Right On Time

It wasn't until I grabbed the scalding hot handle of the frying pan that my mind stopped racing.   I had been  cooking, ranting, crying, expressing great disappointment and sadness.  I put the already hot frying pan in a 400 degree oven for a few minutes to finish, promptly took it out with an oven mitt and placed it on the stove, all the while still weeping.  I turned to get some utensils and turning back to the white hot frying pan, tears streaming, heart bursting with sadness, I grabbed that handle with the grip of ten women.  In the split second it took to grab that scorching hot handle, I became present enough to accept the burn as part of the lesson.  After all, it was too late at that point, my skin had already been seared like my dinner, and now, I finally slowed down enough to get it.  I dropped the pan and allowed myself just a little more sobbing, ranting, crying and expressing great disappointment and sadness while running my hand under cold water.

That was one bitter dinner.

Maine is one of my favorite places to visit and Jimmy and I were so looking forward to this trip.  We loved to take long journeys in the RV and this was a big one for us driving from our Garden State to the furthest most point in the Eastern United States.  We were both very excited, busy with preparations, plans, discussions and details.  It was also my birthday week and I was very happy with the prospect of celebrating in Maine, on Cadillac Mountain!  We were deep in conversation crossing things off of mental lists and the next thing I know, I am falling backward looking at Jim but he's too far away to save me.  Everything slowed down and in a warped split second in time, I was on the basement floor, holding my broken wrist and I hear myself crying, "I BROKE it".  Then I hear Jim saying, "NOOOooo"!  I grabbed my wrist and began doing Reiki, speaking healing, but similar to the burn experience, presence of mind was somewhat lacking and then, I went into shock.  

Of course, this begs the question, "What the hell were you thinking"?

Jimmy and I had a nice little bit of time at the ER that night to come up with all sorts of answers.  We got to ponder it for quite the long while after that having to endure our beautiful vacation with a brick on my arm, followed by six weeks of occupational therapy once the cast came off, and healing bone glory that lasted just about a whole year, all to regain the use of what was my perfect hand just prior.  

Well, I wasn't thinking, was I?  Not clearly anyway.  

I was thinking many exciting thoughts simultaneously, and I was planning a lot of things, but I was not present.  While speaking with Jim, lost in thought, planning and talking, another part of me was reliving my teenage years remembering riding a skateboard barefoot in the street.  In my defense, I am a bit of a tomboy so, naturally, I absentmindedly stepped on the back of that skateboard that had been in my garage for a few years, brand new, never used, wrapped in plastic.  I had taken it from the garage earlier in the week in preparation of giving it to a friend with younger brothers.  I obviously did not give it away fast enough.  Stupid?  Yes.  Daring?  Absolutely.  Did I remember to step on the front of the board and not the back?  Yes, as soon as I hit that terribly hard, slate floor, my right wrist bone fractured and I could no longer use my hand.  Funny how the mind works like that.  

I became quite proficient using my left hand that Summer.  The lessons came one right after the other, I'm sure you can imagine, brushing your teeth, brushing your hair, feeding yourself, cleaning yourself, showering, all with your non dominant hand.  It became so exceptionally hard to do anything and everything that I also became quite proficient in overcoming.  

Presence of mind can be a tricky little bugger.  Sometimes we think we are so present, and we are sound asleep dreaming, remembering, worrying, fretting, angering, waring, creating so much drama in our experience, it's a wonder we can produce anything of true value in our lives.  The scale tips in both directions for me, and probably you as well.  My highs were too high, and my lows, way too low.

I am still pretty proficient at this.

Last week, I once again, burned myself in almost the same manner as I had in the past.  And, when I say past, it was a few years ago that I burned my hand, and even more since I broke my wrist.  I am wondering, what has changed?

I have the word 'joy' tattooed on my left wrist and the burn from my stove came so close to it.  It actually has two places with second degree burns, and the rest is clearly first.  The symbolism is not lost on me.  There is something inside of me that still needs to burn, transmute, change, no longer be and what ever it is, it is burning me on the inside and out.  It has the potential to steal my joy, if I allow it, if I am not careful, present, discerning.  I know I am not alone in my challenges.  I know there are many broken and distracted hearts out there in our beautiful world.  I am wondering when I will be truly whole enough to help them.  I know it all starts with me and I am putting my thoughts and energy into myself, not outside somewhere.

