely did not want to have pins and plates put into my wrist if I could help it. But at this point, what could I do?

I called my father. Whenever something major happens to me and I need serious help, I call my Dad. This was serious enough and apparently he thought so too and called a good Dr. friend who left his Saturday nite dinner plate to come set my arm in the nick of time!

A man appeared in the doorway smiling at me. He said "I'm Dr. Esformis". I was instantly relieved. The hospital staff kept stopping by and peeking in to see who got the Doctor in on a Saturday nite, and to see who was getting this favored treatment. Well, humbly, it was me and I was ever so thankful. Within two hours, my arm was set and I was back home safe and sound. BTW, Hackensack University is probably one of the finest medical institutions in the Garden State if not the country.

I thanked him repeatedly for leaving his dinner to tend to my bones and accidental absent-mindedness. Having to say that "...I stepped on a skateboard" was all too irresponsible for someone who claims to be living consciously. I was embarrased but Dr. Ira just laughed and said "Don't be ridiculous! It happens".

It does happen, mostly when we're not paying attention.

I explained to Dr. Ira that I am a Reiki Master Practitioner and I had been applying Reiki and also speaking against surgery in my heart and mind. Well, besides loving Reiki and wanting to come for one of my sessions, Dr. Ira and I agreed that my arm would be set and I would not need surgery. He agreed with my thinking...right there in the emergency room...he got what I was saying. I said "Until you tell me otherwise, I am speaking health over my wrist, and no complications. I will not need surgery. You'll see"!

What I didn't know is that most fractures are followed up in this country with surgery, and in some cases, unnecessary surgery due to the shameful financially driven medical industry. I was speaking against that ferocious, insatiable lion from the moment I walked in there.

After Novocaine was injected into my wrist and started to take effect, Dr. Ira began to set my arm. He wrapped gauze around my fingers and hung my arm counter balanced over an IV pole. Then he applied some weight to my bicep. Not much, just enough to give my wrist bones a little wiggle room. Then, he used his hands, applied some pressure and POP! It went back into place. It felt right, it sounded right and I was truly convinced, no surgery for me.

Back to x-ray, lo and behold, Dr. Ira, with a huge grin on his face exclaimed "so far, so good"! No surgery then and two weeks later after a follow up visit and another surgery. Although the bone collapsed slightly in the very beginning of the healing process, it stabilized and is healing very nicely, as bones can heal.

Did I have pain while in the cast? Absolutely! Luckily, Reiki energy goes right through casts and I applied it constantly and liberally. The pain became quite manageable and now, my arm is mostly sore as I gingerly begin my rehab.

Two weeks prior to the cast coming off, and immediately after Dr. Ira said I would have pain, I started to convince myself I would NOT have pain when the cast came off...and I didn't. At all. I'm sure that his comment was based on years of experience, but I am not your average human. I aspire to be better and to pay closer attention to the language we use when thinking about ourselves and our circumstances. I could've easily given into that line of - check, pain - check, not getting full range of motion back - check. But hell no.

Why, if given a choice would I settle for negative, wreaking havoc kind of thinking when I alone have the power to continue to heal myself?

I am whole. I am healed. I am fully restored.

...oh, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that.
Who can stop me?

Friday, August 14, 2009

Learning Lessons, Approving Symbols

I decided to let people sign my cast but not just sign their name, put a symbol on it. Why? Why not? I wanted everyone to think of something significant, I mean I'm the one who has to see it for weeks so the more meaningful, the better.

My stepmother put the sun.
My brother Tony put a phoenix like the one tattooed on his back. It wasn't exactly like the one on his back, but it was approved.

My Dad put a star. The same star he's been drawing for most of my life. He got a little carried away with his star, but that's to be expected. When one star draws a picture of another there's bound to be some stardust lost in translation, nonetheless, his symbol was also approved.

Then we started laughing and he wrote Ha Ha! on my cast! NOT approved lol~! Pretty funny stuff.

I've learned an awful lot about myself during this broken wrist/healing wrist process. I hate to ask for help, or needing help in the first place. I'm a righty and as you can see I broke my right wrist so....can you count the lessons? So, so you can't do your hair you can see in the pics! So curly...who knew? But seriously, the lessons are bountiful.

hugging really takes two arms

typing can happen with only one

skateboards are evil lol

it pays to know medical professionals personally

pain medication when taken properly does alleviate pain

pain medication when taken improperly can cause pain

children see none of the limitations we embrace about ourselves

doctors can be very empathetic

sleep, with a broken bone, can be elusive

a hot bath and a cast do not mix, it raises your blood pressure

as does the sun and that causes your arm to swell inside the cast - that causes pain

cats feel your pain

cats distract you from your pain and even alleviate some of it

I can peel an orange with one hand

and do self Reiki

I'd much rather use two

meditation helps to cope with pain by realizing not all pain is bad

if I stay still long enough, I forget about the cast

I see myself as whole.

I've really learned to be grateful for all that I've been blessed with, struggles and all.

I'm sorry I broke my wrist, but I'm grateful for the lessons and the love.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Thank You Almighty God

Picture taken by me...8/1/09...driving home from Bar Harbor, ME

Today is my birthday, my wrist is in a cast and I am so very grateful.