Entities All Around

On May 13, 2013, I went to the Relay for Life to take my survivor lap with my dear friend and inspiration Mary-Lou Guisto.  We were both diagnosed with DCIS - ductal carcinoma insi tu, Mary-Lou diagnosed only 5 years ago.  Her cancer was Stage 2 at the time, and progressed to Stage 4.  Mine - Stage 0.  I am cancer free currently and if you've read my blog you know that I suffered complications from the Radiation Treatment.  Today is my last day of prednisone and I am almost fully recovered.

On July 3rd, we laid Mary-Lou to rest.  She was given only 6 months to live after her recent bone biopsy which showed that the cancer had progressed despite the treatment.  She had mastectomies, chemo, radiation, you name it.  She died within 5 years of diagnosis. 

Five years.

What would you do with 5 years if you that's all you had left?

I can tell you that Mary-Lou did not waste a single moment living strongly for her 3 surviving children, who were completely brokenhearted at her memorial, as you can imagine.  Her youngest is still in grade school, her oldest just sweet sixteen.

Words cannot express the love that was in the room at her memorial.  It was palpable.  She had so many people rooting for her to survive, and thrive.  One after the other, people gave their testimonies as to how Mary-Lou had affected their lives all in very positive, loving and funny ways. 

Mary-Lou and I have so much in common.  Both born in August.  Both Leo's.  Both strong heads with big hearts.  She was truly an inspiration to me especially when I was in complete denial that I actually even had cancer.  She was willing and able to help me at a moments notice if that's what I needed.  She told me that she knew all there was to know and if I needed anything, I could count on her despite the fact that she was still going through chemotherapy and the like, all the while taking care of her children and still working a full time teaching job.  That obviously changed this past school season as the cancer had been progressing and she just didn't feel that she could continue with all of her responsibilities.  Very intuitive.

The last few months of her life were spent taking care of herself and her family.  She was as devoted a mother as I've ever seen, as well as a devoted sister.  I can't imagine watching my sister suffer the way Mary-Lou's sister watched her, and eventually having to say goodbye to her.  Mary-Lou was given 6 months at her last doctor's visit.  She only lived less than 20 days after those words were spoken to her despite her best efforts.

A few weeks ago, we spent our last few hours together not knowing that this was the case.  I brought her to a healer - the same healer that I had visited recently.  She jumped at the chance to go and see him.  Even though I have been so under the weather, I wanted to be there and take her there, so I drove her.  I realized pretty quickly that she wouldn't have been able to drive herself as it was a ways away.  She was willing but her flesh was weak. 

We went for a late lunch afterward and then said our last goodbyes.  I never thought in a million years that would be the last time I would see her.  She looked great except for the fact that her belly was swelling (liver).  She was pretty cheerful despite her being uncomfortable.  She said "I feel the entities around me".  I couldn't feel them but I certainly believed her. 

If I had a second chance to speak with Mary-Lou, I would thank her for her courage and support.  I would hug her so tight and pray so very hard for her.  Harder than I did.  I would have asked her a million questions about the 'entities' and I would try so very hard to mend her broken heart.  She lived for her children and the past 5 years fighting were all about them.  She pushed harder than anyone I know, not for herself, but for her babies.  At our last lunch together I asked her point blank how she does it.  She reached in her purse and pulled out 3 school pictures;  one for each child.  She said "this is how".  Yeah.  She was a strong warrior never warring for herself, but selflessly warring for her family.  She would have given anything to stay here to raise her family and I would give anything to have her back.

I wonder why God would take Mary-Lou and leave me here for a little longer, I mean, I have no children, just 3 devoted cats.  My marriage is broken.  My family is all together not together and I really don't have the kind of roots that she had.  It makes me crazy.  She should've survived.  Damn cancer.  I hate it.  

