A Rebel Grows in the Garden

My life is always a little sweet and a little savory, a little sour and a little salty, a whole lotta hot and a whole lotta cold.  You know it.  You experience all the textures, just like I do.  Some feel better than others, at least that's what we tell ourselves.  Truth is, it's all fucking beautiful!  All of it.

When you observe life through the unrestricted lens of the "non-attached observer", and judgment and criticism goes by the wayside, it's a pretty beautiful view.  Arrogance, fear and control also can not exist on this plane.  The only thing that exists is, trusting in All That Is.  And, "All That Is" is beautiful.

Come on up to the mountain top (this is a real place of peace within).  Sit.  Breathe deeply.  Softly gaze at all there is to see.  I spend most of my time here now.  I now navigate my life from this perspective.  It's taken my whole life to get here and I loved every step.  It has been an amazing climb.  There were plenty of times I thought I wouldn't make it.  There were plenty of times the thought of quitting occurred to me.  But I never quit.  I had a lot of help!  I asked, pleaded and prayed for help, strength and guidance and by the grace of God, and by my sheer will, I persevered.

Needless to say, I shall not be going back down any time soon.  I'm going to enjoy this warm mOment for now.

Close your eyes.  Look and breathe from your heart.

There is a mighty tender view here, a most holy circumstance.  The only things that exist here are you and now, your beating heart, your breath, your incredible capacity and ability to see and deeply love all of creation, with your intention.  Source is also here doing the same thing, loving the whole of creation.  Through you, in you and about you, Source (God, Jesus, Great Spirit, Creator - the One who has many names and no name) is, always was and ALWAYS will be.

Breathe all of that in.  This is a really beautiful place to see.  I love seeing from this view.

There is still plenty of time to be all that you came here to be.  It only takes a mOment to lean into the softness of the magic soul soil again, to come down from fearful, lofty illusions and climb into one of the inner, soulful mountains of trust and deep knowing.  Look again with the eyes of your inner child who smiles towards the Cosmos that you are.  Take one purposeful step up inside toward peace again.  Lean your whole life and soul in this time.  It's deeper, wider and higher than you remember.  It's more than what you thought from that old, arrogant perspective.  It's always more real and vibrant than we give it credit for.  It never dulls.  It always shines.  It's light after all.  And, LIGHT is more you than you are you.


Look up with hands in the soil of your life again.  You are planting a beautiful garden of memories and stories, successes and failures, beliefs, myths, reasons, patterns, and programs.  This is the technology of your life.  You can become a proficient and skilled Master of this technology.  All the keys and directives are deep within.  Yup!  Sure you can read inspiring and very thought provoking materials, but the Godhead, Source, Light, Spark of Divinity lies deep within.  You must go within.  There are mountains (beautiful mountains that your soul deeply knows and desires to return to, more than anything) of love just waiting for you but it does take some beautiful effort getting to, otherwise we'd all be here together by now.  There is an exchange for information.  You lean in, you put forth the effort, you sweat a little, you climb a little, and you get way more in return than you could have ever bargained for.

You know with just a little sincere introspective, a key (code, instruction, idea) will be given to you.  A key, when used, will unlock the next part of the path that leads to the most amazing love vistas and love plateaus.  It's all about expanding consciousness and connecting to your Creator on a very deep and very spiritual level.

You probably have some keys lying around the house just begging to be used.  You may have thought they were useless, you know the ones;  forgiveness, unconditional love, non-judgement, service to others, selflessness, kindness, goodness.  Perhaps they didn't shine just right, or perhaps they were tiny and seemed insignificant.  Perhaps you were concerned about what others would think of you if you used them.  So what?!  Who cares what others think?  (The Ego that's who, but that's a chakra of a different color ;).  Use them.  Use those keys!!  You must.  They are precious gifts.  They are precious alchemy.  Not one should ever be wasted.  And, no new keys are given until all keys are used anyway, so if you're stuck, and you cannot move forward, go find the key that opens up the door that seems to be blocking your progress.

It's just cosmic sense.

This is all about becoming the peaceful, loving, light Source energy being that you truly are.  Whenever we go in the opposite direction, there is a real drag of energetic frequency.  You feel it.  Everybody does.  Vibe up.  Breathe.  Smile.  You got this.

Remember, it's much easier leaning into happiness than holding onto an energetic grudge of any kind.  It takes much more energy and effort to do the latter, so embrace the former and let it go!  Then you will truly be "going with the flow" of energy in it's most natural and most powerful state.  Just be sure to clean up the energetic residual with a ritual, i.e., a sincere conversation to 'clear the air', apologies,  forgivenesses, hugs and sincere desires to move forward from a healthy, supportive place, sage, palo santo, etc..  Healthy growth happens in healthy souls and environments.  The land must always be tilled before new seeds can be planted.  Again, just cosmic sense ;) tee hee.

This beautiful life is all about becoming the master of your own vibration, the master of your own co-creations, the master of your own emotions and experiences.  No one is making you anything.  You are doing it all.  Look inside at all that you've created and if there is anything you do not particularly love, look at it again with more love this time.  Thank it and make a prayer about good change that could come to it.  Create something you love right there using the old bones of what didn't work.  Bless your creation.  Do not criticize it.  Let it be rocket fuel to your growing knowing.  Gratitude and appreciation will bless everything you do if you welcome it in and add it to your garden.

Our lights surely shine together.  We can root new seeds of passion in this beautiful light, a much higher truth.  We can unite and we can root new seeds of kindness, becoming and growing into so much more together.

This is my vision of beauty and love.  I love peace.  I love beauty and I love love (I also love gardening lol!).  What else can I say?  This is what I have become.

What are you becoming?

Oh, and I couldn't have gotten here without a rebellious attitude.  It's been too much for many, and not enough for some.  It's been just right for me.

Here's a rebellious video for you below.  You've probably seen it before, and I just love it.  I am not the status quo.  God forbid.  No, heaven did not make me that way.  Put it this way, I love vanilla ice cream, but there is nothing vanilla about me.

