Grief, Gratitude & Life Just Got A Whole Lot More Complicated

 God Bless 

Joan Craig

April 23, 1940 - July 16, 2023

Writing this blog was a labor of love and then it became a chore on some subconscious level because the desire to blog just waned after my father, Frank Vincent Gattuso, transitioned from this life.  That was the subject of my last blog in 2017.  It just didn't flow the way it had for so many years before.  I suppose that's what happens as you age, you have less to say, and more to ruminate over.

But, all of that has changed with the transitioning of my beloved Mother, Joan Mary Craig.  Mom transitioned this July and my heart ... oh, my poor heart, has suffered a blow unlike any other.  Mom got diagnosed with terminal lung and throat cancer this year, more specifically, in March - the beginning of Lent.  Ironically, I had chosen to try and give up using cuss words but I literally forgot all about that until months later.  Giving up my Mother was what was on the table and I had to get in alignment with it.  This was my Mother's journey way before it was mine, or ours as a family.  She was calling all the shots and this blow, this most devastating news got even worse when we were told that she barely had 3 to 6 months to live.   The diagnosis the doctors provided was fatal and shocking, and time became of the rarest essence.

Somehow, some how, my beloved got in her Highest wisdom, grace, strength and in alignment with this diagnosis and we, her family, were immediately called upon to begin to take the action necessary to journey with Mom moving, providing, witnessing, anchoring, supporting, protecting, medicating, feeding, and deeply, deeply loving her along her last chapter riding the high tides and rip currents.  The Winter was also waning but the chill of the Dark Night of the Soul was just beginning for all of us.

Mommy lived alone in Brooksville, Florida and needed to relocate immediately to my sister's house in Tampa. Debbie has a on suite guest room that Mom stayed in whenever she would go visit so it was a very natural and easy transition from visiting to living out her last days.  I say "easy", because our Mother made it look so.  I do believe my sister and I struggled with it the most.  All the unknowns.  All the pressure of the what ifs and the responsibility for someone who is becoming so frail and sick.  All the pain of watching your most precious loved one receive this death sentence and all the while she is smiling and so completely present in the moment.  Once Mom moved in and gave up just about everything, Deb would began a new 24/7 life, on call for Mom, on duty, absolutely no rest for the weary with an ever listening ear to see if she needed anything and I travelled back and forth providing relief and taking the reigns a total of four times in five months. 

I flew down to Florida and my sister began making arrangements that none of us were really present to.  You kind of go through the necessary motions of what life throws at you and it isn't until weeks, months, years, or maybe even lifetimes, that any of it makes any sense and even then there really are no promises.  We all just do the best we can with what we've got.

When I got to Brooksville, I was so happy to see Mommy and to hug her and kiss her and spend time doting on her in any way that I could.  I don't know if I was as grounded as I had thought I was in retrospect these mere ten weeks later.  At the time, it was not evident that Mom was dying.  She looked amazing, while she had been on oxygen, her spirits were so high, and while she was tired and coughed and needed rest, she also was on her way to 83 years old, so there seemed at least for me, some denial as to how bad it was and how bad it was soon to get.  And, when I say bad, it wasn't as bad as it could've been.  We've all heard horror stories and have seen some terrible suffering and our Mother absolutely suffered, but never have I ever seen anyone do it with such grace and strength.  Perhaps Mom was protecting us from her true emotions, but I don't believe that because her eyes never lied. Her lips never lied.  And, Mom's heart was so completely love the whole time she was walking through this valley.  I swear her head was high looking toward the horizon for the first light the whole time.  I didn't see her blink.  I didn't see her sweat or even cry.  Deb said Mom cried when she first found out.  But, not to me.  On the contrary.  I cried when she told me.  But, her response was, "I will tell you when it's time to cry, Maria".  And, well, Mom transitioned and she never did tell me it was time to cry.  THAT's how strong our Mom was.  I was her baby and she absolutely protected me from the inevitable grief that I would feel and that I am feeling as I type these words.  And, crying?  Well, let's just say that my Mother, Joan Mary Craig is and will always be an incredible heartbreaker to anyone who knew and love her and I've not stopped weeping.  I cry every single day sometimes all day.  If I allow myself to fully feel it and I do, I can go for days.  The past week was like that.  The weather is changing, its been dark and rainy and it triggered all the grief that I've been storing for lifetimes.  At least that's what it feels like.

