I was unable to sleep, feed myself, brush my hair, cook...the list went on and on. Truth be told I still can't do most of those things since breaking my wrist in July, but thankfully now with physical therapy (I have a phenomenal hand therapist, more about Lynn later), I'm looking for and already starting to see improvements. Sleep is returning to normal. Left over pain meds are in the cabinet and I'm well on my way to some hard work. I'm quite determined to regain full use of my arm, wrist, and hand and am now realizing that this is going to take some time. Realistically, I'm looking at at least six months before my wrist is not what I think about first thing in the morning.
I learned that from all the surgeries, sicknesses, and pain I've had before. We tend to look for our weaknesses and even pain, first thing in the morning...is it still here...do I still have it? Well, where thoughts go energy flows so its best to be careful. Make sure you are expectant of a good report in the morning occasionally (always). It'll do your body a world of good.
Why don't Doctors tell us that? I know that healing is pretty relative to 'what you think' as opposed to what their experience has been, but that doesn't mean everyone else does. They don't know what you think, what your intentions are, if your depressed or not, if you are a helper or a hindrance to your healing. They don't know and frankly, they do not care. They will gladly give you medicine to assist you but discuss your thinking as part of the healing process? That discussion is off the table for now, but not for long if I have anything to say about it. I need people to realize that they dictate the terms of their healing as well as mental and spiritual well being. You determine the health and wellness of your body, your mind and your spirit.
Which brings me to The Sugar Bowl Lesson, a perfect lesson in human frailty, acceptance, and perseverance. It was only three days after my accident and I was left alone for the day with a two ton cast on my arm, a deflated ego, and a weak and hungry body. I decided a hot cup of tea would do the trick. I slowly made my way into the kitchen and with my left hand grabbed the tea kettle and filled it up with water and placed it on the stove. After successfully turning the gas on, I stopped to rest. Sure, I hadn't done much, but it was exhausting and painful.
As I waited for the water to boil I replayed the accident over in my head deliberately. It had replayed in my mind for a few days without my permission and it was just starting to be less painful to visualize, I mean I would wince with pain every time the image of me flying off the skateboard appeared in my brain as a random thought. I started to think about all of my limitations, followed by the shame and embarrassment I felt for stepping so unconsciously on that thing, then I focused on the pain and swelling I was experiencing, and then pity. As I sat there feeling sorry for myself, thankfully the water began boiling and the tea pot whistled as if it had had enough. It snapped me back into the moment and I got up and poured the boiling water into my tea cup. Whew! Unscathed! Ahhhh.
After pouring the milk I went in for the pretty, glass sugar bowl. Lefty mind you...not very smooth. All at once, I'm not sure how, the sugar bowl hit the kitchen floor with such precision that every grain of sugar and every broken piece of glass were now shattered and thrown all around my bare feet.
My thinking process went something like......'I can't believe this is happening!! I can't move. I can't reach the broom. I can't clean this up! I can't! I can't! I can't'! And for a few minutes I didn't. I looked at the mess I made and thought 'oh great, another accident...how could I'? and then I cried like a baby. I cried. Then I prayed for strength. I prayed and I thought 'all's I need now is to get cut'. Really. THAT would've sucked big time. But getting cut was not on the horizon. It never happened.
What did happen is that I realized how f*cking strong I am. I started to calm myself down and wiped the tears from my face. I looked around in disbelief again and took a deep accepting breath. I made my way over to the broom by bending down and picking up the glass-sugar-bowl shards along the way with my left hand. Now, sweeping with one hand is not easy. Using a dustpan with one hand is not easy. But, I am here to tell you, it may not be easy, but it is possible! Somehow, by the Grace of God I was able to clean up the mess!
Seriously! I've been through some stuff and I may have my moments, but I will not be beaten. I will not be over run, I will not be defeated -- especially by myself. I cleaned up that mess, with a cast on one arm and in a lot of pain. I imagined that if I could overcome that moment, I could overcome anything. It was such a helpless feeling before the tea kettle boiled, but God would say not so much. Although the sugar bowl was destroyed, I am not. Sure the sugar bowl represents a vessel...and so do I....and even if I was broken lying on the floor, I am still so very capable and useful...and useable. Judge not lest ye be judged.
God refines us by turning up the heat a little bit to show us truly, what were made of.
What are you made of?
Body Like My Mother
15 hours ago