 #thisisit

If I'm Smart

Spiritually speaking, I am in the desert, so just now when I heard the rain, I ran to the door.  I stepped outside and stood under the awning listening as the rain became heavier and heavier.  I thought of the many people that instinctively avoid the rain by dashing in between drops, grabbing umbrellas and running for cover.  I felt the mist on my bare legs as I stood there in my t-shirt and shorts.  That's when it occurred to me.

When was the last time I deliberately stood in the pouring rain without any concern for getting soaking wet?

I could remember a time, years ago, when an old acquaintance and I went jogging in the rain.  It was his preference.  He loved it and wanted me to share in that love, so I joined him.  It was fun and exciting and pretty romantic.  I realized today that that was way too long ago, so I did the only natural thing.  I took two steps forward and left the shelter of my awning.  I stood in the pouring rain, facing the sky, hands held high.  The rain got heavier and heavier and as I began to get soaked, I asked God to do a few things for me.

I felt the warmth of the ground underneath my bare feet.  I felt the back of my Rejoice t-shirt becoming soaked with water and as it touched my back, the coolness was refreshing and shocking all at once.  We've had a bit of a heat wave here in NJ for the past several days, and I felt as parched as the atmosphere, the grass, the trees, and my potted plants that I've been so desperately trying to keep hydrated.  Without water, of course, they would perish, as their water source either comes from the sky, a human, or it just doesn't come at all.  The grass goes into hibernation, the trees, somehow, withstand the cold, the heat, droughts.  Trees amaze me with their fortitude and strength.  Potted plants, however, need the potters attention, love, nourishment and care.  I am that potter and I care for what is mine very much.  Maybe when it comes to me though, I lose touch.  After all, I am not the potter of myself.  Someone, something, has potted me, has allowed me this life, this breath, this moment, and if in this moment I am withering, it is the Master Potter who needs to tend to me.

I asked God to take away my pain and sadness.  I asked God to wash me clean and let all the impurities pour into the ground, into Mother Earth, and be reborn as something better.  I stood in the rain and asked God to notice me, to not forsake me, to renew my spirit, mind, body and soul.  I got soaked.

The rain has since stopped and I've come inside.  I took off my soaking wet Rejoice t-shirt and shorts and wrapped myself in the comfort of one of my long, white, cotton robes.  I took my hair out of its pony tail and brushed it as lovingly as I could.  I could feel the prana running through my body and trust me, after all the illness and drugs I've had to endure, this was an altogether much better feeling to be aware of.  I feel less sad.  I made myself a cup of tea and sat down at the computer.  As I sipped the hot tea I just made for myself, I thought of this blog and the fact that I've been posting so much about the physical and hardly anything about the spiritual.  I realize that it's partly because I've been so sick and partly because I haven't felt very spiritual.  I do feel somewhat like a worm that a bird dropped in the desert on its way back to feed its young.  The bird trying desperately to hang on to its catch, namely me, inadvertently dropped me and I landed in the worst possible of places. 

Lying in the arid desert is no place for spirit.  Or is it?

While standing in the pouring rain, I looked at all that was alive around me.  Everything was getting soaked, every leaf, every tree, every blade of grass, every delicate flower.  I could feel the somewhat localized yet universal sigh of relief after not having anything to drink for so long and then this abundance of grace.  I felt as if I belonged to all of it and I felt like it appreciated my 'free to experience the moment' presence all the while taking in what it had been waiting for for so long, and that's when I realized the desert is as appropriate a place as the side of the raging river.  Both offer an abundance of wisdom, knowledge and experience.  Both are spiritual places. 

Yes, I've been in the raging river and have enjoyed the laziness along side of it, but to be so far away from it, this I really have not enjoyed.  The dark night of soul is not an enjoyable experience.  The worm, when it realizes it will never make it back to source, gives itself over to the inevitable but the human knows better.  The human knows that one day it will return to source, one way or the other. 

For me, I am still walking out of the desert after just experiencing the best water mirage of my life.  It was so real.  It was so wet and it was so natural and unexpected.  So what am I worried about?  God would never leave me completely although the desert mirage is just as real.  One way or the other I will find my God and my God will find me, wanting. 

The world could never possibly fill my heart the way that rainfall did.  The world could never satisfy my thirst the way I know God can.  Even when my cup is empty, there is a cloud off in the distance with my name on it.  God has fashioned it this way.  He has made the high places, as well as the low.  He has allowed happiness and fullness of spirit, and he also allows sadness and emptiness.  He created the sand as well as the ocean.

If I'm smart, I will not avoid a single drop of rain but allow my soul to be submerged with an open heart, a clear conscience, and a desire to live another day, despite my circumstances.  If I'm smart, I will try to remember the raging river while in the desert.  If I'm smart, I will remember the laziness along side of the river as I battle and try to swim upstream.  If I'm smart, I will remember how wet it once felt while being as dry as I've ever been. 

"If" I'm smart.

Fresh News from the Force

Today, my beautiful niece Tori graduates High School and I'm missing it.  I have shed a few tears but there is really nothing I can do about it, so I accept.  I couldn't fly now physically so I can only go by remote viewing.  If you don't know what that is, it's kind of like prayer but way more in depth.  Our military uses it.  It can be quite useful at times like these, but nothing beats the real deal of hugging and kissing your loved ones.  Tori is my God daughter and I was there for every major event in her life and this one is just too far out of reach for me.  I will not soon forget that the path I am on has prevented my participation, not my choice.  Choices are very different and I stand behind every other choice I've made.  I have to.  I support me and my decisions, right or wrong, because I am still learning, growing, willing and alive.

 

I wish my niece a lifetime of successes just like the one she's going to achieve today.  I will envision her College graduation, her wedding, her babies.  I am truly there one way or the other.

As I've blogged about in the recent past, I have been under Doctor's care - for way too long now - but trying still to recover from the side effects of radiation treatment.  Of course I'm speaking of radiation pneumonitis and a 'burned' lung.  The course of treatment has been an excruciating round of Prednisone.

