I Believe, Therefore I See

Last night was a restful, non eventful Saturday evening where I was spending my time still recovering from this awful lung infection by watching Gatsby on bootleg DVD, it belonged to my roommate, I did not buy it and I must say, it was a pretty good copy.  As my sweet, quiet evening was winding down, I decided to go upstairs, get a refill on my cool drink and lock up for the night.  I went up a flight to the main floor, the kitchen, living room, dining room area, and went to the front door.  I live in an extremely quiet neighborhood and the through traffic that exists is mostly people in cars, unless there is a function at the middle school behind my house, then there are lots of people around.   I looked out the small window of my front door and noticed a man across the street taking what looked like pictures, or a video of my house, or above it.  I thought it odd, but was home alone and didn't really want to make a big deal about it.  I turned on the outside lights, closed some windows and went up to the third level where my bedrooms are.

This is where it gets ridiculous.

I went to my two bedroom windows whose blinds were still all the way up from inviting in the days sunlight.  My plan was to bring down the blinds, put on my bedroom light and go get my drink.  As I approached the windows, I had a sense of vulnerability which I typically do not have.  I grabbed the string on the window blind and began to release the string to lower the blind.  I looked out the window, up toward the sky, and that's when I saw them.

I saw two unidentified flying objects behind and above my house!  I could not believe what I was seeing and I was mesmerized.  They were a beautiful color of gold, illuminating themselves from the inside out, and they had a textured surface like a dogs toy, or Christmas star ornament, in that there were spikes or spokes leading outward.  They were not just gold, round balls of light.  They made no sound and they seemed to hover and turn with ease.  It's hard to describe how big they were suffice to say they were not small.  They were rather medium sized, like the size of  a compact car.  They floated around and then proceeded north. 

As I was staring at the first one I saw, I noticed the second one on the other side of the pine trees.  I had head to toe chills and was a little freaked out as I continued to shut my blinds.  At this point, I went back downstairs to my front door.  The man across the street was still there, so I went out and addressed him with arms folded closely over my chest. 

I asked "What is that'? 
He said "You see them'"?
I responded "I see two of them". 
At that point, another neighbor whom I hadn't noticed piped in and said "There are eight"!

I had been looking up over my house and still saw the two as they floated toward the north.  And then they were gone. 

My two neighbors bravely headed in that direction and I noticed behind them were a group of teenagers, also in pursuit.  Brave souls.  I just retreated back into the safety of my home (LOL) and felt so completely confused, and again there was that vulnerable feeling.  I ran back upstairs and looked for the floating, golden, compact car sized balls, but they were gone.

What had I just witnessed?  I watched the local news last night but nothing.  I googled UFO sightings for my town and to my surprise there had been local, recent UFO sightings, dissimilar to my experience, but surprising nonetheless.

Well, my interpretation of this experience is that I have always believed in the unbelievable.  I have also had a sense of unworldliness and while it frightened me and caught me completely off guard, I am not, at my core, surprised.  Angels, by their very nature could be described as a UFOs and I've also believed in them, while I've never seen one.  Ghosts, by their very nature could be described as UFOs, and I've also believed in them, especially after seeing a couple.  There is so much more that is unexplained than explained, and until you've experienced these things yourself, you may or may not believe. 

I can tell you that I am a believer.  I'm not sure what they were, what they wanted, why I was lucky enough to witness this but I can tell you that I'm happy I got to see, with my own eyes, that which people have discussed and debated for my entire life.  I'm not too concerned with whether or not people believe my testimony, I have better things to do than to try to convince someone of something that I am.  Either you know me to be credible, or you don't.  I'm pretty sure I'm a sure bet, but you'd have to ask my friends what they think of me.

