Saturday, January 31, 2009

Be Mindful of What You're Thinking & Doing

Dr. Mehmet Oz is a world renowned health and heart guru. He, along with 70% of all medical Doctors agree that stress can manifest itself as illness in the body and the opposite of that is also true. Meditation and deep breathing exercises can prolong your life. Which would you prefer?

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Godsmack, Serenity

I've never blogged twice in one day - but this song is also where I'm at...can you tell that I'm forever searching and forever being found?

What are you doing?

Taking Chances, Celine Dion

Again, where I'm at....where are you?

Monday, January 26, 2009

I Say Yes

I came across this video and thought I'd post it here on my blog since it's exactly where I'm at.

Where are you?

Lorraine Cohen presents I Say Yes at Powerfull Living

"I say yes to receiving all the miracles that have my name on them!"

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Peel Back Some Layers

This post should be a little lighter than my last. I feel lighter anyway. The drugs are slowly leaving my body and being replaced with, well, nothing.

That's a great feeling. I'm not taking anything except an inhaler twice a day to keep my asthma in check. Truthfully, I'm thinking I don't even need that anymore. Perhaps my pulminologist will agree when I see him again next month.

As for the rest of me - and there certainly is a lot more than meets the eye....I'm better.

I posted that I didn't pray the other day except for the praying along with the inauguration. That wasn't entirely true. I did pray later in the day. I prayed and I meditated. I did yesterday as well and I'm planning on it again today.

Prayer for me is a constant for the most part. Unless I get in my own way. It really changes everything. I've known that for forever but it seems that when I need it the most sometimes, I can't bring myself to do it. Eventually I do - but sometimes there's a bit of resistance.

It's only when I push through that feeling that the rewards are waiting for me.

Meditation is also that way....and while prayer is more about asking and seeking, meditation is all about listening. You have to listen for the answers and I'm never disappointed. God speaks to my heart through all sorts of things and meditation is definitely one of them.

Reiki is also something I've not given enough credence to lately here in my postings. I do Reiki everyday on everything. It's a mindset and from what I've been taught - the stirrings that come from within are definitely as a result of Reiki as well as prayer and meditation. All of these things combined have a cause and effect.

Now, you may or may not believe that...that's okay. I can only speak for myself. But suffice to say I am not the same person I was before I took my first Reiki certification. And, I am equally different since taking my second.

I am preparing myself for my third which I'm planning as soon as perhaps next week and I'll pursue my final certification "Reiki Master Teacher" soon after that. The last one takes several months. I'd imagine that by the time I finish the last one, I will officially be able to walk on water lol!

Seriously, it changes everything. For those that have no concept or limited beliefs, just go and get a Reiki treatment and see for yourself....or pray and meditate for that matter. Cause and effect.

The ripples in the lake are there if you just push your finger past the surface. Sure you can stay on the waters edge and never, ever get wet - or you can jump in feet first and just as John the Baptist baptised Jesus, you too can get bathed in that light.

Light, as it turns out, lives in Reiki, prayer and meditation. You can see it. You can feel it. It is more than your flesh and blood. It is more than your mind. It is all about your spirit.

Unfortunately some human beings lose sight of this because of our mortal bodies. Our bodies are loud and cumbersome. They take up a lot of space and time. They complain, they groan, they gloat, they shamelessly think they are important and yes, some bodies are....but most are not. Our bodies are vehicles for our spirits. To pay more attention to the body and forgo the spirit - well, that's just ego and can be very scary.

I'm always talking about spirit which is always the opposite. Christianity for one, teaches to suppress the bodies constant whining about needing this or that. Discipline is the answer to that. Saying no is also the answer. When my spirit is too weak to pray - I know I've crossed over into the human realm and that's when I need to start pedaling back. Back to spirit. It's always at that point that I am reassured and my clay pot is filled to overflowing. But, the opposite of that is also true - if I resist I will empty out my vessel as quick as the blink of an eye. Sure there is a surplus, but it's our daily bread that feeds us...not the loaf in the freezer.

I guess that's why there are days. Days symbolically represent our lives so fully. Every day is a new beginning. There is a sunrise and sunset and all glorious moments in between. Choices live in these days. Choices to seek out the spirit, to suppress the bodies groaning and to give Glory to the One who has placed you here ever so gently.

Life is hard. Illness is awful. But, we have a plethora of resources to help us through. Let us never forget that. You are not alone in your suffering or your joy for that matter....they go hand in hand. I'm learning that all things - the blessings and the struggles - work together for the good of those that love Him. He is the creator of your life. Loving Him has it's merits, benefits and rewards, make no mistake.