The old roller coaster "Jet Star" at Seaside, NJ after Superstorm Sandy.  An amazing image of how life can twist and turn, in a heartbeat.  It's finally been removed from the water and they're rebuilding a new one perhaps naming it 'Superstorm".  Somethings need to be removed, reconstructed, recycled.  It's all good.

For those of you who are not familiar with Prednisone, here are the basics:  it is a very strong steroid used mostly to treat inflammation and cancer.  I'm taking it to minimize the inflammation in my lungs.  It has terrible side effects and you need to be monitored closely if taking it more than a week.  In my case, at least a minimum of 10 weeks, but who knows?  I am closely being monitored.  Currently my dosage is still at 30 mgs daily, down 10 from 40 mgs.  Thank God for that.  At 40 mgs of predinisone I thought I would just about lose my mind.  It's a very hyper active, roller coaster, one minute you're up and the next your crashing drug and for someone who is very sensitive to caffeine (coffee - never, tea - yes, coca-cola - if after 3pm, up all night) I felt as if I could just about fly around the room.  All of this is a false sense of energy mind you.  The down side is a crashing effect.  Finally sleep arrives at the most inopportune times - like in the afternoon.

The side effects are ridiculous.  Insomnia, increased appetite, water retention (or lovingly referred to as 'moon face';  not lovingly by me, I might add), anxiety, increased heart rate, shaking hands, confusion and the list continues.  As the dosage diminishes, I am hopeful that I will return to a normal state of being but I am working so very hard at countering these side effects with sleep, when I can get it, rest, Xanax (up from .25 mgs to .50 mgs - supposed to take 3 x's a day - but I only take it when necessary.  Yes, still taking it every day but not 3 x's and mostly to sleep at night).  Regardless, sleep is elusive.  I wake up around 2ish every morning if I was lucky enough to fall asleep in the first place, around 11ish.  It's a tough battle especially since I seemed to get through radiation treatment with much more ease.  I hadn't realized that this was even a possibility - the side effects to radiation treatment, that is.

During this time, I have however, begun to do some much needed energy work on myself.  After the first two weeks of trying to recover from 'pneumonia' with antibiotics to no avail and loosing almost 15 + pounds, and then after the next two weeks of trying to recover from radiation pneumonitis with Prednisone, Ive gained all the weight back and I am now 2 more weeks further along and can finally say I think I am starting to think straight again.  What a long, strange trip it's been.

If you need more information on Prednisone, please look it up.  There is way too much information about it and most of it is scary.  I chose the path of Western medicine for the most part to treat Stage 0 Breast Cancer knowing all I knew about energy healing, being a Reiki Master myself, and hearing all the guru's in the world I've listened to.  The results are in, I am in remission and overcoming the side effects.

However.

If I had known then what I know now I may have done things differently.  Let me rephrase that - I am doing things differently.  While I need to stay the course and finish the prescribed treatment 'lest I wind up in a mental institution (yeah, you can't just stop taking prednisone - it's crazy dangerous and I've been on it for too long) I have to finish and ween off of it.  In the meantime, I am taking a good, long hard look at my life, the way I've lived, my belief systems, my habits, my thoughts, my religion, my practices, my rituals, my spirit, my past, my present and the future I am planning.  I realize that I have been playing it too small and living a life that was insecure, suppressed and foolish. 

Sometimes, you need a jolt.  Sometimes, you need more than a jolt, like maybe a bolt of lightning to strike you.  It's not enough that it sometimes strikes your neighbor, burns their whole life to the ground if only an ash lands on your front porch.  It may not be enough.  For me, it was my house.  It was me that was being struck by lightning and what I chose to do with my scorched everything is paramount to my existence, my healing, my future, and yours if I'm a healer, shaman, helper.

Through meditation, journaling, prayer, eating organic, just starting to try and stretch again practicing yoga, reading and doing my own healing work, I realize that the necessary changes are already happening.

I've never really enjoyed tread mills or stationary bikes.  They literally take you no where.  You go through the motions and while they get your heart rate up and increase your strength physically, you're still going no where.  If you wake up in the morning and have the 'same old, same old', well, there it is.  Can't today we do something different?  Perhaps there is a new way of doing the 'same old' that will bring about an even better result than what you've convinced yourself is the tried and true method.

My whole life has been about trying to be open minded.  I have failed miserably as I look back on this.  I remember certain individuals trying to bring different information to me but because I was steeped in Catholicism and Christianity, and a lot of it had to do with fear, I resisted even looking at it.  Fear is weird like that.  What's even weirder is that we really don't even realize we're doing it, it's just what we've always done.  Well, I'm blasting down the doors with dynamite today my friends.  There is so much wonderful information 'out there' that we need not be afraid of.  First, let go of the fear.  Then pray about it.  Then read everything you can get your hands on, and pray some more.  Meditate.  What you need will stay with you.  What you don't will fall by the way side or come back even stronger and louder than even the tiniest seed that you may have thought the loving sun wouldn't find important.  What seed doesn't grow in fertile dirt, water, mud and sunlight?

It's all in me, it always has been.  I have the power to change my mind, change my health, not grow old, not grow weary, not give in to what I had believed was written in stone, or what others told me was.  Is there anything truly written in stone?

 

The only thing that I believe is written in all consuming truth is the emotion of LOVE.  I believe that it is the driving force of all life, nature, all humanity, all the earth, moon, stars and sky.  Love makes us or breaks us.  From love in the womb, to love in the decay of the grave for the precious body of a human and everything in between - it's all about love.  Love of self.  Love of others.  You can also add service to this.  If you aren't out there giving love....then what exactly are you doing with your life?  What are you doing with your love?

