Life, In General

I think I'm finally calming down.

I've been on prednisone for a couple of weeks now for my asthmatic attack and it has taken it's toll. Prednisone is a corticosteroid hormone (glucocorticoid) and while my breathing has returned to normal, my attitude is something entirely different. I feel anxious and angry and upset at mostly everything.

My beautiful sister sent me a card to brighten my day and it made me cry.

The smallest of efforts it seems are being rewarded with the biggest of obstacles. Today was tough and it's only 2:19 pm. Just now I ran to the bank - the drive through - because God forbid I should have to get out of the car.

As soon as I turned into the bank I see this old timer sitting, waiting to pick the 'right' lane which were both occupied. I was infuriated. Just go behind one of the cars and be done with it is what I was thinking. What I wanted to do was lean on my horn so hard that his hat flipped off his head. Move! Go! Get out of my way! But no, he waited and leisurely picked his lane.

I swiftly chose the other lane and waited. Apparently, the old timer knew something I didn't. The lane I chose had a loser that couldn't find anything that he needed to put into the tube for deposit.

I just shook my head thinking - okay. I failed that test too.

I didn't pray today. I didn't meditate. I did watch the inauguration and was delighted that the Lord's Prayer was recited - I guess I did pray since I prayed along. But that seemed to be the only bright spot on the horizon so far.

I haven't slept the whole night through since this new year began including last night.

It's 27 degrees here in NJ and it snowed again last night. Although the sun is shining - I can barely feel the heat.

So what's happening? Why is this so hard? Am I being too hard on myself and everyone around me? My husband thinks so I'm sure of it. But he doesn't understand.

I'm all of 130 pounds, 5'5'' taking steroids and thank God xanax for anxiety, but that has to stop.

I'm breathing better now, and I've taken my last steroid as of yesterday. Could it be that the drugs which were decreased slowly are having an adverse affect on me - or am I just miserable?

I'm not sure.

I do know I don't like myself much these days. I think I'm depressed. I think I'm fighting depression I should say. I fight just about everything except being in my mother's arms.

I finally got to see my Mom the other day. All I could bring myself to do was tuck myself into her and feel her holding me - for as long as she'd allow me to. I didn't want to get up from her.

I wanted to stay there forever. Her voice was so comforting. The vibration in her voice was comforting on a cellular level. It made me whole. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

I am not a child - but the child in me still needs her mother. I will always need my mother and apparently, xanax for a little a longer.

Don't feel sorry for me. That's not what this is about. This is about getting healthy and letting go of bad habits, making changes for a healthier lifestyle and getting out of my own way so that I can actually help somebody, somewhere. As cousin Lisa says - that has to be good for something - my intention I mean.

I really do want to help others but how can I if I'm emotionally unstable, depressed, sick, dependent or co-dependent for that matter?

I'm not sure about all of this rambling. I really didn't have anything else to blog about - I'm not feeling like much of an inspiration lately and would you believe my Reiki business cards came in the mail today?

I stepped out in faith and ordered them when I had a blissful moment a few days ago. I ordered them online and thought they'd take at least three weeks to get here. To my surprise they came today and I feel so unworthy of them.

But, I'm not supposed to rely solely on my feelings am I? I am a child of the Most High God - where is my faith? Where is my strength? Why all the confusion?

Why all the resistance? Am I changing too much too fast? Am I not changing enough fast enough? Have I gone back and done all the work to move forward into the future? Am I in denial?

Damn pharmaceuticals - they help, but they definitely hinder. Where would I be without them right now? Probably dead. But what of my spirit?

I know this too shall pass - I just hope I'm not making a complete mess of it all.