As for me and my house, we will worship the Lord, today and every day.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Life, In General

I think I'm finally calming down.

I've been on prednisone for a couple of weeks now for my asthmatic attack and it has taken it's toll. Prednisone is a corticosteroid hormone (glucocorticoid) and while my breathing has returned to normal, my attitude is something entirely different. I feel anxious and angry and upset at mostly everything.

My beautiful sister sent me a card to brighten my day and it made me cry.

The smallest of efforts it seems are being rewarded with the biggest of obstacles. Today was tough and it's only 2:19 pm. Just now I ran to the bank - the drive through - because God forbid I should have to get out of the car.

As soon as I turned into the bank I see this old timer sitting, waiting to pick the 'right' lane which were both occupied. I was infuriated. Just go behind one of the cars and be done with it is what I was thinking. What I wanted to do was lean on my horn so hard that his hat flipped off his head. Move! Go! Get out of my way! But no, he waited and leisurely picked his lane.

I swiftly chose the other lane and waited. Apparently, the old timer knew something I didn't. The lane I chose had a loser that couldn't find anything that he needed to put into the tube for deposit.

I just shook my head thinking - okay. I failed that test too.

I didn't pray today. I didn't meditate. I did watch the inauguration and was delighted that the Lord's Prayer was recited - I guess I did pray since I prayed along. But that seemed to be the only bright spot on the horizon so far.

I haven't slept the whole night through since this new year began including last night.

It's 27 degrees here in NJ and it snowed again last night. Although the sun is shining - I can barely feel the heat.

So what's happening? Why is this so hard? Am I being too hard on myself and everyone around me? My husband thinks so I'm sure of it. But he doesn't understand.

I'm all of 130 pounds, 5'5'' taking steroids and thank God xanax for anxiety, but that has to stop.

I'm breathing better now, and I've taken my last steroid as of yesterday. Could it be that the drugs which were decreased slowly are having an adverse affect on me - or am I just miserable?

I'm not sure.

I do know I don't like myself much these days. I think I'm depressed. I think I'm fighting depression I should say. I fight just about everything except being in my mother's arms.

I finally got to see my Mom the other day. All I could bring myself to do was tuck myself into her and feel her holding me - for as long as she'd allow me to. I didn't want to get up from her.

I wanted to stay there forever. Her voice was so comforting. The vibration in her voice was comforting on a cellular level. It made me whole. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

I am not a child - but the child in me still needs her mother. I will always need my mother and apparently, xanax for a little a longer.

Don't feel sorry for me. That's not what this is about. This is about getting healthy and letting go of bad habits, making changes for a healthier lifestyle and getting out of my own way so that I can actually help somebody, somewhere. As cousin Lisa says - that has to be good for something - my intention I mean.

I really do want to help others but how can I if I'm emotionally unstable, depressed, sick, dependent or co-dependent for that matter?

I'm not sure about all of this rambling. I really didn't have anything else to blog about - I'm not feeling like much of an inspiration lately and would you believe my Reiki business cards came in the mail today?

I stepped out in faith and ordered them when I had a blissful moment a few days ago. I ordered them online and thought they'd take at least three weeks to get here. To my surprise they came today and I feel so unworthy of them.

But, I'm not supposed to rely solely on my feelings am I? I am a child of the Most High God - where is my faith? Where is my strength? Why all the confusion?

Why all the resistance? Am I changing too much too fast? Am I not changing enough fast enough? Have I gone back and done all the work to move forward into the future? Am I in denial?

Damn pharmaceuticals - they help, but they definitely hinder. Where would I be without them right now? Probably dead. But what of my spirit?

I know this too shall pass - I just hope I'm not making a complete mess of it all.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Atheists' Rights Supercedes All

While several wars are being fought simultaenously all over this world in the name of peace or religion or both, today a major, modern miracle happened.

U.S. Airways Airbus Flight No. 1549 enroute from LaGuardia Airport in N.Y. to Charlotte/N.C. landed safely in the middle of the frigid, current filled Hudson River. All 153 passengers and crew basically walked away unharmed. The geese that seem to have caused it, were obviously not so lucky.

Also today, Newton/N.J.'s town council ended their tradition of starting their meetings by reciting the Lord's prayer because Doug Radigan, a self proclaimed avowed athiest, told the council it was offensive to him. He requested a secular replacement.

