Was I still Running?

When my cast first came off, I was amazed at my immobility. At times I still am, but I'm also amazed at my progress. I've been going to physical therapy 3x's a week for this, my fifth week in a row, and I'm pleased with my efforts and my results.

The hand and arm exercises are pretty basic, lift, press, squeeze, separate, make a fist, stretch, all things your learned to do when you were a baby. It's not that you've forgotten how or that your hand has short term memory loss. On the contrary, your body has amazing memory but the stiffness that follows a broken bone is something you're probably never really prepared for, even if someone describes it to you. Here, let me try.

After your cast comes off, imagine someone taking hard plastic, heating it up and molding it to your arm (your dominant arm) in an awkward position. Then they put Velcro on it to make sure it's secure in keeping your arm immobile...kinda like a cast. You can't bend your wrist. You can't bend your elbow. Your fingers are useless. Your shoulder is feeling all of that restriction and is stressed and clicking. Oh and just for good measure, the sun has set on your day and the swelling has once again returned as it does every night. The plastic like cast on your arm is increasing in pressure and pain. Ok, I think you're ready now. Now, try and make a salad or feed yourself. Bathe yourself. Brush your teeth. Blow your nose and try to sleep comfortably...hahaha none of those things are possible - sure maybe some are if you use your other arm...but that's cheating. By now, you've already had to take a couple of anti-inflammatories and pain killers but by the time they kick in, your misery level reaches new lows.

Then in the morning, start off with a warm soak and then...start moving it. Against all instincts. Push. Pain. Push. Pain. Breathe. Stop. Ut-oh. This is hard. Bones have stiffened. They are resistant to change. They are resistant to movement. The ligaments are stiff and painful. The odds are not good if you're faint hearted. You must persevere if you want to ever use your arm again and what choice do you have? Or, do I have? I have only one. To continue running this race.

It's kinda like that every morning. You have to start from scratch and if I happen to not be going to Physical Therapy that day, well what then? Do I skip my exercises? Heaven forbid!

If I did not do my exercises 3 x's a day, everyday, my arm would be perfectly happy to stiffen up and cease working. Did you know that? You actually have to force your wrist to bend, your elbow to bend, your fingers to bend. They literally do not want to go. The inflammation and swelling and trauma prevents them from smoothly, efficiently and painlessly doing what they were made to do. You have to train them to do what they once did without your input - conscious input that is. When I go to reach for something now, it is with much deliberateness. Nothing or no action is too mundane as for me not to pay close attention to it. I have to. I can drop something, as I've already done countless times. I can trip and fall and God forbid, break my arm again. No, the time has come for proceeding with caution.

And I'm reminded of a recent incident that brought some light to the subject of impulsiveness, fearlessness, and lack of consciousness. I was in the store with my husband and we were browsing some electronic equipment. We stopped to speak with a Sales Manager and while my husband and he were speaking, I noticed some small children running past us. Nothing unusual about that. Except that, perhaps now, everything has such a deeper meaning that there is nothing usual...but everything is amazing.

I noticed that the children weren't just running to get somewhere. They were running to get every where. From here to there. From there to here. Up and down. Over and out. They never ceased running. I couldn't help but ask myself, 'was I still running'? I mean, I am FULL of energy just like those children. With a smile on my face, and with reckless (Websters def. of reckless; marked by lack of proper caution: careless of consequences) abandon, I would run until I couldn't run anymore or my lungs would give out, or it was time to go inside, or I got hurt....hmmmm.

Yeah, I got hurt sometimes and you know what? That slowed me down. Made me appreciate my physical abilities and lack thereof. Having asthma slowed me down. Having ear infections slowed me down. For the first year of my life I had braces on my legs since one leg was shorter than the other when I was born breach. I'm not sure, but that might've slowed me down.

I'm starting to notice a theme here.

Why slow down? Perhaps it's to control ourselves, our bursts of energy. Deliberately and consciously.

I was going as fast as the skateboard I stepped on in my mind on July 18th. I was not going slow. I was not paying attention. I was still running....here and there, up and back, down and out. The answer? I guess I'm still learning to appreciate every breath, every step, every minute of every day.

This particular struggle has taught me that, among so many other things. Life is a race and we should be in the running, but on a very deliberate, well thought out, well prepared-for course, as all good courses are. We need to know where we're going and how we're going to get there, preparing for and weighing consequences and proceeding with caution...kind of like setting goals, making them happen, and troubleshooting when necessary. You know, life lived with greater deliberateness, greater consciousness.

I realize that children run with such abandon because, at the end of their day, God willing, they're falling into the arms of Mom and Dad who take care of every need that they have. They will be fed, bathed, loved and tucked in at night so that they can rest in preparation for another days running. In the morning, they need only open their eyes and their needs are met. Breakfast, clean water, clean clothes, and a ride to school where they run and run, unless the teacher sees them and instructs"no running in the halls children, slow down"!

We're all born like that. We have boundless energy that mostly needs to be shared, contained, controlled, modified, managed, slowed down, expelled, utilized, understood, and in some cases it's so off the charts it has to be medicated. Meditation, contemplation, prayer, music, silence, sleep, daydreaming, night dreaming, Reiki, EFT, chakra balancing, dance, exercising, sex, being in nature, being around animals and plants, aromatherapy, hydrotherapy, chiropractic, massage, yoga, chi-gong, reflexology, acupressure, acupuncture...I'm sure there are more, but these are some ways to work with, release and re-charge energy in ways that are manageable, palpable and extremely useful. Will we ever understand energy fully? Perhaps, in the next dimension.

For now, energy in human beings is a phenomenal thing. If we only knew. . .

We, as physical beings having a spiritual experience, are the same. We're God's children running the race of life and hopefully resting in our creators arms and believing that our needs are met. Even when we stumble, fall and break ourselves a little bit, our Father/Mother is there to comfort us, to help us to absorb life's lessons and to nudge us on in Spirit.

This may have broken my arm, but it didn't break me. It may have broken my bone, but it didn't break my Spirit. It may have broken my stride, but it will not prevent me from finishing this race and yes, I may be trotting a little slower than the rest, but my finish will be no less rewarding.

My eyes and ears are open. My steps are steady. My mind is clear. I am living with greater deliberateness.