When Mom first transitioned, I felt like I was having a heart attack.  I had the worst pains in my heart and really thought, "oh, this isn't good", but just rode the wave of grief until the tide went back out and took my pangs and literal heart pains of grief with it.  I have heard of people dying of broken hearts and I can, after feeling that deep level of grief, totally understand that.  

My quest here now is a deeper understanding.  Evolution is a process and grief is a major player as to how we cope with the life and death of it all.  Sure, we've been doing this for eons but not one of us truly knows until we actually have the experience ourselves.  I honestly believed I knew what grief was before my parents died, and to some extent, I did.  But, as evolution, information, learning, experiencing and expanding are concerned, this is part and parcel of the journey.  How well we cope in this lifetime will dictate to the future generations how to cope and we share all of this information on the cellular level over time and each one of us is having a very unique experience and adding to the whole.

So, when it's our turn to experience something like the death of parent, we show up ready or not and take our lumps and rise to the challenges as best we know how knowing the whole time we are ill equipped and are falling short just like all those that came before us and it's just absolutely perfect in its imperfect unfolding.

I was literally on the couch watching something on tv and hit the pause button, came upstairs and for whatever reason, started to blog after 6 long years and the subject that is driving this message, that is typing these words and that is trying to mend this broken heart, is GRIEF.  Grief and gratitude.

I Am grieving.  I Am grateful.  I Am That I Am.

* * *

A Rebel Grows in the Garden

My life is always a little sweet and a little savory, a little sour and a little salty, a whole lotta hot and a whole lotta cold.  You know it.  You experience all the textures, just like I do.  Some feel better than others, at least that's what we tell ourselves.  Truth is, it's all fucking beautiful!  All of it.

When you observe life through the unrestricted lens of the "non-attached observer", and judgment and criticism goes by the wayside, it's a pretty beautiful view.  Arrogance, fear and control also can not exist on this plane.  The only thing that exists is, trusting in All That Is.  And, "All That Is" is beautiful.

Come on up to the mountain top (this is a real place of peace within).  Sit.  Breathe deeply.  Softly gaze at all there is to see.  I spend most of my time here now.  I now navigate my life from this perspective.  It's taken my whole life to get here and I loved every step.  It has been an amazing climb.  There were plenty of times I thought I wouldn't make it.  There were plenty of times the thought of quitting occurred to me.  But I never quit.  I had a lot of help!  I asked, pleaded and prayed for help, strength and guidance and by the grace of God, and by my sheer will, I persevered.

Needless to say, I shall not be going back down any time soon.  I'm going to enjoy this warm mOment for now.

Close your eyes.  Look and breathe from your heart.

There is a mighty tender view here, a most holy circumstance.  The only things that exist here are you and now, your beating heart, your breath, your incredible capacity and ability to see and deeply love all of creation, with your intention.  Source is also here doing the same thing, loving the whole of creation.  Through you, in you and about you, Source (God, Jesus, Great Spirit, Creator - the One who has many names and no name) is, always was and ALWAYS will be.

Breathe all of that in.  This is a really beautiful place to see.  I love seeing from this view.

There is still plenty of time to be all that you came here to be.  It only takes a mOment to lean into the softness of the magic soul soil again, to come down from fearful, lofty illusions and climb into one of the inner, soulful mountains of trust and deep knowing.  Look again with the eyes of your inner child who smiles towards the Cosmos that you are.  Take one purposeful step up inside toward peace again.  Lean your whole life and soul in this time.  It's deeper, wider and higher than you remember.  It's more than what you thought from that old, arrogant perspective.  It's always more real and vibrant than we give it credit for.  It never dulls.  It always shines.  It's light after all.  And, LIGHT is more you than you are you.


