Truth to the Soul of the Soul

Anger is to an erupting volcano as comfort is to a freshly made bed just waiting for the weight of your body after a long, hard day at work.  Anger is a storehouse of energy scattering out in all different directions at once.  It is unpredictable, unrelenting and unabashed.  There are almost no rules and pity reigns supreme for anyone who dares to defy it.  Even when our highest self, with clarity and foresight, speaks lightning fast wisdom, it too can get caught up in the fire storm being challenged by the heat.  Anger, very much like volcanic fire, is indiscriminate.  It is eager and quite content to go from this to that once sparks start to fly.   Beginning as a molten hot spark of discontent, its' greatness comes after time spent isolated and nurtured in careful contemplation, even meditation, ultimately to stoke and gain combustibility powers.  Ultimately anything that is in contrast to anger, everything and anything will be consumed.  It erupts, and long after the embers have cooled, it retains its' memory and is still very inflamed.

Most people say they have never meditated before but concentrating with focused precision on one thing repeatedly for an extended period of time is surely a form of meditation (and attachment), and since thoughts are energy, eventually thoughts will produce.  That thought will multiply.  Anger energy when allowed will expand and grow into other abilities and dark force powers.  It becomes a magnet to them.  Pride is one level up from anger believe it or not.   Desire and fear are lower and are never far behind.  Grief, apathy, guilt and shame are all closely related and lower vibrations still.  A cup of anger mixed with guilt and shame is a toxic elixir indeed.

But, why so much anger in our society, in our culture, in our world?  Why have we allowed ourselves to display this behavior, not only to others but to our own children and family?  Our own children reflect our behaviors back to us and we shake our heads trying to figure out why they behave that way.  We are all in such denial but thank God for families and closeness.  Contrast surely shows up in close quarters to help strengthen bonds.  When we focus on the lower energies, we may tend to judge one another and opt out of the relationship thinking less is more, but anger in one family translates to a lot of different types of manifestations, both passive and aggressive.   Avoidance is a tactic the ego uses to keep a lower energy in tact.  Look closely.  Perhaps this is your situation.  If so, surround yourself with light and know that the answers are right in front of you (in this blog :) and also within). 

Anger is a fire that today, our society stokes, media counts on, world government fuels, entertainment glorifies, correctional institutions ignore, and individuals justify.  This does not have to be.

On a national scale, there has been so much bombardment of the numbing agenda against the American people, we barely fight back anymore with authority, we just fight with each other.  When anger becomes a resource of power for influential avenues to manipulate, it becomes clear that the powers that be are counting on anger playing a major role in their contriving and self serving designs.  Anger keeps the politicians paid, ratings up, jails full, wars endless, weapons sold out, street and pharma drugs feeding soul crushing addictions, the hungry unfed, the homeless homeless, the poor poor, and the worst part is the rich richer.  

But, let’s not judge the anger community and it’s many partners.  That defeats the whole purpose of looking deeply into it.  There is light at the end of the anger tunnel.  You just have to keep digging beyond the illusion.

If anger were to enter into this discussion at this point it would no doubt be angry about everything we are looking into.  It would brood and fester and act out showing its contempt through various means potentially even physical violence.  The fear that anger demonstrates would become all to obvious.  If you could slow down and witness the anger energy objectively with compassion, you may see something you’ve never seen before.  If unable to slow down, the anger in you may resonate, rise up and match it.  You’ve seen it all before.  If you have any doubts just watch the old, antiquated ‘news’.  They seemingly keep unbiased track of who is on what side, how many wars have been fought, how many targets were hit, how much money was made, and who’s side you should be on.  They keep track of the anger tally always from the perspective of them, not us, and you just need to know who signs their checks to know why.  It is anything but unbiased, they know it, but do we?  And what of all this talk about anger and what if the angry person is you?

What is the foundation of our anger in the first place?  