This journey has lifted my heart, my mind, my empathy and compassion.  It has brought so many wonderful people to me and I in return, with open heart and hands, strive to give everything I have to whomever is in my presence and subsequently, learn from them.  I have a lot to give and I have a lot to learn.  I am so not done yet.  With my dying breath, I will say 'thank you' to the person that I'm with - or just to God if there is no one else around - or, I hope that I can relay some last, little message of hope like "see you later".  I don't want to take one second for granted.  I don't want to take one person for granted.  I have learned something from every one.

By the way, my Grandmother Mary's last words to me were "I Love You" and my Grandmother Violet?  Her last word to me was "beautiful".  Think I'll ever forget that love?  Never in a million years.  I am so very grateful for their nurturing, giving hearts of love.  I love you too, beautiful.

About myself, I've learned that "I'm still a good kid".  I've been told that by one person or another my whole life.  And recently, at 86 years young, Sidney Poitier was quoted as saying about himself and the life he's lived "I am a good person".  I am hopeful that by that time, I too will still be saying the same.  I'll be a lot younger by then lol. 

"A consistent positive and optimistic attitude is the cheapest fountain of youth"

- author unknown



I strive for excellence in everything I do.  Perhaps even trying too hard sometimes so being reminded that I am a good kid is key.  I don't hold passion against myself though, God has made me with a fire unlike alot of others.  I don't compare, I just know I can scorch better than anyone - unless you're a Leo - then it's on.  I don't just scorch though, I warm, I help grow, I nourish, I shed light, yeah, I do all of that and whole lot more adding to my list daily.

In times of illness though, or sadness, or anger, or bitterness, life seems to take on a vortex of pain and magnetism.  You attract the same kind of sadness, bitterness, etc. and the opposite of that is also true.  Perhaps the people all around you are depressed for some reason or another.  You really only need to ask a few questions of your besties to find out most people are struggling with one issue or another.  It's their energy and how they cope that you could become more aware of and should become more aware of because it effects you and you effect them.  I want to be a light shining not a flood drowning.  I am choosing to use this time of illness to diminish the sadness associated with it.  I am choosing to use this time to re energize my system, to recharge it, to heal it, to release all that had me in chains, all that I thought was true about myself.  I can only know this moment and I'm getting ready to meditate :)  I go within, not to escape, to increase my awareness, my capacity to know, my energy field so energy and information and come and go freely.  I am using this time to fully engage where I may have gone wrong.  No blame.  No frustration.  No guilt.  That's not the way.  Blame?  Forget about it.  I love me.  I am going to be 50 years young in August and I couldn't be happier.  Healthier?  No.  I couldn't even be healthier because the healthy me I am imagining I am now becoming.  Getting grounded, centered and open is how you start.

 

The future?  I see a lot of wonderful things in my future.  I hold my dreams close in my heart, pray to God and the Angels about it, ask my ancestors for help with it, invoke healers and teachers, people that are much smarter than I am.  As they say in gambling "I'm all in".  I am not taking a single breath with me, or heart beat, or living cell.  I am Spirit, ever evolving and what I am to be I am still becoming, as are you no matter how old you are.  It's never to late to start.  If I told you some of my dreams, you might laugh.  That's probably why I will only share them with the divine and very close friends and family, that I trust.  Most people will crush your dreams because of their own fears.  Guard them then.  I will offer bits and pieces and this blog is one of them.  I know that I know there will be more teaching.

The unified field of all that is supreme will not offend your trust or crush your dreams.  Go there and spend some time.  You get there through silence and meditation and prayer.  I'm going there now and, of course, I will say many prayers for you and I.  My prayer list is every growing.  Once the prayers have been prayed and sent out into the unified field, then I will dissolve. 

We have access to everything; healing, wisdom, love, enlightenment, knowledge, future happenings (just remember, you're creating your future so if you have a premonition and you don't like it, make sure you create something better for yourself). 

In the unified field we are all one.  Winks. 

We are always, only, one. 

Try to stand alone.  You know you can't.  Better break it down.

Relay for Life

In May of 2012, I received the news that I had Stage O Breast Cancer.  That same month I walked in our local Relay for Life in support of two angels, my best friend Rachael and my new best friend MaryLou.  I did the walk to support these two lovelies, but was in complete denial that I myself had cancer.  This is not something you just accept and say - hey, yeah, no problem.  It frightens the life out of you, literally.

Rachael's Dad, Joe passed away at the end of May last year succumbing to brain cancer which was discovered only two short years before after he was in an random accident.  They did a routine examination looking closely at his head and discovered an aggressive tumor.  They gave him only a few years to live, and live he did until his body could no longer survive what was happening in his body despite surgeries, chemo, etc.  It was the saddest thing to watch.  My heart breaks every day for Rachael.  She's heartbroken and will be until she's reunited with her "Padre".

MaryLou, a divorced mother of 3 has Stage 4 Breast Cancer diagnosed several years ago.  Ever since I met MaryLou she has been having one surgery or another, undergoing constant chemotherapy all the while smiling.  She says 'it's because of my kids, I have to be strong for them'.  And that she is. 

After the Relay For Life last year, I had my own battle to wage, and as you've read in past posts, surgery, radiation and the like was the order for the day and now, I'm home with pneumonia thinking long and hard about reality.  It's as if this whole year was a blur - by the way, not quite a year.  Just a mere eight months.

A few months ago, MaryLou contacted me.  She said she 'needed to get her God on' and reached out to me to help her spiritually.  I was more than willing and Rae and I met her for lunch.  She told us she was organizing the Relay for Life this year.  She said she was Chairing the event and she knew that I have planned many events, have done lots of PR work and have lots of connections with regard to sponsors and the like.  She felt like I was the perfect candidate to work with her.  Me?

I was more than happy to lift her up in the Spirit.  Offering her prayers and advice on how to get God back into her psyche more than anything.  She kept saying 'I know this', and 'how did I forget'?  But how can you not forget when the throws of life have you face down on the concrete and you're facing your mortality.  We all know millions of people die of cancer every day.  The reality can be overwhelming and it was especially for me, as I am only now realizing.

These two woman have become a beacon of hope for me encouraging ME to fight the good fight.

