Monday, September 22, 2008

channeling through

please don't let me flounder

in this moment

in the moonlight

in my hunger

I'm trying to understand and

make manifest my plans

by waving away fear and pain

and telling hard truths today

just like yesterday's searching

still rehearsing

patterns of thought that lead

or misdirect

to truth

to future

to freedom

to love now

it completes me somehow

confuses me too

channeling through

to the other side of understanding

best slow it down some

since listening is key and

creation is found in stillness

Am I wanting too much

or will it all come to me

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Grandmother Violet's short visit

Okay, I need to take a break from my finger.

My late Grandmother Violet came to me in my dreams last night.

She kissed me and hugged me expressing how much she loved me and missed me.

It was so real.

I could feel her.

The feeling was so strong.

I woke up with such a happy feeling of belonging and being loved so very much. It was a very precious dream. Or was it?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

pain is a four letter word

So, the nurse took nine stitches out of my finger this morning.

She called in an assistant to hold my finger while she poked and pulled the blue stitching up to the surface. She used a clamp and small scissors, cutting string one by one.

Everything was fine until she made a uh-oh sound and then started to speak in a way that was alarming to me.

Nurse: "Okay. I have to get this stitch out and, it's uh, in between your nail and your skin".
(The nail you ask? It was removed for the surgery. Then replaced to help the finger heal - yes, removed, replaced and I'm told will fall off and grow back, way on down the road. Yay.)
Nurse looks directly into Patient's eyes.

Patient: "Okay, everybody BACK OFF me"!

I wanted to bolt out of the room. I felt crowded. I got claustrophobic. . .I placed my head in between my legs and tried to breathe normally.

I know one thing about medical professionals. They are just like construction workers, who are just like carpenters, who are just like plumbers. They tell you it will take two weeks to do your renovation nay! reconstruction - and we all know that they lie like the rugs they lay. Two weeks turns into a month and the money due is usually tripled.
Medical professionals are no different.

Dr. Giampapa told me I was going to feel some discomfort.

Let me tell you...pain is a four letter word and she's a bitch!
Nobody fully prepares you for meeting her and unless you meet her face to face, you will not be fully acquainted.

That's what he should've told me before the surgery. That's what I'd tell anyone going in for reconstructive surgery on their finger tip.

Old Patient to New Patient: "You my friend, are going to become well acquainted with pain, so prepare yourself!"

I appreciated the nurse's candor, but perhaps that was not the right time for me to be told to bite the bullet. Less is more when you're in the middle of it.

Before, definitely. After, too late. During, not so much.

I felt like I was going to faint.

The blood began draining from my head and I got queasy.

The nurse and her assistant began scurrying out the door and back in with a bucket that at first I guessed they'd use if I got sick. But it was filled with ice water and gauze.
They began placing wet, gauze compresses on my forehead, the back of my neck, and my wrists. It calmed me somewhat.

But I seriously had to calm myself down - she had only taken out half of the the damn stitches.
I stabilized and I asked to continue. I needed this torture to be over.

Pull, tug, snip. Pull, tug, snip - ooouuuuuchhhhh, a few tears and I got through it.
It actually wasn't that bad. We all agree, the worst (pain) is over.
Whew! A few deep cleansing breaths, ahhhhh, much better.

They bandaged me up for another two weeks. I still have to keep it elevated and bathe it in baby shampoo everyday. It's still painful to the bone, disgusting, white, unrecognizable and so far, completely useless.

They have assured me it's doing what it's supposed to be doing.

What? You want to see another picture.

Okay, but this was yesterday, so still stitched up.

Tomorrow, when I change the dressing, I'll take another shot.

Here you go... but's ugly.

Listen, I told you! I didn't lie did I? : *(

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Mending, Knitting Finger

How could I forget?

Jim's been doing it most of his life and it is Sunday after all.

I didn't actually forget, I just didn't realize that today was opening day for football. The Cedar Grove Panthers have been a mainstay in our lives and they completely eluded me this morning.

In my mind, I was working up to going out to maybe get some breakfast with my love. I even thought of taking a ride to Costco for blueberries. Maybe a little ride in the Smart car.

But no.

Today is Jim's big opening day and I can't believe I didn't even think about it this morning.

In my defense, I had hand surgery to remove bone and reconstruct my fingertip on September 3rd. Since then, I've been incapacitated.

My body/mind/spirit has been preoccupied somewhat. That sucks for me twice, since when I remembered that today was football day, it unexpectedly brought me to tears.

I've been in terrific pain, unable to do much of anything with my right hand, trying to send myself Reiki and positive, healing thoughts. It's hard but not impossible.