Desire and disappointments that you've experienced are in the forefront of your mind and you hear yourself say to others, “You just don’t understand.”, 'You’ve never gone through it, so you don’t know."  You continue to allow the perfectly landscaped hedge of isolation to get stronger so your anger can fully mature into a reliable yet sometimes unpredictable and combustible firestorm.  Even when others suggest calmness or forgiveness as a quelling solution, the anger speaks up defiantly because forgiveness, while being a higher vibrating virtue, is perceived as weakness and since ego is in charge, it rarely chooses the path of least resistance.   It can not see past the illusion it has created for itself, “What could possibly be more important beyond me and how wronged I feel?”. 

As for calmness and forgiveness, the anger energy is just too big at this stage to tick down, but, and here's the beauty, it is absolutely doable, transmutable, healable, sealable.  It's true.  Just start with calm observation, breathing, slowing down, removing yourself when necessary to catch your power breath back.  If you are aware of your anger and you've begun to dismantle it, forgiveness will surely arrive as a fork in the road up ahead.  This is karmic, cosmic and circular as far as life lessons, choices and synchronicity's are concerned.  What goes around, comes back around so know you will get another chance, many chances in fact if you do not get it.  If you are truly unaware of your anger, don't worry.  Your highest self knows and will be bringing it up to your attention when you least expect it, like a solar flare, blistering hot.

Keep in mind, when anger energy hits a high note it has all of your irrational power.  It has the potential to take you out, to make you sick, to hurt others, to act in ways that are never in your best interest, and it is ugly.  If allowed to grow, you may find yourself on the other side of a nasty outburst that could have been prevented, should have been prevented, and will be prevented once you know how.

That’s where the heart and love comes in.  Yes, love.  

Sadly to some, love is cliche which just goes to show you the level of discontent that exists in some of us.  Ultimately, the hearts real job is to lovingly convince the mind that it’s okay to let go of the old stories and replace them with new, higher vibrating ones.  Only love can do that.  Only love can soothe the soul and smooth the ruffled feathers of ego and pride.  Only love can forgive trespasses.  Only a heart full of love for self first can give this gift.  The love in your heart wants to grow just like anger does.  We are used to allowing anger to grow, and we are used to displays of anger in all forms.  But, when it comes to love, unconditional love, we resist because we just don't know how, or why, we should love ourselves, give unconditionally, or accept love from others.  

How did this happen and are we teaching this to our children?

For me, my inner child ran the show for many, many years.  She was hurt and disappointed and immature.  She only knew a few ways to express herself and acting out was definitely one of them.  She, (I), shut down my heart years ago and allowed all the lower vibrating energies to take over, including anger.  I was proficient at all of them and truth be told, that knowing does not diminish with enlightenment, but it enabled me to transmute the anger into an energy that is sustainable, manageable and useable.  I chose to allow the anger to leave, and I chose to invite peace to take its place, and boy is it a journey of choice, calmness and forgiveness.  

When I realized how much pain I was in, how angry I was, and how disappointment was crippling me, I decided to stop in my tracks and take human, mental, emotional and spiritual stock of my states of being.  I realized that I am the creator of my life and I needed to see the complete design in my doing and creating, inventory was crucial.  I decided that I was worth the trek and the investment in uncoiling my inner child’s heart.  That led to the connection to my soul and highest self.  

Left to her own devices, my inner child was hell bent on making sure everyone knew the ‘in chains and bound’ stories that were collecting.  The accumulation of wrongs were unconsciously indexed, categorized, and all available in the library of remembrance.  Reality, after all, must be faced!  That's what most people think but that's just not the way it is.  Reality is created.  It's what you make of it.  Had I stayed in that state of despair, surely I would not be writing this blog or dreaming dreams of writing books and helping the masses.  I'd be keeping an altogether different log.

Luckily, my higher self had a better story.  My ever patient, ever teaching highest self, lovingly shined light on the inflection in my own voice, so much so that when I would hear my own stories, they just weren't as satisfying as they used to be.  I could hear my own bitterness.  I started to see the pain.  I asked to be healed and immediately the healing process began. 

