I love sleep. I love dreaming even more. I've dreamt of flying, moving objects with my mind, and visiting with the deceased, specifically my beloved Grandmother Mary and her sister, my Aunt Jean. These are always very pleasant experiences that I long for at times.
Several years ago I had a strange experience while waking up one morning. I became acutely aware that I was awake...but my senses weren't yet. My spirit was awake inside my human shell but I couldn't hear...yet. Slowly the hearing sensation returned to me in a whooshing sound and then...normal.
Not so lucky this morning. I suffer occasionally from sleep paralysis. I had gotten up early this morning to the felines prompting for sustenance after which time I scampered back to bed because it was so cold here in New Jersey. After a short while I fell into a deep sleep. That's when it began. I was somewhere, stuck between sleep and coherence. I could not wake myself up. I tried in vain to stimulate my senses into consiousness. I was dreaming. My husband had left for the day so I know he wasn't there, but in my dream state I began reaching out to him in a panic..."Jimmy, Help Me, I can't wake up" and I tossed and turned struggling to wake up but in reality I hadn't moved a muscle. I was trying to scream, trying to wake up, and after a few attempts I believed I had woken up only to find out I was still sleeping, still stuck, paralyzed. I have a lump in my throat right now as I'm typing (not to mention on the verge of tears). Not because I am scared or sad, not exactly sure why.
This is not the first time this has happened to me. It happened several years ago during what I'd call one of the more stressful times of my life. Although I was convinced I was 'living the life' in reality I was lonely, confused and unstable in my life choices. That couldn't possibly be what's happening to me now could it? I think I am happy and at peace with myself ever continuing on my journey to find more of the spiritual side of myself and less of the human. Am I heading in the wrong direction?
I'm currently reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. The book is all about what I'd like to think I'm all about. Finding the real me inside this human existence. It makes a lot of sense to me like I've long since forgotten what I already knew. I am a spiritual being having a human experience.
I felt that most vividly this morning during sleep paralysis. I was convincing myself there for a moment that the electricity that I was feeling - this electric humming that I could hear very distinctly - was somehow disconnecting me from my human body - but not completely lest I should be somehow cut off from my human life support system. That's what I likened it to. I can tell you it's an awful feeling. The mind is aware that the physical body cannot move but the brain is still active. I was trying to scream. I dreamt I was moving, struggling and even fell to the floor in my panic - but no movement actually happened. I was lying there perfectly still trapped inside my body. WTF???
Maybe it's time to take a deeper look into what's happening with me. Am I stuck? Am I paralyzed? Or is this just some human sleep disorder that carries no real meaning?
When I finally woke up I had this awfully depressed feeling. I moved around to just feel the sensation of moving freely. I looked around the sun filled room and felt very little reassurance. Mohito heard me and jumped up onto the bed and began her lovefest with me...she looked so deeply into my eyes as if to say "I knew you were stuck, but I couldn't help you". "You look better now". She purred and rubbed her head against my cheek. It was all I could do not to squeeze the life out of her. I was so relieved to have that physical contact (I am weeping now). I got up and went to the window, opened it and took several deep breaths. I was breathing in the the light, the sound of the birds singing and the cold, fresh air. I was back in my physical body. Ok, business as usual, but I can't help asking myself over and over, what's wrong? So I did what comes so naturally to me. I got on my knees and prayed to the Most High God to help me understand. Please God, help me understand. Protect me. Surround me with your light. Blessed Mother and Holy Spirit comfort me. Bring to my mind what I'm trying so desperately to know. Help me. Help me to be fluid. Help me to be spirit. Help me to be less human. Help me to be stronger. Help me to gain control of myself, my journey and my vessel.
It was as though I was coming apart at the seams.
3 comments:
There's something troubling you Maria..sleep is usuallty a nealng regenerative time, but the disturbance of it in your instance is about unrest...I'm not anyone exoerienced in sleep therapy or stuff like that..but I know enough to see when someone has a challenge confronting them.(or else you've taken to eating too much cheese before bedtime!) writing this blog should help you put into perspective what you're going through...and as a wonderful side effect..you'll get people like me come along from time to time to give you some encouragement!
strange experience indeed.
I can relate to your great capacity of dream and do interesting things in your dreams, that's the blessing of sensitive souls I guess.
I have lots of magick power in my dreams and I met Jesus, I met the dead, I met a lot of strange persons too.
what I find so fascinating with dreams is to dream of faces of people we dont know at all
do we invent them or do they exist somewhere?
only that thoughts really fascinate me.
I think they exist, I think I have sometimes dreamt of people I would meet later, even if it s just someone in the streets.
that's perhaps where some dejà vu come from, our sleephood:)
"This is not the first time this has happened to me. It happened several years ago during what I'd call one of the more stressful times of my life. Although I was convinced I was 'living the life' in reality I was lonely, confused and unstable in my life choices. That couldn't possibly be what's happening to me now could it? I think I am happy and at peace with myself ever continuing on my journey to find more of the spiritual side of myself and less of the human. Am I heading in the wrong direction?"
I can relate to that.
but not questionning that would be stranger.
It's good to stop and wonder.
I am also wondering quite often if I am heading the right direction?
but I think I need to learn in doing mistakes still if they have to take place.
I hope you are feeling better now.
Many blessings
I have had some sleep paralysis in my time, too. It's really awful and leaves a bad aftertaste several hours after you've really woken up. I distinctly remember feeling crushed, and even feeling a "sludginess" to my heartbeat as it seemed to be grinding to a halt. Or maybe it was an incubus?
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