The town council had no other choice since the U.S. Supreme Court ruled the religious prayers recited at government functions are in violation of the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution:

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances".

I say all of that to ask you think anyone on that plane recited the Lord's prayer as it was plunging down into the river?
Do you think if they did, that God may have been listening?

I wonder what Radigan would've said if he was on that same plane.

He'll never know - not today anyway.

Miracles happen.

God lives, loves and guess what else?

While there is still breath in my lungs, blood in my fingertips, war in the world and freedom of speech in America I will pray/post/promote prayer, the Lord's prayer, and my Most High God in general - because I STILL can unlike a lot of people on this planet who cannot.

I am a warrior make no mistake - just try me.

God be praised . . .

"Our Father, who art in heaven, holy be thy name. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil".

For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.

And 'the church' said "Amen".

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Written by me - 10.5.07

I can see your profile
The mask you're wearing

It partially hides nonetheless
Your heartless and blank staring

Why are you pretending
It doesn't hurt that much

The sting is obvious
Anger the crutch

Telling yourself you're not in pain
Everyone thinks you're close to insane

You're killing yourself now
In everything you do

It's not you against them
It's you against you

Your portrayal deceives you
No one believes you

Stop pretending you don't know
Stop pretending you don't care
Stop pretending you're in control
Stop pretending you're not frail

Baby boy is broken
Into tiny little pieces, you

Are not too old to be told the time has come
Put down your head and rest some

We'll pick them up one by one
We'll move on from what's been done

The pieces are not too many to mend and to hold
C'mon young man, you're not too old

You're just in time for the mirrors reflection
All the hurt, all the rejection

When a kiss and a hug
Was all the situation needed

But your knee jerk reaction
A shoulder shrug pleading

Away from the inevitable
Seaming of the soul

It seems the years
Have taken their toll

The walls are higher than you ever intended
impenetrable as planned, anger-hate blended

Love can't get through
It's more than most can stand

Safe and secure
In the cocoon you've spun

With less than silken threads
You're not getting it done

Dissolving before our eyes
The barricade is breaking

Into tiny little pieces
Too many to hold

Hands growing cold
As cold as your heart

Pleading with it's rhythm
Stop, stop, start, start

Which will it be today
How long can you stay

In your skin
in the fray

Of yesterday's memory
It's stealing today

And you're persecuting the world

You say no
You've got a long way to go

Everyone else hasn't got a clue
But it’s still you against you

Inside your suffering soul
There's limitless strength
Beneath the jaded anger

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


In an effort to determine whether or not illness can manifest itself in our bodies due to past trauma, I came across this article and thought I'd post it. It is interesting to me since I have had to deal with some trauma in my life as well as illness - who hasn't - but are they related?

My pulminologist as of today said yes. But, I already knew that. In his office, I read from a heart health magazine that stated that men that are pessimistic are more likely to have heart disease than, let's say optimistic men. Makes perfect sense to me.

The list goes on an on. Perhaps more people need to pay closer attention to what is happening in their lives and not be so quick to self diagnose illness or except the 'treatment' of Doctors with just plain old medicine....- especially life threatening, debilitating diseases that perhaps can be prevented or reversed all together just by exploring past trauma.

You are what you think. You can be what has happened to you. Your body can rebel against and rage against all of that if you leave poison inside of your self.

I am pursuing my Reiki Mastership in the next coming months and I need to be more aware of these things if I am ever going to help anyone. "Charity begins at home" - so they say. I say, take care of yourself. No one else loves you the way you love you. No one else will lay down their life for you - I don't care what they say. When they see that bullet coming - they'll generally push you into it - instead of take it head on for you.

So, beef up - stand up - speak up and get out the toxins that could be coming to torment you down the road.

Read on...

Feminism and Psychiatric Diagnosis

Written by: Arlene Istar Lev

As a feminist therapist, I found the last issue of The Women's Building News on mental illness as a feminist issue to be well-written and timely. I thought Janet Chassman's article was an excellent overview of many of the issues, and the coverage of both cultural diversity and legal issues to be important areas to examine. Despite the cover title, "The Last Closet", may I dare to suggest that there are still many many closets left to open in our feminists communities, and though issues of psychiatric disabilities is one of them, it is certainly not the "last."

Focusing on the treatment of women within the psychiatric system is an important issue, however, I must admit to being somewhat surprised by the lack of critique of the psychiatric system in general. The absence of any discussion regarding the use of language and labeling as a feminist mental health issue -- including such terms as "mental illness" and "psychiatric disorder" -- was glaring in its absence. The psychiatric profession is permeated by Eurocentric, patriarchal, racist, sexist, and homophobic thinking that has done enormous damage to the mental health of women, children and people of color.