I can also tell you they were not planes, balloons, birds, stars, or anything familiar that flies that I've ever seen.  I have never seen anything like this in my life.  It was exhilarating, confusing, and curious.  The more I think about it, the more curious I get.  I wished I had gone outside sooner to ask my neighbor what he was looking at and in a way I'm glad I didn't.  I merely looked out the window on my own and saw, witnessed, experienced two UFOs, very innocently.  I mean, I watched The Great Gatsby for Gods' sake, not Aliens 3.  There was no explanation or mindful manifestation or drug or alcohol induced imagination.  This was all them in front of all of me, and my neighbors.

Would I follow them?  Probably not unless it was from a safe distance.  I have to laugh though.  After witnessing this unexplained mystery, the 'safety of my home' and 'a safe distance' seems an immature concept.  I think the technology and ability of these beings far exceeds our own.  While they were ominously quiet, I believe they are capable of making quite a bit of noise.  It scares me a little because it made me feel vulnerable, as I mentioned, but also a beat behind.  They obviously are observing us while we humans are practically oblivious to them going so far as to close a blind eye and still debate their existence.  That's just my opinion about the general population.  I believe, strongly, that world wide governments are quite well aware.

It really is up to the individual to cipher through information, beliefs, philosophies, explanations, etc., with an open mind, and allow the infinite realm of possibilities to exist.  I believe, therefore I see.  However, I'm still shaking my head. 

I did eventually get my cool drink and as I sipped it slowly, I had that familiar and strong sense of vulnerability.  I kept looking out the window in anticipation of a repeat performance, but while I was expectant, I was honestly not disappointed and eager to have a peaceful, non eventful evening once again.  I was home alone after all and was not prepared for a road trip.  I can tell you that I will have camera in hand probably every night for a while because this was as exciting as it gets.  Bring it on Universe!  I am excited to be here and am always looking to get to the next level, whatever that may be.  Pictures would only be a plus and oh, what a wonderful world.  

If I'm Smart

Spiritually speaking, I am in the desert, so just now when I heard the rain, I ran to the door.  I stepped outside and stood under the awning listening as the rain became heavier and heavier.  I thought of the many people that instinctively avoid the rain by dashing in between drops, grabbing umbrellas and running for cover.  I felt the mist on my bare legs as I stood there in my t-shirt and shorts.  That's when it occurred to me.

When was the last time I deliberately stood in the pouring rain without any concern for getting soaking wet?

I could remember a time, years ago, when an old acquaintance and I went jogging in the rain.  It was his preference.  He loved it and wanted me to share in that love, so I joined him.  It was fun and exciting and pretty romantic.  I realized today that that was way too long ago, so I did the only natural thing.  I took two steps forward and left the shelter of my awning.  I stood in the pouring rain, facing the sky, hands held high.  The rain got heavier and heavier and as I began to get soaked, I asked God to do a few things for me.

I felt the warmth of the ground underneath my bare feet.  I felt the back of my Rejoice t-shirt becoming soaked with water and as it touched my back, the coolness was refreshing and shocking all at once.  We've had a bit of a heat wave here in NJ for the past several days, and I felt as parched as the atmosphere, the grass, the trees, and my potted plants that I've been so desperately trying to keep hydrated.  Without water, of course, they would perish, as their water source either comes from the sky, a human, or it just doesn't come at all.  The grass goes into hibernation, the trees, somehow, withstand the cold, the heat, droughts.  Trees amaze me with their fortitude and strength.  Potted plants, however, need the potters attention, love, nourishment and care.  I am that potter and I care for what is mine very much.  Maybe when it comes to me though, I lose touch.  After all, I am not the potter of myself.  Someone, something, has potted me, has allowed me this life, this breath, this moment, and if in this moment I am withering, it is the Master Potter who needs to tend to me.

I asked God to take away my pain and sadness.  I asked God to wash me clean and let all the impurities pour into the ground, into Mother Earth, and be reborn as something better.  I stood in the rain and asked God to notice me, to not forsake me, to renew my spirit, mind, body and soul.  I got soaked.