Without me, there is no story.  Without me, there are no victories, or losses to learn from.  Without me, there is no game and while I have suffered, I have also overcome.  While I have lamented, I have also rejoiced.  While I have cried, I have also laughed so hard, tears of joy have streamed down my cheeks onto my chest.  I have been soaked in joyful tears, as well as sorrowful ones, and I will always choose to overcome and bounce back.  

I will always choose joy.

But what if others around aren't joyful?  What if they do not choose joy?  Well, don't worry about them.  Just be the joy and they will see your radiance and be perplexed by it.  They won't understand it but they'll be drawn to it.  Just shine your light, no matter what happens and know that with each experience, each joy, each sorrow, we are growing in knowing who we are, what we are, what we want to experience and what we don't.  Don't accept the situation.  Challenge it.  Challenge yourself to be more present, to go slower and to appreciate the abundance, endless choices and possibilities life affords.  Life is really so very magical to me and despite a lot of hardship, I am such a happy person.  Deep down in my soul, I am happy and have enough to spare.  I love to make people smile, warm and happy.   I love to uplift a sorrowful heart.  I love to turn a frown upside down.  :)  Sounds trite again, but it isn't.  Your smiling face is like the rays of the sun beaming out to the world.  If you're sad, let it out.  If you're angry, let it out, get it out, but don't cook while you're doing it.  Do one thing at a time, right on time, and do it well.  You will have less scars in the end and you'll be able to enjoy your dinners and vacations a whole lot more.  

If nothing else, learn from my experience.  It is leading me to what I am to be.

The Deep End to Enlightenment

I love metaphors.  I can chew on them all day and when you get right down to it, they're pretty darn accurate when it comes to descriptors of life and all it's complexity.  We oversimplify things, and we exaggerate, but sometimes a metaphor is like a lightning bolt ripping chords of illumination through the entire thinking process of our lives and we get 'ah ha' moments, as the avatar Oprah likes to say.   It is the ultimate equalizer.  

At any given moment in our life experience we can choose a metaphor to best describe the complexities of it so that others can have a deeper appreciation of what our unique sensory translation is at that time.  We all experience life differently.  Our unique brains and even more unique personal past experiences are deciphering our sensory input on an exponential level and, I believe with our transcendence into the 5D realm, we are able to compute on new, express levels, if you will.   But, we still speak pretty much the same language.  There are some new words and phrases, as with anything new, but at the end of the day, we get it, whether we admit it, or not.

Technology is not the only thing advancing on the planet, heaven forbid.  Technology is but a reflection of the advancement of the human that created it, and we have truly transcended, or so it would seem to a dedicated few in comparison to the whole of the world's population.  This is where 'the deep end' comes in.

In this new age of transcendence, holding onto that which no longer serves you is going to be a little bit more costly than usual.  Your spiritual, emotional, physical and mental currency will have to be utilized in this new dimension.  Those that choose to remain in their old patterned mindsets will have to pay dearly because when the Universe, and Mother Nature, and Universal Consciousness decided that NOW is the time to ascend to a higher level of thinking, living and being, and the human chooses to defy this, well, it has a reverberation that will show up much faster than before.  2016 is promising to be a year of great change, the likes of which we have never experienced here on Earth before, and if what I am saying is true, if you haven't already decided, you will continually be prompted, repeatedly called to make the necessary adjustments, as we are one and no one is excluded, even those that exclude themselves.

The downside to the status quo may show up as grave illness, strife, stress, or depression that drowns itself.  The good news is that if you choose to transcend, Spirit will never let you drown.  In an instant you can choose to become more than you've ever been.  It has always been your choice.  There comes a time in one's life when you have to choose.  You have to face a system of discontent that no longer serves the bigger picture.  You have to decide, firstly, whether or not you want to admit that there even is discontent, and if you get that far in your truth, you can go further to the root of the cause.  Once you get there, you can start to apply a loving, healing principle to transmute the discontentment into contentment, at the very least, or, ideally, a complete clearing back to creative energy.

