Trying Times

As I type this, I am sitting vigil with my beloved cancer stricken feline companion of over 13 years, Cricket, a.k.a., Cricksley Wicksley, Wicket, Wick. Cricket has been the most vocal, most anti-social, most fierce, love and attention starved being I've ever rescued. From the day I rescued her, I noticed that she was quite needy and traumatized from wherever and whatever. I rescued her from the local animal shelter, along with her sister Rosie, and now here we are. We have done all we can do for her medically and the vet gave her only a couple of days, so now, it's just a matter of time. I have been giving her Reiki, intentionally of course, and it's just flowing all the time now. Just thinking about her starts my hands up. I've learned alot about healing from her in the past couple of years. I am happy to say she's resting comfortably right now, having eaten and taken water, so there's still quite a lot of fight in her. She even managed to sit in the sun today - the thing she loves more than life itself. I honor her. I love her and I am so very grateful for her loyal companionship. I hope that I have been everything she's ever needed and I truly hope that I am and will be all she needs now. This is just the craziest week for this kind of thing. Tomorrow, I go for my yearly mammography. That deserves a line all by itself doesn't it? Dare I say that I have tremendous faith that I am cancer free? I feel well despite the radiation pneumonitis that I had 11 months ago. Truth be told, I feel really great. I mean, I am a fright to see right now with puffy eyes and a broken heart, but I'm optimistic about my health. Stay tuned. I will definitely update this blog. Now, the only things left on the agenda are two of my most favorite people in the whole world having major surgeries this week. Two very dominant males in my life are going for surgery one day apart. I have been sitting vigil with Cricket for the last 24 hours...I think this is going to be a week and half for me. I promised myself I won't cry anymore today. I know with everything going on emotion is to be expected and I allow myself all the crying time I need until it's time to move on. Crying is a huge release of energy, and a cleansing as well. Then, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. I am doing just that. It's just that right now, this week, last week...tremendous pressure. It's good to blog about such things, processes and challenges, but most of all solutions, coping skills. Prayer, meditation, gratitude, consciousness...all tools in the coping skill bag of tricks. I know that both of my guys are going to be fine. God is looking after all of us. We put our faith in him. He makes our crooked ways straight, He heals our wounds, He guides our steps. God bless you Frankie and Jimmy. I love you with all of my heart. I couldn't ask for better friends and you couldn't ask for a better prayer warrior. God speed to all my beloved, no matter what they're facing. May the Hand of God protect them and heal them. I hope that when I look back and read these, or when you read these blogs, that you (we) learn something about human nature, human spirituality, divinity, prayer, belief, grace....cause this is the real deal. This is what life is all about. The yin and the yang. Finding the Face of God in everything. I am indeed learning to find the Face of God in everyone and everything. Everything. That's a lot of stuff. That's all the stuff.

Relay for Life

In May of 2012, I received the news that I had Stage O Breast Cancer.  That same month I walked in our local Relay for Life in support of two angels, my best friend Rachael and my new best friend MaryLou.  I did the walk to support these two lovelies, but was in complete denial that I myself had cancer.  This is not something you just accept and say - hey, yeah, no problem.  It frightens the life out of you, literally.

Rachael's Dad, Joe passed away at the end of May last year succumbing to brain cancer which was discovered only two short years before after he was in an random accident.  They did a routine examination looking closely at his head and discovered an aggressive tumor.  They gave him only a few years to live, and live he did until his body could no longer survive what was happening in his body despite surgeries, chemo, etc.  It was the saddest thing to watch.  My heart breaks every day for Rachael.  She's heartbroken and will be until she's reunited with her "Padre".

MaryLou, a divorced mother of 3 has Stage 4 Breast Cancer diagnosed several years ago.  Ever since I met MaryLou she has been having one surgery or another, undergoing constant chemotherapy all the while smiling.  She says 'it's because of my kids, I have to be strong for them'.  And that she is. 

After the Relay For Life last year, I had my own battle to wage, and as you've read in past posts, surgery, radiation and the like was the order for the day and now, I'm home with pneumonia thinking long and hard about reality.  It's as if this whole year was a blur - by the way, not quite a year.  Just a mere eight months.

A few months ago, MaryLou contacted me.  She said she 'needed to get her God on' and reached out to me to help her spiritually.  I was more than willing and Rae and I met her for lunch.  She told us she was organizing the Relay for Life this year.  She said she was Chairing the event and she knew that I have planned many events, have done lots of PR work and have lots of connections with regard to sponsors and the like.  She felt like I was the perfect candidate to work with her.  Me?

