Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Inner Pearl

Here I sit trying to decide just how much of my inner pearl I want to share with you. Life, it seems, has thrown me another curve ball to deal with, this one having to do with more emotion than one person should have to handle.

Interesting since working with energy has so much to do with emotion. As soon as I became involved with Reiki, unresolved emotions from my past, fears and concerns about my future and the present unsettled moment kept coming into focus. The time to clean house had come whether I welcomed it or not. This was a good thing, though at the time, quite gut wrenching.

I dealt with all of it, so I thought.

The lessons I should've learned from some past similar experiences have come around full circle. Truly, what goes around comes around. Even if you try your hardest, sometimes somethings are coming for you and they're going to hit you squarely so take them when they come so as to avoid repeat fire.

I've taken this one squarely.

I'm still standing and I'm emotionally wounded, but I'm beginning to heal and move forward. It may look like I'm standing still, but if you look closely you will see that progress is being made.

What is the elephant in the room you ask? Well, I really don't want to get into specifics, but I will say that trust is something that I value, that and truth now more than ever.

I feel that I am a very trustworthy person. I have been known to say that I am a safe bet. Why? Because I know the value of the truth. It's priceless. When no one else will speak the truth - when the whole world has convinced itself that to lie is better than honesty - I will be there saying 'hell no'. I can't help it. I'm not even known to sugar coat. Personally, I think I've gotten better at it - telling the truth that is.

Perhaps when I was younger I needed to express 'my' truth - even at the expense of other people's feelings. I've since learned to be more sensitive than that. I was young and learning. Now, I'm seasoned and have had enough of life's experiences to know that the truth can set you free and really hurt - so be gentle with it - but, speak it at all costs.

Which brings me to trust.

One of my favorite things to tell my cat Cricket, a.k.a. Crispy Whispy, is that she is 'safe, loved and protected'. I tell her that because she clearly has anxiety at times from some kitten hood trauma she had experienced before I rescued her. I've had to convince her for the past ten years that she's safe. She's loved. She's protected. She's starting to trust me I think after all these years, but she still has a lot of anxiety. I've had to build a relationship of trust with her. I work really hard at it. My heart breaks for her since it's such a deep rooted emotion for her not to trust.

I can so relate to that. I've had my share of disappointments as it pertains to my relationships. I had to learn to trust again. Which I did. Until now. Again.

Now, I'm going inside where there's stillness, and quiet and clarity and remembering what Jesus said about humanity and that He knew what was in 'us'. I think He was speaking of the fact that sometimes people will let you down and take your trust and make you regret giving it away. Let's be clear. It is a risk - trusting. Where I come from anyway.

It is a risk but one that I am willing to take. I believe in myself and in the core values that make me who I am. I believe in faith, in trust, in truth, in love.

My eyes, however, are wide open. I've seen enough in my humble life to know that not everyone has your best interest at heart. Sometimes, you have to figure things out for yourself. Protect yourself. Make sure that you are loved, safe and protected, by yourself! I trust me. I am a sure and safe bet. I will not let me down.

That is a good place to start. Again.