Look up with hands in the soil of your life again.  You are planting a beautiful garden of memories and stories, successes and failures, beliefs, myths, reasons, patterns, and programs.  This is the technology of your life.  You can become a proficient and skilled Master of this technology.  All the keys and directives are deep within.  Yup!  Sure you can read inspiring and very thought provoking materials, but the Godhead, Source, Light, Spark of Divinity lies deep within.  You must go within.  There are mountains (beautiful mountains that your soul deeply knows and desires to return to, more than anything) of love just waiting for you but it does take some beautiful effort getting to, otherwise we'd all be here together by now.  There is an exchange for information.  You lean in, you put forth the effort, you sweat a little, you climb a little, and you get way more in return than you could have ever bargained for.

You know with just a little sincere introspective, a key (code, instruction, idea) will be given to you.  A key, when used, will unlock the next part of the path that leads to the most amazing love vistas and love plateaus.  It's all about expanding consciousness and connecting to your Creator on a very deep and very spiritual level.

You probably have some keys lying around the house just begging to be used.  You may have thought they were useless, you know the ones;  forgiveness, unconditional love, non-judgement, service to others, selflessness, kindness, goodness.  Perhaps they didn't shine just right, or perhaps they were tiny and seemed insignificant.  Perhaps you were concerned about what others would think of you if you used them.  So what?!  Who cares what others think?  (The Ego that's who, but that's a chakra of a different color ;).  Use them.  Use those keys!!  You must.  They are precious gifts.  They are precious alchemy.  Not one should ever be wasted.  And, no new keys are given until all keys are used anyway, so if you're stuck, and you cannot move forward, go find the key that opens up the door that seems to be blocking your progress.

It's just cosmic sense.

This is all about becoming the peaceful, loving, light Source energy being that you truly are.  Whenever we go in the opposite direction, there is a real drag of energetic frequency.  You feel it.  Everybody does.  Vibe up.  Breathe.  Smile.  You got this.

Remember, it's much easier leaning into happiness than holding onto an energetic grudge of any kind.  It takes much more energy and effort to do the latter, so embrace the former and let it go!  Then you will truly be "going with the flow" of energy in it's most natural and most powerful state.  Just be sure to clean up the energetic residual with a ritual, i.e., a sincere conversation to 'clear the air', apologies,  forgivenesses, hugs and sincere desires to move forward from a healthy, supportive place, sage, palo santo, etc..  Healthy growth happens in healthy souls and environments.  The land must always be tilled before new seeds can be planted.  Again, just cosmic sense ;) tee hee.

This beautiful life is all about becoming the master of your own vibration, the master of your own co-creations, the master of your own emotions and experiences.  No one is making you anything.  You are doing it all.  Look inside at all that you've created and if there is anything you do not particularly love, look at it again with more love this time.  Thank it and make a prayer about good change that could come to it.  Create something you love right there using the old bones of what didn't work.  Bless your creation.  Do not criticize it.  Let it be rocket fuel to your growing knowing.  Gratitude and appreciation will bless everything you do if you welcome it in and add it to your garden.

Our lights surely shine together.  We can root new seeds of passion in this beautiful light, a much higher truth.  We can unite and we can root new seeds of kindness, becoming and growing into so much more together.

This is my vision of beauty and love.  I love peace.  I love beauty and I love love (I also love gardening lol!).  What else can I say?  This is what I have become.

What are you becoming?

Oh, and I couldn't have gotten here without a rebellious attitude.  It's been too much for many, and not enough for some.  It's been just right for me.

Here's a rebellious video for you below.  You've probably seen it before, and I just love it.  I am not the status quo.  God forbid.  No, heaven did not make me that way.  Put it this way, I love vanilla ice cream, but there is nothing vanilla about me.

 #thisisit

We Feel Our Way

I am such a sentimental, romantic, idealistic dreamer.  I absolutely love unconditional love.  I don't always understand the lack of it and that has shaken me to the core.