I have a few more friends that are fighting this nasty disease and I am horrified by the prospect.  I understand that physical, human life is temporal and fleeting but when you're in the thick of illness, it seems so very real and long suffering.  I pray for the cure.  I pray that this country would be less driven by money and more driven by compassion.  BTW, hemp oil has been proven to cure cancer without any side effects.  Why the hell isn't America getting behind these studies and making this plant based drug available to everyone?  Well, we all know the answer and that's the real cancer in this world.  Greed.  Money.  Profit.  It's pretty disgusting.  That being said, I will continue to keep the faith and fight the good fight.  I will never surrender.  I will never give up on myself, or any of my friends who are fighting.  I will always believe that this is beatable.  Mary-Lou did not die in vain and while I love having Angels in heaven, I would have much rather done the Relay for Life with her in 2014 then to walk my lap alone.  It's just not fair. 

To Mary-Lou:  I love you dear one.  I will pray for you and your family for the rest of my life.  I am looking forward to seeing you in my dreams, in my inspiration, in my hopes and thoughts.  I know that you are all Spirit now, fully and completely.  You paved the way for me with your life and now you are paving the way for me with your human passing.  I look forward to seeing you again my friend.  Thank you for your last words to me:  "Thank you so much my friend.  Immense love xoxo".  I say the same right back to you.  Sleep with many Angels Mary-Lou and please, visit often, stay late, and impart your heavenly wisdom to me.  Trust me, I need it. 

Looking for Mercy Street

Sometimes the road we're on changes in the distance. 
It's not until we're right on top of it and then we realize,
we may be in for a bumpy ride.

Such is life I suppose.  The road is bumpy most days.  You have to carefully navigate your way through everything.  Going to the bakery for a loaf of crusty Italian bread is sometimes not an easy task living here in Northern New Jersey.  You will probably see a bird or two when driving since most of us around this area are in a constant hurry and if you stop where you shouldn't and slow someone else down, the birds, cuss words and beeping start almost immediately. 

The funny part about this is once you're in the bakery, those same people are nodding, slightly smiling and acknowledging the fact the weather is really nice today.  Once they're back in the cars or SUV's it's a whole 'nother' story.



We navigate the world and get used to doing it a certain way.
We sometimes go through life on auto-pilot not really appreciating
how we got from one place to another, so pre-occupied. 

 After having my mammography, I was sent for needle and stereotactic biopsies of both breasts only to find out I have the best possible scenario when it comes to the beginning stages of breast cancer.  One breast is more suspicious than the other (those suspicious breasts lol).  It seems that everything we navigate, we navigate in stages and this is no different.

As I navigate through this new world of medical problems, procedures, cures and treatments, my head is spinning.  I was on auto-pilot and very happy to be so, I guess, but the road has changed for me and tomorrow I find out just how much my near future with be affected by this new terrain.

Tomorrow I meet with a Surgeon to determine the best course of action once they remove the suspicious breast tissue.  I've been doing a little research and have heard that the treatment for Ductal carcinoma in situ and Lobular carcinoma in situ is medicine and radiation.  No one has said the word chemotheraphy to me and I'm quite happy with that although I haven't had the meeting with the surgeon yet so that remains to be seen.

Regardless, I am on this road now and the only option is getting well and preserving my life as best I can in the here and now.  I am not even 50 years old and I'm not done living.  Sure this is the best case scenario and it's early and all, but my mortality is staring and glaring me in the face taunting me, daring me not to look at it and using my faith as the main reason not to.  But I am a human being also and that in and of itself has it's human qualities.  I have memory.  I feel pain.  I bleed.  I cry.  I fear.  So I know that this is definetly not going to be easy.  Nothing ever is, is it?

Then one day the road we're on looks different.
It's not as smooth as we remember it being.
It's a whole lot more than we anticipated, but we're on it nonetheless.

And how am I?  Hmmm?  Well, I've had my moments.