The pain changes and subsides. It increases to unbearable and then calms down again to a simmer.

That goes for both physical and emotional.

Sure, it's just a fingertip - an unrecognizable, swollen, disgusting, y incised, pasty white, bruised, stitched up through the nail 9 times, hyper sensitive, throbbing

...ugggghhh...need I say more?

I will post a picture of it...will you be okay with that?

We're in this together after all right? it goes...

Nasty huh?

Did I mention my fingers are all stiffening and I might have to have physical therapy later down the road, and I've had to keep my hand above my heart for the last 288 hours and counting?

The good news? Yes, there's always good news and a bright side ...

Today is opening day for football and it just so happens to be my five year anniversary for quitting smoking! I have not smoked a single cigarette in five years! I will never smoke cigarettes again and trust me, if I didn't start in the last eleven days, I never will.
How did I remember that? I didn't. QuitNet Email Service reminded me.

And, today I am getting acquainted with my left hand. So far, as you can see I can type with my left hand. Not 90 wpm like with both, but, I hack away at it.

I can almost carry hot tea with confidence, but not really.

I can feed myself as long as there is no meat cutting or spaghetti twirling.

I have limitations. That's okay. I have pain. That's okay too, for now.

I have to figure out a new way of doing most of the things we take for granted.

Showering for instance. Try holding your right hand, sealed in plastic - virtually useless - above your heart, nay! above your head for the duration of the shower (do not get it wet!). Now wash up. Soap in face cloth, lather, put soap down, (no cheating...and if you don't drop the soap you are cheating! Ah, no problem right?

What about your left arm?

Trust me. It ain't easy.

Neither is brushing your teeth, getting dressed, brushing/drying/washing your hair, putting on makeup or plucking your eyebrows (which I have not even tried). I can't imagine putting on mascara with my left hand.

Oh, and my poor house is getting messy. Jim is working, coaching, sleeping, there's little time for chores, but he chips in. It's just not the same and it won't be for some time to come.

Did I mention that people notice the bandaged middle finger ... I guess it's odd.

This finger is going to take a while to heal. I just don't want to lose more time than I've already lost. My stitches are supposed to come out on Wednesday, but from what I see, no way. Not yet.

Either way, patience is the order of the day. And writing important stuff on the calendar, lest we forget. Oh yeah, I miss writing too.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

summer fleeting

I dreamt of this image last night.
Summer is not interested in going gently into the night.

Not in my heart anyway.
So, here's to Summer . . .
PS i've undergone hand surgery so ... more pics, less typing ...
Love & Namaste

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Contemplating the Seasons

Photo by Maria - Fall 2007

So here we are smack dab in the beginning of a new Fall Season in the Garden State. Incredibly some leaves on the trees are turning a golden reddish hue and in some cases, they're falling off the trees already.

I'm not ready for falling leaves. But I have been known to rake if need be.

Raking leaves reminds me of two of my most favorite people, my late grandparents Mary & Walter. Nanny & Poppy.

We always raked leaves together. Back then you could burn them in a pile in the street which Poppy did, while Nanny kept us away at a ridiculously safe distance. Sweet.

Fall smelled of changing and burning leaves, pumpkin and apple pie, back to school, cheer leading and football, hot chocolate and Nanny & Poppy.

Ahhhh pumpkin and apple pies. I'm burning two candles right now and they're driving me crazy. One is pumpkin spice and the other is apple pie. My house smells like a heavenly bakery.

I wish I knew how to bake really yummy pies. I suppose I could always learn. I had to learn to love pies as I grew up. I wasn't very fond of spicy and tart foods - I liked things bland and simple.

It wasn't until I got much older that I developed a palate.

Maybe I'll even attempt to bake a pumpkin pie this year : p

I found the biggest pine cone in my back yard the other day. There are dozens of pine trees behind the house and typically their cones are average size at best. The one I found was at least six inches long! Somebody told me that means that we're going to have a rough Winter and although he was a real ass - I think he might be right. Ugggggghhhh.

We've been through rough Winters before, we'll get through them again.
There is definitely something wonderful about the changing of the seasons.

Maybe the seasons change to remind us to change with every fresh, crisp start. They change and help us remember when really important stuff happens during our lives. You know, so that every moment doesn't bleed into everything else.

To me, seasons are a cyclical reminder on a grand scale from Mother Earth that none of our existence is static. It's organic. It's changing all the time. Maybe we should too.

The Summer, Fall, Winter and Spring of it all has it's significance otherwise it wouldn't exist, right? It couldn't possibly be just about the weather. Could it?

Photo by Maria - Fall 2007