Healing happens in layers as much as all at once.  The all at once part is typically a thought or feeling that usually starts a shimmering cascade of upward glimpses that lead to ultimate bliss and joy of the soul, but it is indeed a stepping stone journey that begins with complete and utter self awareness.  Truth, to the soul of the soul.  You must be honest and if you have trouble with that, sit alone in meditation.  Being alone and meditating raises your consciousness to a higher level which illuminates that which no longer serves you.  Meditation shines on all those things that stand in the way of true inner peace, be it people, places, behaviors, patterns, beliefs, associations, objects, addictions, etc.  Once you see your obstacles, you can start to create a plan of navigation using everything you experience, keeping the good and truly learning from it, applying what you've learned, and recycling and sharing your wisdom.  Nothing is cast out as useless, as refuse.  All is used for the good of all.   

That being said, be aware that whoever you yoke up with in this state may just be the same reflection of your original condition and not the step up that you were hoping for.    When it hurts too much to grow, we take ourselves out of the growing fields and place ourselves in the mourning fields with likeminded others where growth is much, much slower and can even be seen as stifled.   This growth typically produces dis-ease and illness in the body just as stagnant waters are unhealthy to drink, this state of being is unhealthy to true productivity.   But when hurt is planted in the truth fields, much fruit is harvested, much growth is had, and much change for the better is promised.  The future holds many flowering fields for healing hearts to flourish in truth.

So, bring your story into the light and tell your truth one last time.  Allow the light to cascade in and all around you, your hurt, your disappointment, your fragile heart.  Forgive again, yourself, others, people, places, things.  Forgive, ceremoniously, that which holds you back.  I assure you, if you are brave enough to look, you will see things that you can begin to forgive and release and then, you will see more, and as you gain strength, you will gain momentum.  You will say, "Anger and greed, NO MORE!"  

And, as you allow the new condition of your mind to take hold, it will compassionately and lovingly alert you to lower vibrations that challenge your peace.  Do not take the bait.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.  This is where you slow down and say, "No thank you, I appreciate the offer, but been there, done that.  I protect my peace now.  I am the peace now."

When we raise our spiritual and emotional currencies, and the peace in our minds matches the peace in our hearts, we will know strongly that this is just too valuable to waste on disappointment or anger.  It feels so much better and just feels so right to go with the flow.  We learn to let go of resistance and invite love and compassion in for ourselves and others, no matter what the situation.  We know that there are lessons here for all to rise up.  There is always so much more going on than meets the eye and at this stage, anger energy will be transmuted and utilized in the way that it was meant to be.  Energy to teach peace, love and tolerance.  Energy to be used to raise everyone up to a higher level of consciousness and community.  Energy to help those that cannot help themselves.  Energy to help the weak and the lost especially ourselves.  Energy to show the way to true justice and peace through the love, compassion and understanding of true human kindness.  It's time.

Keep searching.  Keep creating and reaching for the golden rays of peace, beauty and love, and don't be so hard on yourself.  We are all here to rise up together and learn together, what is important.  Peace, Love, Unity, Tolerance, Oneness, Kindness, Joy, Compassion, and Understanding....These are just some of the sustainable energies of the future.  These are just some.  Love yourself first.

Namaste, ~*~

Bringing Relationships to Light

Relationships can be tricky.  Navigating the right words and emotions sometimes is a bit of a pain in the ass.  Get it wrong and someones going to be 'mad' at you.  Get it right and the rewards are love, devotion, respect and happiness.

I find myself saying 'I work hard' at relationships a lot.  I often think long and hard about what people say to me, as well as what I say to them, but oftentimes I have felt misunderstood.

Interesting that I never really feel misunderstood in business.  Business, especially really good business, has it's parameters and business people learn to navigate within them.  It's pretty simple really and I really love it.  I get a tremendous amount of respect from my customers because I give them a tremendous amount of respect.  I give them exactly what they call me for and the 'relationships' are happy ones.  Of course occasionally a customer will call with a complaint and I leap to the challenge to win them back over.  I have a very successful turnover rate thus far and as I type these words, I am looking forward to the opportunity to do it all over again tomorrow.

However, there is an emptiness associated with this 'misunderstood' feeling and I am learning to disassociate and disconnect from the expectations that come with feelings.  It's not that important that I feel misunderstood.  What's important is that I lead with love always and patch up and spackle any cracks or feelings that would steal that love.  Forgiveness for feeling offended and love for the broken heart.  I've had a broken heart most of my life because of one relationship or another.  The time has come to change the outcome, the expectation, and the feelings.