The rain has since stopped and I've come inside.  I took off my soaking wet Rejoice t-shirt and shorts and wrapped myself in the comfort of one of my long, white, cotton robes.  I took my hair out of its pony tail and brushed it as lovingly as I could.  I could feel the prana running through my body and trust me, after all the illness and drugs I've had to endure, this was an altogether much better feeling to be aware of.  I feel less sad.  I made myself a cup of tea and sat down at the computer.  As I sipped the hot tea I just made for myself, I thought of this blog and the fact that I've been posting so much about the physical and hardly anything about the spiritual.  I realize that it's partly because I've been so sick and partly because I haven't felt very spiritual.  I do feel somewhat like a worm that a bird dropped in the desert on its way back to feed its young.  The bird trying desperately to hang on to its catch, namely me, inadvertently dropped me and I landed in the worst possible of places. 

Lying in the arid desert is no place for spirit.  Or is it?

While standing in the pouring rain, I looked at all that was alive around me.  Everything was getting soaked, every leaf, every tree, every blade of grass, every delicate flower.  I could feel the somewhat localized yet universal sigh of relief after not having anything to drink for so long and then this abundance of grace.  I felt as if I belonged to all of it and I felt like it appreciated my 'free to experience the moment' presence all the while taking in what it had been waiting for for so long, and that's when I realized the desert is as appropriate a place as the side of the raging river.  Both offer an abundance of wisdom, knowledge and experience.  Both are spiritual places. 

Yes, I've been in the raging river and have enjoyed the laziness along side of it, but to be so far away from it, this I really have not enjoyed.  The dark night of soul is not an enjoyable experience.  The worm, when it realizes it will never make it back to source, gives itself over to the inevitable but the human knows better.  The human knows that one day it will return to source, one way or the other. 

For me, I am still walking out of the desert after just experiencing the best water mirage of my life.  It was so real.  It was so wet and it was so natural and unexpected.  So what am I worried about?  God would never leave me completely although the desert mirage is just as real.  One way or the other I will find my God and my God will find me, wanting. 

The world could never possibly fill my heart the way that rainfall did.  The world could never satisfy my thirst the way I know God can.  Even when my cup is empty, there is a cloud off in the distance with my name on it.  God has fashioned it this way.  He has made the high places, as well as the low.  He has allowed happiness and fullness of spirit, and he also allows sadness and emptiness.  He created the sand as well as the ocean.

If I'm smart, I will not avoid a single drop of rain but allow my soul to be submerged with an open heart, a clear conscience, and a desire to live another day, despite my circumstances.  If I'm smart, I will try to remember the raging river while in the desert.  If I'm smart, I will remember the laziness along side of the river as I battle and try to swim upstream.  If I'm smart, I will remember how wet it once felt while being as dry as I've ever been. 

"If" I'm smart.

Entities All Around

On May 13, 2013, I went to the Relay for Life to take my survivor lap with my dear friend and inspiration Mary-Lou Guisto.  We were both diagnosed with DCIS - ductal carcinoma insi tu, Mary-Lou diagnosed only 5 years ago.  Her cancer was Stage 2 at the time, and progressed to Stage 4.  Mine - Stage 0.  I am cancer free currently and if you've read my blog you know that I suffered complications from the Radiation Treatment.  Today is my last day of prednisone and I am almost fully recovered.

On July 3rd, we laid Mary-Lou to rest.  She was given only 6 months to live after her recent bone biopsy which showed that the cancer had progressed despite the treatment.  She had mastectomies, chemo, radiation, you name it.  She died within 5 years of diagnosis. 

Five years.

What would you do with 5 years if you that's all you had left?

I can tell you that Mary-Lou did not waste a single moment living strongly for her 3 surviving children, who were completely brokenhearted at her memorial, as you can imagine.  Her youngest is still in grade school, her oldest just sweet sixteen.

Words cannot express the love that was in the room at her memorial.  It was palpable.  She had so many people rooting for her to survive, and thrive.  One after the other, people gave their testimonies as to how Mary-Lou had affected their lives all in very positive, loving and funny ways. 