This past Friday was the Relay for Life which I did not help coordinate.  I did the best I could encouraging MaryLou, but participate?  Coordinate?  Get involved?  How could I?  I was still fighting.

That being said, when I realized the walk was Friday I couldn't miss it.  As sick as I am, I managed to get out of bed, put on a pink shirt in support that Rae helped me embellish and I registered at the event but this time as a Survivor.  I didn't know that Survivors wear purple not pink.  That revelation brought me to tears instantly.  The organizers who gave me my purple Survivor shirt asked me what type of cancer I had, when I was diagnosed, and I told them that and that I was there despite my pneumonia.  The tears were flowing but the compassion and empathy that these strangers yet kindred spirits gave me was deeply moving.  They hugged me.  They told me it was okay.

It was then I realized that I had a special place of honor among the Survivors.  They had chairs set up in the front row.  Purple shirt cancer survivors, of which I am now obviously one, took their seats and the ceremony began.  MaryLou took her place with the microphone and read her testimony.  She held it together as she described her journey, her mastectomies, her chemotherapy's - which she was still undergoing even only a few days earlier.  Her children and her friends, even the Mayor of Rutherford were all there in support.  After several more speeches, what came next caught me again off guard. 

Had I been sleepwalking all this time?

They announced the Survivors by name.  They called my name and I had to go and receive a purple cancer survivor medal.  MaryLou was called right after me - we basically got our medals together and what an honor to have her right by my side - she's so incredibly strong.  When I look at my struggle vs. hers, and I'm not comparing, she's the warrior.  I'm just a little squirrel trying to get a nut.  She's an amazing woman with the courage of an army of women.  She never faltered.  She was, however, so very happy to see me there and we hugged and shed a tear of hope between us.

Then we walked our Survivor lap.  Together.  Right in the front row holding the Relay for Life sign.  It was surreal.  I realized at that moment that I am a cancer survivor.  All the needles, poking, prodding, scans, tests, biopsies, lumpectomies, radiation - none of it was real until that moment.  I could barely get through my lap.  At the same time, the caretakers are also walking their lap in the opposite direction.  I could see my bestie Rae off in the distance.  She took her caretaker lap last year in honor of her Padre, and this year she took it for both of us.  She was an amazing caretaker to me.  She still is.

When we got closer and closer and the the two groups came together, MaryLou and I both lost our breath.  The support from family and friends that rallied round was gut wrenching.  I realized besides Rae, I was alone.  There was really no one there for me, except the entire Relay for Life community, and that was enough.

After the second lap, I was so completely winded, overwhelmed and frankly so sick I had to sit down.  I couldn't walk another step.  I am still fighting.  I am still sick.  So I sat and let Rae walk around a little more.  She wasn't done yet.  She needed to be there a little longer for her Padre, for MaryLou, for herself and I'm guessing for me.  Her reality is just settling in also.  It's all a lot to accept.  Acceptance is key, as I now know.  I couldn't feel my pulse and felt like I would faint at any moment, but I didn't.  I got through it.  WE got through it.

I called MaryLou the next morning to thank her and to apologize for not helping her with the organizing and of course, she said 'don't be ridiculous'.  She said that when she saw me there she was ecstatic because she knew how empowering it was.  I was embracing the reality of what I had experienced, not poking my head into the ground but looking around and knowing that yeah, I got cancer, I am fighting back and I am a part of something so much bigger than just myself.  This is not something that goes away.  You have this experience and it becomes a part of your life forever.  There is no 'getting over it'.  That's not the way cancer works.  Perhaps a splinter works that way, but not cancer.

I told MaryLou that I am getting involved next year.  MaryLou suggested that I Co-Chair the event with her.  Can you imagine?  What a place of honor.  What an opportunity to give to this community all that I have to offer and for such an amazing cause.  Not for some self glory but for the help of humanity.  MaryLou, of course she's planning on doing it again.  She'll live forever that one.  I told her I would absolutely do the very best I can to organize, promote and fight this deadly disease from the Survivor front line holding my head up high and owning who I am.  I am fearless today.  I've been educated, I've been through it - but know this - if you've not walked in my shoes do not judge me.  Do not have any preconceived notions about what this feels like.  You have no idea, and even after going through it, I still had no idea.

Today is a different day.  Today I will rise to the occasion giving all of my energy toward that which is profitable and that which will yield a harvest of righteousness.  If I can put a smile on just one person's face, if I can help diminish the fear from just one person's heart, if I can raise just one dollar or one more persons awareness that we can find a cure then that's my purpose in life.

If you would like information on the Relay For Life, please visit www.relayforlife.org.  Give, educate yourself, get involved.  It's not just about you, it's about all of us and if one of us is sick, we're all sick.  There is life after life (my new favorite saying) and I will hold your hand.  I promise I will be there.

Let My Life Be The Proof of Your Love

Music moves my whole life.  It soothes the savage beast within me.  Sometimes I'm a kitten and sometimes as a Leo, my inner lioness roars and truth be told, nips.  I prefer the kitten as I know most that know me do as well.  It is highly recommended, therefore, to be gentle.  (:

We all have a 'side' to us that we'd prefer the world didn't see.  I'm trying to be more transparent these days especially knowing how short life is and how hard it can be to overcome life's many challenges.  I am the salt of the earth.  In human form, I come from a working class family and have had to work for everything that I have.  In spiritual form, I am but a reflection of God's love still in the throws of growing into perfection.  We will be like Him when He is revealed.  Glory to God.

I am currently not the illness that happens to be passing through my body.  I am not the emotions that I struggle with.  I am not my past but I am responsible.  I am not my failed or successful relationships that I engage in.   I am not the job that I work so very hard at.  I am not my hopes and dreams, those realized and those I'm still working on.  I am not my ego, my body or my brain.  I am not the things people say about me.  I am none of these things.

I am not even the image that so perfectly captured the lost, hurt child in the photo below which was taken in my formative years.  As my perfect life was falling apart in March of 1978,  I was only 15 years old and I was completely lost.

