It occurs to me that I am always exactly where I am supposed to be, even if the path I chose was not exactly on the chartered course. I pray and God listens. God speaks and I listen, hopefully. I haven't always been the best listener because in the past, I was in too much pain to hear anything besides the futile complaints in my head. Pain demands attention, pity demands attention, brokenness demands attention, and I gave it all the attention I had. It was either that or continue manifesting pain and I really did not want that intentionally. Some people like pain and expect it and look for it. I'm very content with the absence of pain to the degree that joy shows up and makes it all better. I'm kind of in that place at this point. I'm not allowing yet another disappointment to get under my skin. I'm not allowing anything, or anyone, to get under my skin, not like I used to.
It's an amazing thing to be able to witness my journey from an objective standpoint. Most of us are too critical and too emotional to look at our own behavior, thoughts and actions with wonder. We usually operate from an impulsiveness rather than consciousness. We typically operate from a 'I recognise this and it's always been this in the past, so this must be what it is now that the future has arrived' mentality when in actuality, nothing ever stays the same, so why should I? I was an expert at that in the past. Today, however, is a much brighter day. I am able to observe that which I could not before. I am able to refrain from a typical, knee-jerk response and contemplate a different outcome, or at least react a lot less negatively and a lot more positively. I do have a breaking point though and just like anyone who is trying to be more mindful will tell you, it's not always easy. The minute you say 'I've got it all under control' the tests begin, or at least your awareness becomes much more keen to the things that would have normally sent you reeling but now don't seem to sting at all. It's like being in a batting cage. You see the machine setting up, loading with soft balls to the brim and BAM!!, a brand new soft ball comes barrelling toward you. You either take a swing and hit it, miss entirely or in some cases get hit hard.
In my past batting cage experience, I was always still thinking about stepping into the cage, the placement of my hands, or stance, or the helmet or the hair in my eyes. Back then, I was completely distracted, confused and occupied and could barely even recognize that I was in a batting cage at all. I knew I was in one, but I was not fully prepared for the first pitch. Or the second, or third. It's like finding yourself in the ocean at the shore's edge without even realizing you had waded out and now the waves are hitting you one after the other. In no way are you 'going with the flow', you're actually resisting and getting pounded by the inevitable constant that are the waves of life.
Now? Now, before I even step into the batting cage the reel is already played out in my head and I enter with fierce determination accepting nothing but success. Success is completely different for everyone and for me is not hitting every ball out of the park. Every ball is not meant to go out of the park. Some are meant to advance a different player. Some are meant to run aground. Some are destined to be a foul ball. No, success for me is being present throughout the entire process so as to be able to assess my progress and participation to make the very next moment even better than the last. Success is being prepared. Success for me is taking complete responsibility for stepping into the cage to begin with, bringing all of my equipment to be successful and then carrying out the task at hand with the passion and drive that only excellence can bring. That's what I strive for anyway. But there are so many obstacles that one could lose heart. One could, and I have, at times. I've come close to quitting the game. I'm an all together different player now, however, and my game is better than ever. I'm way less competitive toward others and mainly compete against myself and my own standings, as it were.
Do I miss? But, of course. Life can be very much like a batting cage and the lessons therein are immeasurable. You miss, but you learn why. You miss, but you apply what you've learned so as not to miss next time. You miss but you keep on trying.
I have recovered from many an injury sustained in the batting cage of life. I am blessed to say that I still have the strength and desire to get in it every day and do the very best that I can do. My journey in the last ten years has radically changed everything about me and my life except my passion. God has allowed many obstacles and many balls to hit me, teach me, break me, and yet, He has also allowed me to hit several of them. I think the most important thing that I've learned about life is that the ball park analogy is a good one depending on where you are in the stages of enlightenment. I don't want to be attached to any balls lobbed at me one way or the other. I don't want to be defined by any single moment of defeat or success. I don't want to be attached to any notion that life is a challenge or a thing to be overcome. The analogy of the batting cage is only applicable for a time or a season in our journey. The process of evolution or enlightenment gifts us with the knowledge and wisdom that love is all there is and love is never a competition with ourselves or anyone else. Love is all there is.
I'm through with the status quo. I'm through with pasty white, glue-like thinking that doesn't get beyond self-imposed boundaries, primitive self-loathing, petty competitiveness, envy and jealousy that does nothing but block the flow of the very energy that sustains us. I am not allowing anyone to block my Qi anymore. Perhaps I should say that I'm through with people that perpetuate that behavior. I am an empath. I feel everything. I have worked hard to learn how to ground myself, forgive myself, heal myself, free up stagnant energy from past hurts and disappointments and with the help of the Holy Spirit, teach myself some very important 'ground rules to life' lessons. You don't get to play hard ball with me anymore unless I know you're present and grounded. If you're not, I must treat you that way. I have to protect the pearls that I have attained because trust me, they were not easy to get. Given half a chance, some people will gladly crush your pearls and not only watch you cry, but hang on your tears like an athlete hangs onto achievement awards. I've met too many people in my lifetime that have only their own hearts to please and what I've learned from them is paramount to my success. What I've learned from them is never to be taken for granted. What I've learned from them God has allowed. What I have learned from them is priceless. What I have learned from them helps me to recognize when the circle that is life comes full and before me stands a soul that pleases only himself, I am most likely going to be challenged. What I have learned is to avoid this type of challenge.
In the past, I would rise to the occasion. I am a Leo after all, and a lion in pain is a fool's challenge. I would inflict as much pain as my adversary, if not more. I was unaware of the fact that I was inflicting pain, I was in too much pain to notice. That's the truth and the pain I speak of inflicting was self defense at best, and aggressive taunting at worst. I could get muddy with the best of them. But that was never my calling. I've learned that the status quo I no longer engage in was trivial, ignorant, heartless, selfish and self-serving. Those days are over. The hurt is gone. The light is shining and all that's left is love. I have come full circle and I'm so very grateful. I am not who I used to be. I can label the softballs that have changed me. I know each one affectionately. I am so very grateful for having been given the chance, by Spirit, to change for the better.
I often reflect at critical stages in my life and this one is no different. I turned 50 this past summer, I am a cancer survivor - as well as cancer treatment survivor. I finally have enough energy to feel like a normal person since having been so ill only just a few months ago. Sickness, emotional, physical or mental lessons play a serious role in our development. I've used every one to my advantage. I've squeezed as much out of all of these lessons, pain, struggle, sweat, blood and tears as any woman possibly could, and yet, I'm still so very optimistic. I'm optimistic for so many reasons but mainly because of the God I serve. I wish I could say that I trust humans, but I don't. One human after the other has taught me that they are all learning, as am I. Learning curves can be dangerous. Learning curves can also be a lot of fun IF, and this is a big IF, IF you align yourself with that which is aligned with God. If you're aligned with God and of the light, we can learn from and teach each other and move forward. If you're not, then you're not and I will keep that in mind. Humans, especially non-evolved humans, are quite the undertaking. I'm too far along in my empathic journey to yoke up to anyone who is so stuck that they, or their problems could potentially stick to me. I have learned to be very careful about this. I pray and ask God, and the Angels, to intercede on that persons behalf, then, that's that. Not my problem. That may sound cold, but it is actually quite rational. God is the instrument in your evolution, not me. We can help each other, but I will not be any one's fall-out anymore. You've been warned. Batter up!!
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