Mary-Lou and I have so much in common.  Both born in August.  Both Leo's.  Both strong heads with big hearts.  She was truly an inspiration to me especially when I was in complete denial that I actually even had cancer.  She was willing and able to help me at a moments notice if that's what I needed.  She told me that she knew all there was to know and if I needed anything, I could count on her despite the fact that she was still going through chemotherapy and the like, all the while taking care of her children and still working a full time teaching job.  That obviously changed this past school season as the cancer had been progressing and she just didn't feel that she could continue with all of her responsibilities.  Very intuitive.

The last few months of her life were spent taking care of herself and her family.  She was as devoted a mother as I've ever seen, as well as a devoted sister.  I can't imagine watching my sister suffer the way Mary-Lou's sister watched her, and eventually having to say goodbye to her.  Mary-Lou was given 6 months at her last doctor's visit.  She only lived less than 20 days after those words were spoken to her despite her best efforts.

A few weeks ago, we spent our last few hours together not knowing that this was the case.  I brought her to a healer - the same healer that I had visited recently.  She jumped at the chance to go and see him.  Even though I have been so under the weather, I wanted to be there and take her there, so I drove her.  I realized pretty quickly that she wouldn't have been able to drive herself as it was a ways away.  She was willing but her flesh was weak. 

We went for a late lunch afterward and then said our last goodbyes.  I never thought in a million years that would be the last time I would see her.  She looked great except for the fact that her belly was swelling (liver).  She was pretty cheerful despite her being uncomfortable.  She said "I feel the entities around me".  I couldn't feel them but I certainly believed her. 

If I had a second chance to speak with Mary-Lou, I would thank her for her courage and support.  I would hug her so tight and pray so very hard for her.  Harder than I did.  I would have asked her a million questions about the 'entities' and I would try so very hard to mend her broken heart.  She lived for her children and the past 5 years fighting were all about them.  She pushed harder than anyone I know, not for herself, but for her babies.  At our last lunch together I asked her point blank how she does it.  She reached in her purse and pulled out 3 school pictures;  one for each child.  She said "this is how".  Yeah.  She was a strong warrior never warring for herself, but selflessly warring for her family.  She would have given anything to stay here to raise her family and I would give anything to have her back.

I wonder why God would take Mary-Lou and leave me here for a little longer, I mean, I have no children, just 3 devoted cats.  My marriage is broken.  My family is all together not together and I really don't have the kind of roots that she had.  It makes me crazy.  She should've survived.  Damn cancer.  I hate it.  

I have a few more friends that are fighting this nasty disease and I am horrified by the prospect.  I understand that physical, human life is temporal and fleeting but when you're in the thick of illness, it seems so very real and long suffering.  I pray for the cure.  I pray that this country would be less driven by money and more driven by compassion.  BTW, hemp oil has been proven to cure cancer without any side effects.  Why the hell isn't America getting behind these studies and making this plant based drug available to everyone?  Well, we all know the answer and that's the real cancer in this world.  Greed.  Money.  Profit.  It's pretty disgusting.  That being said, I will continue to keep the faith and fight the good fight.  I will never surrender.  I will never give up on myself, or any of my friends who are fighting.  I will always believe that this is beatable.  Mary-Lou did not die in vain and while I love having Angels in heaven, I would have much rather done the Relay for Life with her in 2014 then to walk my lap alone.  It's just not fair. 

To Mary-Lou:  I love you dear one.  I will pray for you and your family for the rest of my life.  I am looking forward to seeing you in my dreams, in my inspiration, in my hopes and thoughts.  I know that you are all Spirit now, fully and completely.  You paved the way for me with your life and now you are paving the way for me with your human passing.  I look forward to seeing you again my friend.  Thank you for your last words to me:  "Thank you so much my friend.  Immense love xoxo".  I say the same right back to you.  Sleep with many Angels Mary-Lou and please, visit often, stay late, and impart your heavenly wisdom to me.  Trust me, I need it.