I am also not the most recent image below taken in my current state of being. It's 2013 and I've still so much to learn, live, share and give.

I've come a long way baby, and what I still and always have aspired to be is a reflection of my idol, the Man Jesus, the Shepherd, who has set the bar so very high when it comes to the real meaning of life. 

Following the Shepherd does not make us weak.  Following the Shepherd makes us strong.  It helps us navigate His creation - this life He's given us.  God sees us as a helpless, sweet, soft, little, blemish free, innocent lambs which we all know we are not if we are without Him.  We are all together different without Him.  A lamb is a soft, gentle being that needs guidance and also needs protection from all the snares that accompany this gift.  God knew that this life would be frought with evils the mind could not comprehend let alone defend itself against.  There is trickery, and illusion.  There is real hate and a real war of separation.  Christ, the Shepherd, did not die on the cross forgiving his crucifiers because there was no war.  He died so our eyes would be opened to the reality that is this life.  The reward after living this life for Christ is nothing like the reward for living for the opposition.  What opposition?  There is an opposing, completely different force in this world and Christ knew that His people, His flock would be attacked at the very first opportunity.  Some would even be seduced and fooled.  The attacks come in all shapes and sizes, promises of great fortune and greatness of all kinds.  Even a false sense of comfort.  Of course these are disguised and it's the fool that grasps the golden ring and forsakes the Shepherd, but even fools have an opportunity to come home.  Even fools.

I aspire to be a reflection of God's love.  Period.  No matter what you do to me.

I hope you love the lyrics and the video I'm posting here today.  As I recover from so many things, it comforts me because I am well acquainted with the divine inspiration with which For King and Country created this masterpiece.  It is for all sheep, lambs, children of God, of which I am proudly one.  Don't be fooled however, it's the disillusioned that need saving.  It's the lost that need the Shepherd the most.

Live your life like you mean it, like it is a gift from God, which it is.  A miraculous gift, nothing to be taken lightly or for granted.  Live your life like Spirit is watching and teaching and praying that you will get the real reason you are here.  Take each opportunity to learn in a way that is giving, forgiving and loving.  This is not about money, fame or fortune, titles, possessions or the glory you give yourself for your accomplishments.  God forbid.  Many sell their souls to the devil for one thin dime and a thin dime is all you will get.

I love you and I pray that you'll look deep within.  The truth is all in there if you'll only humble yourself, pray, and believe.  If you shut the door before you take your last breath, you may be trapped in more misery in spirit then you ever were in human form.  Disobedience or lack of respect and humility leads to more life lessons.  Maybe even more lives.  Let's hope you don't come back as a lamb.  Some only make it to the dinner plate.  But that's Buddhism and that's not what were talking about here.  A soul that forsakes God gets its just reward as does a faithful follower.  Jesus is the true and just Judge.  The King knows His sheep.  He calls them by name and they know His voice. 

Time is on your side though.  You only need but a moment like the prodigal son.  Forgiveness is yours for the asking.

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's word with power, revealing all of His mysteries and making everything as plain as day, and if I have faith to say to a mountain jump and it jumps but I don't love I'm nothing. If I give all I earn to the poor or even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, no matter what I believe, no matter what I do, I'm bankrupt without love."

Bringing Relationships to Light

Relationships can be tricky.  Navigating the right words and emotions sometimes is a bit of a pain in the ass.  Get it wrong and someones going to be 'mad' at you.  Get it right and the rewards are love, devotion, respect and happiness.

I find myself saying 'I work hard' at relationships a lot.  I often think long and hard about what people say to me, as well as what I say to them, but oftentimes I have felt misunderstood.

Interesting that I never really feel misunderstood in business.  Business, especially really good business, has it's parameters and business people learn to navigate within them.  It's pretty simple really and I really love it.  I get a tremendous amount of respect from my customers because I give them a tremendous amount of respect.  I give them exactly what they call me for and the 'relationships' are happy ones.  Of course occasionally a customer will call with a complaint and I leap to the challenge to win them back over.  I have a very successful turnover rate thus far and as I type these words, I am looking forward to the opportunity to do it all over again tomorrow.

However, there is an emptiness associated with this 'misunderstood' feeling and I am learning to disassociate and disconnect from the expectations that come with feelings.  It's not that important that I feel misunderstood.  What's important is that I lead with love always and patch up and spackle any cracks or feelings that would steal that love.  Forgiveness for feeling offended and love for the broken heart.  I've had a broken heart most of my life because of one relationship or another.  The time has come to change the outcome, the expectation, and the feelings.

As I look back over my relationships, I realize that I had a deep need for love (as most of us do) but perhaps mine was a little more intense due to my earliest definitions of love and devotion.  My experience coming from a broken family left my expectations in turmoil.  I navigated relationships poorly constantly coming from a place of deep need.  I lived that way for most of life perhaps up until most recently.  These past few years have brought many bad habits to light for me and my inner most being rises to the surface as being the most important relationship that I have ever needed to learn to navigate.  Getting to know oneself is the most important relationship because once you truly know yourself, you can give to others in a way that is selfless, needless but filled with love, respect, devotion and happiness.  That's all I've ever wanted in my relationships ultimately but having that want can lead to disappointment.  I now realize that loving yourself, nurturing yourself, understanding why you do what you do, letting go of past hurts, forgiving others, all of these things lead to a better you and a better you in a relationship.

A clean slate, an open heart and boundaries are something I rarely started with in the past but it's how I wake up every morning now.  I embrace the newness of day and opportunity and although yesterday may have been a bear for one reason or another, the new day presents a chance to breathe differently, pray more effectively, release more expectations and dream cleaner visions for myself and others.  When you come from a place of hurt or brokenness, your expectations are cloudy, never fulfilled and disappointment is the order of the day.  When you release all of that and embrace openness you realize that even if the other person never even notices you, you do not have to buckle under unmet expectations, you notice yourself.  You love and nurture yourself and more importantly, you set boundaries.  You adjust the flow of qi in your life in a sense.  If you focus on energy that is negative or of a really low vibration - like anger, or sadness, that energy will be more prevalent.  The opposite of that is also true and so much more beneficial.

