Thursday, July 31, 2008

To the sea . . .

Jim drove the Motor home to the Cape and back.
Really quite comfortable accommodations. Especially for me.
I tend to have to move around more than a car would allow.
I thank God for this huge blessing.
Finally, we got away for a much needed vacation. Jim and I have been through so much in the past year and a half . . . now it was time for some fun. We headed out to sea via Massachusetts. First stop, Sandwich, then Falmouth, then Hyannis, then Provincetown and then Martha's Vineyard.

We took our bicycles and that was a great thing. We cycled all over the place, maybe a little too much cycling since we did rent a car. I would've preferred to be chauffeured around a little bit more, but not this trip. This was all about motion, staying in constant motion.

Falmouth, MA Town Center

Then, it's off the boat literally and para sailing over Provincetown Harbor

I was getting a little nervous . . .

But no time for that it's up, up and away . . . so beautiful, so much fun, we highly recommend this . . .

Next we went whale watching. We try and do this where ever it's offered. This particular experience was mind blowing. Jim and I were sending out love and energy to the whales before we got out there. No really. We were seriously mindful and sent out energy. It was waiting for us out there.

There is always a chance you won't see anything. NOT THIS TIME. The whales waived us out to sea, met us out there and then, waved us back home. It was amazing. Magical. Spiritual. Peaceful. Godly. . . . check it out . . .

This is a humpback with her calf.
They were sleeping - just rolling and breathing. They call it logging, since when you approach them, they look like logs on the surface of the water . . .

Race Point is where you catch the most awesome sunsets...

Very romantic . . .

This particular nite, the seals swam up the coast line . . . huge seals . . .they brought a smile to the adults and made the children scream with joy.

I could post all day about our adventures...but that's enough for one day. Hope you enjoyed our trip as much as we did.

Namaste & Love

Monday, July 21, 2008

Le Chaim, Le Chaim, To Life!

When you partner with an energy like my cat Mango, you'll not soon forget him. Getting along without him becomes a very conscious effort. I see him everywhere. I feel him everywhere.

It's hard to stop doing something you've done for twenty three years. Just now, I came back home from running some errands and the first thing, THE FIRST THING, I did when I came in the door, was look for him.

Time for cats to eat, I want to call him.

Time to go outside, I want to make sure all are present and accounted for. The rhythm has been 'one, two, three, four', 'one, two, three, four'. Now, obviously the fourth is no longer. The number four is no longer applicable. The even is now odd. For sure.

So, I'm still grieving. That's okay. It's not even been a full week yet. I've yet to pick up his remains. Still grieving.

But, and this is a big BUTT, I completed Reiki II and at least, now my prayers can availeth that much more.

Reiki II is not the same as Reiki I. It's more. More love, more healing, more presence, more confidence ("faith as small as a mustard seed" and growing).

I dedicate my Reiki II to Mango. A few weeks ago when I put my hands on him to give him Reiki, his response was palpable. He purrrrred so loudly and looked right up at me. I knew he felt what the universe was offering him through me.

I dedicate my future Reiki Mastership on the whole to Dina & Bobbi, women of light. Young, beautiful women full of light and life taken from this world too soon.

Dina was more to me than I realized. She pointed me in several different spiritual directions that I appreciate so much more now than at the time.

Bobbi was also more. She loved Reiki. She loved life. She was a healer. She encouraged me to do the same. She would be very proud today to know that I am moving forward.

I hope to have all of their blessings from the far and beyond - to the right here and now. They have mine.

So, to my beloved Mango, my friend Dina and my inspiration Bobbi, have all made me want to be a better person. A healer. A teacher. An author. A friend. A lover of life. I dedicate my life to all of you.

To the Higher Power within all of you still and within me.

To the oneness that we are and will always be.

To the separation that does not exist.

Le Chaim, Le Chaim. To life!

May Elohim, The Most High God be praised forever for He has given us much.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Yoti's last photo in the yard

Today is the second and a half day without my boy Mango (Yoshi Mangashito).

I've been able to sleep the past two nights, surprisingly. I've been so exhausted by the time the night hour rolls around I basically just 'fall' asleep. My husband nudged me awake last night. He said I was breathing really deeply and I guess it scared him. Not sure what was going on there, but I can tell you this... heart hurts, head hurts, mind cannot focus, eyes hurt, throat is dry, soul aches, spirit is shattered,
...if I was ever complete, today not so
...but it's getting better.
I had to say something positive at the end there whether I believe it or not, right? Right!