As I look back over my relationships, I realize that I had a deep need for love (as most of us do) but perhaps mine was a little more intense due to my earliest definitions of love and devotion.  My experience coming from a broken family left my expectations in turmoil.  I navigated relationships poorly constantly coming from a place of deep need.  I lived that way for most of life perhaps up until most recently.  These past few years have brought many bad habits to light for me and my inner most being rises to the surface as being the most important relationship that I have ever needed to learn to navigate.  Getting to know oneself is the most important relationship because once you truly know yourself, you can give to others in a way that is selfless, needless but filled with love, respect, devotion and happiness.  That's all I've ever wanted in my relationships ultimately but having that want can lead to disappointment.  I now realize that loving yourself, nurturing yourself, understanding why you do what you do, letting go of past hurts, forgiving others, all of these things lead to a better you and a better you in a relationship.

A clean slate, an open heart and boundaries are something I rarely started with in the past but it's how I wake up every morning now.  I embrace the newness of day and opportunity and although yesterday may have been a bear for one reason or another, the new day presents a chance to breathe differently, pray more effectively, release more expectations and dream cleaner visions for myself and others.  When you come from a place of hurt or brokenness, your expectations are cloudy, never fulfilled and disappointment is the order of the day.  When you release all of that and embrace openness you realize that even if the other person never even notices you, you do not have to buckle under unmet expectations, you notice yourself.  You love and nurture yourself and more importantly, you set boundaries.  You adjust the flow of qi in your life in a sense.  If you focus on energy that is negative or of a really low vibration - like anger, or sadness, that energy will be more prevalent.  The opposite of that is also true and so much more beneficial.

Every toxic word or deed that has ever been said or done to you that has hurt you deeply, you can release.  You can create a space where pain used to reside.  You can change that energy to something healing instead of something draining and capable of creating sickness.  Every toxic word that you have ever said or deed you have ever done, you can forgive yourself for and if you need to, apologize for.  Humility is salve to a multitude of wounds.  Forgiveness is the bandage and love is the result all within the boundaries that you set in your relationships. 

Why boundaries? 

Because everyone is on a different part of the journey.  Not everyone understands that expectations lead to disappointments.  Not everyone understands that love is the higher law.  Not everyone will embrace your thoughts and emotions as good, as accurate or in some dire relationships, necessary.  Those are the ones you need to really set boundaries with.  Love your neighbor, your family, your friends, but don't yoke up to them if they have a habit of invading your space in a way that is toxic.  Plain and simple.  Change the way you respond and you will get a different result.

Of course, most of this wouldn't even be an issue if people were more honest with themselves and if they were more interested in the pursuit of mind, body, spirit-evolution.  Some people are more on a journey than others.  Unfortunately, we all have people around us that are not even aware that transcendence is a reality and something to be searched for.  For some, they've carved out a hollow that allows only a very small amount of light to illuminate.  These relationships rarely evolve, perhaps too much auto-pilot role playing.  Honesty and humility however, can bring all of these bad habits to light and relationships can evolve because people can evolve.

I am living proof that you can change and you can overcome just about anything.  Love yourself first and the energy that flows from you will be illuminating.

Do Your Best and Keep Moving

Interesting how patience becomes something that you have an abundance of after you've personally gone through enough turmoil, trauma, recovery and reflection.  I am a patient woman, I always have been and through the refining process that is life I know that my patience has increased along with clarity.

It seems to me that we can become impatient when we limit our focus to the microcosm of what is going on around us and when our expectations overwhelm us limiting our tolerance of natural evolution, inevitable change, human unpredictability and even fate.

There are so many variables to life, so much chaos - controlled or otherwise, yet we like things organized and in nice, neat piles.  We get upset when outcomes vary or worse, fail to meet what's expected.  This causes an awful lot of unnecessary stress and turmoil and when you spend enough time in the company of people that react this way to change, or when you consciously live and experience enough of it yourself, you realize that there has to be a simple way to increase patience and clarity which would lead to a better life.