The psychiatric profession has developed a manual to label mental illnesses. This document, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, called the DSM, is in its fourth revision, and is extremely controversial in a number of ways. In my role as a Social Work educator, I teach Master's level students how to utilize the DSM; as a feminist and holistic practitioner I also teach them to be very wary of labeling. The DSM is the primary tool used by the managed care system to determine insurance reimbursement, and eligibility for disability determinations; it is often utilized in legal settings and educational institutions. To paraphrase Audre Lorde's eloquent statement, "Can we tear down the master's house using the master's tools?"

Diagnosis is a political tool. It has been used to medicate angry and powerless women and to take away our children. It has been used to hospitalize political activists and other radicals. In the not very distant past women were routinely diagnosed with Hysteria, and treated with clitorectomies! In the latter part of the 1800's African slaves were diagnosed with drapetomania, which was believed to be a blood disorder, and according to the diagnostic texts, was "cured by whipping"!!! Benjamin Rush, the "father of modern psychiatry" believed that the reasons Africans had dark skin was because they had a form of leprosy which he called Negritude, and to the embarrassment of his biographers, worked diligently his whole life towards a "cure." Other medical textbooks list the size of men's heads to prove that people of African descent had smaller brains, and that people with larger noses (Semitic people) had certain communicable diseases. Homosexuality was considered a psychopathology until approximately 20 years ago, which meant that ALL gays, lesbians, and bisexuals were diagnosed with this "psychiatric illness."

If the above examples sound absurd, or irrelevant, remember that the removal of these diagnoses is only within the last 100-150 years, and as I will outline below, many current diagnoses are equally offensive. The popularity, utilization, and frequency of particular diagnoses changes with the seasons. Whether "illnesses" are viewed as biological, psychological, behavioral, or moral shifts back and forth throughout history. Behaviors that are considered "normal" in one country are considered "psychopathologies" in another. Diagnoses that are considered rare in one part of the country, are considered "rampant" in others.

For example, in the late 1880's upper class white women in England and the U.S. were diagnosed with Conversion Disorder whereas they would suddenly lose the ability to see or walk, without any known physical reason. Women also displayed symptoms of Hysteria -- manifested by fainting, yelling, and depressive "fits." It is interesting to note these illnesses, and behavior manifestations, are today extremely rare, and was considered rare then among poor women, women of color and women from other countries. Today women are commonly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Multiple Personality Disorder (now Dissassociative Disorder).

It is clear to most therapists today, -- due to the powerful lobbying of feminist therapists over the last two decades --, that most of the above disorders are the results of trauma, most commonly physical and sexual abuse. Can the same illness manifest in different ways at different times? Do women who are traumatized by abuse, exhibit different symptomologies across class and racial lines? Can it be that human beings manifest certain symptoms in ways that are politically and socially acceptable within certain historical times? Certainly it cannot be true that only wealthy white women in Victorian England were being traumatized, but the symptom and behaviors of other women were not perceived as important, or perhaps poor women and women of color were not "treated" for medical problems, but punished by the penal system.

The DSM does not identify mental illnesses by their etiology (i.e. their causes) but rather by their effects. This means that if three women are sexually abused one might be labeled with depression ,one might be labeled with anxiety, and one might be labeled with bulimia, -- if those are the principal manifesting symptoms. The unhealthy ways a woman copes with the trauma becomes the avenue for diagnosis, instead of labeling the way she was victimized, or recognizing the healthy ways she has adapted in order to survive.

Changes in the DSM are not immune from political pressure. Some changes are beneficial, others more problematic. For instance some positive changes in the past 50 years include the shift from viewing Alcoholism as a moral problem to a medical one, the removal of Homosexuality from the DSM, and the utilization of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in treating victims and survivors of incest, domestic violence, and sexual assault.

Current trends that are more questionable include the labeling of children with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Gender Identity Disorder. The numbers of children labeled with ADD continues to rise yearly, -- young males, and particularly young African-American males are most often labeled. Are more children having attention problems now than they were 20 years ago, or has something else changed about our society, our school system, or perhaps how we view the normal energy of young males? Is it possible that something about the energy of young Black boys is so frightening to our society that we need to medicate it?

