Ho'opono opono Healing Prayer

One of the most important yet misinterpreted virtues is that of humility.  Being humble in this day and age is misconstrued as weakness but that couldn't be farther from the truth.  It takes IMMENSE humility, courage and love to admit that we are sometimes less than we could be, worse than we should be, or too proud to be what we would be - if we were walking in humility.

To walk in humility is to put others first and ourselves last.  It doesn't seem to gel with the world in its current state or paradigm.  The current paradigm is all about greed and arrogance, and do unto others before they do unto you.  Just how much can we obtain for ourselves, even hoarding things or resources for our immediate or long-term survival, and actually live peacefully?  Well, we all know money can't buy love or happiness and we've seen enough wars to know that, right now, this is the mantra for many and for many, it is creating a void that is leading to some very interesting behavior.  How could money ever bring peace to the Spirit that lives within the human body?  It cannot.  Spirit has little use for these things unless we are giving them away to others less fortunate....then they become real spiritual gifts that return way more than they could ever give.  Humility gives.  Pride hoards and we've seen the damage this has done and it might just take another lifetime to undo and unlearn all that's been taught in the spirit of success, wealth, beauty and fame,  If any of those things had any real value the ones with the most of it wouldn't live in such fear of losing it all.  If those things had any real power the whole world would be cared for, elevated, and fed.   Just look at our nursing homes in the USA.  Get to a certain point in this paradigm and you are no longer useful for anything other than sitting in a chair with wheels staring out a window and a street sign that says One Way.  Oh, surely there is more than one way.  Question becomes, 'can we get out of our own way' long enough to contemplate the really profitable choices like humility?

While arrogance, greed and pride can come with what seems like power - it is fleeting.  Someone will always be stronger, hungrier, more prideful and so the competition goes.  Who has the power?  Who is losing it?  Who is gaining it?  And for what?  What is the purpose of all of this power?  Perhaps just like anger can lead a soul to peace, this kind of power can lead to giving if the human only look into the margin of the mirror.  The margin contains all that is stored up.  All of the things we don't want to look at are there behind us, beside us, in front and behind but as long as we stare at our own reflection we are distracted from the light that illuminates us - all of us, good, bad and ugly.  Take your gaze off of yourself.  Look at your brothers and sisters, our suffering earth and animals.  Look at your heart and how you have contributed to this destruction and if so inspired, make some changes.

For me, my personal inventory of what was in my margin led me to the wonderful Hawaiian Ho'opono opono healing prayer.  Thankfully, I had help in obtaining this spiritual guidance.  You must surround yourself with Spirit filled people...what you need comes.  Broaden your horizon.  You will find what you seek and I found it just in time.

We've all had magnificent pasts that have helped us, healed us and hurt us.  It's holding onto the hurt and disappointment that creates ill in the body, the mind, the spirit, and our world.  Bitterness, holding onto grudges, past offenses, not seeing people especially oneself as fallible, all lead to illusion, separation, confusion and God does not live there.  

New International Version - 1st Corinthians 14:33

For God is not a God of disorder but of peace--as in all the congregations of the Lord's people.

Humility can be a very hard concept for some and I think it should be a class in school throughout our entire tenure.  We should learn about Humility before anything else and as a magnificent side dish there should also be a class called Forgiveness.  We, as humans, need as much spiritual guidance as we can get to make clear the illusion of separateness.  We think we're better than some people.  We think we're smarter than some people.  We think so many thoughts that separate and feed the illusion, but when you prayerfully contemplate existence there is an overwhelming love and peace that prevails inside that the outside just doesn't match up to.  It's contrary.  You deeply FEEL the truth that love is the bottom line not greed, success or wealth.  Real connectedness is profoundly humbling.  It's beautiful to contemplate.  But, there are still those that hold on so tightly to what they've obtained that surely they will lose their grip or their grip will be loosened for them.  This is not the way.  This is not the truth of real peace and tranquility.   If it were, I would know.  I would totally be all in as I am with Spirit.  I've seen fame, fortune and success.  It is not the way, in my humble opinion.  And while I am not famous I am wealthy in Spirit and consider that a great success.  You define it for yourself.   I'd be really honest if I were you.  Take a good look in the margins.  What do you live for?   Who do you live for?

I live for God.  Period.  I aspire to please God, not men.  I aspire to reach the heights of a virtuous life.  I want my companions to be of the light, Godly, inspired, fast to forgive, quick to love, quick to share.  I want to help everyone reach the heights of pure love, pure compassion, pure joy.  It is possible to reach this exquisite paradigm in your heart.  I have and I strive to stay there every single day and trust me, with this type of statement, the tests and trials come.  Oh boy, do they come and that's why this prayer came to me.  Just in time, not a second too soon.  If it had come to me sooner, I might have disregarded it.  I wasn't ready.  Are you?