Every toxic word or deed that has ever been said or done to you that has hurt you deeply, you can release.  You can create a space where pain used to reside.  You can change that energy to something healing instead of something draining and capable of creating sickness.  Every toxic word that you have ever said or deed you have ever done, you can forgive yourself for and if you need to, apologize for.  Humility is salve to a multitude of wounds.  Forgiveness is the bandage and love is the result all within the boundaries that you set in your relationships. 

Why boundaries? 

Because everyone is on a different part of the journey.  Not everyone understands that expectations lead to disappointments.  Not everyone understands that love is the higher law.  Not everyone will embrace your thoughts and emotions as good, as accurate or in some dire relationships, necessary.  Those are the ones you need to really set boundaries with.  Love your neighbor, your family, your friends, but don't yoke up to them if they have a habit of invading your space in a way that is toxic.  Plain and simple.  Change the way you respond and you will get a different result.

Of course, most of this wouldn't even be an issue if people were more honest with themselves and if they were more interested in the pursuit of mind, body, spirit-evolution.  Some people are more on a journey than others.  Unfortunately, we all have people around us that are not even aware that transcendence is a reality and something to be searched for.  For some, they've carved out a hollow that allows only a very small amount of light to illuminate.  These relationships rarely evolve, perhaps too much auto-pilot role playing.  Honesty and humility however, can bring all of these bad habits to light and relationships can evolve because people can evolve.

I am living proof that you can change and you can overcome just about anything.  Love yourself first and the energy that flows from you will be illuminating.

Do Your Best and Keep Moving

Interesting how patience becomes something that you have an abundance of after you've personally gone through enough turmoil, trauma, recovery and reflection.  I am a patient woman, I always have been and through the refining process that is life I know that my patience has increased along with clarity.

It seems to me that we can become impatient when we limit our focus to the microcosm of what is going on around us and when our expectations overwhelm us limiting our tolerance of natural evolution, inevitable change, human unpredictability and even fate.

There are so many variables to life, so much chaos - controlled or otherwise, yet we like things organized and in nice, neat piles.  We get upset when outcomes vary or worse, fail to meet what's expected.  This causes an awful lot of unnecessary stress and turmoil and when you spend enough time in the company of people that react this way to change, or when you consciously live and experience enough of it yourself, you realize that there has to be a simple way to increase patience and clarity which would lead to a better life.

Of course, learning our lessons the first time around is preferred, but most of us don't get it on the first try.  Probably because there is usually some disconnect between our behavior and the way we see our behavior, if we're even looking or paying attention.  There is a certain amount of living consciously that one needs to do first in order to even recognize a lack of patience and clarity.  If you get that far, the ability to recognize you can change, or increase your patience immediately if you wanted to by living more consciously and being more responsible for your intolerance, wouldn't be far behind but it takes some effort.  It takes just a little introspection.  It's not mysterious at all, no mumbo-jumbo, no hockus-pockus.

Conscious living, paying attention, or living in the present moment is not a concept but a way of re-conditioning your conditioned mind.  Most of the way we do things these days tends to be on autopilot.  People are not giving much thought to what they're doing, how they're doing it or how they're affecting the world around them.  They're just going about their lives they way they always have, complaining and hoping things will change.  The good news is that clarity teaches us change is always good, always available and inevitable, so why not make the change you know will make a positive difference in your life? 

Unfortunately, change can be scary and no one really likes discomfort, let alone fear.  It's sometimes easier to hang onto the old way of doing things because at least you know what the results will be, good and bad.  You have to admit though, it's a way of sleep-walking through your life.  If there is even a small part of you that recognizes that change needs to happen and you're resisting - that's a good sign.  You're at least observing.  The doing will come later with more observation, but if you're not yet aware, you've not yet begun. 

And there's the disconnect;  we'd sometimes rather hang onto that which we know doesn't work because at least we can tolerate that tried and true, proven outcome albeit sub par.  We don't have the patience or the clarity to make the necessary changes toward an outcome that yes, may be unpredictable, but may prove to be excellent in its' return far exceeding the lowest expectation which you settled for anyway. 

How did that rut become a way of life?

How can we not reflect on our own lives hourly and see that we are not responsible for outcome, our connection to outcome and our need to control the outcome?  Let me repeat, we are not.

We are responsible for doing our absolute best. 

Doing. 

Do your best and do not worry about outcome...keep moving.  If you are doing your best, the outcome will be glorious no matter what - even if on the surface it looks unsettled.  Time has a way of bringing good works to light long after the plow has been lifted.  Don't forget, this is about patience and clarity afterall.

Conscious living, reflective and introspective living and learning to release outcome into the ether, are ways in which you will increase your patience and clarity.  Becoming more aware of who you are, how you behave, how you treat others and what unrealistic expectations you may burden yoursel,f or others with, can only better your microcosm of life, as well as the macrocosm that is the world.  When you close your heart and you close your arms across your chest and say to the world, "it's my way or the highway", you will reap what you sow.

On the other hand, if you leave your heart open and limit your expression of disappointment when the outcome isn't exactly what you had hoped for, perhaps you're making room for other magical happenings that your mind couldn't even conceive of.  The world is a magical place and when we convince ourselves that we have it all figured out we limit the influx of light, information, holiness, and glory where patience and clarity come from. 

Once you realize that you have no idea who and what you are, hopefully humility will lead you to prayer and inner reflection. 

For me it has always been prayer and meditation, meditation and prayer.  I can't deny it nor would I want to.  Stillness, prayer, recognizing that I am a ball of energy, spirit and love, I can begin again each day hoping to be a better me and touch someones life, but never devastated if that doesn't happen.   I am not attached to outcome anymore.  I can honestly say that my life has taught me that each breath is a gift, a miraculous, holy gift.  I am not promised a single one, yet I keep breathing (smiling).