In the last issue it was stated that "1 in 5 children/adolescents may have a diagnosable mental disorder." Statistics like these frighten me, and I am left wondering who was the researcher who studied this social malady. Could it perhaps be the pharmaceutical companies, or perhaps, the administrators of psychiatric hospitals? As managed care has become more and more resistant to paying for services for adults, the concerns for young children have suddenly risen. Many managed care programs are willing to pay large sums of money to support the "care" of disturbed young people, and many psychiatric hospitals have suddenly re-focused their entire treatment programs on the care of young people. We cannot ignore the role that profit plays in the diagnosing and treatment of vulnerable populations.

One of the common "new" diagnoses that young people are given is Gender Identity Disorder. This diagnosis is for children whose behavior and manner deviate from the accepted socially sanctioned appropriate gender behavior of boys and girls. Since Homosexuality was removed from the DSM in 1973, this has become the new diagnosis for young gays and lesbians. It has been used to treat gender transgressive young people who are gay, transgendered and/or just plain rebellious with shock therapy, medications, and hospitalizations in some cases lasting for 5 and 6 years. Can you tell me that this is not feminist backlash? The psychiatric profession is an institutionalized arm of a sexist, heterosexist, and transphobic patriarchal system. Diagnosis, I repeat, is political.

In the last issue of Women's Building News, the word Depression was frequently used as a psychiatric label. I am aware that this is technically correct (i.e. Depression is listed in the DSM) and I am also aware that severe or chronic Depressions can be debilitating and disabling. However, most people do experience some depressive episodes in their lifetimes, and I would argue that, like colds and intestinal flues, they are a part of the ebb and flow of health and illness within a "normal" human lifecycle. Depressions require familial and perhaps therapeutic support -- and maybe even pharmacological support --, but calling it a psychiatric illness??? "Depressions" can also be times of transformational change in people's lives -- spiritually referred to as "dark nights of the soul", -- times of reflection and self-examination.

I want to be clear that I am not in anyway denying the pain that human beings experience or the horrible realities of addictions, depressions, behavioral disorders in children, or dissociation in trauma survivors. I have dedicated my life to working with people who are struggling with these realities. I am saying that it is not entirely clear to me what words like "mental illness", "mental health", "psychiatric disorder" -- or even words like "treatment" -- mean. I am saying that diagnoses have been used historically to hurt and repress women and children, homosexuals and bisexuals, people of color, people who are genderly "different", and that I am very very leery to use the language of that system without clearly asking what it means and to whom.

Feminism has taken the psychiatric profession to task in the last few decades questioning the overuse of psycho-pharmacological intervention, and questioning diagnoses like Co-dependency, Pre-Menstrual Syndrome, Battered Women's Syndrome, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I was surprised that in a feminist publication there was so little questioning of the institutional sexism of the psychiatric system, and only a focus on how the system can better serve women who are already victimized by it.

I believe that as feminists who care about the mental health of women, children, and those we love, we must look at the patriarchal system of labeling illness with some skepticism. We must, of course, dismantle the stigma attached to "mentally ill" people, and work toward humane treatment and adequate resources. However, we must also examine the mental health system as a tool of the patriarchy, and cease labeling human differences as psychopathologies. We must stop hiding behind psychiatric diagnoses and examine the realities of trauma, oppression and abuse on the lives of women and children.

Arlene Istar Lev CSW-R, CASAC is a psychotherapist and family therapist, and is the Clinical Director of Choices Counseling Associates as well as an adjunctive faculty member at S.U.N.Y. She is an activist, a writer, a gardener and a mom.

Monday, January 12, 2009

So, Peter Gabriel

you could have a steam train
if you'd just lay down your tracks
you could have an aeroplane flying
if you bring your blue sky back

all you do is call me
I'll be anything you need

you could have a big dipper
going up and down all around the bends
you could have a bumper car bumping
this amusement never ends

I want to be your sledgehammer
why don't call my name
oh let me be your sledgehammer
this will be my testimony

show me round your fruitcage
and I will be your honey bee
open up your fruitcage
where the fruit is as sweet as can be

I want to be your sledgehammer
why don't you call my name
you'd better call the sledgehammer
put your mind at rest
I'm going to be - the sledgehammer
this can be my testimony
I'm your sledgehammer
let there be no doubt about it

sledge sledge sledgehammer

I've kicked the habit
shed my skin
this is the new stuff
I go dancing in, we go dancing in
oh won't you show for me
and I will show for you
show for me, I will show for you
yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I do mean you
only you
you've been coming through
going to build that power,
build, build up that power, hey
I've been feeding the rhythm
I've been feeding the rhythm
going to feel that power build in you
c'mon, c'mon help me do
c'mon, c'mon help me do
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you
I've been feeding the rhythm
I've been feeding the rhythm
It's what were doing, doing
all day and all night
c'mon help me do
c'mon help me do

: )

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Pray The Rosary

Today, in an effort to find comfort and peace, I was compelled to pray the Rosary which I just completed.