But, most of us just 'throw out' (there is no 'out', btw) stuff in the deep end and hang out in the shallows. Who wants to do all that work?  Why can't we just be happy and not talk about those things?  Why can't we just say it's a new day and get on with it?  Well, of course we can.  And, the truth is, most of us do just that.  We ignore our truth.  We ignore others.  We play pretend, or worse, we're the real ugly deal.  But, when you live in the olympic size pool of life, you do not get to choose which depth you lead with.  You bring the whole energy pool.  You think you're swimming in pristine waters, you think you look amazing in your perfectly chosen suit of illusion, but water is transparent, and especially when it's not, everyone can see it. 

So, how can we clean up the water in the entire pool (ocean of life, our hearts and minds), not just the deep end where everything accumulates?  Always start with the densest stuff first.  If there's bacteria, debris, poison or toxicity, it has to go first, or, the entire pool will become infected, remain infected, cause infection, be infection (or dis-ease).  

For me, I didn't just store stuff in the deep end, I labeled stuff and had it all organized.  I had all my stories, reasons, justifications, understandings, because's, you name it.  Every single wave in the deep end of my life was weighed down, or tagged with something that even had an anchor to keep it in place, lest I forget to remind you.  You could wake me out of a sound sleep and ask me to cue up one of those waves and I could with clarity, emotion, charge and expression frozen in time, recount every experience without an ounce of clearing.  Completely exhausting, non-transcending, sickening really.  And, I did get sick, and even though my body healed from all of that holding on, my soul, my heart, my mind were still creating the same old program:  take all pain and sink it in the deep end and then avoid it at all costs, pretend it's not even there, maybe it will just go away.

I've had to learn how to swim all over again, many times.  I've had to find the instructors, study the lessons, apply what I had learned and enduring, excel at and pass quite the many exams.

Thankfully, I had a great swimming coach and program as a child.    The coach was patient and kind and the program was simple.  First, all the children were lovingly acquainted, then encouraged and acclimated with the shallow end of the pool and the cold water.  We were taught to be courageous and not intimidated, respectful, yet playful.  We were asked to sit down in a row on the pool's edge putting feet first in the water, where we were all taught to kick as one.  It was a lot of fun splashing around adults with freedom and no fear of consequence.   Once we got going, we never wanted to stop.  This was great.  If this was swimming, this was going to be a breeze.   It was light and exciting, and one of the easier lessons.

Then, the instructor upped the ante and we were asked to stand in a row putting our faces into the clear, cold water and blow bubbles.  He instructed us to turn our chins up and out to inhale, and then back down in the water to exhale blowing bubbles again.  Some struggled with this, and rightfully so.  They loved the blowing bubbles part, but the brain is wired to survive and submerging your face in the water without any prior reference point as to how to breathe life sustaining air except to GET IT  OUT, is a natural response until you learn to trust in some very effective breathing techniques that when applied, make the prior, very real panic and attention grabbing notions of getting out, or freaking out, unreasonable.  We all encouraged one another and laughed at ourselves.  Deep down, no one wanted to get out.  We all wanted to learn how to trust the instruction process, especially for beautiful, hot Summer days where you can cool off without a care in the world.

We were taught coordination putting arm strokes together with breathing while still standing in the shallows with the deep waters in clear sight.  And slowly, we were inched into eight feet of water where we were all lined up along the side of the pool holding on with both hands.  We extended our legs behind us and all began kicking as one machine.  No one could touch the bottom of the pool and when we realized this we all giggled with excitement because of what we had achieved.  

Then the day came when we asked to learn the meaning of perseverance while treading water in the deep end.  With only a swim stroke between us and the side of the pool, we were asked to float and tread water until they told us to stop.  At this point, endurance, sheer faith and determination ensues unless you never try that day.  I don't remember anyone quitting.  We all successfully learned to tread water and went on to the next level.

We practiced daily with exercises and the instructor was sure to let us have free swim and play time as well.  We played and practiced and once we mastered all levels, we were allowed to begin to put it all together.   How long can you hold your position without swimming just bobbing there kicking and flowing?