It takes a truly humble heart to pray this amazing prayer.  I could not just describe this prayer without first setting the foundation as to why we should be humble to begin with.  Perhaps you've been persuaded by the illusion?  Perhaps you are wreaking havoc in your own life as you struggle with the anxious feelings of not having enough friends, love, money, power, fame, or even time left?  That's a wrestling match we will always lose.  When you place your trust outside of yourself how will you ever be satiated?  Who has ever been truly satisfied with what the world offers?  The world is at odds with the Spirit on so many levels yet when you tap into Spirit you are given eyes to see the world as it really is and you start to tread much lighter on her, on others, on yourself.  You can no longer dwell in self service you can only rise to serve others, and one of the first ways is humility which leads to forgiveness.  How do I know?  Because I am so very human seeking super spiritual power.  Humility and forgiveness are indeed supernatural, super powerful, super Spiritual.  It's when you finally settle into searching your heart that this prayer becomes one of the most powerful healing resources you'll ever come across.  Are you ready to forgive yourself?

Ego may answer that question with 'what have I done'?  'What do I have to be sorry for'?  That is not Spirit.  That is ego.  Your highest self knows emphatically that you are a fallible human being and you have some stuff in the margins.  Only a fool would think their hands are clean.  Everyday, in every way, we offend ourselves and others.  Every single day.  I pity the fool who thinks otherwise and I also pity the fool who thinks this is a waste of time.  This is the most profitable way to spend your human lifetime because it leads to virtues that indeed, the soul takes with it when it leaves this school of life and this body.  What will be in your soul when you leave this planet?  If you don't like what you see perhaps this prayer is for you, as it is for me.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

I love you.

Thank you.

As defined in the Hawaiian Dictionary through Wikipedia:

Literally, hoʻo is a particle used to make an actualizing verb from the following noun, as would "to" before a noun in English. Here, it creates a verb from the noun pono, which is defined as

...goodness, uprightness, morality, moral qualities, correct or proper procedure, excellence, well-being, prosperity, welfare, benefit, true condition or nature, duty; moral, fitting, proper, righteous, right, upright, just, virtuous, fair, beneficial, successful, in perfect order, accurate, correct, eased, relieved; should, ought, must, necessary.

Ponopono is defined as "to put to rights; to put in order or shape, correct, revise, adjust, amend, regulate, arrange, rectify, tidy up, make orderly or neat".

That's it.  Simple yet profoundly difficult for some.  It was difficult for me for quite a while until I understood that peace lives inside of me, not outside in the approval of others and anything that I'm holding onto is preventing me from moving forward with grace, love and tenderness.  While I want everyone to love me, not everyone does, and that's okay but it's not okay for me not to love me, or them.  I was so self destructive for so long believing that I was unlovable, unworthy, and just not good enough because of a few people in my life who just did not have anything of true value to give to me.  I held onto this need thinking that this is the way it is, we obtain this esteem from others but that is not the case.  I have all the self esteem in the world now and it depends on a much higher source of inspiration, One that never let's me down, ever.  God's grace is sufficient for me but I wouldn't mind a few more super spiritual humans in my life.  Perhaps offering this prayer out into the ether will bring them closer to me.  I am ever hopeful.

Your energy is felt long before your words are spoken and grateful is the heart that hears the words the heart needs to hear.  Perhaps your heart needs to hear these words today from yourself, or from someone else.  Start with yourself as I did.  Forgive yourself for all of it.  ALL OF IT.  Then you will begin to see the bridge that gaps the divide of the illusion of separation.  Then, you can forgive others effortlessly and easily and the proof will be in the fruit you produce.  You cannot harvest hate and love at the same time.  The immediate harvest of love is the grace that flows through a forgiving heart.  Humility melts the hardest heart.  It melted mine and it will melt yours as well.

There is real healing power in this prayer, and in the heart of the human whose focused intention is to forgive self and others through immense humility.  It becomes increasingly more difficult to perpetuate what you once thought of as profitable.  Once you've crossed this threshold, what once deeply offended you becomes much easier to rise above and transmute into love.  Once you've prayed this prayer to yourself, you learn to pray it to everyone and then, you can navigate your way to true peace and tranquility.  The last leg of this journey is honoring all the virtues that you may have offended;  Peace, Consciousness, Gratitude, Unity, Kindness, Holiness, Harmony, Compassion, Healing, just to name a few.

Imagine forgiving yourself for all and starting fresh.  Imagine forgiving everyone for everything and erasing your memory of these offenses.  Doesn't that sound amazing?  It is.

Imagine being the peace.  Imagine being the love.  Imagine being the harmony.  All of these virtues, and many more will fill your spiritual bag of resources and you become a brighter light that beckons peace, love and harmony.  You couldn't prevent peace if you wanted to.  You just are the peace through love and humility and peace begets peace.