I have been saying for days now that my asthmatic attack was brought on by past pains and hurts that could have been eased if only I had an 'advocate'.

While speaking with my mother earlier today, who is recovering from her surgery at home now, I mentioned this to her. I told her that I am her advocate and that she has always been my advocate when no one else was. However, I went through a really tough time as a young girl and kept my pain locked up inside. I told no one - so no one could have helped me. No one, except perhaps the Blessed Mother.

While praying the Rosary just now, I meditated on The Glorious Mysteries; The Resurrection of our Lord, The Ascension of our Lord, The Descent of the Holy Spirit, The Assumption of the Blessed Mother and finally the Coronation of our Most Holy Mother.

I could feel the clouds lifting and colors coming back into my heart. The colors went from black to all the colors of the rainbow.

Then, in conclusion I prayed The Hail, Holy Queen prayer. It states:

"Hail, Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy! our life, our sweetness, and our hope! To thee we do cry, poor banished children of Eve, to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley, of tears. Turn, then, most gracious ADVOCATE, thine eyes of mercy toward us; and after this our exile show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus; O clement, O loving, O sweet Virgin Mary.

V. Pray for us, O Holy Mother of God.

R. That we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.

I had forgotten, God forgive me, that She is also my advocate. When I read the prayer just now and the words lept off the page at me - it was miraculous in Spirit. It was healing in nature. It was light in a dark place.

How could I have forgotten?

There is a lot going on. There are a lot of belief systems that would tell you that prayer is moot; praying the Rosary, praying to Angels, praying to Saints, praying to God. Why?

I believe it is to keep us pressed under in our suffering. True deliverance is a Holy thing. True religion and spirituality are Holy. Why wouldn't there be a force of nature against that?

There is indeed. And we are to be prayerful and watchful so that when the time comes, we are able to withstand the poison that comes our way - and it does come our way - every single day.

How will we withstand the many arrows that pierce our hearts if not with prayer, dedication and self sacrifice?

I really know of no other way. But, I'm human and I forget sometimes. I am so thankful to the Holy Spirit who compels me and reminds me and comforts me through the eyes and heart of the Most Holy Mother.

Therefore, Pray the Rosary. Honor God. Honor the Blessed Mother. Honor the Holy Spirit and the life force that is your breath. You only have one life to live. Make sure you live it under the protection of the Most Holy God. Otherwise when the time comes and there is no advocate standing in the balance with you - you will be alone. That would be a crime against your very soul.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Emotional Rescue?

What I am to be I'm not sure of. What I am right now is recovering from an acute asthmatic attack that has gripped my soul. I feel as if I'm not living my authentic life.

How could I possibly if such sickness is manifesting in my body?

Am I overreacting to disappointment? Am I just physically sick?

No. I don't believe that.

I know that I can trace back this attack.

I know when it started.

I know when it got so severe that it almost choked me to death. I know that I almost allowed that to happen.

My Dr. told me to go to the ER and I didn't listen. I suffered one more day and night and then I went. I received 8 bronchial treatments and was sent home only to have another attack.

I went on to see two more Dr's (one a pulminologist) and finally I'm getting relief today (steroids, antibiotics, xanax for anxiety). This saga began on New Year's Day.

Why? For what?

I know I was waiting for an emotional rescue that didn't come.

You know, we can only save ourselves from ourselves. Nothing else matters.

I pray that God will continue to give me strength to see through the dense fog and that I would be brave enough to choose to see clearly.

You know what I mean?

Today I have some breath in my lungs and for that I'm grateful. I have more medicine in me than I can ever remember having.

My heart is heavy for other reasons as well, namely my Mom having to have another heart procedure to replace her stent put in only 10 months ago. That was today. She's recovering alone in the hospital. I was unable to be by her side because of this illness. That's unacceptable to me. I've got to make some changes.

On a really positive note, Cousin Lisa has invited me to a few more Universities to give Reiki lectures. So there is light. There is hope. There is a future for me in the light. I am drawn to it and I am running like my feet are on fire.

This is a short life. I must live it, not only for myself but for all of you that support me. Keep me in your prayers as you are all in mine.

Blessings, Light & Namaste