. . .and what I am is genuinely happy to be alive. Happy to be living this life that is purposeful and joyful. Happy that this life is challenging and peaceful, at times adventurous and spontaneous. Happy that most times it's loving and forgiving.
Today I have hope. I have self-esteem. I have dreams and visions. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I know I've come a very long way. I am grateful for all that I have and for all opportunity that has come my way, by way of the most generous universe. God knows I am grateful that I know how to attract exactly what I need. He guides me every step of the way. I've have asked and I have received.
When I was younger I was full of energy and needed more noise and more electricity than any one person could stand. The universe accomodated me. I spoke faster than most could listen. Personally, I couldn't hear a thing except what I filtered through, what was palatable and what produced in me exactly what I wanted. If it didn't catapult me to the next level, it wasn't on my radar. Working in a city with more success, more opportunity, more creativity, more noise, more people, more distractions than any suburb could ever hope to offer, the universe supplied me with exactly what I wanted - energy and electricity. I was one with throngs of people, and our energy and our agendas were an endless supply of energy to tap into and tap I did. We all did. We took advantage of everything that was available to us. And everything was available to us. Everything was available to me and I took my share.
It's interesting looking back now how much I do not desire the same things I once did and I was sure it was what I wanted forever. I wanted the city. I wanted the night life. I wanted the traffic, the noise, the congestion, the energy, the endless supply of 24 hour everything, anything your little heart could conguer up. The men, the women, the money, the CLOTHES, the shops, the parties, the booze, the drugs, the food, the adrenaline, the pulse. Boy have times changed (I have changed).
In reality, the world was offering me just enough to confuse and numb my soul. Just enough to keep me in a state of stagnance. I was moving at the speed of light - but my soul was in a dark slumber. I now fully appreciate that there really is a time for every purpose under heaven. This was a dark time for me. The light was all around me, but I was not embracing it. I was trying to control everything. Eventually, if God has His Hand on you, you learn that you control nothing. God is the life inside of you and that life is not to be controlled. That life is not to be 'managed'. God is to be experienced. God is to be engaged. God is to be embraced. God is to be acknowledged. The God in you is to be freed on the inside in order to become fully awake on the outside.
I am not who I used to be. Today, I listen and speak slower. Today I can actually hear. And we all know hearing and listening are all too different. I suppose back then, the louder it got on the outside, the louder it got on the inside and I wouldn't have to hear a thing. Thanks be to God, the foundation for the spirituality in my life was put in place at a very young age. So when I got older and affected by the hurts and disappointments of the world, I tried shutting off the Presence and never looking back. The Presence, however, had something else in mind and did not shut itself off from me.
God saved me on a number of occassions. He physically saved me from myself. He called me out from all secularism. God knew what my soul yearned for and needed. He called me out, but when He looked at me, gazed at me, held me in His countenance, I could not look at myself nor could I stand in His Presence. I was overcome with guilt and grief and shame. It's amazing what clarity can do for a soul.
And might I pause here and say most humbly "Thank you Most High God for never letting me go".
There was a purification process followed by a contemplative time of self-discovery and forgiveness from past offenses (and future offenses). I remember quite vividly the moment when God lifted my burden, He lifted my spirit, He lifted my sin...then...in the clearing of my garden, He replaced my chaff with wheat. He provided me with clear focus, self acceptance, grace, hearing ears and a sensitivity that was never cultivated before. Wow. Interesting to note that prior to that moment in my life I was convinced I was happy, peaceful and successful. I was wrong and I was in denial.
The peace that transcends all understanding is real and when it comes you realize there is no earthly substitute. There is no Godly success on this planet separate from the peace and traquility of being in the moment, aware of God's presence. A peaceful nature brings out the peaceful nature in others, just as an anxious nature makes others feel anxiety.
Yet, that was then. God today, winking, calls me to the next level. It's really just the next level of love itself, but the next level nonetheless. First you love yourself. Then you love the ones that love you. Then you love the ones that hate you. Then you love the ones you do not know, etc, etc. Love, love, love. It's all about acceptance, peace, and love.
Meditation, prayer and stillness seem to be the vehicles to obtaining acceptance, peace and love of oneself and others; meditation and focus on the space in between thoughts, in between breathing. Taking time (everyday) to still the mind and allow the Most Holy Presence of God to manifest Himself in your heart, in your soul. The 'house cleaning' that God does lasts forever. When He removes a speck of dust from your soul a) you feel it, b) it never comes back, c) the space is filled with Power. His Power. His Might. His Divinity for your life. His Choices. His Love. His Wisdom. His purpose, after all you do belong to Him.
Thank God I am not what I used to be. Thank God I am not who I used to be. Today I thank God that love who I am. I thank God that I love who I am going to be. Thank you God for calling me to the the narrow path my whole life. I thank You that You call me still. I will always answer. God is my only hope.