Of course, learning our lessons the first time around is preferred, but most of us don't get it on the first try.  Probably because there is usually some disconnect between our behavior and the way we see our behavior, if we're even looking or paying attention.  There is a certain amount of living consciously that one needs to do first in order to even recognize a lack of patience and clarity.  If you get that far, the ability to recognize you can change, or increase your patience immediately if you wanted to by living more consciously and being more responsible for your intolerance, wouldn't be far behind but it takes some effort.  It takes just a little introspection.  It's not mysterious at all, no mumbo-jumbo, no hockus-pockus.

Conscious living, paying attention, or living in the present moment is not a concept but a way of re-conditioning your conditioned mind.  Most of the way we do things these days tends to be on autopilot.  People are not giving much thought to what they're doing, how they're doing it or how they're affecting the world around them.  They're just going about their lives they way they always have, complaining and hoping things will change.  The good news is that clarity teaches us change is always good, always available and inevitable, so why not make the change you know will make a positive difference in your life? 

Unfortunately, change can be scary and no one really likes discomfort, let alone fear.  It's sometimes easier to hang onto the old way of doing things because at least you know what the results will be, good and bad.  You have to admit though, it's a way of sleep-walking through your life.  If there is even a small part of you that recognizes that change needs to happen and you're resisting - that's a good sign.  You're at least observing.  The doing will come later with more observation, but if you're not yet aware, you've not yet begun. 

And there's the disconnect;  we'd sometimes rather hang onto that which we know doesn't work because at least we can tolerate that tried and true, proven outcome albeit sub par.  We don't have the patience or the clarity to make the necessary changes toward an outcome that yes, may be unpredictable, but may prove to be excellent in its' return far exceeding the lowest expectation which you settled for anyway. 

How did that rut become a way of life?

How can we not reflect on our own lives hourly and see that we are not responsible for outcome, our connection to outcome and our need to control the outcome?  Let me repeat, we are not.

We are responsible for doing our absolute best. 

Doing. 

Do your best and do not worry about outcome...keep moving.  If you are doing your best, the outcome will be glorious no matter what - even if on the surface it looks unsettled.  Time has a way of bringing good works to light long after the plow has been lifted.  Don't forget, this is about patience and clarity afterall.

Conscious living, reflective and introspective living and learning to release outcome into the ether, are ways in which you will increase your patience and clarity.  Becoming more aware of who you are, how you behave, how you treat others and what unrealistic expectations you may burden yoursel,f or others with, can only better your microcosm of life, as well as the macrocosm that is the world.  When you close your heart and you close your arms across your chest and say to the world, "it's my way or the highway", you will reap what you sow.

On the other hand, if you leave your heart open and limit your expression of disappointment when the outcome isn't exactly what you had hoped for, perhaps you're making room for other magical happenings that your mind couldn't even conceive of.  The world is a magical place and when we convince ourselves that we have it all figured out we limit the influx of light, information, holiness, and glory where patience and clarity come from. 

Once you realize that you have no idea who and what you are, hopefully humility will lead you to prayer and inner reflection. 

For me it has always been prayer and meditation, meditation and prayer.  I can't deny it nor would I want to.  Stillness, prayer, recognizing that I am a ball of energy, spirit and love, I can begin again each day hoping to be a better me and touch someones life, but never devastated if that doesn't happen.   I am not attached to outcome anymore.  I can honestly say that my life has taught me that each breath is a gift, a miraculous, holy gift.  I am not promised a single one, yet I keep breathing (smiling).

And so, it is with much gratitude I say, through many tests and trials, my patience has increased as has my clarity - not only to help my own seeing and navigating, but I pray to God that my lessons learned would impart some wisdom and knowledge to the blog readers of the world, and the seekers of the Giver of divine grace, virtues, and all things inbetween.  I seek no other source.

Live To Learn

"I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well."  Diane Ackerman

Life has so much to offer, not just in it's longevity of days which at times feels like it could last forever, but in it's subtle width that if we're not careful, we'll overlook.  We sometimes tend to carve out an existence and get into a groove that can be repetitive and dull.  We may stay the course even more since we've carved out that path but why?  Maybe because it seems easier to stay the course rather than to try and make a new way.