I was more than happy to lift her up in the Spirit.  Offering her prayers and advice on how to get God back into her psyche more than anything.  She kept saying 'I know this', and 'how did I forget'?  But how can you not forget when the throws of life have you face down on the concrete and you're facing your mortality.  We all know millions of people die of cancer every day.  The reality can be overwhelming and it was especially for me, as I am only now realizing.

These two woman have become a beacon of hope for me encouraging ME to fight the good fight.

This past Friday was the Relay for Life which I did not help coordinate.  I did the best I could encouraging MaryLou, but participate?  Coordinate?  Get involved?  How could I?  I was still fighting.

That being said, when I realized the walk was Friday I couldn't miss it.  As sick as I am, I managed to get out of bed, put on a pink shirt in support that Rae helped me embellish and I registered at the event but this time as a Survivor.  I didn't know that Survivors wear purple not pink.  That revelation brought me to tears instantly.  The organizers who gave me my purple Survivor shirt asked me what type of cancer I had, when I was diagnosed, and I told them that and that I was there despite my pneumonia.  The tears were flowing but the compassion and empathy that these strangers yet kindred spirits gave me was deeply moving.  They hugged me.  They told me it was okay.

It was then I realized that I had a special place of honor among the Survivors.  They had chairs set up in the front row.  Purple shirt cancer survivors, of which I am now obviously one, took their seats and the ceremony began.  MaryLou took her place with the microphone and read her testimony.  She held it together as she described her journey, her mastectomies, her chemotherapy's - which she was still undergoing even only a few days earlier.  Her children and her friends, even the Mayor of Rutherford were all there in support.  After several more speeches, what came next caught me again off guard. 

Had I been sleepwalking all this time?

They announced the Survivors by name.  They called my name and I had to go and receive a purple cancer survivor medal.  MaryLou was called right after me - we basically got our medals together and what an honor to have her right by my side - she's so incredibly strong.  When I look at my struggle vs. hers, and I'm not comparing, she's the warrior.  I'm just a little squirrel trying to get a nut.  She's an amazing woman with the courage of an army of women.  She never faltered.  She was, however, so very happy to see me there and we hugged and shed a tear of hope between us.

Then we walked our Survivor lap.  Together.  Right in the front row holding the Relay for Life sign.  It was surreal.  I realized at that moment that I am a cancer survivor.  All the needles, poking, prodding, scans, tests, biopsies, lumpectomies, radiation - none of it was real until that moment.  I could barely get through my lap.  At the same time, the caretakers are also walking their lap in the opposite direction.  I could see my bestie Rae off in the distance.  She took her caretaker lap last year in honor of her Padre, and this year she took it for both of us.  She was an amazing caretaker to me.  She still is.

When we got closer and closer and the the two groups came together, MaryLou and I both lost our breath.  The support from family and friends that rallied round was gut wrenching.  I realized besides Rae, I was alone.  There was really no one there for me, except the entire Relay for Life community, and that was enough.

After the second lap, I was so completely winded, overwhelmed and frankly so sick I had to sit down.  I couldn't walk another step.  I am still fighting.  I am still sick.  So I sat and let Rae walk around a little more.  She wasn't done yet.  She needed to be there a little longer for her Padre, for MaryLou, for herself and I'm guessing for me.  Her reality is just settling in also.  It's all a lot to accept.  Acceptance is key, as I now know.  I couldn't feel my pulse and felt like I would faint at any moment, but I didn't.  I got through it.  WE got through it.

I called MaryLou the next morning to thank her and to apologize for not helping her with the organizing and of course, she said 'don't be ridiculous'.  She said that when she saw me there she was ecstatic because she knew how empowering it was.  I was embracing the reality of what I had experienced, not poking my head into the ground but looking around and knowing that yeah, I got cancer, I am fighting back and I am a part of something so much bigger than just myself.  This is not something that goes away.  You have this experience and it becomes a part of your life forever.  There is no 'getting over it'.  That's not the way cancer works.  Perhaps a splinter works that way, but not cancer.

I told MaryLou that I am getting involved next year.  MaryLou suggested that I Co-Chair the event with her.  Can you imagine?  What a place of honor.  What an opportunity to give to this community all that I have to offer and for such an amazing cause.  Not for some self glory but for the help of humanity.  MaryLou, of course she's planning on doing it again.  She'll live forever that one.  I told her I would absolutely do the very best I can to organize, promote and fight this deadly disease from the Survivor front line holding my head up high and owning who I am.  I am fearless today.  I've been educated, I've been through it - but know this - if you've not walked in my shoes do not judge me.  Do not have any preconceived notions about what this feels like.  You have no idea, and even after going through it, I still had no idea.