We all learned how to swim above and below the water, no matter what the depth.  We learned to do laps, and we eventually learned to do deep retrieval diving, as well as high board springing.  It was a most comprehensive and effective program to help anyone navigate any pool with gallons and gallons of clear, cold, refreshing water.  We were all asked to do the same as everyone else, but it was obvious that we were all at different levels.  It didn't matter.  The goal was the same for everyone and if it hadn't been for this program, we would have just continued to pretend (as children do) to know how to navigate the deep end, as well as playfully, cautiously and effectively avoiding it.

It didn't end there.  After the lessons of acquaintance and acclimation, love, courage, encouragement, respect, playful trust, coordination, perseverance, application techniques and practice, came the very public testing days where we were all gauged to determine where we were allowed to even be in the pool, at any given time.  That decision was not your own until you reached a certain level where the instructors didn't have to instruct anymore, but the lifeguards still had to maintain a presence and an overall observance of all happenings.

Everyone is watching everyone else.  It's the exciting and terrific day color coded bathings caps are given out clearly indicating who can swim where.  Everyone can see each others progress which we were asked to display.  Each had to humbly stand, practically naked in our swimsuits beside the seemingness endless amounts of water and each other, and follow the instructors prompts.  We each had to jump or dive in the above our head water at around 8 feet, swim across to the other side and back, go down in and retrieve a metal pipe lying on the bottom of the pool floor, jump or dive off the highest diving board, we were asked to do it all.  Some of us excelled as far as you can in the program and some were moderate to intermediate swimmers.   I suppose there may have been a quitter or two, but I was unaware of them from my vantage point.  It didn't matter.  We were all in the same pool together given the same opportunity.  There were shallows and deep waters.  There were fears and obstacles to overcome.  There were guides, counselors, teachers and lifeguards.  There were experienced and first time swimmers.  We were all there somewhere in the mix and, we were all one.

Can you imagine if the coach just threw us in the water without any instruction?  Surely after that, we would never attempt the deep end and maybe not even the pool at all.  Whatever was going on down at that end of the pool would just have to remain a mystery, but life is both the deep and the shallows.  It's the shady chairs and it's the sun deck.  It's the deep, rich tan and the palest skin.  It's the warmth of the sun and the cool of the water.  It's the smoothness of a babies cheek turned toward the sky, and it's an old woman's wrinkles as she lathers on sun screen.  It's the instructor and the student.  It's the life guard and the swimmer.  Life is both the sparkling pool waters in Summer, and sparkling ice crystals in Winter.  You would never deny one and only choose the other, well, you could try, but eventually balance wins.

And so, it's a new year.  If you've not cleaned out the deep end of your pool yet, you may want to just take a walk around and look at what's accumulating.  How does it feel to know that there's stuff down there?  How does it feel to know that you are in charge and you are allowing this in your life?  Can you truly feel free and clear knowing that you're running out of depth?  Can you still truly feel good?  Eventually, the water will have no room.   Eventually something will overcome.  Eventually, you may go to take a dip in your pool and find cement instead of what was once beautiful clean, clear, flowing water.  

Go to the deep end.  Try to learn to float again.  Can you freely tread water out in the deep, or does it become overwhelming?  Perhaps start by filtering out shame, guilt, apathy, grief, fear, desire, anger, pride, stories, reasons, justifications, and because's.  Get to feeling at least neutral about the deep end, instead of avoidance.   As you continue, reach for courage, and these will follow:  clarity, willingness, acceptance, reason (not reasons), love, joy, peace and enlightenment.

Learning to swim is a lot like learning to ascend, or transcend a new realm.  There are teachers, teachings, techniques, and lessons, and effective programs to assist you in your renewing of your mind, spirit, soul.  Just go within.  

What keeps you out?

That's what it's all about.  It's simple really.  Connect to your heart.  Stay there for a long while.  Then engage your mind.  If the mind is conflicted in the light of the heart, just allow your mind to be renewed with the weightless life raft of true, real, transcending love.  Sprinkle the deep end with love buoys of forgiveness for self, and others.  Create unity in your family and your community.  Make it your life's work.  Be diligent and relentless in teaching yourself how to float and swim in the clear waters of transcendence taking all experiences and wringing them out into beautiful drops of wisdom and grace.