That reminds me of driving down an old country road.  Sometimes, there are grooves in the road that can actually interfere with your ability to drive in a straight line.  You pop out of the groove and then you sink back into it over and over until you just give up and stay the course until a better patch of roadway pops up and when it does, you're relieved especially when you realize how hard it actually was to stay inside the groove.  Turns out it's much easier to come out, stay out and charter a new course rather than stay inside the groove of that which you clearly do not fit into any longer.

But how do you know when something 'doesn't fit' any longer?  I guess it depends what 'it' is.  For me, whenever I was on a road that was either coming to an end or starting to get into a sticky groove, 'it' had something to do with my mind, my body or my spirit.  I realize that covers everything, as it should, but God in Her mercy always would present me with one challenge at a time, albeit a tough one.  I would come to recognize the area that I needed to change and would draw from my past experiences to devise a plan of attack or action or whatever the situation called for. 

For instance, I quit a terrible, cigarette-smoking-addiction cold-turkey over seven years ago and never looked back!  Yeah, that's a big one and I'm quite proud of it.  When I realized that that part of my life needed to fall by the way-side, I made a conscious, deliberate decision to stop smoking.  I prayed about it, received the grace to change my habits immediately and made a plan to succeed and then, I stepped right out of the groove of addiction onto a new path of freedom and I paved my new way.  I stayed the new course and have had a lot of success with it.  When looking back, I realize that it all worked together for the good.  All of the thinking and decision making and habit changes all worked together to help me gain the success that I had envisioned long before I decided to quit.  I had a goal in mind and I pursued it with all that I had, and I was and still am successful in this regard.  It parlays itself into other areas of my life and helps me to be successful when I set the course in my mind first and then act accordingly and build on my past successes.

But, that's a pretty simple example, I suppose, when it comes to major life changes or challenges in life.  I've had many more difficult ones but the simple principle of the above example really does play itself out in a way that is very useful.  Deliberate action brings deliberate results when planned and executed, right?  At least one can only hope. 

Life sometimes gets a chuckle out of the way we over-simplify it.  We think we've got it all figured out and then the 'rug' gets pulled out from underneath the deep groove we've made for ourselves.  We think we've 'seen it all' and then we get an eyefull of something we've never, ever seen before and that makes us go - uh oh.

I have tremendous respect for the true mysteriousness of life and for life force energy.  Just look around you at all that lives, breathes and grows.  It truly is amazing, magical and precious that we are all part of this magnificent, life-force frequency-emitting-orchestra sending energy simultaneously to each other and beyond. 

We're doing all of this without ever even trying.  We're mostly unaware of the energy that we emit to one another and we are mostly unaware of how insync and connected we are to everyone and everything.  We have the ability to change our state of mind, our circumstances, our health, our relationships, our karma, our state of being, our world.

We can take a bad situation and turn it into something wonderful.  We can use our past experiences to learn from them and to teach others that perhaps there is a better way to live.

Once we embrace the notion that everything is temporary, and all life eventually transcends into something else, we can embark on a journey of respect and mindful elevation that brings the spirit into a love pattern that creates a groove on a much higher plane.  A groove that does not limit or restrict, but broadens and helps growth.  Love is the vehicle I believe, to enlightenment, to change, to health, to spiritual, mental and physical wellness.  You must love yourself first, then you can see fit to love others.  Jesus said in the Gospel of Matthew:

3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

You really have to love yourself in order to discipline yourself.  The Bible also says that 'the body is at war with the spirit', so it stands to reason that you would need to discipline yourself at times, to say no, to not give it whatsoever it desires and to keep your body somewhat pure to inhabit the grace of God.  Hmmmm.

The body is the temple of the Spirit of all creation.  In my humble life, I have come to learn that.  Sure, I've heard that said before but it was not until I reached a certain level in my spiritual life that I realized certain things about the body and the mind.

And what have I learned?  Quite a few lessons along the way, most of which I wouldn't trade for all the world.  What good is the world if you've not figured out a way to truly navigate through it. 

I thought that life was a little less fragile than it actually is.  I thought that life was a little more predictable than it really is.  You only need to be rushed to the hospital once or hear really unexpected news about a friend or a loved one to appreciate that.

