I remember things that people tell me long after I hear them. It sometimes takes time to digest everything that's said and in some cases, so much is said that it's almost impossible to remember everything. But a couple of nights ago, I had a conversation with a young lady and frankly, I couldn't tell you exactly the topic at this moment, but the thing that stuck in my mind and is glaring at this moment is this statement she made:
"Fear is a weakness".
Today is a pretty important day as it pertains to personal fear. Today I went to Holy Name Hospital for routine Mammography and a follow up Sonogram for a cyst that was carefully documented last year as probably nothing. I don't know about you, but if you've ever had your breasts examined, it's a pretty amazing and awful experience all at the same time.
Of course the pressure on the breasts and the awkwardness of having to be bare breasted to begin with is well, cold and painful. The embarrassment or shame quickly diminishes when the pain and pressure kick in from two cold, plastic hmmmm how can I put it...take out your plastic vegetable drawers from the refrigerator and press your breast in between them - nooo, much harder and you must stand like a crooked fence, bending over, hand up, head up, butt out, chest down - no up, in a little, pressing harder, harder, hahhaa no harder - you don't realize how flat a breast can be until you apply just a little more pressure... and now - DON'T MOVE! DON'T BREATHE!
....psssshhhhhh and then release the plastic vegetable drawers from your breasts and you will know how that feels. We're going to do that a few more times on the same breast, in a few more awkward positions and then we'll do the left.
I'm happy to say that the cyst is exactly the same as last mammogram and the Dr. has no concerns about it, however. . .
I have so much to share with you.
Then I had ear problems "going deaf" as my Mom put it, Dr.'s put tubes and tonsils taken out. I had asthma with no real relief as a child, still do, but I take Symbicort every day and that has helped me tremendously, and then things were quiet.
Then I broke my right arm (of course I'm a righty). Talk about pain and struggle.
Thankfully this has all happened over the course of my 48 years. To suffer it all at once, well that would be cruel. But, I realize that I am well acquainted with suffering of the physical kind.
So now, back to Holy Name Hospital where the Dr. is telling me I've got some issues. I won't really know until the end of April what issues I have and if they're issues at all. I need to go for some biopsies on both breasts.
I've had mammography since I'm 40, so I know that where there is nothing on the film to discuss, they politely send you home. This was an official meeting and the full impact of where I was sitting kind of struck me.
This was not that day for me, thank God, however.
However, I am fearful of the unknown and with so many people around me struggling, it's hard not to imagine the worst case scenario. We've seen the movies, we've heard the stories, and in some cases, we've watched our love ones survive and then, not so much, so it is a real fear and a real concern.
A weakness? Perhaps for someone other than me. Fear for me in this case, is something that propels me forward. Most fear paralyses but I'm more interested in what I can do, not what I can not. If I cannot move I cannot help myself. I need to be moving in the right direction and while fear may visit, it cannot live here.
I am acquainted with fear and sickness and I have respect for both since they teach us so very much about the human condition and resilience. They also teach us about the brilliance of some humans (healers in particular) and the amazing, unconditional love, caring and tenderness of care takers. Have you ever watched a nurse care for a sick person, or perhaps you had a nurse that you'll never forget? These experiences come from very painful, scary circumstances, but have a purpose and deserve respect for such is life.
I have a plan for the next few weeks. I'm going to take very good care of myself and get myself all built up in the Spirit and in the Physical and psyche myself out in the mental. I've already declared my body a cancer free zone, I really do not feel like I have cancer in my body. If I even get a splinter, all cells fire warning shots, so while I initially may be freaked out with fear, I know my body.
Calmer minds prevail here.
I know that I God is closer to me in these situations than any other... and I will praise Him because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; His works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-15
So, today's message is about fear, a place I visit but leave shortly thereafter.
I share this with you in case you are afraid.
If I could, I would hold you and tell you that it's okay to be afraid, we would acknowledge the fear, look at it, and offer it up to God in faith based prayers that's intention is to set your soul free.
You can develop so many wonderful virtues from things like fear and illness. I am hopeful that this will be the case for me. I am hopeful that my fear and my illnesses in the past and their experiences can help someone, encourage someone, bring us closer together in our suffering, in our praise and worship of the glory of this lifetime. It is glorious and wondrous and wonderful. Even in our suffering.
Nevertheless, L'Chaim! which means literally, to life!
Let's live every blessed day of it one lovely second at a time. It's all good.
Namaste and with much love,