Today I have hope. I have self-esteem. I have dreams and visions. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I know I've come a very long way. I am grateful for all that I have and for all opportunity that has come my way, by way of the most generous universe. God knows I am grateful that I know how to attract exactly what I need. He guides me every step of the way. I've have asked and I have received.
When I was younger I was full of energy and needed more noise and more electricity than any one person could stand. The universe accomodated me. I spoke faster than most could listen. Personally, I couldn't hear a thing except what I filtered through, what was palatable and what produced in me exactly what I wanted. If it didn't catapult me to the next level, it wasn't on my radar. Working in a city with more success, more opportunity, more creativity, more noise, more people, more distractions than any suburb could ever hope to offer, the universe supplied me with exactly what I wanted - energy and electricity. I was one with throngs of people, and our energy and our agendas were an endless supply of energy to tap into and tap I did. We all did. We took advantage of everything that was available to us. And everything was available to us. Everything was available to me and I took my share.
It's interesting looking back now how much I do not desire the same things I once did and I was sure it was what I wanted forever. I wanted the city. I wanted the night life. I wanted the traffic, the noise, the congestion, the energy, the endless supply of 24 hour everything, anything your little heart could conguer up. The men, the women, the money, the CLOTHES, the shops, the parties, the booze, the drugs, the food, the adrenaline, the pulse. Boy have times changed (I have changed).
In reality, the world was offering me just enough to confuse and numb my soul. Just enough to keep me in a state of stagnance. I was moving at the speed of light - but my soul was in a dark slumber. I now fully appreciate that there really is a time for every purpose under heaven. This was a dark time for me. The light was all around me, but I was not embracing it. I was trying to control everything. Eventually, if God has His Hand on you, you learn that you control nothing. God is the life inside of you and that life is not to be controlled. That life is not to be 'managed'. God is to be experienced. God is to be engaged. God is to be embraced. God is to be acknowledged. The God in you is to be freed on the inside in order to become fully awake on the outside.
I am not who I used to be. Today, I listen and speak slower. Today I can actually hear. And we all know hearing and listening are all too different. I suppose back then, the louder it got on the outside, the louder it got on the inside and I wouldn't have to hear a thing. Thanks be to God, the foundation for the spirituality in my life was put in place at a very young age. So when I got older and affected by the hurts and disappointments of the world, I tried shutting off the Presence and never looking back. The Presence, however, had something else in mind and did not shut itself off from me.
God saved me on a number of occassions. He physically saved me from myself. He called me out from all secularism. God knew what my soul yearned for and needed. He called me out, but when He looked at me, gazed at me, held me in His countenance, I could not look at myself nor could I stand in His Presence. I was overcome with guilt and grief and shame. It's amazing what clarity can do for a soul.
And might I pause here and say most humbly "Thank you Most High God for never letting me go".
There was a purification process followed by a contemplative time of self-discovery and forgiveness from past offenses (and future offenses). I remember quite vividly the moment when God lifted my burden, He lifted my spirit, He lifted my sin...then...in the clearing of my garden, He replaced my chaff with wheat. He provided me with clear focus, self acceptance, grace, hearing ears and a sensitivity that was never cultivated before. Wow. Interesting to note that prior to that moment in my life I was convinced I was happy, peaceful and successful. I was wrong and I was in denial.
The peace that transcends all understanding is real and when it comes you realize there is no earthly substitute. There is no Godly success on this planet separate from the peace and traquility of being in the moment, aware of God's presence. A peaceful nature brings out the peaceful nature in others, just as an anxious nature makes others feel anxiety.
Yet, that was then. God today, winking, calls me to the next level. It's really just the next level of love itself, but the next level nonetheless. First you love yourself. Then you love the ones that love you. Then you love the ones that hate you. Then you love the ones you do not know, etc, etc. Love, love, love. It's all about acceptance, peace, and love.
Meditation, prayer and stillness seem to be the vehicles to obtaining acceptance, peace and love of oneself and others; meditation and focus on the space in between thoughts, in between breathing. Taking time (everyday) to still the mind and allow the Most Holy Presence of God to manifest Himself in your heart, in your soul. The 'house cleaning' that God does lasts forever. When He removes a speck of dust from your soul a) you feel it, b) it never comes back, c) the space is filled with Power. His Power. His Might. His Divinity for your life. His Choices. His Love. His Wisdom. His purpose, after all you do belong to Him.
Thank God I am not what I used to be. Thank God I am not who I used to be. Today I thank God that love who I am. I thank God that I love who I am going to be. Thank you God for calling me to the the narrow path my whole life. I thank You that You call me still. I will always answer. God is my only hope.
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