The challenges that sometimes lay ahead are not for the faint of heart.  You need to be as prepared as you possibly can be and then hope, pray and work really hard for the best outcome.  You know the expression, put your best foot forward.  It may sound corny but believe me, warriors wear armour and train for a reason.  A battle can sometimes be just that...a war or a confrontation with something in your life that stands to take from you that which must not be taken or that which you must freely give...like your life.

Death, illness, destruction, war, hatred...these are real things in the world and we must be prepared to deal with them if and when we happen upon them. 

On the contrary, I want to be ready for sunshine and flowers and a salt-filled ocean breezes, but those things seem easier to prepare for. 

You can never really be prepared for some things in your life, but most things perhaps.

This Is Your Life

Are you who you want to be?

by Switchfoot

The Joy To Be

Evolve or die trying

Find your inner eye

Say yes to now so as not

to become your inner suffering

Your thoughts have no power over you

If you only knew

Its always been inside, the ability

To get through the density

And bring yourself back

Through transcendence

Suffer through

Consciously

Now

Allow and accept

The joy to be

Break free

You are not what you possess

You are not your physical body

You are not your thoughts

Awaken

You are your resistance

To change

To life

To self

To divinity, inner peace and grace

Written by: me

Life, In General

I think I'm finally calming down.

I've been on prednisone for a couple of weeks now for my asthmatic attack and it has taken it's toll. Prednisone is a corticosteroid hormone (glucocorticoid) and while my breathing has returned to normal, my attitude is something entirely different. I feel anxious and angry and upset at mostly everything.

My beautiful sister sent me a card to brighten my day and it made me cry.

The smallest of efforts it seems are being rewarded with the biggest of obstacles. Today was tough and it's only 2:19 pm. Just now I ran to the bank - the drive through - because God forbid I should have to get out of the car.

As soon as I turned into the bank I see this old timer sitting, waiting to pick the 'right' lane which were both occupied. I was infuriated. Just go behind one of the cars and be done with it is what I was thinking. What I wanted to do was lean on my horn so hard that his hat flipped off his head. Move! Go! Get out of my way! But no, he waited and leisurely picked his lane.

I swiftly chose the other lane and waited. Apparently, the old timer knew something I didn't. The lane I chose had a loser that couldn't find anything that he needed to put into the tube for deposit.

I just shook my head thinking - okay. I failed that test too.

I didn't pray today. I didn't meditate. I did watch the inauguration and was delighted that the Lord's Prayer was recited - I guess I did pray since I prayed along. But that seemed to be the only bright spot on the horizon so far.

I haven't slept the whole night through since this new year began including last night.

It's 27 degrees here in NJ and it snowed again last night. Although the sun is shining - I can barely feel the heat.

So what's happening? Why is this so hard? Am I being too hard on myself and everyone around me? My husband thinks so I'm sure of it. But he doesn't understand.

I'm all of 130 pounds, 5'5'' taking steroids and thank God xanax for anxiety, but that has to stop.

I'm breathing better now, and I've taken my last steroid as of yesterday. Could it be that the drugs which were decreased slowly are having an adverse affect on me - or am I just miserable?

I'm not sure.

I do know I don't like myself much these days. I think I'm depressed. I think I'm fighting depression I should say. I fight just about everything except being in my mother's arms.

I finally got to see my Mom the other day. All I could bring myself to do was tuck myself into her and feel her holding me - for as long as she'd allow me to. I didn't want to get up from her.

I wanted to stay there forever. Her voice was so comforting. The vibration in her voice was comforting on a cellular level. It made me whole. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

I am not a child - but the child in me still needs her mother. I will always need my mother and apparently, xanax for a little a longer.

Don't feel sorry for me. That's not what this is about. This is about getting healthy and letting go of bad habits, making changes for a healthier lifestyle and getting out of my own way so that I can actually help somebody, somewhere. As cousin Lisa says - that has to be good for something - my intention I mean.

I really do want to help others but how can I if I'm emotionally unstable, depressed, sick, dependent or co-dependent for that matter?

I'm not sure about all of this rambling. I really didn't have anything else to blog about - I'm not feeling like much of an inspiration lately and would you believe my Reiki business cards came in the mail today?