Today is a different day.  Today I will rise to the occasion giving all of my energy toward that which is profitable and that which will yield a harvest of righteousness.  If I can put a smile on just one person's face, if I can help diminish the fear from just one person's heart, if I can raise just one dollar or one more persons awareness that we can find a cure then that's my purpose in life.

If you would like information on the Relay For Life, please visit www.relayforlife.org.  Give, educate yourself, get involved.  It's not just about you, it's about all of us and if one of us is sick, we're all sick.  There is life after life (my new favorite saying) and I will hold your hand.  I promise I will be there.

Yoshi Mangasheito <3 <3 <3

It will be a year ago tomorrow that my little boy Mango left this dimension and moved onto the next.

As I type I am contemplating what to do with his ashes. I have had them the way they were given to me for almost a year now. I couldn't bare to think of not having Mango with me in some way. I had him since the day he was born until the day he died. I thought if I held onto him a little tighter that I could keep him closer. Turns out not so much.

I'm still crying for my friend, brother, son. He was never a pet to me. A brother? Yes, definitely. A friend? That goes without saying. My son? Well, yes. I've never had my own children and I raised him so...yes. My son.

It hurts me like losing a child. Still.

I can't believe it's a year already.

I remember every silly thing he used to do....like sitting at the table. He didn't go on top of the table. He didn't go under the table. He sat AT the table. Very civilized, my son.

And he was so social. He greeted everyone that came to the house.

And he fell in love with Rosie in the winter of his life.

And she fell in love with him. And then came Mohito. They all became fast friends and picked up each others habits. They were a tribe.....we were.


Yes we still are, but when one, just one member of your family is no longer in the mix it hurts. Sure there may be tens more around you, but you'll always be looking for the one that's not physically there.
Kiss someone you love today. Tell them.

Life is very, very short and love is a gift that we choose to give to one another. If someone has chosen to give you their love during this lifetime, give your love back. Kiss them. Hug them. Sacrifice for them. Show them how much you appreciate their love and energy. They don't have to give you their love....remember it's a choice. They give just as freely as you do. So give then....freely with no expectations.

The reward is a lifetime of love and memories that if you do it right the first time, you will not be left wanting. Well....just wanting more perhaps.

Mango, I hope I figure out what to do. As I look at this picture with you and the girls, I think I know. I hope so. In the meantime, I love you more than words can express I want to thank you for being my friend. xoxo Loving you always, Mom.

Calling All Angels

Winter Sports

We had great hockey tickets last night, the NJ Devils vs. NY Islanders at the new Prudential Center in downtown Newark.


I've only ever been to hockey games with my husband. I've seen so many games at Madison Square Garden but these, these were the best seats that I've ever had at any hockey game ever. They were down, in the front, on the ice, in the front row.


Un be liev able seats. They were a gift from a really close friend of the family. And we thoroughly appreciated them.


We invited our friends along who we haven't seen in months due to football season.

All of these pics were taken with my cell phone which explains the fuzziness.

We don't look too happy do we?

Gotta love winter sports.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Happily on our way to the Wellmont Theatre on a brisk,

32 degree night in New Jersey.

To my delight our friends got orchestra seats - third row baby.

The Wellmont is a beautiful facility to have a concert.

It was great seeing our friends. They were in and out of town like lightning.

Travelling is their lives. They'll be back in only two weeks so we get to do it again.

We get together a few times a year for the last several years. We're grateful for the time we get to share.

Funny as you get older you wind up with family and friends all across the 50 States (and beyond). Getting together is not as easy as it once was. It's so important to appreciate the moment - how ever it's sliced - it too will change one day.

Speaking of getting older, Steely Dan was great. They put on a solid show for an hour and half with one encore.

The audience ate it up. You could tell some were long time fans and sang along to every word.

I didn't know every song, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. Here's a little piece of Steely Dan.

Enjoy!

Our Beloved Mango

The following post is dedicated to Mango who passed away yesterday. I will post a more fitting memorial to him later.

* * *

Mango, Yoshi Mangashito, Mangalito, whichever you prefer, is twenty three years old. I've had him since the day he was born. He has gone everywhere with me. When we moved here he disappeared for over 16 days. He got out and took a long walk I guess. Those were sixteen of the longest days and nights. It was October and getting cold so I knew he'd be cold, hungry and scared. This was a new neighborhood for all of us. Behind our house is a pond with all sorts of wildlife - he is a city boy growing up on the streets of Bayonne. He doesn't know about some of the wildlife that exists...like raccoon, geese, opossum. Somehow, he returned to me unharmed only to find me two timing him with Squeakie and Cricket. But let me explain...


