Today, my beautiful niece Tori graduates High School and I'm missing it. I have shed a few tears but there is really nothing I can do about it, so I accept. I couldn't fly now physically so I can only go by remote viewing. If you don't know what that is, it's kind of like prayer but way more in depth. Our military uses it. It can be quite useful at times like these, but nothing beats the real deal of hugging and kissing your loved ones. Tori is my God daughter and I was there for every major event in her life and this one is just too far out of reach for me. I will not soon forget that the path I am on has prevented my participation, not my choice. Choices are very different and I stand behind every other choice I've made. I have to. I support me and my decisions, right or wrong, because I am still learning, growing, willing and alive.
I wish my niece a lifetime of successes just like the one she's going to achieve today. I will envision her College graduation, her wedding, her babies. I am truly there one way or the other.
As I've blogged about in the recent past, I have been under Doctor's care - for way too long now - but trying still to recover from the side effects of radiation treatment. Of course I'm speaking of radiation pneumonitis and a 'burned' lung. The course of treatment has been an excruciating round of Prednisone.
The old roller coaster "Jet Star" at Seaside, NJ after Superstorm Sandy. An amazing image of how life can twist and turn, in a heartbeat. It's finally been removed from the water and they're rebuilding a new one perhaps naming it 'Superstorm". Somethings need to be removed, reconstructed, recycled. It's all good.
For those of you who are not familiar with Prednisone, here are the basics: it is a very strong steroid used mostly to treat inflammation and cancer. I'm taking it to minimize the inflammation in my lungs. It has terrible side effects and you need to be monitored closely if taking it more than a week. In my case, at least a minimum of 10 weeks, but who knows? I am closely being monitored. Currently my dosage is still at 30 mgs daily, down 10 from 40 mgs. Thank God for that. At 40 mgs of predinisone I thought I would just about lose my mind. It's a very hyper active, roller coaster, one minute you're up and the next your crashing drug and for someone who is very sensitive to caffeine (coffee - never, tea - yes, coca-cola - if after 3pm, up all night) I felt as if I could just about fly around the room. All of this is a false sense of energy mind you. The down side is a crashing effect. Finally sleep arrives at the most inopportune times - like in the afternoon.
The side effects are ridiculous. Insomnia, increased appetite, water retention (or lovingly referred to as 'moon face'; not lovingly by me, I might add), anxiety, increased heart rate, shaking hands, confusion and the list continues. As the dosage diminishes, I am hopeful that I will return to a normal state of being but I am working so very hard at countering these side effects with sleep, when I can get it, rest, Xanax (up from .25 mgs to .50 mgs - supposed to take 3 x's a day - but I only take it when necessary. Yes, still taking it every day but not 3 x's and mostly to sleep at night). Regardless, sleep is elusive. I wake up around 2ish every morning if I was lucky enough to fall asleep in the first place, around 11ish. It's a tough battle especially since I seemed to get through radiation treatment with much more ease. I hadn't realized that this was even a possibility - the side effects to radiation treatment, that is.
During this time, I have however, begun to do some much needed energy work on myself. After the first two weeks of trying to recover from 'pneumonia' with antibiotics to no avail and loosing almost 15 + pounds, and then after the next two weeks of trying to recover from radiation pneumonitis with Prednisone, Ive gained all the weight back and I am now 2 more weeks further along and can finally say I think I am starting to think straight again. What a long, strange trip it's been.
If you need more information on Prednisone, please look it up. There is way too much information about it and most of it is scary. I chose the path of Western medicine for the most part to treat Stage 0 Breast Cancer knowing all I knew about energy healing, being a Reiki Master myself, and hearing all the guru's in the world I've listened to. The results are in, I am in remission and overcoming the side effects.
However.
If I had known then what I know now I may have done things differently. Let me rephrase that - I am doing things differently. While I need to stay the course and finish the prescribed treatment 'lest I wind up in a mental institution (yeah, you can't just stop taking prednisone - it's crazy dangerous and I've been on it for too long) I have to finish and ween off of it. In the meantime, I am taking a good, long hard look at my life, the way I've lived, my belief systems, my habits, my thoughts, my religion, my practices, my rituals, my spirit, my past, my present and the future I am planning. I realize that I have been playing it too small and living a life that was insecure, suppressed and foolish.
Sometimes, you need a jolt. Sometimes, you need more than a jolt, like maybe a bolt of lightning to strike you. It's not enough that it sometimes strikes your neighbor, burns their whole life to the ground if only an ash lands on your front porch. It may not be enough. For me, it was my house. It was me that was being struck by lightning and what I chose to do with my scorched everything is paramount to my existence, my healing, my future, and yours if I'm a healer, shaman, helper.
Through meditation, journaling, prayer, eating organic, just starting to try and stretch again practicing yoga, reading and doing my own healing work, I realize that the necessary changes are already happening.
I've never really enjoyed tread mills or stationary bikes. They literally take you no where. You go through the motions and while they get your heart rate up and increase your strength physically, you're still going no where. If you wake up in the morning and have the 'same old, same old', well, there it is. Can't today we do something different? Perhaps there is a new way of doing the 'same old' that will bring about an even better result than what you've convinced yourself is the tried and true method.
My whole life has been about trying to be open minded. I have failed miserably as I look back on this. I remember certain individuals trying to bring different information to me but because I was steeped in Catholicism and Christianity, and a lot of it had to do with fear, I resisted even looking at it. Fear is weird like that. What's even weirder is that we really don't even realize we're doing it, it's just what we've always done. Well, I'm blasting down the doors with dynamite today my friends. There is so much wonderful information 'out there' that we need not be afraid of. First, let go of the fear. Then pray about it. Then read everything you can get your hands on, and pray some more. Meditate. What you need will stay with you. What you don't will fall by the way side or come back even stronger and louder than even the tiniest seed that you may have thought the loving sun wouldn't find important. What seed doesn't grow in fertile dirt, water, mud and sunlight?