This is the way. ~*~

Namaste,
Reiki Master Ree

Choose Love

I just watched Jim Carey's Commencement address for the 2014 graduates of the Maharishi University of Management.  It is interesting that the life I strive for is the one that he describes.  I'm so excited to know that Jim has evolved and is using his influence to raise the vibration of the planet through his words and fine example.

There is a mighty distinction between "a dog that can eat you that is in your head, or a real dog that can eat you".  And he's right when he states that most people do not make this distinction.  They may not even realize that they are the dog in some cases biting off their own leg.

One thing is for sure, I needed to hear this to remind myself that I am not alone.  That what I believe and how I live my life is the real deal.  I am who I say I am, I have what I say I have, and I do what I say I do.  For this, I am truly grateful.  Otherwise, I'd be operating from fear and there is just too much of that going on these days.

Be aware of the wolf in sheep clothing that would try to persuade you to be the fear that they personify.  God forbid.  Be the light.  Be the love and be the peace.  Let the rest go.

~*~

Fresh News from the Force

Today, my beautiful niece Tori graduates High School and I'm missing it.  I have shed a few tears but there is really nothing I can do about it, so I accept.  I couldn't fly now physically so I can only go by remote viewing.  If you don't know what that is, it's kind of like prayer but way more in depth.  Our military uses it.  It can be quite useful at times like these, but nothing beats the real deal of hugging and kissing your loved ones.  Tori is my God daughter and I was there for every major event in her life and this one is just too far out of reach for me.  I will not soon forget that the path I am on has prevented my participation, not my choice.  Choices are very different and I stand behind every other choice I've made.  I have to.  I support me and my decisions, right or wrong, because I am still learning, growing, willing and alive.

 

I wish my niece a lifetime of successes just like the one she's going to achieve today.  I will envision her College graduation, her wedding, her babies.  I am truly there one way or the other.

As I've blogged about in the recent past, I have been under Doctor's care - for way too long now - but trying still to recover from the side effects of radiation treatment.  Of course I'm speaking of radiation pneumonitis and a 'burned' lung.  The course of treatment has been an excruciating round of Prednisone.

The old roller coaster "Jet Star" at Seaside, NJ after Superstorm Sandy.  An amazing image of how life can twist and turn, in a heartbeat.  It's finally been removed from the water and they're rebuilding a new one perhaps naming it 'Superstorm".  Somethings need to be removed, reconstructed, recycled.  It's all good.

For those of you who are not familiar with Prednisone, here are the basics:  it is a very strong steroid used mostly to treat inflammation and cancer.  I'm taking it to minimize the inflammation in my lungs.  It has terrible side effects and you need to be monitored closely if taking it more than a week.  In my case, at least a minimum of 10 weeks, but who knows?  I am closely being monitored.  Currently my dosage is still at 30 mgs daily, down 10 from 40 mgs.  Thank God for that.  At 40 mgs of predinisone I thought I would just about lose my mind.  It's a very hyper active, roller coaster, one minute you're up and the next your crashing drug and for someone who is very sensitive to caffeine (coffee - never, tea - yes, coca-cola - if after 3pm, up all night) I felt as if I could just about fly around the room.  All of this is a false sense of energy mind you.  The down side is a crashing effect.  Finally sleep arrives at the most inopportune times - like in the afternoon.

The side effects are ridiculous.  Insomnia, increased appetite, water retention (or lovingly referred to as 'moon face';  not lovingly by me, I might add), anxiety, increased heart rate, shaking hands, confusion and the list continues.  As the dosage diminishes, I am hopeful that I will return to a normal state of being but I am working so very hard at countering these side effects with sleep, when I can get it, rest, Xanax (up from .25 mgs to .50 mgs - supposed to take 3 x's a day - but I only take it when necessary.  Yes, still taking it every day but not 3 x's and mostly to sleep at night).  Regardless, sleep is elusive.  I wake up around 2ish every morning if I was lucky enough to fall asleep in the first place, around 11ish.  It's a tough battle especially since I seemed to get through radiation treatment with much more ease.  I hadn't realized that this was even a possibility - the side effects to radiation treatment, that is.

During this time, I have however, begun to do some much needed energy work on myself.  After the first two weeks of trying to recover from 'pneumonia' with antibiotics to no avail and loosing almost 15 + pounds, and then after the next two weeks of trying to recover from radiation pneumonitis with Prednisone, Ive gained all the weight back and I am now 2 more weeks further along and can finally say I think I am starting to think straight again.  What a long, strange trip it's been.