These have been the hardest days.

Mango was my silent companion for half of my life. We grew up together, explored together, ate together, slept together, walked together, listened to music together, relocated together, married Jimmy together and just very recently I showed him how the sun breaks up into a million lights when it hits a crystal. The rainbows and flashes of light streamed all over the room and he looked (seriously - he was totally engaged) around at all of them and then back at me as if to say 'hey Mom, how come you never showed me that before'?

We smiled at each other in the rainbows of light.
Mango was always so regal. He had an M marked clearly on his head between his ears. We would actually call him "King Mango". Jim actually gets the credit for that name. Mang had a look about him. He was so conscious. He payed attention. If the doorbell would ring, he would come with me to see who it was. Most times, whoever it was knew him and greeted him accordingly. He was very social. Probably too social at times. But, that's what made him so special. He wasn't common, but he loved the commoners. : )

One of my favorite things to do with Mango? There were many through the years. But consistently, I would hold him and walk around the house showing him and talking to him about everything....he'd stay in my arms for as long as I wanted to hold him. He used to push his nose into my hair and listen most attentively to every word I said. He would stare at me for hours. Just looking. Much love.

When he was kitten, so tiny and small, I would rub his belly and kiss his little grey and white spots. Then, I would bring him up to my face for kisses and he would nuzzle under my neck. He never stopped doing that. Even after he reached 12+ pounds he still thought he was a tiny and small kitten under his Mama's neck. Pretty funny and heavy. I'm ashamed to say sometimes I would shoo him down. It's hard to walk around with a 12+ pound cat under your chin. But make no mistake, Mango was not heavy, he was my brother, son, friend, family. I would've carry him forever if I could.

What I wouldn't give to hold him one more time.

So, since I was with him since the day he was born, it was only fair to him to be with him in his last moments. We had to take him to the vet. He was so disoriented and not functioning with control. We had hope that perhaps Dr. Wilson of Cedar Grove Animal Hospital would laugh at us and tell us to take him back home.

Jimmy and I both took the news pretty badly that the time had come. Ultimately, it was my decision and I pray to the Most High God to never EVER EVER EVER have to make that decision again. I wanted Mango to fall asleep in his bed and go to God that way, not by my hand. Not by drugs. I didn't want his last memory to be one of the travel case, exam at Dr.'s office, etc.

Rosie standing by the travel case.

I was shocked to see the cross.

See the cross and rainbow?

Otherwise I would never have taken a picture.

The rainbow and cross appeared on the hardwood floor right in front of the carry case (see the single strand of cat hair?). The cross was formed by the cage. Ironic. I also dreamt of many many colors, a flood of color last night. Not sure what that means if anything.

He didn't want to get into the travel case. I had to push him slightly. That was gut wrenching and it only got worse after that. I can barely type these words. He started to cry and when we were in the office, he saw the door and we could see him thinking "I've got to get out of here".

Jim said "why don't you let him make a run for it". It would've been Mango's style to just slip out the door into the neighborhood and disappear into someones flower garden. But two seconds after that he would've been disoriented and of course I was never going to let that happen, but it's amazing how your mind navigates an escape route for your beloved as well as yourself in times like these.

That's when the room starts to spin and the hard part of reality sets in. I get the look from Dr. Wilson. They weigh him. He's lost almost half of his body weight since his visit last year. He's not the same boy he used to be. He's emaciated, a shell of what he once was. Dr. Wilson said "if the day before was his best day, and it wasn't a great day - it's definitely not going to get any better". I did not want my boy to suffer. I could not allow my boy to suffer.

The time had come.

I had to shake my head up and down indicating my decision and make eye contact with Dr. Wilson. He left the room to get the injection. Jim and I just reached down and held our boy until it was over. He put his little head down and it was done.

We are having him cremated so I will be called to pick up his remains shortly. I will keep them with me. I couldn't imagine sprinkling them anywhere I wasn't going to be forever. Who knows, maybe one day I'll find a place that's appropriate, but I doubt it.

Mango was always with me. Mango was meant to be with me. Mango is still with me. Mango will always and forever be in the quiet resting of my heart.

I love you Yoti. Thank you for every thing.

Boy, you are always mine.

Until I see your beautiful green eyes again.