It's all in me, it always has been. I have the power to change my mind, change my health, not grow old, not grow weary, not give in to what I had believed was written in stone, or what others told me was. Is there anything truly written in stone?
The only thing that I believe is written in all consuming truth is the emotion of LOVE. I believe that it is the driving force of all life, nature, all humanity, all the earth, moon, stars and sky. Love makes us or breaks us. From love in the womb, to love in the decay of the grave for the precious body of a human and everything in between - it's all about love. Love of self. Love of others. You can also add service to this. If you aren't out there giving love....then what exactly are you doing with your life? What are you doing with your love?
This journey has lifted my heart, my mind, my empathy and compassion. It has brought so many wonderful people to me and I in return, with open heart and hands, strive to give everything I have to whomever is in my presence and subsequently, learn from them. I have a lot to give and I have a lot to learn. I am so not done yet. With my dying breath, I will say 'thank you' to the person that I'm with - or just to God if there is no one else around - or, I hope that I can relay some last, little message of hope like "see you later". I don't want to take one second for granted. I don't want to take one person for granted. I have learned something from every one.
By the way, my Grandmother Mary's last words to me were "I Love You" and my Grandmother Violet? Her last word to me was "beautiful". Think I'll ever forget that love? Never in a million years. I am so very grateful for their nurturing, giving hearts of love. I love you too, beautiful.
By the way, my Grandmother Mary's last words to me were "I Love You" and my Grandmother Violet? Her last word to me was "beautiful". Think I'll ever forget that love? Never in a million years. I am so very grateful for their nurturing, giving hearts of love. I love you too, beautiful.
About myself, I've learned that "I'm still a good kid". I've been told that by one person or another my whole life. And recently, at 86 years young, Sidney Poitier was quoted as saying about himself and the life he's lived "I am a good person". I am hopeful that by that time, I too will still be saying the same. I'll be a lot younger by then lol.
I strive for excellence in everything I do. Perhaps even trying too hard sometimes so being reminded that I am a good kid is key. I don't hold passion against myself though, God has made me with a fire unlike alot of others. I don't compare, I just know I can scorch better than anyone - unless you're a Leo - then it's on. I don't just scorch though, I warm, I help grow, I nourish, I shed light, yeah, I do all of that and whole lot more adding to my list daily.
"A consistent positive and optimistic attitude is the cheapest fountain of youth"
- author unknown
I strive for excellence in everything I do. Perhaps even trying too hard sometimes so being reminded that I am a good kid is key. I don't hold passion against myself though, God has made me with a fire unlike alot of others. I don't compare, I just know I can scorch better than anyone - unless you're a Leo - then it's on. I don't just scorch though, I warm, I help grow, I nourish, I shed light, yeah, I do all of that and whole lot more adding to my list daily.
In times of illness though, or sadness, or anger, or bitterness, life seems to take on a vortex of pain and magnetism. You attract the same kind of sadness, bitterness, etc. and the opposite of that is also true. Perhaps the people all around you are depressed for some reason or another. You really only need to ask a few questions of your besties to find out most people are struggling with one issue or another. It's their energy and how they cope that you could become more aware of and should become more aware of because it effects you and you effect them. I want to be a light shining not a flood drowning. I am choosing to use this time of illness to diminish the sadness associated with it. I am choosing to use this time to re energize my system, to recharge it, to heal it, to release all that had me in chains, all that I thought was true about myself. I can only know this moment and I'm getting ready to meditate :) I go within, not to escape, to increase my awareness, my capacity to know, my energy field so energy and information and come and go freely. I am using this time to fully engage where I may have gone wrong. No blame. No frustration. No guilt. That's not the way. Blame? Forget about it. I love me. I am going to be 50 years young in August and I couldn't be happier. Healthier? No. I couldn't even be healthier because the healthy me I am imagining I am now becoming. Getting grounded, centered and open is how you start.
The future? I see a lot of wonderful things in my future. I hold my dreams close in my heart, pray to God and the Angels about it, ask my ancestors for help with it, invoke healers and teachers, people that are much smarter than I am. As they say in gambling "I'm all in". I am not taking a single breath with me, or heart beat, or living cell. I am Spirit, ever evolving and what I am to be I am still becoming, as are you no matter how old you are. It's never to late to start. If I told you some of my dreams, you might laugh. That's probably why I will only share them with the divine and very close friends and family, that I trust. Most people will crush your dreams because of their own fears. Guard them then. I will offer bits and pieces and this blog is one of them. I know that I know there will be more teaching.
The unified field of all that is supreme will not offend your trust or crush your dreams. Go there and spend some time. You get there through silence and meditation and prayer. I'm going there now and, of course, I will say many prayers for you and I. My prayer list is every growing. Once the prayers have been prayed and sent out into the unified field, then I will dissolve.
We have access to everything; healing, wisdom, love, enlightenment, knowledge, future happenings (just remember, you're creating your future so if you have a premonition and you don't like it, make sure you create something better for yourself).
We have access to everything; healing, wisdom, love, enlightenment, knowledge, future happenings (just remember, you're creating your future so if you have a premonition and you don't like it, make sure you create something better for yourself).
In the unified field we are all one. Winks.
We are always, only, one.
Try to stand alone. You know you can't. Better break it down.
We are always, only, one.
Try to stand alone. You know you can't. Better break it down.