I stepped out in faith and ordered them when I had a blissful moment a few days ago. I ordered them online and thought they'd take at least three weeks to get here. To my surprise they came today and I feel so unworthy of them.

But, I'm not supposed to rely solely on my feelings am I? I am a child of the Most High God - where is my faith? Where is my strength? Why all the confusion?

Why all the resistance? Am I changing too much too fast? Am I not changing enough fast enough? Have I gone back and done all the work to move forward into the future? Am I in denial?

Damn pharmaceuticals - they help, but they definitely hinder. Where would I be without them right now? Probably dead. But what of my spirit?

I know this too shall pass - I just hope I'm not making a complete mess of it all.

To Change, Without a Doubt

Maria & Jim back then...

Maria & Jim today . . .

We are not who we used to be. The cycle of positive change has happened quite a bit over the span of our lives. Physical, emotional, spiritual, relational, professional changes have made us the energies we are today.

Did we actually see or feel change happening everyday? Mostly not so much.

Some days, yes. Some days change arrives on our doorstep unannounced, hungry, wearing a trench coat and a hat, carrying luggage in one hand and intention to stick around for six to eight weeks in the other.

We, however, were not expecting change. We were not prepared to entertain change. We had given absolutely no thought or consideration to the possibility of change arriving let alone staying. We were just getting used to believing in ourselves and our circumstances the way they were.

So, after the angst-filled adjustment period of giving consideration to change, acceptance makes it's first appearance in the form of fresh air and open mindedness. Change has been freed on the inside and now has its place and becomes a welcomed guest.

Being the best hosts we can be, we feed change a nice meal and give it a cozy place to rest for a while so we can get used to having it around. Change makes itself at home and starts to introduce itself to everyone, including the neighbors.

Everyone knows when change comes to town, it's all anyone can speak about.

Before we know it, six months have passed and we've become quite accustomed to change. It's as if change were there all the time.

So when the news arrived that change had done it's job and would be leaving, why was change so unexpected? Why were we, once again, not prepared to entertain the possibility of change?

Change is leaving? So soon? That's impossible! What do you mean, change just got here? That can't be true! We were just getting ready to do some big things together! We were just getting used to having change around! Where is change going? How will we get along without change? What will we do now?

Even the neighbors couldn't believe the news!

Change had spent six months affecting everyone and now change was heading out. What would become of those it left behind?

Those that have been paying attention silently prepare their minds and spirits for possibilities, fresh air and open mindedness, changes coming and going. They know that to change is to evolve.

Those that have not been paying attention, will suffer the angst-filled adjustment periods of giving consideration to change until they get it right by giving change a permanent place in their lives.

Change just packs its bags and heads out to find either its next poor, unsuspecting soul to mess with or someone who has prayed for and beckoned it to arrive.

But don't worry, change will return. Change always returns.

The Winds of Change

When change comes does it come unannounced, without a warning? Does it come with many subtle and not so subtle nuances? Does change happen or does it exist all the time fixed in its place in the universe waiting for us to recognize and utilize it?

Down to the molecular level things become magnified when you pay attention to them, so change could be the same way. When change is embraced, it could rise up and avail itself with limitless potential like a muscle you exercise that becomes stronger, more reliable and easier to use. Change becomes less mysterious and its’ capabilities become more believable.

Is change the closest relative to intention?

‘Think it, say it, do it’ is always in effect. We exercise this intention principle everyday. Why then are some days so different? We imagine and pine for a day when change would arrive on our doorstep. We dream of change. We lament and pray for change. But do we always exercise our ability to, well, just change? Is it something over there, outside ourselves living within our circumstances, or are we in control? Are we in denial? Is it both, simultaneously as works in progress?

I’m particularly fond of change for the betterment that surprises me. Someone going beyond the framework of what’s expected of them. Someone who was once so closed minded embracing new possibilities. A situation that at first seems so wrong, that turns out to be so right. Recognition in ones self to push beyond the self-imposed boundaries. Spiritual growth right before your very eyes within your very soul.

Today, I am embracing change, accepting change, and intending to make change happen. I am praying for the grace of God to be able to withstand those changes that I am not in control of and those that I do not see coming.