Like the bottomless boats that allow you to see all that transpires, be so translucent that when others see you, they just see the clear waters of your weightless soul, free, swimming and flowing with all that is, for the highest good of all.   

And, so it is.

Namaste and, go for a swim won't you?  

  

Inner Pearl

Here I sit trying to decide just how much of my inner pearl I want to share with you. Life, it seems, has thrown me another curve ball to deal with, this one having to do with more emotion than one person should have to handle.

Interesting since working with energy has so much to do with emotion. As soon as I became involved with Reiki, unresolved emotions from my past, fears and concerns about my future and the present unsettled moment kept coming into focus. The time to clean house had come whether I welcomed it or not. This was a good thing, though at the time, quite gut wrenching.

I dealt with all of it, so I thought.

The lessons I should've learned from some past similar experiences have come around full circle. Truly, what goes around comes around. Even if you try your hardest, sometimes somethings are coming for you and they're going to hit you squarely so take them when they come so as to avoid repeat fire.

I've taken this one squarely.

I'm still standing and I'm emotionally wounded, but I'm beginning to heal and move forward. It may look like I'm standing still, but if you look closely you will see that progress is being made.

What is the elephant in the room you ask? Well, I really don't want to get into specifics, but I will say that trust is something that I value, that and truth now more than ever.

I feel that I am a very trustworthy person. I have been known to say that I am a safe bet. Why? Because I know the value of the truth. It's priceless. When no one else will speak the truth - when the whole world has convinced itself that to lie is better than honesty - I will be there saying 'hell no'. I can't help it. I'm not even known to sugar coat. Personally, I think I've gotten better at it - telling the truth that is.

Perhaps when I was younger I needed to express 'my' truth - even at the expense of other people's feelings. I've since learned to be more sensitive than that. I was young and learning. Now, I'm seasoned and have had enough of life's experiences to know that the truth can set you free and really hurt - so be gentle with it - but, speak it at all costs.

Which brings me to trust.

One of my favorite things to tell my cat Cricket, a.k.a. Crispy Whispy, is that she is 'safe, loved and protected'. I tell her that because she clearly has anxiety at times from some kitten hood trauma she had experienced before I rescued her. I've had to convince her for the past ten years that she's safe. She's loved. She's protected. She's starting to trust me I think after all these years, but she still has a lot of anxiety. I've had to build a relationship of trust with her. I work really hard at it. My heart breaks for her since it's such a deep rooted emotion for her not to trust.

I can so relate to that. I've had my share of disappointments as it pertains to my relationships. I had to learn to trust again. Which I did. Until now. Again.

Now, I'm going inside where there's stillness, and quiet and clarity and remembering what Jesus said about humanity and that He knew what was in 'us'. I think He was speaking of the fact that sometimes people will let you down and take your trust and make you regret giving it away. Let's be clear. It is a risk - trusting. Where I come from anyway.

It is a risk but one that I am willing to take. I believe in myself and in the core values that make me who I am. I believe in faith, in trust, in truth, in love.

My eyes, however, are wide open. I've seen enough in my humble life to know that not everyone has your best interest at heart. Sometimes, you have to figure things out for yourself. Protect yourself. Make sure that you are loved, safe and protected, by yourself! I trust me. I am a sure and safe bet. I will not let me down.

That is a good place to start. Again.

Beauty For Ashes

As far as blogging goes, I've not been great at posting on a regular basis. It's not that I don't have the time or that I don't have something to say, I do most days. I guess life just gets complicated and my attention can only move towards that which gives me energy on a more immediate basis. Don't get me wrong, I love this blog and I'm amazed at how much I've changed since the first entry. I am definetly not what I used to be, but then again who is?

This blog is a testament to my life or at least what I choose to share about it. You must know that I keep really personal stuff close to the cuff because being completely transparent scares me, but what I learn I usually do try and share. I'd like to think that that's what my life is about or at least that's what this blog is about, learning and sharing, but there are so many people 'out there' that are not listening so I wonder sometimes what the point is?