And so, it is with much gratitude I say, through many tests and trials, my patience has increased as has my clarity - not only to help my own seeing and navigating, but I pray to God that my lessons learned would impart some wisdom and knowledge to the blog readers of the world, and the seekers of the Giver of divine grace, virtues, and all things inbetween.  I seek no other source.

Praying for a Cure

Thank God radiation therapy is over.  My last treatment was more than a week ago and I will not miss any of it except the people.  The treatment is not that bad in and of itself in the short duration of the individual treatments, it's the build up of fatigue and the breaking down of the surface of the breast tissue that wears you out over the 6 week course.  That and pain of course, but this too shall pass.

The last 5 treatments are referred to as Boosters in that they don't radiate the entire breast for the last 5, they Boost your incision with radiation which allows the rest of the breast tissue to start it's immediate healing and recovery.  That was eleven days ago and I'm happy to report a steady healing has ensued.  I am noticing what looks like the old me under severely darkened skin tissue.  The pain is subsiding but still at times during the day - it's pretty painful.  (Adding this comment a few days later - feeling very little pain actually and my skin is gorgeous again :).

As I've said in the past, I am amazed at the resilience of the human body and the constant ability to heal itself.  My body has always had the ability to recover from everything that it's endured.  It also loves to be pushed past it's comfort level with physical activity - not with surgery and sickness, but with muscle building and fitness - hey, that rhymed lol, and I cannot wait to really start to work out again and feel 'normal'.  All things in due time though, I do need a little more time.

For now I'm sitting here prayerfully contemplating all that I've been through physically, emotionally, mentally, and of course spiritually and you know what?  I'm so much stronger for all of it.  All the tears and hand wringing, all of the mistakes and wrong turn taking, all the offerings made knees bended in prayer, all that I've ever known about God, His faithfulness, quickness to forgive a repentant heart, and His guidance has all made me what I am....and what am I?  Hmmmm.

I am a much stronger, redeemed child of the Most High God, woman, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, mother (if only to all animals), lover, friend, worker, helper, servant, artist, writer, healer, teacher, mentor, horticulturist, dancer, warrior, an athlete, human being, Spirit, I am consciousness and I am love.  I am all of these things and none of these things.  I am a vapor, here today and gone tomorrow.  I am a breeze blowing over the range of the earth embracing every delicious experience, taking it in for a moment and letting it flow right through me. 

Life is truly wonderful and beautiful. 

I need only sit in silence for the shortest while to be brought back to center, focus and strength.  I need only to sit in the company of loving friends sharing laughter, ideas and creativity to know that I have many gifts and talents yet to share with the world.  I need only to hear the voice of a beloved family member to know where I come from and to whom I belong and that belonging to a family is a gift.  I need only to remember my past, my ancestors, and all of life's lessons to know that I am courageous, adaptable, more than capable and an over comer.

I am adding a new title to the 'what am I and who am I' listing.  I am now officially a cancer survivor. 

My Certificate for completing treatment.

I was given an elite membership into a club whose members are some of the most amazing people I've ever met.  It's not a membership that any of us prefers of course, but once you become a member the light that shines in and around the lives of these Saints is palpable. God's presence is found in these precious fighting hearts.

I saw Spirit everywhere, everyday.

I met a lot of survivors both men and women. One woman in particular was one of my nurses Lana!    These Nurses are very busy tending to multiple patients simultaneously and occasionally I would be treated by Lana. As we got to know one another and my breast tissue started to change (more redness and irritation) I would express my concern and speak to the her about what I needed to do to get some relief either from the irritation or the pain.  By the way, Aquaphor is an over the counter cream that I needed to apply many times a day after daily treatment.  It became something I always had on.  It is just like vaseline and while it's extremely thick, it affords a shield of moisture that the radiation is stripping you of - so go ahead and use as much as you want.  So happy to see it on my dresser unused for a week now.  But I digress...Lana, God bless her heart, shared with me that she herself was getting treatment also.  She is battling stage zero breast cancer as am I and had been getting radiation treatment at Holy Name for a few weeks before I started.

Can you imagine treating cancer patients for a living and then finding out you're going to be one? 

If I could reach out and hug Lana right now as I type these words I would for the sheer positivity that she always excuded especially considering for the most part I had no idea she was a sister warrior.  I had no idea until she told me and she only told me because she was further along in the process and knew that what  I was worried about was temporary.  She wanted to encourage me!

From the moment Lana shared with me, we shared more than a few connected glances, many hugs, a few tears and we encouraged each other on a soul level that is simply deep.  We both looked forward to seeing each other through to the other side. She along with several other women and I would forge through the radiation treatment together while some of us were undergoing chemotherapy as well.

I will never forget Lana or any of these souls for our paths have crossed on the battlefield.

Interesting to note from my experience it seems cancer patients typically do not see each other in the treatment center (unless of course you need both radiation and chemotherapy which most people need).  The treatment center spaces your appointments out so as not to really overlap. The chemotherapy patients go upstairs while the radiation patients go downstairs. I became increasingly aware of this fact and I appreciated it as well although the lump in my throat is still there for obvious reasons.

Unfortunately, I have met too many women (and men) with cancer these days - it's the guy at the gas station and the woman at the card store, it's your neighbor and best friend's Dad, it's a friend of the family and your bosses wife, the banker, the hairdresser, I mean - who hasn't been touched by this disease?

My constant and deeply heartfelt prayers go out to Holy Name Regional Cancer Center, the kind people that grace it's doors whether in health care or treatment. I pray that healing Angels continually go before all battling souls and make straight the path to wellness and ultimately help humanity find a cure.

Brave can never even come close to describing the Spirit with which this battle is fought.

God, great creator of all that is, hear my prayer.  We are all effected and afflicted if just one of us is, please in your mercy help your suffering children, wipe dry our tears, comfort our broken hearts, renew our weary minds and reveal to us the cure for cancer.  Amen.