If you need more information on Prednisone, please look it up.  There is way too much information about it and most of it is scary.  I chose the path of Western medicine for the most part to treat Stage 0 Breast Cancer knowing all I knew about energy healing, being a Reiki Master myself, and hearing all the guru's in the world I've listened to.  The results are in, I am in remission and overcoming the side effects.

However.

If I had known then what I know now I may have done things differently.  Let me rephrase that - I am doing things differently.  While I need to stay the course and finish the prescribed treatment 'lest I wind up in a mental institution (yeah, you can't just stop taking prednisone - it's crazy dangerous and I've been on it for too long) I have to finish and ween off of it.  In the meantime, I am taking a good, long hard look at my life, the way I've lived, my belief systems, my habits, my thoughts, my religion, my practices, my rituals, my spirit, my past, my present and the future I am planning.  I realize that I have been playing it too small and living a life that was insecure, suppressed and foolish. 

Sometimes, you need a jolt.  Sometimes, you need more than a jolt, like maybe a bolt of lightning to strike you.  It's not enough that it sometimes strikes your neighbor, burns their whole life to the ground if only an ash lands on your front porch.  It may not be enough.  For me, it was my house.  It was me that was being struck by lightning and what I chose to do with my scorched everything is paramount to my existence, my healing, my future, and yours if I'm a healer, shaman, helper.

Through meditation, journaling, prayer, eating organic, just starting to try and stretch again practicing yoga, reading and doing my own healing work, I realize that the necessary changes are already happening.

I've never really enjoyed tread mills or stationary bikes.  They literally take you no where.  You go through the motions and while they get your heart rate up and increase your strength physically, you're still going no where.  If you wake up in the morning and have the 'same old, same old', well, there it is.  Can't today we do something different?  Perhaps there is a new way of doing the 'same old' that will bring about an even better result than what you've convinced yourself is the tried and true method.

My whole life has been about trying to be open minded.  I have failed miserably as I look back on this.  I remember certain individuals trying to bring different information to me but because I was steeped in Catholicism and Christianity, and a lot of it had to do with fear, I resisted even looking at it.  Fear is weird like that.  What's even weirder is that we really don't even realize we're doing it, it's just what we've always done.  Well, I'm blasting down the doors with dynamite today my friends.  There is so much wonderful information 'out there' that we need not be afraid of.  First, let go of the fear.  Then pray about it.  Then read everything you can get your hands on, and pray some more.  Meditate.  What you need will stay with you.  What you don't will fall by the way side or come back even stronger and louder than even the tiniest seed that you may have thought the loving sun wouldn't find important.  What seed doesn't grow in fertile dirt, water, mud and sunlight?

It's all in me, it always has been.  I have the power to change my mind, change my health, not grow old, not grow weary, not give in to what I had believed was written in stone, or what others told me was.  Is there anything truly written in stone?

 

The only thing that I believe is written in all consuming truth is the emotion of LOVE.  I believe that it is the driving force of all life, nature, all humanity, all the earth, moon, stars and sky.  Love makes us or breaks us.  From love in the womb, to love in the decay of the grave for the precious body of a human and everything in between - it's all about love.  Love of self.  Love of others.  You can also add service to this.  If you aren't out there giving love....then what exactly are you doing with your life?  What are you doing with your love?

This journey has lifted my heart, my mind, my empathy and compassion.  It has brought so many wonderful people to me and I in return, with open heart and hands, strive to give everything I have to whomever is in my presence and subsequently, learn from them.  I have a lot to give and I have a lot to learn.  I am so not done yet.  With my dying breath, I will say 'thank you' to the person that I'm with - or just to God if there is no one else around - or, I hope that I can relay some last, little message of hope like "see you later".  I don't want to take one second for granted.  I don't want to take one person for granted.  I have learned something from every one.

By the way, my Grandmother Mary's last words to me were "I Love You" and my Grandmother Violet?  Her last word to me was "beautiful".  Think I'll ever forget that love?  Never in a million years.  I am so very grateful for their nurturing, giving hearts of love.  I love you too, beautiful.

About myself, I've learned that "I'm still a good kid".  I've been told that by one person or another my whole life.  And recently, at 86 years young, Sidney Poitier was quoted as saying about himself and the life he's lived "I am a good person".  I am hopeful that by that time, I too will still be saying the same.  I'll be a lot younger by then lol. 

"A consistent positive and optimistic attitude is the cheapest fountain of youth"

- author unknown



I strive for excellence in everything I do.  Perhaps even trying too hard sometimes so being reminded that I am a good kid is key.  I don't hold passion against myself though, God has made me with a fire unlike alot of others.  I don't compare, I just know I can scorch better than anyone - unless you're a Leo - then it's on.  I don't just scorch though, I warm, I help grow, I nourish, I shed light, yeah, I do all of that and whole lot more adding to my list daily.