When I first heard that there may be a problem, I knew deep down inside that it wasn't going to be over any time soon.  I was hoping that my intuition was wrong, but it rarely is.  I have a voice inside (call it my spirit, my angels, my God, Jesus, frankly I don't care, I just know it's there and I trust it) that guides me ever so gently.  It was quiet, yet cautious.  It wasn't until I got the results from the biopsies that everything was A-Okay that I kinda heard my spirit say 'not so fast'.  I wanted to rejoice so desperately.  I wanted to take a really deep breath and put this scare behind me, but something inside just didn't embrace the news.  Good thing too since shortly thereafter I got the phone call that A) this has never happened before (giving only partial news) B) the news went from great to not so great and C) everyone was apologizing to me.

I knew it.

I didn't want to believe that God would allow me to navigate this terraine, but why not?  Some of the most amazing people that I've ever known have been afflicted with this disease.  Why not me?

I had seen this road before a couple of times, more specifically once when I was a young girl living in Jersey City.  My Aunt Helen, who was married to my Uncle Larry, lived downstairs from my Grandmother Mary.  Aunt Helen had breast cancer and had a double masectomy as I recall.  It was horrific hearing my Grandmother Mary talk about her dear friend and Sister-In-Law Helen and how much pain she was in.  I remember my Grandmother wringing her hands and pacing back and forth talking on the telephone to our relatives giving them the updates.  Keeping in mind this was the early 70's and so much has changed since then, this is still my first contact with such a horrible disease.  It eventually took her life.

I will always remember my Aunt Helen.  She had the sweetest smile and she was always so very kind to me.  I realize now also how very brave she was.  She would be proud today of her family and I hope she knows how much I miss her.  I know she does and I know she's ever present ready to minister to me, as is my Grandmother Mary and my Aunt Jean, my Grandmother's Sister.  These women were the staples in our family surely keeping us together.  I miss them and wish I could seek counsel from them as well as comfort.

Interesting to note here that since Facebook has increased in popularity, my cousins have taken an interest in communicating with one another.  We are all together in cyberspace encouraging one another to get through life's bumpy terrains and it's terrific.  We were so close as children rarely not together that now, even though we're all grown and on our own paths, we're still so very close and want to be.  That's what family is all about...wanting to be with each other - not having to be.  There's a difference.

I have also lost a couple of other great friends to cancer;  Dina and Bobbi.  They will forever be missed.  Such amazing women.  And, as I type these words my dearest friend Rachael's Dad Joe is dying from brain cancer.  Never did a man want his family more than this man and he's being robbed and stripped from it.  It breaks my heart and it should not happen to this family or this man.  It shouldn't happen to anyone.  It shouldn't even happen to me. 

But, I'm not Job (read the story of Job in the Old Testament- if you haven't you're missing an amazing conversation between man and Maker in regard to the why's of life).  I will not question God.  I will accept my circumstances, but accept with a fierce determination to overcome.

Tomorrow will be a day won't it?  I will hear things I never, ever wanted to hear.  I will have to make decisions I never, ever wanted to make;  life preserving, life changing, life altering decisions.  Hopefully, and this is the operative word for my life, hopefully, it will go smoothly, nary a bump and I will come home with a plan of action and the light will present itself illuminating my path, making it straight, and allowing me the grace to navigate it.

So, here's to me Ree!  God speed my love, go, be well and conquer the world as He has conquered the world.

I will, and I shall. 

We all look off into the distance to find hope in the light. however,
I'm learning that hope lives in the heart today, at this moment,
while we're taking this turn.

We are bound only by our perceptions and beliefs, I know this,
however, some blows are harder to get over than others.
Returning to hope is the only answer.

"...the greatest of these is love."

It is almost impossible to describe what it's like to give your heart to your mate through Holy matrimony. In that moment love expresses itself through mutual respect, joy, tenderness and kindness of the Highest order. It's always that way in the beginning. Withstanding life's trials remains the true test of love's longevity. Partnership eases life's burdens. But knowing what love is can make a marriage last an eternity. Here then, is what I believe to be the best definition of love that I've come across.

Corinthians 13 1-13

1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.