I was absolutely heart broken after searching for him non-stop for two weeks. I roamed the neighborhood, put up fliers, combed the shelters. I finally accepted the fact that he was gone. In an effort to ease my broken heart, I went to the pound one last time hoping to find him there. I found Squeakie Rose and Cricket instead. No sooner did I bring those two girls home, then Mango showed back up at the front door no less, meowing his head off to get in. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard his mew outside the house one sunny morning. I opened the door and saw my boy there. I was ecstatic to find him without a scratch, just extremely tired and hungry. After a quick run to the vet to make sure he was okay, he took to the couch for a week and was shortly thereafter back to his old self. I have no idea where he was, but he was back and that's all that mattered. But something happened after that that I never expected.

Mango and Squeakie Rose became more than just friends. They hug and nuzzle and sleep together. It's the sweetest thing to see and I couldn't be happier. See for yourself. . .









Not bad for an old guy in retirement. Mango lives a very comfortable, safe life, except when he crosses Cricket's path (notice she's not in this picture), then it's every cat for themselves. I've broken up many a fight. It's really more than I can take sometimes. I never wanted four cats. I had Mango, he disappeared. In come Squeak and Cricket and I swear off all other cats forever until the 'black and white cookie cat' Mohito decided to join the family. But this time, that's it! she said with seriousness in her voice. Seriously though, it is a big responsibility. For the most part, we cannot travel when we want to, and when we do travel we have to get a cat sitter to come to our home twice a day, not to mention the clean up, cost of food, litter, doctor visits, etc.




And then there's the other side. The side that says it's good to share your life with these creatures. Every little bit you give to them comes back to you tenfold. And when you least expect it, they give even more than you could ever imagine. Somehow, they are very sensitive and when you're hurting they seem to pay extra special attention to you during those times. I think they cry when you cry and then they try to cheer you up with their unpredictible antics. All of these creatures have shown outstanding love and compassion to us. I guess we'll keep them.

What Wonders in This Life - Part II

Mango, Yoshi Mangashito, Mangalito, whichever you prefer, is twenty two years old. I've had him since the day he was born. He has gone everywhere with me. When we moved here he disappeared for over 16 days. He got out and took a long walk I guess. Those were sixteen of the longest days and nights. It was October and getting cold so I knew he'd be cold, hungry and scared. This was a new neighborhood for all of us. Behind our house is a pond with all sorts of wildlife - he is a city boy growing up on the streets of Bayonne. He doesn't know about some of the wildlife that exists...like raccoon, geese, opossum. Somehow, he returned to me unharmed only to find me two timing him with Squeakie and Cricket. But let me explain...


I was absolutely heart broken after searching for him non-stop for two weeks. I roamed the neighborhood, put up fliers, combed the shelters. I finally accepted the fact that he was gone. In an effort to ease my broken heart, I went to the pound one last time hoping to find him there. I found Squeakie Rose and Cricket instead. No sooner did I bring those two girls home, then Mango showed back up at the front door no less, meowing his head off to get in. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard his mew outside the house one sunny morning. I opened the door and saw my boy there. I was ecstatic to find him without a scratch, just extremely tired and hungry. After a quick run to the vet to make sure he was okay, he took to the couch for a week and was shortly thereafter back to his old self. I have no idea where he was, but he was back and that's all that mattered. But something happened after that that I never expected.

Mango and Squeakie Rose became more than just friends. They hug and nuzzle and sleep together. It's the sweetest thing to see and I couldn't be happier. See for yourself. . .

Not bad for an old guy in retirement. Mango lives a very comfortable, safe life, except when he crosses Cricket's path (notice she's not in this picture), then it's every cat for themselves. I've broken up many a fight. It's really more than I can take sometimes. I never wanted four cats. I had Mango, he disappeared. In come Squeak and Cricket and I swear off all other cats forever until the 'black and white cookie cat' Mohito decided to join the family. But this time, that's it! she said with seriousness in her voice. Seriously though, it is a big responsibility. For the most part, we cannot travel when we want to, and when we do travel we have to get a cat sitter to come to our home twice a day, not to mention the clean up, cost of food, litter, doctor visits, etc.

And then there's the other side. The side that says it's good to share your life with these creatures. Every little bit you give to them comes back to you tenfold. And when you least expect it, they give even more than you could ever imagine. Somehow, they are very sensitive and when you're hurting they seem to pay extra special attention to you during those times. I think they cry when you cry and then they try to cheer you up with their unpredictible antics. All of these creatures has at one time or another has shown outstanding love and compassion to us. I guess we'll keep them.