In times of illness though, or sadness, or anger, or bitterness, life seems to take on a vortex of pain and magnetism.  You attract the same kind of sadness, bitterness, etc. and the opposite of that is also true.  Perhaps the people all around you are depressed for some reason or another.  You really only need to ask a few questions of your besties to find out most people are struggling with one issue or another.  It's their energy and how they cope that you could become more aware of and should become more aware of because it effects you and you effect them.  I want to be a light shining not a flood drowning.  I am choosing to use this time of illness to diminish the sadness associated with it.  I am choosing to use this time to re energize my system, to recharge it, to heal it, to release all that had me in chains, all that I thought was true about myself.  I can only know this moment and I'm getting ready to meditate :)  I go within, not to escape, to increase my awareness, my capacity to know, my energy field so energy and information and come and go freely.  I am using this time to fully engage where I may have gone wrong.  No blame.  No frustration.  No guilt.  That's not the way.  Blame?  Forget about it.  I love me.  I am going to be 50 years young in August and I couldn't be happier.  Healthier?  No.  I couldn't even be healthier because the healthy me I am imagining I am now becoming.  Getting grounded, centered and open is how you start.

 

The future?  I see a lot of wonderful things in my future.  I hold my dreams close in my heart, pray to God and the Angels about it, ask my ancestors for help with it, invoke healers and teachers, people that are much smarter than I am.  As they say in gambling "I'm all in".  I am not taking a single breath with me, or heart beat, or living cell.  I am Spirit, ever evolving and what I am to be I am still becoming, as are you no matter how old you are.  It's never to late to start.  If I told you some of my dreams, you might laugh.  That's probably why I will only share them with the divine and very close friends and family, that I trust.  Most people will crush your dreams because of their own fears.  Guard them then.  I will offer bits and pieces and this blog is one of them.  I know that I know there will be more teaching.

The unified field of all that is supreme will not offend your trust or crush your dreams.  Go there and spend some time.  You get there through silence and meditation and prayer.  I'm going there now and, of course, I will say many prayers for you and I.  My prayer list is every growing.  Once the prayers have been prayed and sent out into the unified field, then I will dissolve. 

We have access to everything; healing, wisdom, love, enlightenment, knowledge, future happenings (just remember, you're creating your future so if you have a premonition and you don't like it, make sure you create something better for yourself). 

In the unified field we are all one.  Winks. 

We are always, only, one. 

Try to stand alone.  You know you can't.  Better break it down.

Relay for Life

In May of 2012, I received the news that I had Stage O Breast Cancer.  That same month I walked in our local Relay for Life in support of two angels, my best friend Rachael and my new best friend MaryLou.  I did the walk to support these two lovelies, but was in complete denial that I myself had cancer.  This is not something you just accept and say - hey, yeah, no problem.  It frightens the life out of you, literally.

Rachael's Dad, Joe passed away at the end of May last year succumbing to brain cancer which was discovered only two short years before after he was in an random accident.  They did a routine examination looking closely at his head and discovered an aggressive tumor.  They gave him only a few years to live, and live he did until his body could no longer survive what was happening in his body despite surgeries, chemo, etc.  It was the saddest thing to watch.  My heart breaks every day for Rachael.  She's heartbroken and will be until she's reunited with her "Padre".

MaryLou, a divorced mother of 3 has Stage 4 Breast Cancer diagnosed several years ago.  Ever since I met MaryLou she has been having one surgery or another, undergoing constant chemotherapy all the while smiling.  She says 'it's because of my kids, I have to be strong for them'.  And that she is. 

After the Relay For Life last year, I had my own battle to wage, and as you've read in past posts, surgery, radiation and the like was the order for the day and now, I'm home with pneumonia thinking long and hard about reality.  It's as if this whole year was a blur - by the way, not quite a year.  Just a mere eight months.

A few months ago, MaryLou contacted me.  She said she 'needed to get her God on' and reached out to me to help her spiritually.  I was more than willing and Rae and I met her for lunch.  She told us she was organizing the Relay for Life this year.  She said she was Chairing the event and she knew that I have planned many events, have done lots of PR work and have lots of connections with regard to sponsors and the like.  She felt like I was the perfect candidate to work with her.  Me?

I was more than happy to lift her up in the Spirit.  Offering her prayers and advice on how to get God back into her psyche more than anything.  She kept saying 'I know this', and 'how did I forget'?  But how can you not forget when the throws of life have you face down on the concrete and you're facing your mortality.  We all know millions of people die of cancer every day.  The reality can be overwhelming and it was especially for me, as I am only now realizing.

These two woman have become a beacon of hope for me encouraging ME to fight the good fight.

This past Friday was the Relay for Life which I did not help coordinate.  I did the best I could encouraging MaryLou, but participate?  Coordinate?  Get involved?  How could I?  I was still fighting.