Smooches, Hugs, Rubs, Treats x 1,000,000,000 and then some,

and of course all of my love and all of the love in the universe,

but you already have that.

xoxo =^..^= xoxo

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Our Beloved Mango

The following post is dedicated to Mango who passed away yesterday. I will post a more fitting memorial to him later.

* * *

Mango, Yoshi Mangashito, Mangalito, whichever you prefer, is twenty three years old. I've had him since the day he was born. He has gone everywhere with me. When we moved here he disappeared for over 16 days. He got out and took a long walk I guess. Those were sixteen of the longest days and nights. It was October and getting cold so I knew he'd be cold, hungry and scared. This was a new neighborhood for all of us. Behind our house is a pond with all sorts of wildlife - he is a city boy growing up on the streets of Bayonne. He doesn't know about some of the wildlife that raccoon, geese, opossum. Somehow, he returned to me unharmed only to find me two timing him with Squeakie and Cricket. But let me explain...

I was absolutely heart broken after searching for him non-stop for two weeks. I roamed the neighborhood, put up fliers, combed the shelters. I finally accepted the fact that he was gone. In an effort to ease my broken heart, I went to the pound one last time hoping to find him there. I found Squeakie Rose and Cricket instead. No sooner did I bring those two girls home, then Mango showed back up at the front door no less, meowing his head off to get in. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard his mew outside the house one sunny morning. I opened the door and saw my boy there. I was ecstatic to find him without a scratch, just extremely tired and hungry. After a quick run to the vet to make sure he was okay, he took to the couch for a week and was shortly thereafter back to his old self. I have no idea where he was, but he was back and that's all that mattered. But something happened after that that I never expected.

Mango and Squeakie Rose became more than just friends. They hug and nuzzle and sleep together. It's the sweetest thing to see and I couldn't be happier. See for yourself. . .

Not bad for an old guy in retirement. Mango lives a very comfortable, safe life, except when he crosses Cricket's path (notice she's not in this picture), then it's every cat for themselves. I've broken up many a fight. It's really more than I can take sometimes. I never wanted four cats. I had Mango, he disappeared. In come Squeak and Cricket and I swear off all other cats forever until the 'black and white cookie cat' Mohito decided to join the family. But this time, that's it! she said with seriousness in her voice. Seriously though, it is a big responsibility. For the most part, we cannot travel when we want to, and when we do travel we have to get a cat sitter to come to our home twice a day, not to mention the clean up, cost of food, litter, doctor visits, etc.

And then there's the other side. The side that says it's good to share your life with these creatures. Every little bit you give to them comes back to you tenfold. And when you least expect it, they give even more than you could ever imagine. Somehow, they are very sensitive and when you're hurting they seem to pay extra special attention to you during those times. I think they cry when you cry and then they try to cheer you up with their unpredictible antics. All of these creatures have shown outstanding love and compassion to us. I guess we'll keep them.

Monday, July 7, 2008

One Drum One Life

I've always danced to the beat of my own drum. I've always been slightly different than the rest of my friends. I have a tendency to be deep and go deeper still. Not everyone appreciates this and that's okay.

I don't appreciate shallowness so I guess we're even or at least balanced. What's the lyric from the band Jars of Clay (one of my favs)?

"Blessed are the shallow for depth they'll never find".

I search for depth. I search for meaning. I search for truth. I seek righteousness. I seek love. I seek to understand and to be patient. I mostly seek God and I must say, I've never been disappointed for He has met me more than half way.

But I understand why some don't dare search for deeper meaning. It gets sticky. It's not easy. It's not easy to look directly at yourself, scars and all. It's awful sometimes. We can be so human. We fall. We crawl. We scrape. We hide.

Again, quoting Jars of Clay

"If I were not so weak, if I were not so cold, if I were
not so scared of being broken growing old, I would be . . . frail".

Wow. That's so deep and awesome. Think about that. All the things we want to be in this lifetime - we can be all of them - yet we're still frail.

Perhaps that's the blessed message of love. You are frail. You cannot live this life without the Holy Intercession of God. Well, you can try, but depth you'll never find.

All knowing God still puts breath in your lungs every morning. He puts love in your heart and intellect in your brains and strength in your bodies for many reasons. Mostly His own.

Go deeper if you want to find the real purpose in your life. While there is still time and breath in your lungs, go deeper still.