Understanding that life is a mystery brings unconditional love to a majestic place.  It just stands alone and yet it touches and emanates from every soul to some extent, or another.  Not everyone is comfortable with unconditional love.  They think it must be conditional.  They think that because deep down they do not unconditionally love themselves and it shows.  It's quite evident.  

If you truly understand that love exists in your darkest shadows, then you are standing in your full power especially when you soothe those shadows with more love.  It's a process of evolution and the shadow is the best place to start.  But, most will not go there.  Most believe it will be too painful, or  just believe there is no need.  They believe that it's okay to feel badly, everybody is doing it.  But, it's not okay.  Who wants to feel badly all the time about anything?

Love is always the elixir for me.  Finding beauty and being able to transmute anything that isn't serving the highest level of my existence to love becomes the game I play avidly.  It really is a game and we can become quite proficient at it.  But, it begins and ends with self love.

Listen to the song I posted below and look lovingly at yourself.  Can you?  Can you stare, or do you need to look away?  Why?  What is it?   How do you feel when you see your reflection?  How do you feel when you see your body?  How do you feel when you look outside of yourself at your relationships?  Are you truthful?  Honest?  Loving?  Or, do you pretend?

Honesty lets the love light in but consciousness is the first to arrive, flipping the switch to have a look see.  If you don't like what you see, do not judge.  Soothe with love.  Accept.  Forgive.  Be kind to yourself.  Watch your self chatter.  Watch you chatter about others.  Are you bitter?  Are you jealous?  Are you judgmental?  Are you sarcastic and cynical?

It's okay if you are and if you love the way this thinking makes you feel.  It's okay if your philosophy is making others happy and kinder.  But, if your thinking creates more static, more negativity, more disconnection, than perhaps a little unconditional love is what you need.

Just sit and take a deep breath.  Do not judge yourself, or anyone else.  Just be.  Allow.  Become the non-attached observer and see all that there is to see.  Perspective is important here.  Looking through a straw at the world will allow only the tiniest bit of light to flow but broaden your view and compassion will surely arrive in tall order.

Non-attached is the operative word here.  This means no judgement.  Just observe.  Watch the mind and how it calculates many outcomes.  These are just options.  You always get to choose from the menu.  The mind is a computer but the heart...the heart is a love pumping machine.  Connect these two and then look at your options again.  

How do you feel?  The goal is to feel good, inside and out.  The goal is to make others feel good in your presence.

Surely looking through the eyes of non-judgment and unconditional love for self first is key.  Doing your own healing work and raising your vibration to the highest level possible will resonate out into and back out of the multiverse.  

You are emitting a frequency for sure.  

Make sure it's the best possible frequency you can emit.  

I choose love.  I always choose love.  But, if you know a better way, I am open to hearing about it.

Keepers of Light and Love

written by Maria L. Gattuso

We understand love songs

and love letters

and long

drawn out goodbyes

We understand the hand 

that never shakes

never touches

never feels

The tips of fingers revel in their knowing

to feel is to live

they understand what

touching a beating heart can do

All the while 

the busy mind tries to figure it all out

 in a pdf file format

repeating what it has heard until we gain control

Our light and love eternally, easily and effortlessly

soothe and comfort

the soul's knowing

 and it is truth unto itself

Breath is damp and purposeful

It is born in the darkness and 

expels in the light of creation

It is born and born again

Like the truth on our lips, 

the sound of

our alchemic magic

our resonance

But who is speaking

what is going

to and from 

miraculous spirit humans

Who is willing 

to understand these mysteries

 Who is willing 

to dive into their own depth to see

Surely this knowing is holy

to the keepers of light and love

Surely this wanting is stored

in the bliss of your own holy kiss

It is all stored holy in our void 

 It is all stored holy in our love for this life

It is stored holy in our light of day always

We just have to want to wake up to the perfection of it

It is good to breathe in love, 

It is good to love one another and 

It is good to feel our way

to exhale love unconditionally

#thisisit