That being said, when I realized the walk was Friday I couldn't miss it.  As sick as I am, I managed to get out of bed, put on a pink shirt in support that Rae helped me embellish and I registered at the event but this time as a Survivor.  I didn't know that Survivors wear purple not pink.  That revelation brought me to tears instantly.  The organizers who gave me my purple Survivor shirt asked me what type of cancer I had, when I was diagnosed, and I told them that and that I was there despite my pneumonia.  The tears were flowing but the compassion and empathy that these strangers yet kindred spirits gave me was deeply moving.  They hugged me.  They told me it was okay.

It was then I realized that I had a special place of honor among the Survivors.  They had chairs set up in the front row.  Purple shirt cancer survivors, of which I am now obviously one, took their seats and the ceremony began.  MaryLou took her place with the microphone and read her testimony.  She held it together as she described her journey, her mastectomies, her chemotherapy's - which she was still undergoing even only a few days earlier.  Her children and her friends, even the Mayor of Rutherford were all there in support.  After several more speeches, what came next caught me again off guard. 

Had I been sleepwalking all this time?

They announced the Survivors by name.  They called my name and I had to go and receive a purple cancer survivor medal.  MaryLou was called right after me - we basically got our medals together and what an honor to have her right by my side - she's so incredibly strong.  When I look at my struggle vs. hers, and I'm not comparing, she's the warrior.  I'm just a little squirrel trying to get a nut.  She's an amazing woman with the courage of an army of women.  She never faltered.  She was, however, so very happy to see me there and we hugged and shed a tear of hope between us.

Then we walked our Survivor lap.  Together.  Right in the front row holding the Relay for Life sign.  It was surreal.  I realized at that moment that I am a cancer survivor.  All the needles, poking, prodding, scans, tests, biopsies, lumpectomies, radiation - none of it was real until that moment.  I could barely get through my lap.  At the same time, the caretakers are also walking their lap in the opposite direction.  I could see my bestie Rae off in the distance.  She took her caretaker lap last year in honor of her Padre, and this year she took it for both of us.  She was an amazing caretaker to me.  She still is.

When we got closer and closer and the the two groups came together, MaryLou and I both lost our breath.  The support from family and friends that rallied round was gut wrenching.  I realized besides Rae, I was alone.  There was really no one there for me, except the entire Relay for Life community, and that was enough.

After the second lap, I was so completely winded, overwhelmed and frankly so sick I had to sit down.  I couldn't walk another step.  I am still fighting.  I am still sick.  So I sat and let Rae walk around a little more.  She wasn't done yet.  She needed to be there a little longer for her Padre, for MaryLou, for herself and I'm guessing for me.  Her reality is just settling in also.  It's all a lot to accept.  Acceptance is key, as I now know.  I couldn't feel my pulse and felt like I would faint at any moment, but I didn't.  I got through it.  WE got through it.

I called MaryLou the next morning to thank her and to apologize for not helping her with the organizing and of course, she said 'don't be ridiculous'.  She said that when she saw me there she was ecstatic because she knew how empowering it was.  I was embracing the reality of what I had experienced, not poking my head into the ground but looking around and knowing that yeah, I got cancer, I am fighting back and I am a part of something so much bigger than just myself.  This is not something that goes away.  You have this experience and it becomes a part of your life forever.  There is no 'getting over it'.  That's not the way cancer works.  Perhaps a splinter works that way, but not cancer.

I told MaryLou that I am getting involved next year.  MaryLou suggested that I Co-Chair the event with her.  Can you imagine?  What a place of honor.  What an opportunity to give to this community all that I have to offer and for such an amazing cause.  Not for some self glory but for the help of humanity.  MaryLou, of course she's planning on doing it again.  She'll live forever that one.  I told her I would absolutely do the very best I can to organize, promote and fight this deadly disease from the Survivor front line holding my head up high and owning who I am.  I am fearless today.  I've been educated, I've been through it - but know this - if you've not walked in my shoes do not judge me.  Do not have any preconceived notions about what this feels like.  You have no idea, and even after going through it, I still had no idea.

Today is a different day.  Today I will rise to the occasion giving all of my energy toward that which is profitable and that which will yield a harvest of righteousness.  If I can put a smile on just one person's face, if I can help diminish the fear from just one person's heart, if I can raise just one dollar or one more persons awareness that we can find a cure then that's my purpose in life.

If you would like information on the Relay For Life, please visit www.relayforlife.org.  Give, educate yourself, get involved.  It's not just about you, it's about all of us and if one of us is sick, we're all sick.  There is life after life (my new favorite saying) and I will hold your hand.  I promise I will be there.

Got Fear?

