No matter what, keep pushing forward.
Some days are easier than others and when you reflect back on hard times, hopefully you will be kind to yourself. Hopefully you will paint a picture that reminds you of the extraordinary person and situation you have found yourself in. Living in these times is a miracle, a struggle, an unbelievable journey of discovery.
Pushing forward to me means marking this very extraordinary year in my life with success, love for self and others, forgiveness, healing, wisdom and great health,; physically, emotionally and spiritually. I will be 50 this year and I feel that finally, I am more willing to look at the who of what I am, and the what.
Personal identity is different for everyone. I've always been very comfortable belonging to God. I've always felt the complete devotion and surrounding love of God despite my comings and goings. It's as if the times I wandered the furthest away God was somehow watching me and willing me closer. I've never felt abandoned or even judged by God. I can say that in prayer, however, God has gently revealed the flaws that this human needed to change. God would nudge me one way or the other, and if I were smart and paying attention, I would modify that behavior and reap the reward for obedience. I remember being criticized by those closest to me because they couldn't understand this relationship. It didn't matter to me though, it was and is truly who I am at my deepest core. I am a child of God. I can say that and hold my head up high. This kind of love is AGAPE love - it is selfless, spiritual and Godly.
I am completely drawn and consumed in this love. I always have been. I remember as a child being in the nursery school convent with the Sisters feeling this Spirit and loving every minute of It's presence. I remember praying in Latin and singing hymns in Catholic school shortly thereafter. I was too young to articulate what I was feeling or seeing, but it would carve out my life's identity and purpose. As class progressed, I was introduced to Jesus, and He has changed my life forever.
I remember reading from my Good News Testament about Mary, Jesus and His disciples, the feeding of the five thousand and the miraculous healings. I remember Jesus being very tender and loving. I remember being very upset by what would follow. The cruelty and madness that would eventually take my Lord's life was mindblowing. It still is. How could people do such things?
I had a crucifix in my bedroom at that time. It was very well made. I know because everynight I would remove the nails from Jesus's hands and feet. I would take Him down from His cross and give Him rest. I couldn't all together understand the crucifixion at that young age, except that I couldn't stand to see Him suffer, hanging on that cross. Unfortunately, I had to put Him back though. My Mother, Joan, taught me to put everything back where I found it, and Jesus was no exception. Unwillingly, I would obediently return my Saviour to His suffering.
Of course and most thankfully, we all know that Jesus rose from the dead and is alive and well. The cross is a symbol of His sacrifice for us. He died so that we may live - and live abundantly. He suffered the sins of all of us, so that whomsover believes in Him will have eternal life. Talk about forgiveness.
When Jesus says "Father forgive them for they know not what they do", I'm pretty sure He's still taking about you and me today. Two thousand years ago and then some, Jesus dies on the cross for all sinners, and yet we're still sinning. We're still so full of ourselves, like the Jews and Romans of His time, so sure that our posture is perfect and our thinking is not distorted. Jesus knows better. Spirit knows better. Mary and the Angels know better.
That kind of thinking is what the real warfare is about. Thoughts that stir the heart into deeds despicable. Things we do to ourselves, our own families and children, our neighbors. It's as if we've learned nothing - but that's not the case. These things need to happen. Read the Book of Revelation. Jesus' time has not yet come. He will come for His church, His long-suffering church. He will come for those that He has called, that stand with Him and pray for peace, love and forgiveness. And what a mighty fine day this will be. I am waiting and waited still for this day.
I am a warrior for God and I have signed up for the long haul. I can not wait to see what my heart has yearned for these past 50 years. I am so very grateful for my life, this human experience, and all that I've learned. I am a divine child of the Most High Spirit that is God and I couldn't be happier with the who and what that I am and am still becomming.
Jesus, I am still so in love with you, let's go dancing in the light.