Have you ever felt like that? Like no ones listening? Sure they hear, but the deep understanding that brings change, healing and life...is that message falling on deaf ears?

I mean, humanity has learned so much on this planet and we're still at war with one another. We war on all levels. When we're not out and out killing one another with weapons we're killing each other with lies and deception. What becomes of all this?

Scripture says God will give us beauty for ashes, but there are just too many ashes wouldn't you say? At some point, wouldn't God say "Okay, people! I thought each of you might burn one thing and sense the destruction and forever banish the burning"! "I thought you would learn from each other's mistakes". "But you've chosen to make bon fires four times a day to destroy that which I have built up, get behind me Satan!"

We've made sport of it now.

Destruction for destruction's sake?

Are our hands dirty?

Is anything sacred anymore?

Well, of course the answer is yes, but you have to search for it sometimes. God, and the peace that transcends all understanding, is something you must earnestly search for. You must be in attendance, in prayer, in contemplation, in silence, in stillness so that when the trials and tribulations of this lifetime come clearly into focus, you can stand firm on your foundation of truth and not waiver in the sight of such confusion.

Beauty for ashes? Of course. If you think hard enough you will see that your life has always been about that.

Walking The Straight Path

Today is a great day. Indeed, I usually say that about most days, unless something terrible has happened and even then, I'm learning to see that that too is a great day. I feel really well. In fact, my wrist is doing things I haven't done in months and I am gratefully relieved.

I'm exercising, doing yoga and getting back to what I would consider normal and that is what I'm all about and today I felt the best I've felt in months. I know I'm starting to repeat myself, but I cannot over emphasize this seeing as how it took everything I had in me to get back to this place. Giving up was not an option and honestly, the hard work is paying off. It always does.

And my journey? It continues but on a much deeper and yet somehow lighter level. I wanted to get to the next level. I called this all into existence...this and some other things that I shall not mention. But let's just say be careful what you think about, what you wish for, what you call into existence because ultimately it will fall right in your lap and if you don't know what to do with it...you surely will find out and let's hope you're a fast learner.

I've been a fast learner and yes, lessons do repeat themselves if you don't learn them the first time. You see them coming from a mile away but it's too late. You're smack dab in the middle of it shaking your head wondering how you got there. But sanity speaks to the soul and says...you...you brought yourself here. It has always been that way and it always will be that way.

So....where do you want to go? Or, better question...where are you? Are you okay where you are or do you need to make some navigational changes about where you're heading?

Don't be afraid to make changes. You're supposed to.

Like...becoming more conscious about our choices and our decisions. Things don't just randomly happen to us. Typically. Sure, very occasionally a meteor will fall from the sky and hit someone's house, but other than that, we've created the lives we have. This is not random. And when I say 'the lives we have', I mean the way you feel about your life is entirely up to you. Many things are outside of your ability to manipulate them because there are other people involved, but for the most part, you can speak great joy and triumph into your circumstances with your beliefs alone.

If you believe something can get better, it can. It's that simple. On the other hand, if you believe that it cannot, well, that is also true...it cannot.

Which mindset would you rather embrace? For me personally, you already know. I will not settle for less.

It can always get better and with a lot of hard work, it can get best.

So, my arm is going to be completely whole. It already is, I just haven't crossed that day yet. It is in the not too distant future because I have called it into being and just as I am back to typing 90 wpm with very little effort, doing yoga and working towards a 90 degree angle in my wrist, this too shall pass.

That being said, I'm going to try to be a little more careful about what I'm calling into being. No more broken bones. No more hand surgery or any other surgery for that matter. I can appreciate pain, long-suffering, healing, patience, and a whole list of virtues now that perhaps I hadn't in the past. Please God, continue to make my path straight, straight into the Light of your will.

The Sugar Bowl Lesson

I was unable to sleep, feed myself, brush my hair, cook...the list went on and on. Truth be told I still can't do most of those things since breaking my wrist in July, but thankfully now with physical therapy (I have a phenomenal hand therapist, more about Lynn later), I'm looking for and already starting to see improvements. Sleep is returning to normal. Left over pain meds are in the cabinet and I'm well on my way to some hard work. I'm quite determined to regain full use of my arm, wrist, and hand and am now realizing that this is going to take some time. Realistically, I'm looking at at least six months before my wrist is not what I think about first thing in the morning.