I remember things that people tell me long after I hear them.  It sometimes takes time to digest everything that's said and in some cases, so much is said that it's almost impossible to remember everything.  But a couple of nights ago, I had a conversation with a young lady and frankly, I couldn't tell you exactly the topic at this moment, but the thing that stuck in my mind and is glaring at this moment is this statement she made: 

"Fear is a weakness".

I kind of stumbled on the sentence and maybe tilted my head to the side not certain how I felt about that.  It was such a final statement and I just couldn't jump to that conclusion.  I have wrestled with fear from time to time but fear is personal, therefore personally defined.  What you fear, I may not and vice versa.  Of course, there are the more everyday fears that we probably share, but life is a process of overcoming, so perhaps we overcome and really are quite different and unique. 

Well, of course we are.

And, of course we all have fears.  Most of them do not paralyze the more stable human.  Some humans are not so stable though, needing medication and, or medical staff to stabilize them.  That's certainly the extreme and that's probably more about a psychological problem then something to war against.

All of that being said, when I heard that statement a few days ago, it had a lesser impact on me then when I played it over in my head today.

Today is a pretty important day as it pertains to personal fear.  Today I went to Holy Name Hospital for routine Mammography and a follow up Sonogram for a cyst that was carefully documented last year as probably nothing.  I don't know about you, but if you've ever had your breasts examined, it's a pretty amazing and awful experience all at the same time.

Of course the pressure on the breasts and the awkwardness of having to be bare breasted to begin with is well, cold and painful.  The embarrassment or shame quickly diminishes when the pain and pressure kick in from two cold, plastic hmmmm how can I put it...take out your plastic vegetable drawers from the refrigerator and press your breast in between them - nooo, much harder and you must stand like a crooked fence, bending over, hand up, head up, butt out, chest down - no up, in a little, pressing harder, harder, hahhaa no harder - you don't realize how flat a breast can be until you apply just a little more pressure... and now - DON'T MOVE!  DON'T BREATHE!

TICK!  TICK!  TICK!  TICK!  TICK!

....psssshhhhhh and then release the plastic vegetable drawers from your breasts and you will know how that feels.  We're going to do that a few more times on the same breast, in a few more awkward positions and then we'll do the left.

After that, if the pictures are not clear, we will repeat the above until the images are clear enough.  In my case, it was THREE sets of pictures for each breast.  You do the math and by the way, no, I do not want vegetables for dinner.

Oh, and don't forget the sonogram.  Dark room, bare breasted, at least I got to recline and then squirrrrrrrrrt - hot k y jelly or a substance similar to that - they actually warm it to make you more comfortable 0_o and then the imaging with what looks like a four inch wide, one inch thick tool that's rolled over and over and over with occasional clicking noises, which clearly indicate - something is there.

Hopefully for you, nothing is ever there.  For me, the scare I had last year was put out of my mind like trash from a second ago.  Once the Dr. told me it was probably nothing and just come back in a short while and we'll look at it again, I really didn't even think of it.

I'm happy to say that the cyst is exactly the same as last mammogram and the Dr. has no concerns about it,  however. . .

What?

However. 

And then "Fear is weakness" popped into my head, but it was too late.

I became fearful and tried to stay in the moment and retain every single word the Dr. was saying to me, but it was like the conversation I had with my friend the other night, the words were coming out faster than I could absorb them.  Even as I type this to you now, the Dr. spoke to me only less than two hours ago.  I was compelled to write since I have to process this and this is really the only way I now how.  BTW, I do apologize for being so distant.

I have so much to share with you.

But, today, it's about fear.  My fear as it relates to illness, I guess.

Not to bore you with my medical history, but I have one.  I guess we all do.

I was born breach (keep your silly comments to yourself, I've heard them all) with one leg shorter than the other.  My Mother (whom I adore xoxo <3) was determined that I would not be handicapped and she exercised my little legs continuously stimulating them until viola! I was perfectly fine.  Those braces I had to wear helped although she tells me I was inconsolable for the first year of my life.  I cried until I took my first steps.  I don't remember any of that.

Then I had ear problems "going deaf" as my Mom put it, Dr.'s put tubes and tonsils taken out.  I had asthma with no real relief as a child, still do, but I take Symbicort every day and that has helped me tremendously, and then things were quiet.

It was quiet up until recently, and when I say recently, I mean in the past ten years or so.  Really, since I became a Reiki Master.  So much has come to the surface, this is just the physical we're speaking of now, the Spiritual and the mental have also had many changes and purifications, but the fear I'm speaking of pertains to the physical body and it's vulnerabilities.

I had finger surgery to remove a tumor of all things (which I'm trying to heal and prevent from coming back).  You can read my past blog (pictures too if your not too squeamish) about it.  The tip of my middle finger had to have reconstructive surgery and man, THAT was painful. 

I had a partial hysterectomy from fibroids that were bleeding like gravity was trying to bleed me dry.  That was horrific...the pain, the bleeding, the surgery, the recovery.  All things considered though, I would've done anything to stop the profuseness of the bleeding so cut me if you must, and they did.  There was much relief afterward.  I'm so very thankful to God for the medical industry.

Then I broke my right arm (of course I'm a righty).  Talk about pain and struggle. 

Thankfully this has all happened over the course of my 48 years.  To suffer it all at once, well that would be cruel.  But, I realize that I am well acquainted with suffering of the physical kind.

So now, back to Holy Name Hospital where the Dr. is telling me I've got some issues.  I won't really know until the end of April what issues I have and if they're issues at all.  I need to go for some biopsies on both breasts.

Dr. Joshua D. Gross, MD had the pleasure of reading my films.  He asked me to join him so that I could get a clear picture of what my breasts look like from the inside.  I had seen them on the sonogram while I was being examined, but this was the Captain's Chair! It looked like something out of a Star Trek episode.  There were breast images on three sides of Dr. Gross being displayed on a total of six flat screens, and they were huge. 

He's a warm looking, blue-eyed older gentlemen dutifully wearing his white Dr.'s jacket and ya mica and salt and pepper beard and mustache.  I remembered him from last time.  He smiled a lot for someone in his profession.  I was trying to read between the lines and his eyes while he was addressing me to see what my news was all about.

I've had mammography since I'm 40, so I know that where there is nothing on the film to discuss, they politely send you home.  This was an official meeting and the full impact of where I was sitting kind of struck me.

The compassion I felt for all the lovely women who have sat where I was sitting, receiving life changing news came over me in a flash.  One minute it was about them and the next about me.  He's looking at me.  He's talking to me.  He's looking and talking to me about what a large majority of human beings succumb to in this lifetime.  I know some beautiful people struggling and fighting as I type and as you read.  Please pray for anyone who is struggling with cancer. 

It was surreal.

I guess you can say the news is indeterminable in that more tests are needed to detect if any illness in my breasts.  He showed me what was concerning him.  He showed me white calcification's which looked literally like tiny white dots, very unassuming, and a darker mass (small) that the sound waves were not penetrating, or casting a shadow or both.  Hard to remember.  I just know I need further testing that won't happen for a few weeks and then two days of waiting for the results.

The tears started to flow without my permission.

Dr. Gross politely got me tissue saying that he would normally have them ready when giving someone bad news.  I guess that was very positive, since they were not in the readied position when he knew emphatically that he had a very sick woman to tend to. 

This was not that day for me, thank God, however.

However, I am fearful of the unknown and with so many people around me struggling, it's hard not to imagine the worst case scenario.  We've seen the movies, we've heard the stories, and in some cases, we've watched our love ones survive and then, not so much, so it is a real fear and a real concern.

A weakness?  Perhaps for someone other than me.  Fear for me in this case, is something that propels me forward.  Most fear paralyses but I'm more interested in what I can do, not what I can not.  If I cannot move I cannot help myself.  I need to be moving in the right direction and while fear may visit, it cannot live here.

I am acquainted with fear and sickness and I have respect for both since they teach us so very much about the human condition and resilience.  They also teach us about the brilliance of some humans (healers in particular) and the amazing, unconditional love, caring and tenderness of care takers.  Have you ever watched a nurse care for a sick person, or perhaps you had a nurse that you'll never forget?  These experiences come from very painful, scary circumstances, but have a purpose and deserve respect for such is life.

I have a plan for the next few weeks.  I'm going to take very good care of myself and get myself all built up in the Spirit and in the Physical and psyche myself out in the mental.  I've already declared my body a cancer free zone, I really do not feel like I have cancer in my body.  If I even get a splinter, all cells fire warning shots, so while I initially may be freaked out with fear, I know my body. 

Calmer minds prevail here.

Calmer Spirits.

Calmer Bodies.

I know that I God is closer to me in these situations than any other... and I will praise Him because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; His works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-15

So, today's message is about fear, a place I visit but leave shortly thereafter. 

I share this with you in case you are afraid. 

If I could, I would hold you and tell you that it's okay to be afraid, we would acknowledge the fear, look at it, and offer it up to God in faith based prayers that's intention is to set your soul free.

You can develop so many wonderful virtues from things like fear and illness.  I am hopeful that this will be the case for me.  I am hopeful that my fear and my illnesses in the past and their experiences can help someone, encourage someone, bring us closer together in our suffering, in our praise and worship of the glory of this lifetime.  It is glorious and wondrous and wonderful.  Even in our suffering.

Nevertheless, L'Chaim! which means literally, to life!

Let's live every blessed day of it one lovely second at a time.  It's all good.

Namaste and with much love,

Maria