I learned that from all the surgeries, sicknesses, and pain I've had before. We tend to look for our weaknesses and even pain, first thing in the morning...is it still here...do I still have it? Well, where thoughts go energy flows so its best to be careful. Make sure you are expectant of a good report in the morning occasionally (always). It'll do your body a world of good.

Why don't Doctors tell us that? I know that healing is pretty relative to 'what you think' as opposed to what their experience has been, but that doesn't mean everyone else does. They don't know what you think, what your intentions are, if your depressed or not, if you are a helper or a hindrance to your healing. They don't know and frankly, they do not care. They will gladly give you medicine to assist you but discuss your thinking as part of the healing process? That discussion is off the table for now, but not for long if I have anything to say about it. I need people to realize that they dictate the terms of their healing as well as mental and spiritual well being. You determine the health and wellness of your body, your mind and your spirit.

Which brings me to The Sugar Bowl Lesson, a perfect lesson in human frailty, acceptance, and perseverance. It was only three days after my accident and I was left alone for the day with a two ton cast on my arm, a deflated ego, and a weak and hungry body. I decided a hot cup of tea would do the trick. I slowly made my way into the kitchen and with my left hand grabbed the tea kettle and filled it up with water and placed it on the stove. After successfully turning the gas on, I stopped to rest. Sure, I hadn't done much, but it was exhausting and painful.

As I waited for the water to boil I replayed the accident over in my head deliberately. It had replayed in my mind for a few days without my permission and it was just starting to be less painful to visualize, I mean I would wince with pain every time the image of me flying off the skateboard appeared in my brain as a random thought. I started to think about all of my limitations, followed by the shame and embarrassment I felt for stepping so unconsciously on that thing, then I focused on the pain and swelling I was experiencing, and then pity. As I sat there feeling sorry for myself, thankfully the water began boiling and the tea pot whistled as if it had had enough. It snapped me back into the moment and I got up and poured the boiling water into my tea cup. Whew! Unscathed! Ahhhh.

After pouring the milk I went in for the pretty, glass sugar bowl. Lefty mind you...not very smooth. All at once, I'm not sure how, the sugar bowl hit the kitchen floor with such precision that every grain of sugar and every broken piece of glass were now shattered and thrown all around my bare feet.

My thinking process went something like......'I can't believe this is happening!! I can't move. I can't reach the broom. I can't clean this up! I can't! I can't! I can't'! And for a few minutes I didn't. I looked at the mess I made and thought 'oh great, another accident...how could I'? and then I cried like a baby. I cried. Then I prayed for strength. I prayed and I thought 'all's I need now is to get cut'. Really. THAT would've sucked big time. But getting cut was not on the horizon. It never happened.

What did happen is that I realized how f*cking strong I am. I started to calm myself down and wiped the tears from my face. I looked around in disbelief again and took a deep accepting breath. I made my way over to the broom by bending down and picking up the glass-sugar-bowl shards along the way with my left hand. Now, sweeping with one hand is not easy. Using a dustpan with one hand is not easy. But, I am here to tell you, it may not be easy, but it is possible! Somehow, by the Grace of God I was able to clean up the mess!

Seriously! I've been through some stuff and I may have my moments, but I will not be beaten. I will not be over run, I will not be defeated -- especially by myself. I cleaned up that mess, with a cast on one arm and in a lot of pain. I imagined that if I could overcome that moment, I could overcome anything. It was such a helpless feeling before the tea kettle boiled, but God would say not so much. Although the sugar bowl was destroyed, I am not. Sure the sugar bowl represents a vessel...and so do I....and even if I was broken lying on the floor, I am still so very capable and useful...and useable. Judge not lest ye be judged.


God refines us by turning up the heat a little bit to show us truly, what were made of.

What are you made of?

Melancholy Baby

Today was a sort of melancholy day for me...and something that always makes me feel better is a little Paul Simon.